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Why do I want some one who doesn't want me>
August 10, 2001
3:55 pm
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sally-anne
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I am attracted to this guy. The thing is, as soon as I think a guy likes me, I go off them. The problem with this guy is that he's playing games with me. One minute he appears to like me, then, without warning he seems non-plussed. When he seems non-plussed, I end up chasing him etc & I hate myself for it. Why do I get stuck in this cycle. This guy has caused me so much misery, I find myself analysing his every move, expression etc trying to determine if and how much he likes me. I wish he would fall head over heels with me then I could move on. I'm beginning to wonder if he can read me like a book cos he seems to know what buttons to push to make me dance. Why & how do I get out of this?

August 10, 2001
5:11 pm
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gingerleigh
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The current guy aside, I'd be more curious to know why you thrill after the chase and then lose interest as soon as it appears that a man is insterested in you.

I have heard that some people chase after men, and then lose interest when the interest is returned because they don't feel good about themselves. "Well, I don't like myself, so if he likes me, then why on earth would I want him? He has awful taste."

That's one possible perspective.

Maybe this new guy, since he doesn't really want you, looks to be more worthy in your eyes because his "standards" are higher than where you see yourself.

What do you think?

August 10, 2001
5:18 pm
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janes
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The thrill of the chase......

I want to hear what your standards are too.

August 10, 2001
5:22 pm
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Molly
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Then again, there is that old boredom game, going for it just to see if you can, and pick easy targets, that you really have no interest in, power, and controll????????????

August 11, 2001
1:04 pm
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sally-anne
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Thanks for your replies, guys. I don't know why. All I know is I want to not feel like this anymore. I want to stop putting so much power in 1 individual's hands that they can make me feel so down in the dumps. At times, I loose interest in everything. As an aside, how can I tell if I mean anything to him?

August 13, 2001
6:37 pm
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Ladeska
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Sally-Anne....you've got the answers to your own questions. Just easier to ask someone else. Makes you avoid the process of facing "you". We all do that thing of - so what do all you guys think is the reason I do what I do? Uh-duh, rather comical, but we do know "why". Face the mirror, girlfriend and find the answer. It's there - just need to pull it out of yourself.

You pick guys who play your game b/c you're being lazy with yourself. You like the game, what can I say? If you didn't - you wouldn't do it. It's that simple. When you get really, really tired of it - you'll answer your own question and it won't be anyone else's analysis. My two cents on it would be - you get a reward from catching the fish and then you catch and release. Until you see a bigger reward to go for - you won't be dumping this game anytime soon. As much as you protest - you still like it.

August 13, 2001
6:49 pm
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ranmar1
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Ladeska,
I know you have been following my threads (Help Me Please x ?) so I hope you don't take exception to my viewpoint. This is not just a guy thing. This goes both ways. My STBX has allowed another guy to come chasing after her with all the attention, admiration, adhoration, etc..It makes her feel in control and powerful, so she allows it to happen, even though she is (was soon ) married. It could be the thrill of the hunt in reverse, or it could be a personality defect (Narcissism). I think that if you have to go chasing after someone, and they aren't honest enough with you and your feelings, forget it, you are setting yourself up to be hurt, big time. If you succeed in catching them, what have you really caught after all the games and chasing? I think instead of playing the come and catch me games, why not just be honest enough with yourself, go with your instinct, and be prepared for the outcome........
Randy

August 14, 2001
3:26 pm
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sally-anne
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Thanks again guys.

August 14, 2001
4:40 pm
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Ladeska
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Randy....maybe you misunderstand me somehow, but I completely agree with what you just said.

August 20, 2001
3:51 pm
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Kay33
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Sally-Anne it appears you are choosing Passive Agressive men. In dating, they pursue what they don't have. When getting it, they passively let go. It can be a flip-flip and usually involves many little white lies in the manipulation process. This hurts and is unhealthy. You might want to consider your part in why this type attracts you and work on changing it.

