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Why do I feel this way........Snow
January 7, 2006
7:05 am
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nvr2late
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Get a cat! that is a great idea!
I understand on missing the drama...I was there at one time...at least it was some communication, but after awhile I realized that it was not all that much fun!

I met another guy, that seemed to be somehow exactly like my ex....only a few years down the line...
he started that whole...'I am confused, I don't know what I want' crap...
and I was strong enough to tell him..
then LEAVE ME ALONE!
I don't want the games anymore...I am looking for a partner, and I owe nothing to YOU!

I still don't know where he is at, he makes comments like he is 'chosing' me..then his actions say different....
I had to let go of that, control what I can control and I sure am not going to WAIT for him to 'choose' me....

I told him I want someone that WANTS to be with me, not just when there is not something 'better' at the time!

I guess we do learn, it is a slow process...it is not a good thing to rush.
Take care of yourself!
šŸ™‚

boy are we early birds!

January 7, 2006
7:55 am
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whidbey
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Snow, I think I'm start to sound like a broken record since yesterday, but I received my book, The Betrayal Bond, in the mail yesterday, which someone here recommended. PLEASE GET THIS BOOK!! (Just a note to all, my capped letters are for emphasis, not anger šŸ™‚ ). I'm already halfway through the book. There are exercises and journaling to do, and I worked and read for three hours straight last night. It has a fantastic explanation of WHY we "miss" all that drama in our lives. Please, please, please get this book. At the very least, it will help you fill in some of those hours. Perhaps you can do this with your new kitty on your lap... šŸ™‚

January 7, 2006
7:59 am
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SadMike
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{{{{{{Snow}}}}}}}}

You certainly don't need that in your life. It's been a very long time since I've spoken to my ex-wife, but I understand how you feel.

I was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do to tell my ex-wife I didn't want to speak to her again. Perhaps it was a bit harsh, but I knew that for my own well being I had to. It was the only way I could atempt moving on.

She was with her new guy. How could I continue talking with her and just hurting myself over and over again?

So, I gave her up. I let her new guy have her.

There were some other mitigating factors as well which you can read about on other posts, but the gist of it stands the same: I let her go physcially; I suppose I'm still letting go of her in my heart.

January 7, 2006
9:08 am
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snowlover
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SadMike,

I did the same thing. I told him on Tuesday I wanted him out of my life and to be left alone. At the time i was angry, so it was easy for me to say. But now, a few days later Im not so angry anymore and the reality of those words have hit me.

Im in the same position you were with your ex-wife. My Ex BF is now with his ex-wife instead of me, so even though I wanted him with me, he has obviously made his choice. Its hard because he lies and says hes NOT with her the way i think he is. Of course I know thats not true.

I couldnt agree more that the letting go with the heart is the hardest part of all of this. Just seems like doing whats best for you is sometimes the hardest thing to do.

I have read some of your other posts, and know some of what youve went thru. Im sorry for all the pain youve had to endure. For me, it helps to know Im not alone in this, though I dont wish the pain on anyone, if that makes sense.

Thank you so much for your kind words. Hugs for you...(((((((Sad Mike)))))))

Snow

January 7, 2006
9:11 am
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snowlover
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nvr2late...

I think youre right. Im going to look into getting a kitty. Having something to come home to would be nice for me.

You must have felt soooo proud of yourself to be able to tell that new man you met that you werent willing to wait for him to decide. God, that must have been so empowering. id like to think I could do that with someone new when the time is right.

Im trying to follow your advice and not rush things. I suppose I didnt get here overnight, so fixing it overnight isnt possible....darnit!!!

Hugs.....Snow

January 7, 2006
9:15 am
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snowlover
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Whideby...Im really looking forward to getting it actually. I ordered 3 books yesterday, and the only one I can recall right now is "dont call that man". I saw someone else mention it, and it sounded pretty good. Then I ordered 3 more this morning, including the Betrayal Bond everyone is talking about lately.

I love to read self help books, and most of them really do sink in and give me some strength. The last one I read that i really loved was "men who hate women and the women who love them". it gave me a LOT of insight into me, him, and the situation.

I swear i could open up my own bookstore with all the self help books Ive bought in the last few months....lol.

