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Why do we cry for those that hurt us
October 24, 2006
4:40 pm
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Simondo3573
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Oh dear I only posted up my thread 'Coming to terms with end of marriage' yesterday. about my wife cheating on me again and going again. This time I really don't think she will be back though we have got back together dozens and dozens of times over the years I always don’t think she will be back - good I should say but I don't. I know she too wants to break the cycle and just stop us from hurting anymore, she’s asked for the divorce and while she’s away I’ve started it, so it seems a whole lot more like the end this time. I cry I miss her, I don't sleep, I obsess about what she’s doing, living on adrenaline 24hrs a day, when I do get to sleep I wake up soaked in a cold sweat as if I was a junkie doing cold turkey. Its over a week since we last spoke I miss her, she's away having fun with the new guy not thinking too much about me, glad she has left - I guess. Normally after a few weeks we are back in touch and like a couple of magnets just end up back together. But here I am with a great big hole in my life missing our good times that we could have and they could be so good. Even though I know when we were having those good times this summer she was already making contact with some one else and yet having fun with me too urrgh. its all so confusing. I don't want to be back there not trusting her living on a hot tin roof waiting for the next time she went. But here I am hoping she's gonna turn up saying hey I am so sorry I love you not him, I'm going to fix myself up get counselling do what ever it takes, but I know that's really just not going to happen, thats never happened before. But she seems so unique and irreplaceable, I dreamt last night we were together again. All my other dreams since she left were about her being gone. I ask myself do I want some more of that insecure feeling, tip toeing round her to keep her happy. My councillor said I was treated like a pet, there when wanted kicked out when not needed. I feel so sad that I can’t just say yippee my life starts here, I’m free of all that crap. I did once about four years ago 6 months later we were back together a pair of lifes dragonflies

October 24, 2006
9:15 pm
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Cooper
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I wish I had the answer to that question. I allowed my husband to redicule me for years by calling me names and controlling my life. I caught him cheating twice, the first time I tried to forgive him, the second time the hurt was too much to bear.
I left him in June....it still hurts, but he has done nothing to try to work things out. My counselor said it was emotional abuse.
The only thing I know is that I am in a much better place now and I think we just want to know why? What is wrong with us? Those are answers we will never know.
I did go to visit my hubby a few weekends ago (big mistake) as he called and asked me to come home to talk. After an 8 hour drive, I realized once i got there I couldn't go back to what hurt me so much. I had a taste of what life was without controlling and demeaning remarks.
Get away for awhile if you can. Reflect on how things were when you were with her and how things are now that she is gone. Write in a journal your feelings, don't hold them in. For me, i go back and look at my journal about the times he was being so verbally abusive, the nights I cried myself to sleep and my heart felt like it was totally broken in two. I compare that to how I feel now and realize I needed to get out of that situation. I filed for divorce today. It hurts, yet, i felt more relieved. I hope you will too. Good luck, find something or do something that makes you happy for a change. I got a new job, surrounded myself with friends that love me and started back to school, now I have no time to dwell.
This is a good place for us to vent. We find we aren't alone and others are going thru much of the same.

October 24, 2006
9:31 pm
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Anonymous
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Simondo,
The hurting will heal with time. Taking care of yourself is what's important now.

Remember the 3 C's of any addiction: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it and you can't Control it.

If she won't get help you can't help her.

I posted under your previous post tonight suggesting some reading. Another good book is Melody Beattie's Co-Dependent No More.

Blessings....

October 25, 2006
1:46 am
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Travlin_lite
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Simondo3573
I think that every one has his/her own time of letting go. Some people have to try again and again. There is something to be said about betrayal though that never ever truly heals for that takes your trust away and how can you live with someone without trust. I often think it is harder for men to handle the loss that a woman for your feelings are usually not open until it happens. One moment or day at a time and know we all support you on this journey..no matter

October 25, 2006
5:28 am
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nvr2late
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Simondo..
we all do it..cry for someone not worth crying about!
I did my share and just got a divorce 2 days ago and I did not shed one tear on that day!
that shocked me!

but my biggest struggle (maybe YOURS too)...I don't understand how they can hurt us like they do..and KEEP doing it...we are not that type of people, we care, we talk, we TRY!!

I believe it is just so confusing for you how she can do this, that you go back and forth.
I have realized that I do not think like my ex, nor do you think like your wife, it is NOT worth trying to figure it out..what she is feeling, what she is doing...nothing!

because you don't know! I am guessing she has not thrown you away like yesterday's news!!! she will be back..

do you think she will change??? and even if she does, will she change ENOUGH for the changes YOU will be going through? losing the trust in a relationship is almost certain death if she is not willing to look at her actions and TRY like she has NEVER tried before!!

so, decisions on your part, what you want for your life.
and time really is the only thing that can heal your heart...I want an express lane for my feelings..but I know there is no other way than through them.

please take care of yourself, get some sleep...take some stress off your life!
work on yourself. that is the best piece of advice that I have received on this site, I did not understand it when I joined 2 years ago..

but NOW I GET IT!!!