August 20, 2001
3:53 pm
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Kay33
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...also consider the possiblity that you may be the passive-agressive one....

August 21, 2001
10:37 am
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ranmar1
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Ladeska,
You are right, we are saying the same thing.......thanks.....
Randy

August 21, 2001
10:55 am
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Ladeska
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Ranmar....*smile*

August 21, 2001
4:58 pm
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sally-anne
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Kay33, I don't really understand whay you mean. What does passive-agressive mean? This guy that I'm "after" at the moment, goes from giving the impression that I mean a great deal to him to acting really stand-offish. It leaves me reeling as to where I stand with him.

August 21, 2001
6:18 pm
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Ladeska
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Passive aggressive behavior is about not feeling comfortable in your own skin with your own feelings, so you express them covertly, never front and center. Hidden meanings, push and pull, no meaning yes, yes meaning no and alot of maybe's. If you like upfront behavior - won't find it here and they aren't famous for owning their stuff either.n

They are late, procrastinate, rather moody people, a bit narcissistic, and tend to be quite arrogant because they get away with alot of stuff being rather sneaky and sidewinding. If they never really quite lay it out on the table.....you can't ever really nail jello to the wall, can you?

August 22, 2001
1:49 pm
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sally-anne
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Ladeska, you have just oulined his character! SO what do you do with these guys?

August 22, 2001
3:03 pm
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Ladeska
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If you're asking me personally - I'd say - dump him. I'm much to against putting up with that b.s. anymore. And I'm not into it with my girlfriends either and they can be the worst! Quickest way not to have me around is to start this stuff. Life is too short.

But, it's all a matter of how much pain you want in your life and why you want it? Sometimes, we align ourselves with people we feel like we deserve for some twisted reason, or it's because we really are like them and birds of a feather flock together.

I see alot of people cry "victim" and after I stay tuned for awhile to the pattern - I go - Not. Alot of victims are actually the ones who pull all the strings and yet, the halo over their head couldn't be brighter. yeah, right.....

So, I can't answer you question about - what to do? I'd be gone, so I'm not a good one to ask. If you want to dance with this - then someone else will have to tell you the dance steps. I put in my time on all that. People like that give me the creeps, for good reason.....

August 24, 2001
10:41 pm
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lottie
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First of all I get hooked on a guy because of course he is so nice at first.He is my dream man is good-looking,intelligent,he tells me whot I want to hear which is that I am good looking and intelligent blah blah.
Then once I am hooked in the fantasy land then little things such as "Was he flirting with that other woman? Oh no it was just my imagination, Then he says things like "Gee your putting on few pounds."Then he gets moody and ignores me.This is not every relationship I have ever had it is just sometimes I just stayed to long waiting for him to go back to the way he was.
So a good rule is I need to be sure I have some women friends for a reality check.
I don't have time for mixed messages where the guy is nice on minute then cold the next that game COME HERE, GO AWAY.
I used to drive myself crazy trying to figure out what he was thinking & feeling.I didn't want to face the fact
that his behavior indicated that for him it was OVER.So sometimes he is nice. When he is miserable more than he is nice. When the pain outweighs the pleasure it's time to move on.Which is easier said then done.
That is why it is important to have a real life a job I love, a book I am writing, painting learning to play the piano, so that when I am not with him I have something to fiil the void.

August 25, 2001
7:18 pm
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Sally-anne.

It's the old push-pull game that's coming from insecure attachment in infancy.

You seem to me to be exhibiting the same push-pull characteristics that you attribute to your man. I base this supposition of mine on your statement, "The thing is, as soon as I think a guy likes me, I go off them." This implies that as soon as he withdraws his affection you come back on to him.

In simplistic terms, as soon as this guy pushes, you pull and as soon as he pulls, you push and so if persevered with the painful dance goes on in an ever steepening spiral down into depression, madness, suicide or termination of the relationship.

Ladeska is giving good advice when he said, "...it's all a matter of how much pain you want in your life and why you want it? ... If you want to dance with this - then someone else will have to tell you the dance steps."

