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Why do I feel this way........Snow
January 6, 2006
6:04 am
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snowlover
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Day #3 for me of No Contact. Im not feeling so strong today, and I cant pinpoint why. Maybe its withdrawls from "him". I havent seen him in over a week, we havent talked on the phone for a week now, and the last email war was Tuesday. I cant explain this feeling. Unfortunately I think the anger Id been feeling is wearing off. I know I dont want him back, and I know this sounds crazy, but I want him to be missing me. I want there to be a void in his life where I was.

I dont waste much time wondering what hes doing, because I already know the answer to that. hes with the ex wife most of the time. But somehow, somewhere in the back of his mind, shouldnt he be missing ME?

Its hard to admit this, but I think deep down a part of me is afraid that hes going to really do what i told him to......stay out of my life and leave me alone. I want him to apologize for everything, admit to all of his lies and just be honest with me for once. I know I cant force these things from him and Im not trying to...not anymore.

Im just having a very hard time accepting how after 20 years he couldnt even miss me, miss the life we shared and maybe even feel a little bad for all that has happened. I understand hes narcissistic, and with that comes little or no empathy, but God.....NO feelings at all???? How can that be? Its just hurting soooooo much today.

Snow

January 6, 2006
6:13 am
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nvr2late
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I am right there with you!
I don't get it either....but it is getting easier for me,as time goes by.

Some people are just not committed, and that seems like a simple answer.
but I have realized (maybe the gender) that SOME men cannot own up to their feelings and they have distractions that keep them going.

I am the ex, and believe me if he is with his ex, it really is not the GREAT time that you are imagining.
If he is with her, it is because he cannot deal with someone not wanting him, he need that validation.
He will then use her for his 'supply' and then move on to another one.

it hurts, I know....
but there is something to be said about controlling only the things you can control..which are YOU.
Take care, I hope your day gets better!
as do I!

January 6, 2006
6:20 am
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snowlover
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nvr2late...i actually think she is the one using him right now, and hes just too blind to see it. Shes 7 1/2 months pregnant with a married mans baby, and she is VERY motivated by money. He makes a LOT of money, and she is very, very good at getting him to do things for her.

But still....I know its his choice to make to be with her all the time. He swears there is notning going on, but trust me, I have plenty of proof that hes lying about that.

Its just so hard to accept that he doesnt miss me. He will NEVER show his feelings anymore, and has become so emotionally abusive that its not like I was getting much good out of our relationship anymore anyway. I dont want him back i dont think, I just want him to hurt like Im hurting.

Im sorry youre going thru this too, I really mean that. Feels very helpless sometimes, doesnt it?

Snow

January 6, 2006
6:35 am
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He is hurting! Believe me...my ex came over the other day to drop off the kids, and he was acting so strong and I asked him if he was ok...he then started telling me how jealous of me he is...a new house, new guys (which is not true, but I did not correct him) and a great job...
somewhere inside they know that they SHOULD tell you these things...but they can't, it takes the power away from them.

Sounds like a really bad situation for him and his ex...her pregnant with another man's child. I am sure that makes him feel GREAT that she is using him!

He is stubborn, believe me, he will contact you...he will show a soft side to himself, and you will feel sorry for him...and then he will pull away again..

I keep seeing the same pattern!!!!
I don't know how to deal with it either, but it is NOT you!
It is him, and some people NEVER 'get it'...
Try to stay away from him, it is hard, I know it! It gets easier...life does not look so bleak for me anymore, and maybe when you are healthy, it will not look like so much fun anymore.

The abuse I went through...I look back on it now, and it is SO darn clear.
It is peaceful, although lonely now.
but it is peaceful!
I am so sorry for what you are going through! I could be on Oprah for all the crap that I have been put through....write a list, of all the bad things...keep reading it.
You will then realize, no one should treat you like that!!!!

January 6, 2006
8:22 am
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snowlover
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I had to stop myself twice yesterday from emailing him. I did a suggestion I read here somewhere, and waited an hour before I did it, and then see if I still felt the same. It worked both times thank goodness. Patience isnt exactly one of my virtues, so its hard for me to just sit back and let things happen naturally. I know thats also part of my codependence, wanting to force things to happen at the pace that I think they should.