Hugs for you sister......Snow

January 7, 2006
9:29 am
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It took me a good couple of months before the anxiety, the mental pain, the anguish, etc, to feel better. With that comes acceptance too. You learn to deal with things better. You don't walk around in pain. You do start to feel better. You will too. You're still struggling and it is ok. But you do have strength, whether or not you know it. You are working this out on your own. That takes a lot of strength. With time, you will be just fine. As you go through each episode, try to keep in mind what will happen if you allow yourself to be opened up and stirred up by this man. Ask yourself if it good for you and if you will feel hurt. Say to yourself, I don't want to hurt anymore. And get busy with something else to clear your head. That is what I did. I am praying for you Snow.

I think it is good to have a kitten. And reading self help books is really good for right now. I did that too. When I started feeling better, I notice I don't have an interest in them but then again I have been so busy working on projects in the house. That is what kept me going. I am still hurt believe me but nothing the way it was a few months back. I still have not come around to the idea of being serious with anyone or wonder if I will ever meet the right one or not. Right now, I don't want anyone. Right now I do not know what I want. I just am so into house projects. I do enjoy it. Maybe a puppy would be good but then I think of the responsibility of a dog. I am not sure. I have cats. I have a fluffy black and white cat and a siamese. I am "master" to the siamese. She follows me everywhere and talks to me in meow. She sleeps on the bed with me. She has to be wherever I am. And she "pees" in the toilet. I hope you have a great day Snow.

January 7, 2006
9:36 am
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taj...what i really want is a dog, but I work almost 70 hours a week, so i dont have the time to devote to a dog. Kitties are more independent, and can be left alone for longer periods of time. Im actually thinking of getting 2 so they can keep each other company. I think it would be really good for me.

I agree..time is the factor here. I think Im beginning to see some of my strength, just a little of it. Thank you so much for your continued support and words of encouragement.

This website is my saving grace.

Snow

January 7, 2006
7:18 pm
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nvr2late
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Snow...
It was empowering to say to the new man that I was not waiting around...unfortunately he was not such a 'new' man..I have known him and had a very 'arm's length' relationship with him for about a year.

He was my boss, and we were thrilled when I got a promotion in a different area of the company...
well, interestingly enough that was not good enough, I now know that they were excuses, because besides seeing each other a little more...not much changed.

Now I have to work with him, we hopefully did not do enough damage that we cannot still be friends and that is what I told him that I wanted to be.
I want someone who WANTS to be with me, and I dealt with him not calling for DAYS....
nothing changed.
So I dealt with enough hurt, and I don't hold grudges, so he is lucky.

He is 'confused' and I am not even sure why...maybe it is an excuse to have his cake and eat it too.

But it was MUCH easier because I do not owe him anything, with my ex we have 2 kids together.
He is just causing me pain.

I am on my way to healing! šŸ™‚
Before, I would not have given this a second thought and would have waited for him to 'pick me'

January 8, 2006
9:24 pm
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Snow, is this your orignal thread?

I wanted to read about your circumstances, I hope you dont mind.

I wondered myself about some things, and you had posted on another thread about leaving everything good behind.

i was curious what it was that led you to leaving?How you met this person?

have you found the reason why you let your heart go to someone while you were married?

Im asking for my own personal reasons, Im sure I want out of my marriage, its abusive and eveyone should leave.
But i dont want to have an affair either..
Im hoping you can help me get my feelings straght..

Thanks Love kasie

January 9, 2006
7:40 am
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snowlover
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Kasie......this man was my first love. I was with him for 3 years before I even met my now ex-husband. he himself was married during those 3 years, though i didnt know at the time.

He left me to return to his first wife once again, and that time I gave up on him. I met the man i ended up marrying. VERY much a rebound relationship, it just happened to last for 15 years. T (the married BF) never let me be the entire time i was married. he himself got divorced, then remarried during that time. he called a LOT, came to see me several times (we lived several states from each other at the time), and even proposed to me several times.

I never LIVED in my marriage Kasie. T never let me be long enough. I was always longing for what i once had, what i thought was my true love, my happiness. When his 2nd marriage fell apart a little over 2 years ago he contacted me and asked me to come be with him, for good this time. I did. I moved 1,100 miles away, walked away from EVERYONE and EVERYTHING and took a chance.

