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Why Do Men do that?
March 4, 2007
9:03 pm
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Rasputin
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I met this good guy about a few months ago. We have been spending good time together ever since Thanksgiving dinner, Xmas Eve & new year's Eve up to the present. We seem to really get along with each other in so many respects, even if our goals and dreams are different from each other.

Due to our different goals, dreams and aspirations, we have decided to stay just friends...No strings attached. We still enjoy one another's company so much and even get along.

Sometimes I try to visualize him as my future hubby, although I like it, yet I get discouraged by our differences & personal preferances.

Although we have both discussed Frankly our romantic future with each other...that we are ONLY "good friends", nothing romantic in the horizon...yet my friend keeps doing something every now and then that really sets me off.

Every now and then...he keeps talking to me about how he was being pursued, chased, flirted, courted...by this girl or that woman at that place who tried to seduce him or give him her phone # or was aggressively asking him for a date or this and that.... Sometimes he even asks me if I am jealous because of that woman who keeps talking to him. I reassure him that I not jealous while looking surprisingly at his question as if telling him there was no need for this question since we are only good friends, hoping he would get my non-verbal response.

Why does he do that? What is he trying to prove to me since he knows that we enjoy each other's company...but nothing serious between us???

Thanks~Ras~

March 4, 2007
11:55 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Hey Ras,

Have you asked him what he is hoping to accomplish with this topic?

My guess based on what you have said here is that he is either testing to see if you care for him beyond friendship or just carrying a conversation and not realizing that it might be making you uncomfortable and something in your body language suggests that you might be so he checking to see if it he should change the topic.

We can all make guesses, but he is the only one who truely knows why he says that. If you are comfortable with him, I would just ask him next time he talks about it.

Hugs,
Chelonia

March 5, 2007
12:22 am
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CoDpsych
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Guys are wierd in so many ways and most of the time they lack any self awareness to realize that what they are doing might be hurtful or uncomfortable to someone else. I think that commenting on the process next time he does it is the best way to go. As a friend he should understand your feelings and be respectful of them. I'm not sure if he's trying to prove something to you or to himself. Sometimes the comment: "what do you want me to hear in what you're saying," work great.

Warm regards.

March 5, 2007
3:41 am
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NAZZDACK
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Becuase he needs to be more blunt and tell you he desires a relationship with you and is not satisfied with just being friends. My guess is he hopes by telling you stories of these other women you will have a greater sense of urgency to "lock him up" before someone else will.

My guess is if he truly had all of these better options the only stories you would be hearing would be of his new girlfriend.

March 5, 2007
5:20 pm
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Rasputin
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Thanks folks so much for your reply. Yep, you are all right! It seems that my friend seems to want more than pure friendship. I really like this fellow and I've told him about my terms and conditions. So...if he wants to move to the next level and have a "Romantic Space" in my heart, he knwos very well what he needs to do.

March 5, 2007
9:06 pm
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truthBtold
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Ras,

Don't let this guy play games with you.

Remember.....it is not what he says or does.....but how the man FUNCTIONS that will tell you all you need to know - you know?

Great to fantacize......just know that that coach might soon turn into a great big ole pumpkin when the clock stikes midnight..........and what are you left with???????

A tried and true relationship is absence of games and childish mainupulation tactics. Trust your gut.

Remember - your goals and dreams are different.....no sense wasting your precious time in trying to fit something square into something that is round...........you know?

(Chalk it up to ever more fucking "par for the fricking course......") and let it be.........

March 6, 2007
3:44 pm
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LA Rosa
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It doesn't really seem appropriate for him to be talking to you like this... and it sounds to me that he likes the thought of all these women wanting him... making a good point of letting YOU know about it... and then switching back to what is appropriate... but not without wanting to know if you're jealous?!

It reminded me of when the narcissist I was involved with told me in great detail how all the women thought he was 'the' greatest, while blaming me not-so-indirectly for causing his erection problems... all tactical games. Not saying your 'friend' is a narsuone of those though... but still it sounds like some game.

March 6, 2007
4:03 pm
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caraway
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Ras,

The guy probably just wants to have sex with you and still be friends. He has probably convinced himself that you really want him and just using the friend thing to get close to him.

His loss if he pushes you away.