I dont know if Im exactly lonely right now. I guess thats a good thing. I just seem to be at this place where Im romanticising our relationship and looking at the good parts of it that I miss. I really need to follow your suggestion and write a list of all of the bad things. Ive been putting off doing that for so long and Im not sure why. Maybe its a denial thing, and I just dont want to think about all of the hurt over the years. I also think a part of me is afraid to let go of him. I almost dont know who I would be anymore without him a part of my life.

I know this sounds crazy too, but its peaceful right now, and while the other day I thought that was a good thing, now its driving me crazy. Im so used to all the drama that surrounds him, that now that there isnt that drama, life seems boring or something. That seems so insane. I miss the drama??? Ive been on the roller coaster ride for so many years that getting off of the ride seems confusing to me.

Snow

January 6, 2006
8:24 am
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whidbey
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Oh Snow, pull out those threads on narcissism and the charmer/abuser and re-read them. I know the feelings you're having right now, and recognize that this is just part of the grief that you must go through. It really sucks and hurts like crazy, I know. Please, please don't let yourself go back to that insanity that he inflicts upon you. No, you won't be angry all the time; that isn't how grief works. The feelings all fluctuate like tides; they come and go. If you feel sad today, hang on as long as you can while you are at work (don't jeapordize your livelihood), then go home and just cry until you are half-blind. Just let it out. Just know that this is going to hurt for a while, a lot. But I PROMISE YOU, after some time you are going to start feeling better and better. Try to get out for a walk today at a nearby park, don't just stroll; really get out there and do some power walking. Let your body, mind, and soul have some kind of outlet for the nervous energy that I know you are feeling.

Check in here through the day, and we'll be here for you to support and encourage you. Big hugs, my sister-friend...

January 6, 2006
8:30 am
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Whidbey.....I cant cray anymore lately, and I dont know why. I havent cried in over a week, and its like there arent any tears left right now. I dont get that, I ALWAYS cry....lol. I know I wont contact him today, I do feel strong in that. I just.....miss him. And damnit I hate that I do. I shouldnt, I shouldnt miss him at all. He has been horrible to me.

I know this is all part of the process, I guess it just sucks. I think I figured once I got to the anger stage the other day it was all downhill from there. I should have known it wouldnt be that easy.

Thanks Whidbey....I know you understand sis.

Hugs....Snow

January 6, 2006
8:33 am
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snowlover
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nvr2late......how do you handle it when he tells you he misses you? How do you stop yourself from saying you miss him too, and trying to work things out with him?

if mine were to say that to me I dont know if I could stand firm, not yet anyway.

Snow

January 6, 2006
8:37 am
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CAMER
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((hi Snow)))) i know the feelings...sometimes we wish they would get out of our lives, and then when they do we miss them. Keep trying to think of all the bad things he did to you, and all the crap you had to put up with......i know that
when breaking up we tend to think of all the good, but what about the bad....and i don't want this to sound negative by thinking of the bad, but think of the reasons why you are not together, think of YOU Snow and what an amazing woman you are, think of all the good in you.

I know times are tough, but please keep posting and know we are supporting you along the way, hand in hand..............(((love camer)))

January 6, 2006
8:42 am
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snowlover
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Thanks Camer. Im trying to remind myself of all the hurtful things hes done over the years. Its not that hard to do actually. I guess its just one of those bad days that will come and go thru all of this.

Maybe I just need to get all those feelings out, and its safe to do that here. if I told my friends or family i was missing him they would jump all over me, tell me Im crazy and give me grief. if i told HIM I was missing him his ego would just swell even more. Thank God I can just be honest here and say whats in my heart and not get beat up for it.

Hugs to you Camer....thanks for listening.