To say its been a roller coaster ride isnt even strong enough. I have no idea where my head is anymore. I love him, much more than I should, but it gets me nowhere but hurt. I keep trying to break free from him, but I am not succeeding.

You can ask me anything Kasie. I have nothing to hide on this board.

Hugs......Snow

January 9, 2006
8:57 am
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kasie919
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Snow:

Thanks for telling me all,
the thing is, this is my 3rd marraige, and although they are abusive, this one has been almost 14 years..
I dont love him,im not sure i ever did.
I have friends whom i care more about than him.
I cant just walk away from my son to see if the single life is perfect..
Am i just stuck here because im so dependant on him and afraid of loosing my son?
I dont care about my house, car, material things can be replaced but not my son.
IM scaired, everyone gives all kinds of advice but im not sure what to do.
I cry all the time, he gets angry, accuses me of having an affair, because my friends are mostly male, i only email them or Im them, i never would think about any relationship until i know im ready, but i need to know why i feel so out there, why am i not getting it?
I know i have to go, i know i have to leave, but im scaired that i will be hurting even more like you..
Help me understand how to choose and not go back to what i was..
If this makes any sense at all to you..
He is at the point of stalking, my home while he is at work, my pc, all kinds of stuff, my cell phone, But im not doing anything, what im afraid of is i may, because he keeps the accusations going, isnt that stupid??
im not even looking, im just trying to keep my friends that are 750 miles from me..
can you help me?
Im so sad this is all so painfull, im not sure what im doing any more, i talk and talk but i cant get to see a rainbow..

Thanks for your time Snow, i do appreciate this..

Love Kasie

January 9, 2006
9:37 am
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snowlover
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Kasie,

I do feel for you sweetie. I know how awful it is to just not know what the right thing to do is. One thing I can tell you is, the grass is NOT always greener on the other side. I learned that the hard way.

Your marriage is abusive though, and mine wasnt. I left for personal, selfish reasons. I think anytime someone is in an abusive situation they need to get out. I know...thats easier said than done.

My therapist gave me something to think about, and maybe this would help you. Try and figure out what you are GETTING by staying in your marriage. It gets deeper than security or finances, its usually emotional. What payoff are you getting for staying with him? It took me a long time to figure out what mine was, and when I did, it was very painful to realize.

I will help you any way i can Kasie, as I know how awful this is. Keep talking to me, telling me your story, asking me questions, as much as you want.

Hugs....Snow

January 9, 2006
2:35 pm
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Snow:

I went to the therapist today, had to see the doctor, I dont know if you ave kids but as you know I have a 4 year old..

My husband seems to use this against me, he says he can take him away from me because of all this i am going through, my fear of looesing my son is whats keeping me here..

I talked to the "shrink" as they call them today, she reassured me that he cannot take my son and would do everything she could to help me.

here is the thing, ive been battling the urge to run to a shelter, to get away, my stomache is a mess, i so want to be free, as I talked to the doctor i saw more and more how free i wanted to be..
Im not a bad person, and neither are you, we chose the life we have right?

Well I have somewhere to go, but if i go there i give up everything, except what i take with me, when i go,
I no longer have a mortgage and headaches as such, but i will have a car and no money, nothing i havent even gotten a job yet.im scaired.

I have never been this frozen, im sinking into a place i dont want to be, but im not sure where i want to be, when i do what you asked and look at what is in the marraige and what i get out of it, all i see right now is immense pain..

I know i dont love him, i cant even love myself so how can i llove somebody? I care because he is my sons daddy, but all the damage is done, im solid in feelin absolutly nothing, numb, i find myself tellin him whatever he wants to hear just to shut him up, and i beleive thats wrong, why cant i find the backbone to just walk?

ive been keeping some diares, when he doenst snoop, and i can go back 4, 5 6 years and tell you how desperatly i wanted out then, whats wrong with me?
I have never realised that i am the one with the problem, am i incabable of love?

I know i love my kids, god knows i would give my right arem,leg, heart anything for my son, but how come i cant feel for any one else?

i know you dont have the answers, and im talking incircles, im so damned confused, but i dont want to walk away from my son, please help me snow, i have been trying to finally confront this for years.

