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Why do I think I can fix everything!?!??!!?!?
February 17, 2006
9:53 am
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Anonymous
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Follow up to: I didn't get out of bed all day yestersdy...No tears left to cry.

Things have been rocky with the bf. Last night I was talking with some mutual friends and they said no offense but you sound like an exact repeat of his ex-wife! It was like someone hit a bat and said wake up... Why do I think I am any different? Why do I think he will change for me? When is it time to let go?

February 17, 2006
10:00 am
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butterflybaby
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You think he will change for you because you love him so much and because you would be willing to change yourself if he wants to...or atleast that is what I get from it. That is how I feel with my bf.....and only you will know when it is time to let go and it may not be all at once it may be slowly over time.

February 17, 2006
10:13 am
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i guess I feel like i should be able to do something to make things better. I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach like I need to end this.Especially after last night when people said that I was saying some of the exact things his ex-wife used to complain about.

I said I would see how things were after he gets settled in his house but i don't know if anything will be different.I hope it is but it seems like the handwritting is on the wall. I just think he is good at pushing people away and running from problems.

I want to get married and have kids with someone who really loves and appreciates me. But co-dependent me thinks I can make this work and that being alone would be horrible......

February 17, 2006
10:19 am
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I worry that my prince charming is going to come along and i will be too busy at the pond kissing frogs.....

February 17, 2006
10:30 am
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butterflybaby
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Oh I totally know what you are saying there...about missing a good one cuz your still messing with a bad one. I feel like that all the time and that is part of my plan. I am slowly pulling myself away from my bf. I am taking baby steps and have basically told him that we can be freinds...and i'm going to keep pushing until we are just friends unless he doesn't want that.

But if he is going to continue to act and be the way that he has been I can't go on like that...and I don't want to miss a good one in the mean time.

One of my best buds told me the same thing...right after she left her bf she told me that she didn't want to waste anymore time and that she knew she had passed up some good guys while she was with him but that she didn't want to do that anymore.

She has really been an inspiration for me....cuz i am trying to get some of her strenght that she had to make a change for myself.

February 17, 2006
10:32 am
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A lady at work just said something that I thought was really good about prince charming... She said: believe me, when he shows up you will know. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is just a test so you more clearly define what you want and don't want in your prince.

February 17, 2006
10:54 am
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butterflybaby
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Oh I so believe to that everything happens for a reason. And even though we may not like alot of what we have to go through in the end there is a reason everything happens. Plus I think if I can better learn to handle different type of situations then things will be easier. I know my main problem lies with me and that I really need to focus on myself..and if I'm supposed to be with my bf we will be together but if I'm suppposed to be with someone else then I will be with that person somehow.

Why can't life be easier...I guess I should be greatful for everything else that i have in my life right now outside of my relationship. It just annoys me so much sometimes cuz like every other aspect of my life seems to be in order..so why can't the romantic part fall into place too. I want to get married and have a family so badly!!!

February 17, 2006
10:59 am
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Anonymous
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lol! Are we twins? I always say to my friends I have my life together, good job, great family, lots of friend but I never seem to find the right piece to the romance puzzle either.

February 17, 2006
11:54 am
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nikola
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Hi Butterflybaby and FeelingLost,
This is my first time here. Just read over your exchanges and recognize that I am experiencing the similar issues in my relationship...Okay to join in on the conversation?

February 17, 2006
11:54 am
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Notsure
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Some people are willing to accept someone who is "less than" because they don't want to be alone, have invested too much time already,don't want to upset the chldren, friends or family, are co-dependent or whatever.

There comes a realization though that if one's life and one's self is together then whatever comes next will be better than the last.

You can't fix this person.

Given what you have said that his ex-wife made the same comments as you (which makes sense as he would seek out people with the same make-up and thus the same issues) you are probably better off moving on.

Notsure

February 17, 2006
12:01 pm
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Anonymous
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nikola, Absolutley! 🙂

February 17, 2006
12:01 pm
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Notsure, Thanks for the kind word 🙂
Hugs, Lost

February 17, 2006
12:37 pm
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butterflybaby
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Feelinglost,

Yes from some of the past posted I thought we were so the same too...which kinda makes me feel better that I am not the only one out there with these kinds of issues.

Its just like why am I not able to get my love life together..obviously it is something that I have to work on and want to work on it just seems to be so darn hard...which I know is part of the coda personality that I apparently have.

One of these days hopefully we'll get ourselves together..what I remind myself of though is that I am only human and AM aloud to make mistakes...I'm really now just trying to take things that have happened in the past and learn from them rather than letting them repeat over and over again.

