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why Did I do it i feel so dirty and stupid
October 10, 2005
3:39 am
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Randomwomen2
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I cant believe i did it im so disgusted with myself I hate myself for doing it. I did something realy stupid i had phone sex with a guy i met on the internet. Im so stupid for doing this i cant belive that i did it. I know my husband and i are seprated but does this classify as cheating damn how could i be so dumb

October 10, 2005
3:45 am
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Regret
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You are not dumb. You are not stupid and you are not dirty!

I am not condoning your behaviour but all I am saying is that you are human and with all that has been going on for the past couple of weeks, most people would have a failing. So you faltered and had fon sex with another guy. And so you realise it is not good for you. So you stop and you try not to do it again. No dirt, no grime, no self destruction by calling yourself bad names.

For your punishment for the three bad names, write out five good things about yourself here now!!!!!(LOL!!!!!!!)

On a serious note, RW2, remember when you said you won't call yourself bad names again? You are a strong, wise, sensitive woman who is doing her best to keep her head above water. No one said that we wouldn't falter. It is getting up, dusting up and moving on that shows our true chaacter.

Get up and keep going. The Lord is your strength!

Hugs

October 10, 2005
3:48 am
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Randomwomen2
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I am just hoping that no one besides the people on this site find out cause i feel so shamefull. I cant imagine having anyone know

October 10, 2005
4:00 am
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Neshema
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RW-

U have been thru hell lately. Learn from it, how bad it made u feel, it wasnt worth it, u didnt actually have sex with the guy, u wouldnt want him to do it to u, and never do it again. You are very sorry. Just drop it. It will only hurt him. Has he cheated on u? I think you might explore WHY you did it.

October 10, 2005
5:14 am
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worthless
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RW2

Just the fact that you realized it to be a bad idea says a lot about you. I do know how you are feeling though; I am the first one to critize myself when I make a mistake: notice my name? When I picked it that is exactly how I felt: Worthless. One day I hoped to look at that name and say "What was I thinking?"
It would be so easy for me to just say "don't be so hard on yourself", but because I know this is easier said than done, I am just going to say I'm sorry you're hurting, and I hope you feel better soon.

October 10, 2005
6:18 am
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revelation
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RW, you must stop punishing yourself for this, its really not going to do your self-esteem any use. As worthless (Who is NOT worthless at all) says, the fact that you have realised this was wrong, is enough. OK, so you done something wrong...everyone makes mistakes, you must forgive yourself for this and move on from it, get stronger from it. Please RW, you've been through a lot, don't deplete your self-esteem resources on this, I don't think its such a big mistake anyway, a minor bump in the road, thats all, try to see it that way.

xxxx
Rev.

October 10, 2005
10:57 am
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Randomwomen2
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Instead of sleeping lastnight my husband chose to go to the casino with his brother my husband didnt have any money to spend so its not like he is making us poorer but he told me that he would get up with the boys and he wasnt here its almost 8 am and he is not here. I think he is the reason well thats not the right word cause it was me that did it i take the blame but i think the lack of attition anc caring on his part made me more vernalbe to something like this. I have the headache from hell this morning. I feel like shit plus Im ketching a cold. I just feel so horible for what i did i guess i was trying to get something i wasnt getting at home. I cant but hate myself right now i'll get over it but it will take me a while. I feel like i desirve my physological beatings for being so stupid and vunurable last night. I have learned from this i just cant wait untill i dont feel so dirty it will come but not yet cause like i said i feel like i desirve to be punished

October 10, 2005
11:57 am
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faceit
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Randdomwoman,
buy yourself some flowers enjoy the beauty and know that it is a relection of you , put the shame behind you. Get back on track .

October 10, 2005
11:58 am
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faceit
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sorry about the typo's 'Reflection' Randomwoman

October 10, 2005
2:08 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Im what they call the good girl im not supposed to do stuff like this. The bad part is that a part of me that liked the danger in it and thats the part that i keep scolding if you know what i mean.

October 10, 2005
2:23 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I shouldnt have liked it. i felt like i was getting attention that i hadnt got at time for a long time well ever. And i guess i was looking for it in the wrong places.

October 10, 2005
2:47 pm
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faceit
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Randomwoman2,
Good girl, bad girl it is all part of our sexuality. High risk activities are scary but you have to just let it go , no guilt no shame it just makes things worse.

October 10, 2005
4:27 pm
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Lass
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Random,

How brave you are to share this! And how wise your friends here in their advice!