Snow

January 6, 2006
8:47 am
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whidbey
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Well, when ex-N called to say he missed me (3-1/2 weeks ago), I cried. I couldn't even talk to him. I told him to call me back in 10 minutes. In that time, I was able to gather myself together, and, as Camer said, remembered the ugly things that he had said and done to me. I don't see that as being negative; I see it as being REALISTIC and having my eyes wide open to the reality of the situation. Then, when he did call back and actually asked me to come down there to see him (again...), the anger came back and I told him I wasn't going anywhere. I also realized that nothing, absolutely nothing had changed or ever would. Luckily, I knew this instinctively, because I had not been to this web site and educated myself about narcisissm. However, you DO have the knowledge, so my sister, USE it. Use it for your life, your mind, your soul. I know you are being strong. I can see it in your posts. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean we don't hurt like crazy. And don't worry about the tears. They will come, and they will go, as will the anger, the hurt, and finally, dear God, finally, the apathy will come. It will still be intermixed with hurt and a little anger at times, but it will come. There are happier and better days in your future, Snow. This is where you have to believe, even if you don't feel it.

January 6, 2006
8:58 am
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taj64
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Snowlover, I know this is so hard for you. It is ok to miss him. But Whidbey and Camer are right and say all the things I want to say to you. Above all you deserve a lot better than this. Focus more on you and less on this man who hurt you. Do all you can even if it doesn't feel right. It will take a few weeks or months before you can feel better again, but really you will. I lived through a mess too and I did it. You can too. I feel your strength. You are doing better than you think. And you are right, talking on here is better for you right now. SOmetimes those closest to us are angry at the person that treated us badly but they don't know the real pain inside. It definately is a place where you can talk about your feelings without being judged. Snow you're such a wonderful person and you have a big heart. There is plenty of room in that heart for something better.

January 6, 2006
9:07 am
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snowlover
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Thanks Taj....maybe I just dont see my own inner strength. I sit here and think how weak I must be if I still miss him. It seems like it should be so easy to hate him and move on, but its just not. Ive never been good at letting go of people in my life. I always am filled with eternal hope that there is good in everyone, and things will always work out in the end somehow. Maybe I just dont want to accept that things ARE working out in the end, its just not the ending I had always hoped it would be.

Taj...how long was it for you before you REALLy felt better, and stronger. I know its different for everyone, but hearing how long it has taken others helps me somehow.

Snow

January 6, 2006
9:30 am
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Notsure
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Feeling empty and lonely is PERFECTLY normal. So is thinking about him constantly and/or wanting to email or call him. But please don't contact him and be strong and brave which I know that you are.
Re-read the posts above and look at the words that stand out.....no feeling, emotionally abusive, hurt you.......Think that you know what is best for you no matter how hard it is. Time for you to do what is best for you. Regards. Notsure

January 6, 2006
9:34 am
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snowlover
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Thanks Notsure....I think thats part of what makes me feel uncomfortable, doing for ME. I dont do that too often. I feel so much better when I have someone else to nurture and take care of. I know by doing that it keeps me from looking at my own wants and needs, and thats not healthy, but...it still feels comfortable to me I guess.

As long as i can get thru today with no contact I should be okay for the weekend. I NEVER contact him on the weekends anymore, as hes always with the ex-wife. And as long as he doesnt contact me, maybe my Monday I'll be feeling stronger.

Thanks for your support.....Snow

January 6, 2006
1:35 pm
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Don't know what you do or where you are but............can you go and have dinner with a friend or family member? How about going for a walk or go to a movie (even if by yourself)a matinee even if required. The point is to divert thoughts and attentions away(and therefore temptations)from calling him. Truth be told he is not worth it but you already know that. Remember it is much like quitting smoking.......you know it is as unhealthy as hell so don't give in to the craving. Have a lifesaver.

January 6, 2006
4:12 pm
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snowlover
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2 more hours of my workday, then Im home for the night. I think once I get home I will be okay, as long as I can avoid doing a little drive-by to see if hes home or not. I did it last night, and his truck was at his ex-wifes house (right down the street from him) and all it did was upset me. Some nights I can just go straight home, some nights I cant seem to help myself.

