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Why Do I Let Him?
August 29, 2000
12:00 am
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Jaskid
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Sometimes my husband gets me so frantic inside that I'd like to punch him out...which is impossible because he is a Karate Master, but the thought of it in the heat of the moment sounds so good! I feel like my husband can give his all for others things...(like Karate, and not to mention his family)and when it comes to something that is very important to me or has something to do with my family, he gets very selfish. He says that I should not try and make him do anything that he does not want to do, but if he can do it for himself or his family, why is everything so difficult when it comes to me... I am His woman and the mother of his five children? When his father says jump, he says "How high?" that's what I told him tonight and he says I'm crazy. Well I told him he's in denial...just admit it. I also said that I am a survivor(which I am) and that I do not need anything from him, but it does hurt me very much that he knows the way I feel & can ignore that, go to bed without saying a word to me and lay his head on the pillow, sleep like a baby, all the while I am in pain, with so many thought running through my mind that I know I will not be able to get to sleep. Even if I do I will wake up a lot with the same thoughts running through my mind. Oh why do I do this to myself? I know that these feelings are temporarly but at the same time I manage to internalize all of the negativity and in the process bring my physical body down with me. I hate the power his has over me. I know I mainly do it to myself, but I am a very emotional(not to mention a pregnant woman...constantly struggling with depression. Why do I let his actions...or lack of, influence my inner being? I hate these days when I am just so tired and weary and wondering why this life is so hard and people are so hard to deal with. Right now I feel like all of the work that I have done to better myself seems to be in vain...because here I am again and the road looks so long and I have come so far, but there seems no end in sight. I know my reality of what is....is not clear today because of the many unpleasant things popping up in my life. I think I pushed myself too hard thing weekend. We all went away to the shore for a Karate tournament and ,who had the kids all weekend, me. I know the kids enjoyed it but for me it was just a hassle because my husband was judging the tournament while I was entertaining the kids by myself. I did not get enough rest or even relax this weekend. I think my judgement is being influenced by my fatigue. Worrying is keeping me up and I might just be exaggerating my problems. My fear more easily enters my mind when it is tired. But the question is, can I stop my intense brain from all of my negative, selfish, unnesessary thoughts. Thank you to whoever reads this, it feels good to vent and not be put down for it.

