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Why does my 30 yr old dau.has issues with my new husband
July 26, 2006
2:06 pm
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sherrie
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My 30 yr old daughter has issues with my new husband to be, she says it is out of concern and love for me, however, I think it is her issues. Back ground, he is a recovering alcoholic, who is doing very well and is sober and member of AA. He is very kind and good, does not harm me and I love him. My previous husb.passed away, however, he was not harmful to me, however, I did have to watch him die from alcohol addiction. The only time my daughter was around my husb.who died, he would talk hateful to me in front of her, he never did that when we were alone...My new husb.to be had too much to drink and he spoke to me in a demanding tone, that turned my daughter against him immediately. Even when he was drinking, he always treated me with respect and kindness. Now he is sober and has been for a while, I love him very much...I also love my daughter, what can I do to change her opinion.?

July 26, 2006
2:44 pm
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taj64
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How long has he been sober? That is important to know in addressing this issue. I don't think you can change her opinion. It is rough to see your mother go from her father who died from drinking and then see you defending a new man who is about to marry you and will become her step father. She has already seen him treat you badly. And it could be that she feels you are over riding her concerns for a man. I don't see how you can expect so much of her. It is slow process. Sometimes you either like a person or you don't. She can only do so much if she doesn't like him. She has a right to her opinion and you should also respect hers as well. What if the roles were reversed?

July 26, 2006
3:28 pm
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nappy
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My son was like that with my live in boyfriend and as his mother I didn't see what he was talking about until the end. He didn't want my son there living with us, he didn't talk to my son and he even lied to my son. My son was telling me but you know being in love we don't see what they are seeing. You can't make her like him just like I couldn't make my son like him also but there was a reason for the way they feel and sometimes it is best that we listen to what they are staying before as our children they turn around and tell us "I told you so"

July 26, 2006
3:33 pm
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sherrie
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Thanks, he has been sober over a year...I know I cannot change her opinion, however, do you think she can just respect me and my wishes? I will do what I want to do, that is who I am.....I cannot help if she does not like him. If I had an issue with her boyfriend or husb to be, I would support her decision, because we cannot live each others lives.

July 26, 2006
4:16 pm
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2smart4this
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If I understand this right, your late husband was verbally abusive to you when your daughter was around. So she learned "alcoholic man = bad for my mom". Now you are with a man who has a history of alcoholism, who treated you less than respectfully on your daughter's first exposure to him (at least from her point of view).

My guess is that she loves you, she wants you to be happy, and doesn't want to see you tied down to someone that she perceives will bring drama and unhappiness to your life. And her opinion will probably never change. All you can do is tell her all the good things he does, and how much different he is than the previous husband.

And, agree to disagree, and not discuss it much more.

July 26, 2006
4:31 pm
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taj64
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Ok see if this can be related. My sister just got divorced about 8 months ago. A month after her divorce, she meets a wonderful man that is very different than her ex. She was married for 16 years to same man and never dated anyone. For the past 5 years, all I ever heard was what a bad man he is, how irresponsible with money he is, took advantage of her. Never could hold down a good job. Now she is engaged to a very nice guy treats her well, yet he has no job and probably will never get one because of his so-called disability. He looks ok to me but has a bad back. He is on disability. Since she has met the new man in her life, I rarely talk to her. She doesnt call and when she does it is from her work because as she puts it "he is always around and she doesn't feel comfortable talking on the phone". Now she gets offended when I said the other day, to be careful as when she complains about his ex wife and I tell her she is lucky that she has him and that there are two incomes but she corrects me and say no, it is just my income. I simply told her to be careful because even though I think he is a nice man he could take advantage of her if it doesn't work out. Well lo and behold, I didnt hear a peep out of her because now she is mad at me for judging her so called perfect boyfriend. So you see, a pattern is set, she is defending her perpect boyfriend and she is shutting out what has always stood by her. so from your daughter's point of view she has seen and felt your pain and is concerned for a reason. Understanding her point of view might benefit you instead of you trying to win him over to her.

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