thank you for listening, and good luck with your feelings for your wife, we all had the same feelings at one time, loved them SO much!
one day at a time

nvr

October 25, 2006
6:26 am
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Simondo3573
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nvr2late With out this site I would be going nuts. So THANK YOU so much for sharing with me I need all the support to get through this it is a revelation to know I am not alone with it

October 25, 2006
10:20 am
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StronginHim77
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Simondo -

There is a book I would like to recommend to you, called THE BETRAYAL BOND. I can't remember the author, but it should be easy to pull up online. You also should learn more about codependency...why we tolerate abusive relationships, instead of walking away and seeking a relationship that is emotionally HEALTHY. This relationship is definitely toxic. She is incapable of love and only comes back to you when she NEEDS you. Then, she is off & running again. You need to find out WHY you are allowing her to come back. Believe me, there is a reason.

I had a fiance who did the "on again; off again" cycle with me for over 16 months, until I finally stepped back and said "No more." He would break up with me, then make up with me. He would claim to love me one day; then, he would rage at me and turn on me the next.

How much more of that sort of rejection and abuse do you want to take?

She is not going to change. You are the only one who can change...who can do the work to recover and move on to a healthier, happier life.

You certainly deserve better than what she is dishing out.

- Ma Strong

October 25, 2006
12:10 pm
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Simondo3573
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Thanks for the support Ma Strong. I am working hard on admitting I am Codependant I know I must be, though I would not say that I found myself like this in previous relationships I was married for 13 years to my first wife who has in fact been incredibly supportive over this, I just somehow seemed to get sucked into being where I am now. Now having looked around on the net all the signs of trouble were there right from her asking me to marry her within weeks of meeting and rushing straight ahead and believing it was going to be good, but as they say if it looks to good to be true it probably is. I will go and search that book out

October 29, 2006
6:16 am
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sis_who_got_help
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I know that when I was in an abusive relationship, I not only cried for him, but I cried for me. I was so sad that I felt so worthless (at the time) that I desired that kind of self-destructive "love". I hope that you sit down now and realize that you are worthy of being loved by you. That you can fill that void left by your ex with love from you to you. You have the right to your own love. You are worthy of more than just magnetism. You are worthy of someone who will love you monogamously. It sounds like your ex doesn't love herself either. Take this time to fall in love......with you.

October 29, 2006
10:12 am
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road less traveled
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Simondo,
Your relationship to your wife are confirmation of one very clear universal truth about all of us:

THE RELATIONSHIPS WE CHOOSE REFLECT OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OURSELVES.

The only way we can change our choice of relationships is to change our relationship with ourselves,
but, this is not an easy road, it takes all the courage you can muster. It's the most difficult relationship of all, the one we create with ourselves.

Facing ourselves is the most difficult, yet, exciting road you will ever take. Take courage if you are ready.

But we all need help. Keep searching for that help, go to a co-dependant therapest. It's a good first step.

Dare to face yourself,
RLT

October 29, 2006
10:14 am
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dreamer123
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We seem to hang on to a marriage that has long since been over much more than we should. Marriage is a sacred thing, but at the same time, when it has died and we just hold on to the hopes of what might happen in the future, both parties are unhappy and wasting each others time. Time is precious. Love is precious. If we dont allow each other to let go and find love and happiness, then do we really love that person at all. Step back a moment and look. Yes, she is with someone else already you said. Does she seem happier? Then let her go. Make peace with it in your heart the best you can and focus on your happiness too. Tomorrow is not a promise , but we cant live like life has ended today either. Love may find you when you least expect it and be all you have missed for so many years of dead marriage.

October 30, 2006
5:15 am
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nvr2late
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dreamer...
that is a great way to look at this..time is precious and love is precious!

we always seem to forget that we live once and time does not wait for us...pretty soon we will be looking back at our lives and wonder why we did not make the changes we should have sooner!!!!

we all should have hope that tomorrow is a better day, and that we might be able to find true happiness...other than look to why we could not find that with the person that we love.

I believe there is true EVIL in this world, someone that treats us as bad as our ex's or whomever does NOT deserve our energy.
if they don't see what a precious gift we are...let them GO!

there is someone out there that will!

we have to treat ourselves like we would treat our kids...THEY ARE precious gifts.
and I see that everyday!
but so are WE!!
there is no sense in loving someone that hurts us, we can still love them, not their actions.

and let them go..I would rather be alone than wasting precious life energy to try to make someone change!!

nvr

October 30, 2006
10:10 am
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Simondo3573
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Thanks folks. I neeeded all these good words, feeling somehow calmer this afternoon its been an intense few weeks tears anger loss grief and no sleep, perhaps today a little acceptance. I have read good self help books talked incessantly about her got myself good relationship ending affirmations got a councillor been to doctors though I quickly realised tranqs were not helping and looked at MY Pandora's box. This site has been great. To know that I am not alone in the world when I’m awake alone in my bed has been very comforting indeed. Yet to bump into her in town she works so close to where I live but I will cross that bridge when it comes

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