Jaskid

August 29, 2000
2:06 pm
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Molly
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Poor thing human and female, and pregnant to boot!! Big kissess and huggs for Jaskid. Number one you are tired, number two you are pregnant,number three, you are trying to deal with one of those male things, strange species. Try to laugh it off, the visuals of a pregnant woman confronting a karate master !!! Get the tennis racket out. I think that the emotional side is just fine, when we are pregnant, or menstruating, our hormones peak, and just like the pms questions that were here before it is mother natures way of telling us to give it a rest. Every thing that we normally sluff off shows up in neon during these times. Men go figure!!! I wish I had the ability to turn everything off the way they do. I swear they have a switch in their brain, or they don't have the front lobes that we do. So many times I have done the same, a big up set to me tears me up all day, and he can't even remember the conversation!!! Sometimes I think they feed on power when we feed on our emotional breakdowns.I was told to change my reactions, and surprisingly it works. I also learned when my guy slipped some truth of his therapy, of which I got very little information, that he loved the drama. Like clock work if things are smooth, lovey dovey like, he will toss me a curve ball, and catch me off guard. I will catch my self as I am comming unglued, and go oh, its drama time, why don't you start to crave a steamy sexual scene vs this crap, and go cut my roses. They know us almost as good as the kids do, and what button to push when. So with 4little kids, one big kid, and with one on the way, declare your self the queen, and take a break. Take a stand for what you want and need, but don't even try to make them see what they don't want to see, you'll waste energy, it is not going to change. I have some stuff I am trying to figure out and I will toss it out to you. I am stuck also with the why do I let him, but I am fighting it, and don't know how to effect it, and just short of leaving again, don't know what to do. After 10 years of fighting over this and that, mostly to do with different approaches to life, we are from different cultures, combined with his medical issues, rage, and depression, I also sunk into depression, it is contagious, we seperated for 35 days in January 98, when my mom died, and I left town for the funeral, he moved back in with no resolution, he again left in August 98. I thought we were working on our issues, when he cut off financial support in November 98, so I sold the house and moved after a fight in December. I think he thought he could go on living appart and come around talk, do dinner and me, and go home . He was quite taken when he came over and found the house empty, and learned that I moved 400 miles away. Like I had done something wrong since I was his woman!! never mind that I had discovered he moved from the hotel, and rented a house, and bought all new furniture, which we had sorley needed for years. He came up once and promised the sun and moon and stars, and was in therapy. I agreed to join him in marital therapy, and came down once a month for the sessions which were not going well, in may 99 I caught him cheating, and he like a child with his hand in the candy jar, lied so pittifully, but still swears no action took place, yea, like I was born at night, but not last night. All negotiations were called off by me, and proceeded with divorce. We were married in Mexico, so I met him down there in August 99 for a divorce. He lied,because he is more proficient in Spanish, and I didn't have much need for the paper, I let him handle it, but such a fool, only intended to get the property we shared down there out of my name, the attourney had reinterated that he had left several messages that the divorce was not possible since we were not residents, but my guy thought he could get some, and believe me he tried. No conversation until he discovered I went out of town with my new friends in oct. 99, then the heat was on, he was out to reclaim his woman. He had been in therapy the whole time, and had lost about 75lbs, discussed the changes in him, realized the effects of his medication, and begged for another chance, with focus on committment, our time together, and hope faith and God. Such a salesman. I sold all I had, let go of my job, which I loved, and left a place for the first time I called home, I loved living there, and all my new friends, that was 1/25/2000. He promised that we would move to the beach, because I hate the town we lived in and had planned all those prior years together that we would do such a thing when the kids were gone. He had a new circle of friends so that we would socialize, we were going to start a new business together, and he agreed, that more things would be done together. First in Feb, it was we can't move that is crazy, I have my business here. Then it was a different story every weekend on why we couldn't socialize, then he tried to buy the house we were living in, I declared in March that is not what I want, but escrow closed last week. The payment is $1600 a month, $600 more than we were paying, a bad financial move. The clinic that I used to work at called me in March, May, and August 1 to go back to work, he tossed a fit, he did not want me to work, and the hours do, and did wreak havoc with our life, but he kept saying that finances are ok. Well I have asked for a key to his office, I have asked to be on his accounts, I have asked to be an equal in the finances, and I am completely ignored. I wouldn't be quite so adament about this except that I feel like a sitting duck, he has blood pressure that is out of controll, I know that the income we have now is dependent on his health, I can't get life insurance on him, and yet he is starting to complain about how tired he is, and the money issue. But he doesn't have a problem supporting a son who works for him over 3k a monthpart time, when I could do the same work for us? He even pays his youngest a salary for cleaning the office, of course this 20 year old could get a real job, since he got kicked out of college, but no I should mind my own business. So like how do I force this guy to see what my needs are and act on it? So many things say get out, but the love is there, the marriage could be argued with intrepretation, I am not deprived, but very much kept, but in my heart and mind I say this is not right. I know that if I take a job, it is going to cause war, but sooooo. But if I start to put down roots I don't want it to behere, so am I allready gone? When I confront the promises made, his response , so I am a liar, what do you need that you don't have? My angels and God, just aren't shouting clearly. I hope Brock doesn't read this, he said this would happen. Do you think it is vindictive action for leaving ? The thrill is gone, mostly due to his health and medications, and get this he just told me last night that he has scheduled an elective surgury, some times I think he is forcing the health issue to the point of being disabled, so that I am forced to take on a job to support him for the rest of his life. I don't mind pulling my weight, but he has not paid into any retirement or government programs to protect him self, like workman's comp. I swear I am almost as confused as I was 3 years ago, so when you talk about all the work you have done, and how hard life is I can truly relate. Go ahead after your rest hit me with your best shot.

August 29, 2000
2:38 pm
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Jaskid
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Molly,
First, thank you very much for your response, it really made me smile!