I have alot of issues
I know this but it seems as if this is the biggest one, Im not trying to run from my problems, but im at a very hard and difficult spot..

thanks for listening
Kasie

January 9, 2006
2:51 pm
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snowlover
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Kasie...

from what you said, it seems like youve already made up your mind that you need to go, and the sooner the better. I hesitate telling you what to do, because youre the one that has to live with the outcome of whatever choice you make.

But..I can sense your unhappiness, your frustration, and it almost seems like real fear to me. These are big red flags sweetie.

Dont think for one moment that you are incapable of loving. Look at how you feel about your son. Look at how wonderful and supportive you are of everyone here, how you worry about how your decisions will affect everyone else EXCEPT you. In reality, i think you love everyone else much more than you love yourself honey.

Thats the hard part...isnt it? loving YOURSELF enough to do whats best for YOU. I think youre much like me, and dont really know how to do that.

But Kasie, i dont have any kids. My decisions only affect me. You have your son to think about. I think you already know what you should do, not just for your son, but for you as well. No one can tell you when or how to do that. Only you will know when the time is right.

I do think its good that you have somewhere to go if and when you choose to do that. it gives you an option, and I think right now you need an option.

Im worried about you Kasie.

Hugs....Snow

January 9, 2006
4:27 pm
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Thanks Snow:

Im not sure why i felt so compelled to reach out to you,

Cried my eyes out reading this thread, you are so right, and i do know what I have to do and no one can make me or force me or even hold my hand to do it.

thing is I feel so much like a failure, 3 marriages and i still cant get it right..
I know I wont be in any more once i get free, until i learn to love myself, that is my number one goal with the therapist..

Part of me wants sovery bad to sit and tell my husband honestly how and what i feel, but i know it will just escalte to him telling me its all me, im sick, im a looser and i dont deserve to live, which is what he says all the time..
Then like jekle and hyde he is begging me and pleading with me to give him """"ONE """" more chance, but i think this last chance i gave was it, it is killing me, and my heart truly aches..

Ive never hurt like this..

So very sad..

But thank you snow, you are so very kind, thank you for listeneing..

Kasie.

January 9, 2006
4:33 pm
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snowlover
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Kasie,

Im no expert on doing whats best for me either. Im still stuck in my own relationship mess, and every time I try to break free I go right back to him. So Im no stronger than you are in that regard.

I just sense such desperation coming from you, and I want to just reach out and hug you. You are NOT a failure Kasie. Okay, youve has 3 bad marriages, but thats just what you DID, now who you ARE. it takes 2 for a marriage to succeed or fail, so you cant take all the blame for those situations.

I think youre doing what you need to do right now. Youre examining your life, and trying to find solutions. Youre thinking things thru slowly, and I think thats wise too. I know its hard, and I feel for you. Just please dont leave yourself or your son in a situation that is dangerous for you.

Im here anytime you need to talk Kasie.......Snow

January 9, 2006
4:42 pm
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Snow, Im not gonna be in danger, i know way to well how his hand feels alongside my head..

Im gonna go I just need the will..

its so very hard when u have chldren, you always wonder what is right..

Somehow, i try to see it takes two, but i only come back to me failing, hopefully in a while i wont think like that any more and move up..

But i so hate myself right now..

thanks {{{{SNOW}}}}

love kasie

January 9, 2006
4:51 pm
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Kasie, Having 3 marriage is not a failure. Having 3 marriages is that each and every time you found love but not the right kind. Each time you went in with hope. Some people out there simply don't get a chance or take the risk. You can still have hope though, always. Im sorry your heart aches. With love, there is always a chance of heartbreak. You are so worthy of having a nice kind of love and you are right, you need to be happy with yourself above everything. You are capable of love. It is not working with this man and you recognize that. When you are tied to a person for physical needs in order to live, it is truly so hard to break away and of course you are afraid. Things always have a way of working out though especially if we face our fear. with acceptance, then come a little more peace. Above all, forgive yourself. You are an ok person, deserving of a lot.

January 12, 2006
8:15 am
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Hey snow,

Are you there, just wondering aboout you, how you are doing?

free spirit

January 12, 2006
9:06 am
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Hi free spirit,

Im here, and Im doing okay. I still dont know where he and I are at, and Ive left the "no contact" thread because we ARE in contact, and for right now, Im okay with that.