Nikola....welcome! We always have room for more. : )

Hugs Butterfly

February 17, 2006
1:10 pm
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nikola
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Dear FeelingLost,
Thanks so much! I don't even know where to begin.....Let me think about how to start!.....I guess I'll just preface everything by saying that I am dealing with a lot of insecurity and depression these past 6 months. I've been with my boyfriend for a year now. He's been way in California for a week to sell an apt that he owns out there. Regardless, I just feel abandoned and lost without him. I'm beginning to realize that I have some major co-dependency issues. At age 26 it is embarassing to admit this. I don't mean to put stipulations on my life, but I honestly feel that before I was with my boyfriend I was so independent and not afraid of being out on my own (even though I didn't like it)!...I think part of my problem is that I was with someone (before my current boyfriend) for 2 full years. I went straight from that relationship to this one with no 'alone' time inbetween. Perhaps that is part of the reason for my feeling "shock" whenever I am forced to go it alone. Also, there has been some verbal abuse in my current relationship which has really been a blow to my self-esteem. I don't blame anyone. It's not like anyone is holding a gun to my head and telling me to stay in this relationship. However, I have really fallen in love with this person and feel that I got sucked in. Then after 6 or 7 months, the manipulations began and now I feel I am in too deep to leave him. I am seeking help - scheduled an appointment to see a counselor on Monday...Sorry for the ear-full FeelingDown!!

February 17, 2006
1:16 pm
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nikola
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Butterfly - Thanks to you too, I just saw your little note!

February 17, 2006
1:35 pm
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butterflybaby
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Nikola,

Well one thing you should realize is that you are never in to deep to leave. With my exhubby we had been together for 8 years and I def felt that I couldn't leave but I did cuz I had to. Before I had met him I was a very independent and confident person (even though i didn't want to be alone either) but he started verbally abusing me and he did it slowly where i didn't even realize what was happening until i basically had no self esteem left. The only reason i ended up leaving him was because he physically started abusing me at that point. I knew that was wrong.

Things were crazy scary at first but I made it through. I also made the same mistake that you think you made I jumped into another relationship with my current problemaitc bf. We have been together two years now...so lets recap I have wasted 10 years with probelmatic men and I am only 25. So don't feel like you are alone!!!!!!!! I am slowly learning that I am extremely codependent myself and it is so scary. I kicked my bf out again about a month ago although i still see him alot right now only becauase it was to much for me to lose him competely. Slowly and i mean very slowly i am learning that it is ok and even fun to be on your own sometimes. Sometimes i wish i could have more time away from him which for me is a huge step...but then i panic again and want him back. Slowly i think i am coming around.

You have to figure out how do you want your life to be??? How do you want to live? A big thing for me also is that I want my children (when I have them) to see what a good happy healthy marriage is like and i know if I can't project that for them...then who else will. So even though they aren't here yet I am working on myself partially for them.

I would say you need to start of taking baby steps and it kind sounds like you already did..by making your appointment. I saw a counselor for about a year and she helped me out with so many things!!

Good luck and keep writing...it helps me to read about how others are handleing there situations and to vent about mine!!

: )

February 17, 2006
1:45 pm
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BegginMeg
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This isn't my thread but I would like to say to everyone who has made appts. to see counselors i am so envious. I've been depressed and anxiety ridden for 3 and a half years now. This has been a result of my codependency and believeing I can never be alone and independent. I started having panic attacks when I was a senior in hs. I thought that I was just being overly sensitive and figured it would not continue to happen. I am now 21 and I have these attacks when I am laying in bed at night. A single thought can provoke them. It's a horrible feeling and you feel trapped in your own body. I have realized that most people do not feel this kind of stress until later in life after marriage and children. (Both I do not have.) I feel so cheated out of lost time with friends and family because of this codependent realtionship and the effects I have allowed it to have on me. I've made attempts to can psychologists and make appts. but I break out in hives and totally panic the second I hear the phone ringing through on the other end. It is not fair to anyone when you need to seek guidance from a professional because you've choosen to give all of yourself and in return you are empty. This codependency thing is something I never saw coming or knew about. I thought I was just deeply in love. Somewhere along the line of loving "him", I stopped loving me. I left "him", 3 days ago and am struggling to not have him in my every thought. "What is he doing, is he using, is he taking care of our dog and cats, who is he using now to get what he wants? This is absolutely horrible. I find a lot of solice through music and would like anyone dealing with an addict they love to download the song "Fix You," by Coldplay. My grandfather passed aways 2 months ago and and it helped me to feel better and to also feel better about my four year realtionship with my boyfriend. (He is an addict.) Nikola please never lose sense of who you because of your boyfriend. You're a great person with or without him. He does not and will never define you or make you who you are. So glad to hear you're seeking help. Meg