Im just rambling today, not even making any sense. I just miss him so much, and hate that he doesnt even seem to notice Im not in his life. Seems unfair to me, and it hurts.

Snow

January 6, 2006
8:44 pm
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nvr2late
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Snow...
it is tough for me when he says he misses me...but it is even tougher thinking about going back to the crap that he put me through!
I miss him and if I could just see him, be with him and let him go again, I could do it....but I can't!!!
So I stay away!
It is easier than the roller coaster!
My daughter says that he lives in his own little world

how right she is....
they all know him there! 🙂

January 7, 2006
5:21 am
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snowlover
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Maybe Im upset because he ISNT saying he misses me, or even giving any indication that he cares. Crazy thinking, I know, but I swear it would make me feel better if I thought just for one moment he was suffering too. Nomally he comes us with BS reasons to call me, to try to smooth things over without directly saying that, but hes not doing that this time.

Its just a wierd spot to be in. From the outside it looks like Im moving on, but on the inside Im still totally wrapped up in him. Changing my way of thinking in the part Im really battling with. I know what I need to do, but I guess the actually "doing" of it is whats proving to be harder than I thought it would be.

Snow

January 7, 2006
5:30 am
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feline
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Snow - when my x had an affair, I moved heaven and earth to see if he still loved me. If he ever really loved me. It is just part of the process I think. Maybe you just have to know that it wasn't a total waste of time. Just my thoughts.

January 7, 2006
5:44 am
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snowlover
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feline,

You may be right. Its too hard of a thought to bear to think that you wasted all that time for a one sided relationship I guess. I know in my heart this is the right thing to do, it just doesnt make it any easier. I know time is my friend here, but boy am I NOT a patient person.

Im trying to do all i can to protect myself and my feelings, its just getting over the missing him part that Im battling with.

Snow

January 7, 2006
5:47 am
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feline
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You know I sat down and tried to balance it all out. What I missed about my x and what things were better in my life. Basically I looked at my kids not having to walk around on eggshells cos there Dad was having another bad day. I miss walking along the beach and holding hands, affection, my best friend (I thought). But my home is so much happier with out his moods.
Try to do the balancing act and see if it helps you.

January 7, 2006
5:52 am
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snowlover
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My therapist and I talked about this yesterday actually. This sounds soooo crazy, but Im actually missing all the drama that surrounds us. There is always so much turmoil, drama, excitement when were together. And now.,...its quiet, boring, mundane and holy crap is this hard to get used to. Its like I dont know what to do with myself right now. I go to work everyday, and I work a TON of hours of every week, but other than that, i feel lost without the bickering and tension. I have all this excess energy and nowhere to put it.

Im going to check out a health club next week and maybe join. I just need to find some sort of a release for all this nervous energy that i used to spend on him, and us. Maybe if I start feeling better about myself I wont miss all the drama, and will be able to accept my life as peaceful.

Funny what we can get used to in our lives.

Snow

January 7, 2006
5:56 am
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feline
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That is just the oppostite here. I hated the drama, the fights. I am relishing the quiet life. People are funny aren't they. That isn't to say that I still get a buzz out of upsetting him. I plan things in my mind, and the next time he rings, very innocently say a few words and then sit back and watch him fly off the handle. I think it just makes me appreciate my quiet life more.

January 7, 2006
6:01 am
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snowlover
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I THOUGHT I hated the fights. he eben used to say to me all the time "you just want to fight with me all the time". I thought he was crazy at the time. I dont think its that i truly liked the fighting. Its just, when we were fighting, at least we were communicating somehow.

Hes really big on witholding....love, affection, attention, sex, anything he thinks I want or need at the time, and its maddening. I saw negative attention as better than no attention at all. I know thats insane, but its what Im used to. My parents were verbally and physically abusive, so Im just used to negative attention. Its not that I actually like it, Im just comfortable with it.

I have so much to change within myself right now. I always though I needed to change him and how hard THAT would be. Changing myself is so much harder.

I hope to get to where you are, and enjoy the peaceful life. I live alone, it gets VERY quiet around here. I think I need a cat or something. A distraction, something to take care.

Snow

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