The 'steps' are best learnt from inmates in an insane assylum, because that's where this dance is done best. Most of the other less accomplished contestants are either locked up in jail, prematurely dead by their own hand or walled up in a cocoon like emotional fortress/prison of their own making.

We are dealing with irrational emotional cravings here that originate in infancy and can only be satisfied by the adult in you taking on the responsibilities of providing the self-validation, approval and love so much sought by this childlike emotional part of you. Please don't think that you can change him. Only he can effect that change over a very long time... and only then if he has the insights, realisations and the will to do so.

Love from external sources is indescribably beautiful, desirable and cathartic. However, such love is a gift; not something that can be demanded from another human being. The supply of love from yourself for yourself is within your capabilities. But first you have to get to know yourself in order to know how to best do that loving; because after all said and done, 'love is as love does'!

Lecture over. šŸ™‚ I hope it helps.

August 26, 2001
12:37 pm
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gingerleigh
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Beautifully said, Tez.

August 26, 2001
4:51 pm
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sally-anne
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Thanks Tez. I don't see it as a lecture. I see it as honest insight from someone on the outside looking in, when I am on the inside and can no longer see out cos the windows have become fogged. This sounds scary stuff.

I'm relatively new to this site, but already I feel like I have friends here who will give me honest opinions, no strings. Thanks guys.

August 27, 2001
11:06 am
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Ladeska
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Tez...(chuckle) I'm a she, not a he. Very well said... You crack me up thinking - you lecture. Hardly..

Sally-Anne....all journeys have a risk factor to them. And the personal journey that we take to - know ourselves is one of those journeys, but has a tremendous payoff. It is only risky - if we opt not to go there.

If you look - externally to fulfill who you are - then you will always be lacking and will always be "prey" for those who are - scavengers in this life.

When you really learn to "love" you - you start feeling this strong fortress go up around you - that says - I don't have to rush into anything...I have specifications for what is allowed through my gates because I realize - what I need and desire in order to "compliment" - who I already am.

When that happens - you won't be attracting people that are going to take from you. You will see them coming and send the guard at your front gate a message saying - No Entrance for this person.

If it sounds "scary" going on this journey of self knowledge - I would dare say - it's quite a bit safer than the journey you have been on....

Time to be really "present" with yourself....time to erase the blackboard and ask questions....pick up the paint brush and only use the colors that feel good to you, not the ones that someone else tells you to use...

August 27, 2001
7:04 pm
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Ladeska

Whoops!! Sorry.

That's the problem with the web. The lumps and bumps aren't visible. šŸ™‚ I guess my male stereotyping of the way men and women think must have unconsciously got in the way.

August 28, 2001
10:51 am
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CatEyes
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I am going through the same thing right now. I've gone through it many times before. I've read books, gotten lectured from friends and I should now better, but I wonder why it keeps heppening. I am so happy by myself, but I keep trying to have relationships with people. It is a wonder why I haven't given up, but I do keep trying. It is hard for me to believe that people can be so cruel. If someone does not want me, I would rather have them tell me then lead me on. How can you tell when someone is lying? How do you learn to trust? It seems that when I meet someone, I am very skeptical, then I think maybe I should give this person and chance and that they are not like the other guys. As soon as I do that, then they start playing the games. Someone once told me that I had to start playing the games, but I don't want to. What do you do? I feel your pain, but you have to let this guy go, just as I do.

August 28, 2001
10:57 am
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CatEyes
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I feel your hurt. I am going through the same thing. The only thing you can do is forget about this guy and move on. I know that it is easier said than do--I have to do it myself. However, I have learned that if someone likes me, then why do I have to chase after him because when I like someone they wouldn't have to chase after me. The answer is that the person doesn't like you as much as you thought they did. They actually like themselves more, which is what you have to do but not in the way that they do. I know it is hard because I keep going through the same thing. It is a wonder that I haven't given up, but I do still have hope.

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