Why are men so damn pig-headed? If they would only listen to their woman once in a while it would save them from alot of heart-ache and pain and it would save us from taking the brunt of it all! They think they can do it all but they can't...Little do they know they would be lost without us. Financial stress on a man makes them regress to their inner child. They just can not handle it. Their mommies aren't around anymore and their pride refuses them from leaning on their wives. They internalize it all as failure. They can't fail...it's not in their nature! So they try and find someway that they think will help them regain control of their life, and what happenes? They usually wind up in more of a mess and who suffers, us! You asked if I thought all of these actions where vindictive because of leaving, absolutely not, he probably knows that he deserved that and much more. Remember you said they can't even remember the conversation that they had with us the night before, You were right! They block these things out of their mind because if they can not solve something right away and they keep thinking about it their brains will explode. So they block everything that ever happened out and become totally CLUELESS!!!! I just talked to my husband and he said, what is wrong with you? I detect a little hostility? I asked him if he even knew why I slept on the couch last night and he said he had no clue. I told him to figure it out and hung up on the Pea-Brain!!! Anyway, I am going to take a nap right now but I do have more things to say. I think we should start an online club with women...on "Why are Men so Clueless!"

:)Jaskid

August 29, 2000
2:43 pm
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Jaskid
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Molly,

I gotta ask...where did you meet your husband? Tell me from the beginning.

:)Jaskid

August 29, 2000
5:12 pm
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Molly
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Now your really going to make me admit how stupid I can be. I should lie, but I don't do that. I left a marriage that in hindsight was close to perfect. The father of my children got caught up in the money and power game, as well as kinky sex wants that I couldn't buy into. We had it all. So I had obtained my real estate license,got a live in maid, and went to work while the divorce was in process, we never even went to a marriage counselor, and I didn't have the brains to ask the priest for help, and couldn't bring it up to his mother , who couldn't say the word poop if she had a mouth full. I hadn't worked for 9 years had been very successful before babies, and thought I knew what I was doing, Right--Hehe
I went to work soliciting mortgages for a broker who belonged to the same health club that our entire community of who's who's belonged to. he was a snake, but it took a while to figure out. I needed a letter to close a deal, and the appraiser wanted his fee before he would release the deal, so I went to escrow to write a check as the broker was on vacation. The appraiser was a sharp dressed, tall dark and handsome man with a smile that could melt ice. I wrote the check and turned down the offer of a drink. 2 weeks later when I am fighting the broker for my $300 back, he said that he had paid him, to pull the power play when I was getting blown off, I said that I was very good friends with this guy, the broker said he is hot and a bad dude, my phone call went right through, so in front of him I said hey pal about that lunch how about next week? he said yea sure, and by the way besides my check that you picked up at escrow, did you ever get another payment? no not a dime. So I got the $300 and a lunch date. I figured it would be a good business move, and it proved out that it was, but I also got wined and dined and romanced, and gifted, and overwhelmed with attention and affection. I was 3/4 of the way through the divorce any how, and waiting for the settlement of the assetts, deciding to go to the north or east, when due to business and my new connection decided to go east. STUPID STUPID STUPID. This is why I preach 2 years inbetween. I went from Mr exploite, to mr.controll freak and never saw it comming. I moved my daughters, got them in school, kept the nanny, and started work in my new branch office that I knew I was going to open north or east. He started comming over as soon as the girls were in school, the market started to change, my networking took a public approach, I was soon pres. of this and that , business got slower, and I stayed home later, the maid bothered him, so she was let go, home to much, and no income. Soon he didn't like the work I was doing, to much night stuff, to much politics, to much involvement not around him, I slowly let go of me. he had his kids X2 weekly and shared an apt with a flake, this had been say 1 year into the mess, so mother of the year here says why don't you move in, and the kids can have a dinner that is not delivered, and a bed at a decent hour. well that got him in the door, and I could kick my self, because after 3 months it flat out was not working. I asked him to leave and he said no that this was now his home, and I was his woman. I thought it was trust issues, so we agreed to get married, down in Mexico. God tried hard to tell me, but some how he forced the universe to make it happen, and it did, and things didn't change. I went back to school, and worked part time for him, then after my degree, worked full time and the market went crazy, I took over his business for 4 years we worked night and day, and took trips to recover. This is when the personality changes took place, anger rage, domestic ca ca. But instead of ending we just shut down. I opened my own counseling center with the last of my funds, and fell flat on my butt, then a friend knew of a position at a clinic in reasonable distance, I took the steady paycheck and benifits, to continue the girls last years of private high school, and get them into college. We survived the last 4 years because I left for work at 4:30am, and went to bed at 8:30pm, which is when he usually got home. His weight , diabetes, and anger were totally out of controll, we couldn't talk about anything, it was hell. Needless to say, I wasn't doing well either, I had lost my uterus on the last family vacation we had tried, in 93. My doctor perscribed to much estrogen, and I became a lethargic ballon, that slept all the time, depression DUH, my doctor told me that single women lived longer, and after 8 different marriage counselors who had asked me why did I stay, I started the plan. I found a job, and an apt on line, I found an out of town broker who had the guts to list my home and it fineally sold, no one in this town wanted to help me because of HIM. The escrow hit a snag, and I lost allot of money in paying double rents for 3 months, as well as having lost his end of financial responsibility. he thought I had inherited 60k, when it was 6k, I was forced into bankruptsy, do I blame him, sure do. I lost my mom, spouse, house, job, and empty nest syndrome in one year, while filing bankruptsy, new job, new town. Was I nuts? So I guess when I saw the physical changes, and heard what I had wanted to hear I took the chance. Being who I am, knowing all the medical complications that we both had, all the time that we had invested, as well as still grieving the perfect marriage,owning what I may or may not have contributed, I went back to try the new improved HIM. I think he pushed hard for the reconcilliation because he did own how abusive and bad he was, I think he does love me, but that he has still strange issues with trust, and understanding partnership. I believe he was raised with out nurturing so he has no concept. I am supposed to be sympathetic of his "conditions"with out discussing them, questioning him, or discussing treatment. I get that he just wants me here and that is not working at this time. He has gotten so spoiled that when I went to visit my daughters 2 weeks ago, something snapped. I was gone for the day, he actually complained to my sis that there was no dinner for him, and would she be available, some of it was truth some joke. The money thing is as you said, they are so wierd, and I got from him real clear, that he is only comfortable around low income, and that just makes me crazy. Sometimes I feel like my whole life went into the toilet when I moved here, and he claims I am his soul mate. his friends all cornered me and said how he had been whining for 2 years, and sooooo loved me, but what they didn't know is that he lived in a hotel for 3 months, rented this house with out me,and that he enrolled in great expectations, and had resumed an affair he had before he met me so he played the victim role about how he went home one day to an empty house, he could have moved back in months before I left!!!! My daughters have had a hard time with my return, and think I have gone over the edge, his kids who were kept from me, we never successfully blended families, the youngest has tried hard to connect he was such a little spoiled brat that used to make trouble all the time, and now owns it, is like, seeking my opinion, and asking for validation all the time, so that is cool,but he is pierced and tatooed and looks scarey, he also thinks his dad is wierd, the oldest boy, who now has a family of two, and couldn't bother to make me aware of the wedding or family stuff, before his father and I seperated now is CONFUSED because I refused to become a full time child care person when school starts. So the worst of my fears with his kids have come true, tossed out of college, illegiatemate kids, and I am having a hard time co-signing this stuff, far less being in public with them. he will never move, never stop supporting his children, and I doubt the relationship with my girls will ever get back on tract the way I want it. I need to go hide all the sharp objects. Sorry about the legnth, you started it.