Cary

March 6, 2007
4:55 pm
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angel4U
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((((Raz))))

(My opinion) He could be doing this for several reasons ... it could possibly be a manipulation ploy (innocent or not-so innocent) to see if you really like him in another way cuz he likes you in that way (many guys do this, many guys seem to like women that are a challenge, and many women play hard to get) ... immature, IMO, but we all have our learning to go through before we grow up =)

However ... and I am going to play devil's advocate here a little ... it could really be simply that if he sees you as a good friend, telling you about these women may be normal to him. I have many guy friends that have shared things with me about other women liking them ... and I see it as their way of getting a better understanding about it all from a women's perspective. And the asking you if you're jealous could simply be his way of respecting you and your friendship (although I have to agree, this question is a little odd to me ... and seems more like he wants to know if "you" want him - I see this as ok once, but constantly would get "really" annoying).

Bottom line ... We could guess all day and make judgement calls, but in my opinion, only this guy knows the why's ... so why not ask "him"? You may both grow to understand eachother better by having some dialogue and be able to nip it in the bud before it gets too big and a friendship is lost. It seems that the look on your face when you have answered him in the past is obviously a little too passive for him, and he's not "getting" how much it really annoys you.

If he doesn't give you an answer, or even if he does (his choice), and since you don't like it ... why not simply set your limit (boundary) with him from there by asking him to please stop. If he can't respect your wishes, or turns it around and accuses you of being jealous (I've had this happen to me - and find it very annoying when someone thinks they know me better than me! Actually, the proper term for it is "controlling"! ... and I think it was a way to cover up there own insecurities) then I would limit my contact with him until he does stop. In some instances, this is unfortunately the only way to get some "boundary busters" to take us seriously (and it doesn't always work either).

Many hugs comin' atcha girlfriend! Let us know how things progress.

angel4U

March 6, 2007
5:06 pm
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angel4U
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btw - My response was a way of helping you learn how to "take charge of your own life" ... if we don't like something, I believe it is our responsibility to stand up and try to stop it - whether anyone agrees with us or not. In many cases, people's intentions may be innocent and people don't know we don't like something until we tell them. And sometimes the why's don't matter either - especially in cases where abuse is involved. (I do believe though in some instances knowing the whys helps us learn about one another ... and helps grow our friendships stronger).

ok, enough from me now .. =)

March 7, 2007
4:25 pm
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Rasputin
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Thanks so much for your sensible replies TB, La rosa, cary, ...and (((angel4u))) what a surprise! Good to see you after long absence sweetie!!!

I agree with you he is playing games & trying to manipulate me, and wants to have sex with me like most guys and no matter how good a man is, there is always some part of him that is...immature, childish, lacking in sense.

Yesterday I spoke with him...he was SO nasty, mean and sarcastic. He really was making fun of me, not showing any empathy or sympathy even tho I told him that I needed his help and listening ear.

I'm starting NC with this Jekyl and Hyde guy. Sometimes he seems to be SO sweet and caring and other time he seems like dracula. Don't know what to make out of him.

But, I am definitely angry at his uncaring and cruel behaviour of yesterday.

BTW: He hasn't asked me this question about jealousy or any other girl chasing him lately ever since I posted this thread. If he does it again, I will ask him why he's doing so & what's he trying to accomplish...as many of you have suggested to me here.

I will definitely keep you all updated!

Welcome back & (((Angel4u))) hon and hope you will hang around!

March 9, 2007
7:46 pm
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NAZZDACK
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"I am definitely angry at his uncaring and cruel behaviour of yesterday."

He thinks you have friendzoned him, which translates into the blackhole of being a shoulder to cry on and nothing else. Now he is trying to reclassify himself into the rewardable position the badboy/jerk gets, but it's to late for that tactic now.

Basically the guy is trying the best way he knows how to get your attention at something other than a friend.

March 10, 2007
9:21 am
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Rasputin
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Thanks Nazzdak for your lovely feedback. Yes, he's got the jerk in him. I feel sorry for him...he's been having some valid pressures at work with his boss ever since December and this case has been pending...also he hasn't heard from his daughter or seen her ever since Xmas and those pressures are acting on him and driving him nuts.

I am not trying to rationalize away his bad actions. I am entitled to be treated kindly in the same way I treat him kindly. However, I am keeping him in my prayers and maintaining NC with him till further notice! He owes me an apology. If he does not realize that, I don't want to have anything to do with this dude! Period.

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