February 17, 2006
2:00 pm
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butterflybaby
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Meg,

Are you or have you tried getting yourself on any type of medicaiton to help you deal with your anxiety? That way you could then start dealing with your codenpendency. One of my friends has panic attacks or used to....she talked to her dr and got on something that helps her so now she can deal with what is causing her panic attacks. Have you read this before about addicts? It was listed on another thread and really slapped me in the face cuz I am also involved with an addict. You did the right thing by leaving him and those thoughts that swirl in your head are so normal for right now...remember as time goes on it will get easier I promise!!!

What Addicts Do.
I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do.

You cannot nor will not change my behavior.

You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use.

When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

Hugs butterfly
Sober24.com

February 17, 2006
2:07 pm
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nikola
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Wow Butterflybaby,

I truly appreciate your insight and the fact that you are willing to offer up your own stories - It is also comforting to see that we are so close in age! The part where you say that he started "abusing you slowly" really struck a chord with me. The funny thing about this relationship is that there were ALWAYS (and you hear of this often in abusive relationships) instances where you notice "red flags" in the behavior of your partner - ones that you chose to ignore - possibly one reason being because you are so excited to be in a new relationship.

I remember the very first instance of abuse with my boyfriend. We had been dating for about 5 1/2 months. He took me away for the weekend to a lovely bed and breakfast up in Great Barrington, MA. I remember a week before the trip I had suggested that we go hiking. He said he didn't think we'd have time for that. So I said fine, and I didn't pack any tennis shoes or jeans because from the way he made it sound, we'd be staying in most of the weekend.

When he picks me up for the trip, instead of commenting on how pretty I look (I was wearing a nice summer dress and had put a little extra time into my appearance that day) he says, "You look like you're dressed for the Prom.".....I was a bit taken aback so I didn't call him on his rude comment!......Instead I ended up crying in front of him later when we were at dinner.

Then MUCH TO MY SURPRISE (because I really did not know him all that well at that point) he throws A FIT in his car saying, "I can't handle this. I can't handle you crying. I've got my own problems to deal with. I don't even know if I want to see you anymore.".......Then an hour later he says he didn't mean any of what he said and that he was just experiencing a lot of personal stress because his mother is in a nursing home......This is just one instance of abuse/One of many red flags that I chose to ignore.

The most recent instance of abuse happened about a month ago. I notice that my boyfriend gets ultra upset anytime "emotions" are brought up. i.e. He gets irritable if I ask him about how he's feeling and/or if I tell him that I am upset about a time when he hurt me....One night I simply asked, "Did you mean what you said to me the other night?" (he had said something mean the night before and never apologized)...I expected him to say NO, but instead he went into a COMPLETE RAGE (no physical violence, but all verbal abuse). He called me "Trash, Stupid, Lowlife" - made me sleep on his couch.

I WAS SHOCKED.

I remember just being totally devastated and thinking, "What in the hell did I do to deserve this?" (I knew I had done nothing wrong) and I also thought, "Where is the old me who would have NEVER put up with this kind of treatment from a man?!"

The next day, he said "It will never happen again."........But strangely, he never said that he didn't mean what he said. All he said was, "Insults have no place in this and I promise it will never happen again."

I told him not to worry about it, though deep inside I have suffered tremendous psychological damage because of what he said to me (even though I know I am not trash and certainly not stupid).

Anyhow, that's just one of a million stories - Thanks for letting me vent!!
I feel better!!

February 17, 2006
2:15 pm
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butterflybaby
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Nikola,

Well glad to hear that you feel better after getting some of that off your chest. I know sometimes it helps me just to write it all out and get it out. I hate to say it though even though he says it won't happen again you have to realize more than likely it will happen again. You have to decide how much more you want/can take from this man and does he deserve this much attention from you?

Good luck but im glad you are feeling better!!

February 17, 2006
2:25 pm
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nikola
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Thanks so much ButterflyBaby,

And yes, you are right. I know the abuse will continue. And from what others have said to me, verbal abuse often develops into physical abuse. I don't want that. Hence, I have made an appointment to see a counselor because I really want to get strong again and get out of this relationship. As you said, you're never in too deep to get out - Somehow that's been hard for me to accept. I live alone in NYC and don't have friends here. Moved here to pursue my singing career. So I think if I could just put more of my energy into ME and MY DREAMS, i can rid myself of this abusive situation.

Thanks again! Anything you need insight on, I am more than happy to assist!

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