August 29, 2000
6:03 pm
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WOW! Well I guess you found out that the grass is not any greener on the other side! My mother married my step-father(who passed away four yrs ago) and he had 2 boys who were very jealous and selfish. They never appreciated anything their father did for them and I lived through so many nasty fights between my mother and step-father. It's hard bringing 2 families together when some of the children involved are so selfish.
As far as your girls! You can restore your relationship with them and make it whatever you want it to be, but its hard if they are not willing. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and communicate your heart to them. You know love can build a highway out of dead ends. You are in a tough situation with your husband. My head says oh just leave him and the crap all behind...You deserve better, but my heart says, God brought the 2 of you together for a reason and there's nothing you can do about your first failed marriage, but there is still hope for this one. You've heard it before...For better or worse...(Why does it alway seem worse) anyway if you do know that he does love you, I think communication is essential. Why is it though that when us women are in total agreement with these clueless men and say, Yes Dear! They are the most loving creatures, but as soon as we say no, they get into battle mode and we have no choice but to give in or stay in war. Sometimes I'm up for the fight but usually it's easier to let them think that the white flag is raised.
It's easy for us to lose ourselves in all of the testosterone, but I know you and I are fighters and survivors and if we are still standing there is a reason. I have not been to these thread in a very long time and since I have started to come back I feel less alone. I am a very simple person. I have read some threads and just can't get through them because they seem so complicated, but I am learning through others that expressing what is in our heart and minds is good for the soul.

