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Why do i do it
August 23, 2005
9:13 am
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white dove
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I have a great friend who will do anything to help me. someone ive always longed for.
someone who will put everything on hold to help you, someone i look up to.
why do i treat that person so bad, why do i get super sensitive and have a pop at them. why do i get jelous, why do i treat my friend so bad. when all they do is take it and still love me for who i am. i hate the way i am, i hate it. i dont wanna be this way, i try to change, i put masks on to hide how i really feel, but it still overspills in the end, i cant do this no more to them. im so numb, is it a coda thing i dont know. is this me losing it, maybe.

August 23, 2005
9:42 am
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revelation
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Hello Whitedove,

This is all a part of your codependency I feel. You do this because you are insecure.
Have you read "Codependent no more" by Melodie Beatty? Of not, please get a copy, it will answer a lot of questions for you.

Rev.

August 23, 2005
2:55 pm
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shyshy
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I think you do it because you know the other person will put up with it.

August 23, 2005
3:02 pm
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Anonymous
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do you really care for them or simply like what they do for you?

this person may be codependent and be smothering you - your feelings may not run as deep as theirs and it makes you feel guilty - but you like the attention - so you are torn on what the right thing to do is.

you need to look inside and figure out your TRUE feelings and if you don't feel anything, put some space between you two - don't LET them do things for you - sometimes that is hard - cuz the more you push a codependent person away, they harder they try to win you.

do some reading and research - I don't think YOU are codependent - because it doesn't sound like you are giving anything - except harsh treatment...but the other person might and it might be sucking the life out of you and making you bitter and resentful because you liked this person (as a person and friend) and are realizing they are not quite "right" or normal and your image of them is tarnished.

lots of things it could be - you need to put some space between you - boundaries and figure it out.

August 23, 2005
3:03 pm
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kathygy
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white dove,

if you could say anything to this person, uncensored, what would you say? Do they remind you of anyone? Can you put into words what you are feeling when you want to have a pop at them? What do you want this person to know about you? The answer lies within you. I suggest that you give these questions some serious thougjt and sees what comes out of your mouth.

love,
kathy

August 23, 2005
3:05 pm
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gingerleigh
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Codependent tendencies allow us to abuse and be abused, because of that lack of boundaries. You are frustrated with your own boundaries overextending into your friend's space, but your friend isn't establishing his boundaries either when you overstep them, hence why you might be mistreating this person but not others in your life who have more clearly defined boundaries. Just some thoughts...

I am hearing a lot of self abuse in your post, which is probably spilling over into your relationship with your friend. I think a read through the Beattie book will help you understand one theory on it. Understanding is the start... what to do to make it better? You said that putting a mask on it doesn't cure it, so something fundamental needs to change, and you are recognizing that. Read. Write. And be good to yourself.

August 23, 2005
6:07 pm
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white dove
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Maybe i try to get to much from this person, i have been aware just recently that i expect them to meet my needs, and that is something i need to change. i should just be happy with their friendship, not think they should be there 24/7 to deal with my needs and yes i am very
insecure.
yes i do have the book but not read it all yet.
Yes they do put up with me with everything, maybe they shouldnt.
I have got very coda with them i think.
i care for this person so much thats why its so much harder for me to understand why i do what i do. im not like it all the time.

Gingerleigh, your right, i beat myself up for how i am, i feel i need to punish myself.
i guess this person needs to set some bounderies, im glad you said that coz thats what i have been thinking tonight. i cant keep doing this no more.
This person has done nothing wrong for me to be like this. i need to do something before i lose this wonderful friendship.

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