I took a risk last night. He will be moving away from here within the next year, for work reasons. The original plan was for me to move with him, and things started falling apart, and that isnt discussed anymore. Ive actually told him many times i dont want to go with him.

Well, I emailed him last night and was upfront, honest, and direct. I told him I DO want to move with him, and that i think getting away from his ex wife is what we need to work on US. I asked him to take time and think this thru, just as I have. This wasnt spur of the moment for me, and Ive discussed it with my therapist many times.

he hasnt emailed back, and I am FINE with that. I WANT him to take time and think it thru, as I have. Weve been talking some this week, and clearing some small things, and for me, I see that as a start.

Im in love with him, and I have been for 20 years. Maybe Im hanging onto something I shouldnt, but for now, for me, this is what I need to do. I just am not ready to face losing him totally. He continues to reach out to me as well, so I dont see this is all one-sided.

I was almost afraid to admit all of this here, because I know many people wont see this as healthy for me. I love him, and I need to be honest with him, with myself, and with others in my life.

Snow

January 12, 2006
10:48 am
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free spirit
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Aww Snow,

Don't be afraid - I hope I speak for others as well, but I definitely speak for myself - we will support you no matter what you decide.

You have been involved with him for a long, long time. Have the majority of years been happy? Has he been mostly faithful to you? We do not know all of the story and it doesn't necessarily matter. If you believe you can be happy with him - go for it.

I am sort-of envious although in my situation, I guess, realistically it was time to acknowledge I was not happy for a least a year. He was always cheating, and I refuse to live that way.

Our situations may be very different. Can I ask, do you believe he is genuinely Narcissistic, or just has some N traits? Your happiness might, in part, depend on this. Have you talked to your therapist about his being Narcissistic?

If I am asking too much, just tell me to mind my own business!!!

Wish only the best for you,

free spirit

January 12, 2006
11:03 am
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mj
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It is your life Snow. You get to make choices on what feels right for you. Trust yourself to live life fully without fear. The first person you need to please is yourself.

As Free Spirit said, You have support no matter what you decide. People love you not for what you can do for them but for who you are. Be True to Yourself.

January 12, 2006
11:08 am
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Free,

You arent being too nosy, not at all. Thats why Im here, to get insight and advice.

Hmm..has most of the time been happy? I dont know how to answer that. he and I were married to other people for almost 13 of those years, though we stayed in touch with one another very regularly.

When were together, yes, hes always been faithful that I know of. Now, were having problems, I moved out back in August, and since then he has been spending wayyyy too much time with his ex-wife, including sleeping with her, though he denies that.

I dont believe hes 100% N, but he is definitely Id say about 85-90%, and my therapist agrees with me based on all Ive told her. he has very low self esteem, and tends to build himself up by knocking others down, IMHO anyway.

He suffered sexual abuse and abandonment as a child, and will talk about it from time to time, with very few people, myself included. When hes being open and honest with me, we can talk about anything and trust one another 100%. but..when he gets angry and shuts down he becomes VERY cruel and withholds attention, love, sex, anything he can. Which of course makes me pursue him even more, trying to make him devote more attention to me. Its a game weve been playing with one another for many months now, and we both see it.

I dont pursue him anymore, not like I always have. he has to come to me now, and he does, though not always on the time schedule I prefer...lol. Thats my codependency shining thru. He feels i try to control his actions, which makes him shut down even more. Its a nasty cycle.

His ex wife is VERY demanding of his time, money, plays on his guilt about sharing kids, etc, and for the most part it works. He admitted the other night at dinner how unhappy he is being this close to her, and how badly he wants out of here. I already knew that, but it did feel better to hear him say it.

I dont know what the future holds for us, and thank God for Zoloft, because Im calmer now and not flying off the handle over every little thing. The more I back off and let him come to me, the more he does. The less i grill him on things, the more he tells me. Its taken me a LONG time to figure that out.

I truly believe if we were away from here things would be much better. I feel it with everything in me. I just hope that he feels the same way. if he doesnt, then it will be time for me to learn to let go.

Hugs....Snow

January 13, 2006
1:20 am
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bonita1
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kasie,

can you go back home and live with your parents for a while until you get back on your feet? It seems to me that you need a lot of love and support from your family at this time.....

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