:)Jaskid

September 7, 2000
6:50 pm
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Tina
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Hi Jaskid,

Hey, I read what you had wrote, and my heart goes out to you. I am very similar to you in that I let my emotions get wound up and distraught by my b/friend's behaviour...by him not showing me a little concern, or by him getting uppety with me, or by him not wanting to resolve issues- it gets me soooo wound up its untrue.

Like you, i have had so many thoughts running thru my mind...its like a pattern that i can see emerging in all my relationships...there is this common theme of temper tantrums, and highly explosive arguments. I allow my feelings to be meessed around by his insensitivities...yet the buring question everyone asks me, is "if he treats u so bad, then why don't you leave him???"-

And this is what i am struggling with. I feel so ashamed of myself, so embarrased, that i am putting up with so much crap...(i haven't mentioned anything as yet) and yet i stay...i put up with it and am afraid to walk away...WHY WHY WHY????? I just don't know, but this isn't the first relationship ive felt like this in....i'm going insane!!!

September 7, 2000
7:26 pm
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Confusion, that is the reason, the cycle of domestic abuse, the honeymoon, the fight, some stability, the fight the honeymoon. It is only 1/3 bad, and you feel like you might be responsible. Confusion. it is debilitating, it is depressing, just as soon as you get over it, and get on with life, ah ha, it happens again, soon you just get depressed, and quit thinking about getting out, as this becomes a way of life. It could also be controll, the truly abusive men, are sweethearts, manipulative, and silver tounged devils, they know how to push the buttons, to make us loose controll, they also like the drama, so that they can have the make up period, sometimes that is the only time that they feel good in the relationship. Like they are so different to the rest of the world. we get the real person, the ones that are fearful of our intelligence, our power, our sensitivity, our leaving. Not all are this way, but there is a pattern. There is a certain amount that the woman must take responsibility for and that is that these guys don't have the nurturing ability that we are asking for. I know my guy gets mad at me if I am sick, or if I am emotional. why because he doesn't know how to fix it, so like this we make excuses for them, that is why we stay. It takes so darn much energy, money etc to leave, and usually we don't have much in these situations, and are emotionally bankrupt.

September 8, 2000
11:04 am
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Tina
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Hi,
Thanks for your message. I can see where you are coming from...Did you read the 'He Hit Me' category?

Well this is part of the crap i have allowed myself to be subjected to...

I never thought i'd ever meet a man who would raise his hand at me, and it has happend after being with him for one and a half yrs- i was in total shock...(the worst thing of all was that he accused me for provoking him!!!)...yes, according to him i had provoked him so next time, i need to be more understanding and allow him to leave / storm off if he needs to keep his cool!!!

He is away on holiday for 3 weeks now, and b4 he left, we had another blazing row, and i told him that this is the kind of behaviour i will not put up with...and if he has an attitude like that, then we should end it here....

After much discussion, we ended up making up...(don't ask me how, but we did)...and he left for his 3 week treck in Peru.....

Now, i'm so confused, one min't i'm thinking i'll leave him when he gets back, then i'm thinking - oh but i'll miss him... and then i'm thinking may be i need time out / time away...

I don't know, please help with any kind of advice...i'm in pieces!!!

I feel so stupid too!!!!
many thanks for listening...my full story is on the 'He Hit Me' page....
Luv
Tina

September 8, 2000
12:57 pm
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Molly
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This is great, you can move, or pack up his things, pay for a storage, and have the key or ticket waiting for him at the airport. I know how you made up. It is the cycle honey. Get out of this relationship NOW or plan on this type of instability for ever. Do not think pink thoughts, think survival, he is the enemy. Don't let him keep the confusion going

September 8, 2000
8:03 pm
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Hi Molly,

thanks for that, but i am worried that because this is a pattern, (and this has been going on in al my past r/ships), that the next one will have the same traits, the bullying, the temper etc...is the only way to defeat that by being alone and nurturing yourself by what you said in your last message about taking up yoga and stuff?

how did u get so strong/...you sound like you really have your head on your shoulders....thanks again

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