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Why do I care?
February 4, 2005
7:50 am
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kc30
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September 27, 2010
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So why would I care what kind of nasty, hateful accusations my lying, cheating husband throws at me?

I know intellectually that he's a very disturbed man battling his own demons (abuse, alcoholism) and that he's just trying to deflect blame and responsibility onto me.

I know I am a good person, a kind person (aren't all of us codependants?) and that the things he says aren't true. So why is the urge so strong to play into it--to defend or explain myself?

I just want to say "Believe whatever you like" and forget it from that point forward, but it just nags away inside...

I can't change what he will do, think, feel or say, so why would I waste my energy?

Is my self-esteem that low- that the opinion of one person who has not been good to me would matter so much? Really wanna break out of this thinking. suggestions?

February 4, 2005
8:12 am
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gardengnome
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September 29, 2010
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You are so right kc30. What is it with this deflecting blame and responsiblilities onto others that makes men feel good, and makes us feel so worthless for no reason.
Its easier to blamme others rather than look at oneself and say what can I change. My therapist, who i see alone now keeps repeating that there is nothing wrong with me...I really believe there is and until I realize this my self esteem will be low.

My husband believes he's right more than 80% of the time...so when there is a conversation most of the time what i say is wrong and what he says is right....this is something that has to change.

Maybe just letting them believe whatever they like and try to focus on ourselves. I let him know that he has a right to his beliefs and I have a right to mine. The problem I find in this is it creates a wall when you really want a bridge, unless of course the realationship is ended completely, then the conflict is gone, but stuff like this will come up again, its knowing how to deal with it with the right frame of mind.
And i find emotions get in the way.
I think it's normal to take to heart what one person says whether is be nice or nasty, because we care....
But why do we care??????
We must stop caring about them and care about us.
They say detaching is not about not caring?
?????????

February 4, 2005
8:45 am
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CAMER
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don't buy into his blame gaming deals....you know he has his demons and issues with booze, and now is the time to stand up for yourself, this will help build your self esteem, and not let his actions and words get to you.

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