Melody Beattie says that shame, guilt, and obligation are to us as alcohol to the alcoholic. They trip us up and send us reeling. The best response to feeling this way is to do self-care. She says that self-care is our responsibility. I like it when it is put that way... seems healthy, not selfish.

And if you knew what the rest of us have done, it would likely curl your hair-- or at least it would if you knew my colorful and addictive past (heh).

Love, Lass

October 10, 2005
5:04 pm
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glittered when he walked
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RW2,

You'll get no judgment from me. So you were allured by the 'danger' of it...that's natural you know. The excitement of doing something we percieve as a little risky is titillating.

I don't think you can really be cheating on someone if you're legally separated.

Is it this cheating aspect that's bothering you, or is it because you think the act itself was dirty? or both?

October 10, 2005
6:11 pm
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Randomwomen2
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we are not leagly seprated yet i feel like we have been emotionaly devoriced for a long time. And its if you dont mind me sharing been a long time since he has done his "job"right in the bed room. He is terrible in bed I usualy have to do sertin thngs myself caue he cant do it. sorry if i shared too much i guess i would just like to know what making love is supposed to feel like.

October 10, 2005
8:57 pm
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Randomwomen2
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does that make since

October 10, 2005
11:44 pm
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human drama
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You didn't hurt anybody!
You probally did some other woman a favor! Ease up on yourself. We all have a shadow!
Glad to hear you actually took your mind to a differant place.
That away from your problems!
Even if only for a moment.
Consider it as if it were just a harmless daydream.
I'd be more worried about the phone bill racking up than I would about the act in itself!
HD

October 11, 2005
12:54 am
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Randomwomen2
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he is the one that called i cant make long distance phone calls my phone wont allow it

October 13, 2005
2:21 pm
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glittered when he walked
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hey don't be bothered about sharing. there's nothing wrong with masturbation in and of itself. I still do it. I mean geez..we treat ourselves to things like say a long hot bath, a new hair style, or other things as periodic indulgences to make ourselves feel good. Why should self-sex be any different? Now, I'm not advocating self-pleasure to the point of obsession or neglecting other things in some wanton life of pure hedonism. You've been wanting for good sex for quite some time apparently and don't we all deserve it?

what specifically is so upsetting? the possible cheating thing? or just phone sex in general? or masturbation in general? or all of the above?

October 13, 2005
9:12 pm
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Randomwomen2
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the possible cheating and the whole phone sex thing i guess it is that i let down my gard and i did something that i consider a no no

October 13, 2005
9:28 pm
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pacific queen
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Dear Randomwomaen2.
Wow I must You have a very interesting life,You are(I must say) not any of the following :dirty,disgusting,stupid,.
You are in fact what we call normal you needed some one and chose phone sex, so what you are a adult and what you do with your life is up to you, so dont feel bad about it ,and no what you did is not cheating you are seperated and you should be enjoying yourself.
Good luck.

October 13, 2005
9:29 pm
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mamabear
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I know that sometimes we do things that we know are wrong in our eyes because at the moment, we don't care, and don't want to be in control...the good one the one who never does wrong. And afterwards we feel bad. If you felt it was wrong later, take introspection to see why you felt it was wrong. We all need a break from our self imposed images of being "good" At least you did it over the phone and not in person is how I see it too. On the phone you cannot get aids. I also think like Glitter does about masturbation, but I would add that if you truly feel it is wrong then don't do it because we should be true to our very own ideas of right and wrong. I sometimes think things are wrong that others don't. I don't allow myself to do them just because everyone else thinks it's okay to. Be true to yourself, and don't beat yourself up. I like the saying of it is yours to choose to make it a stumbling block or a stepping stone.

With your sexual background of rape, there are probably issues that need dealt with just like mine, that tends to distort our reality. Give yourself some room to fall, God knows none of us are perfect.

October 14, 2005
2:00 am
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Randomwomen2
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thank you for all of your support in this strange thread. I can look back now and say well i cant belive i did that but laugh about it. I dont feel so bad about it now. Thank you all very much

October 14, 2005
12:07 pm
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I C Gold
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Rw2,
Don't be so hard on yourself, look at what you did as a lesson and something to shake your head about in years to come. EVERYBODY has done something at least once in their life that they wish could be undone.
Face the fact that you did it, at least there was no chance of getting a disease or someone walking in on you! and say, "you know, if that's the worst thing that happens to me this year,week or lifetime, I'll be fine". I've done some really "not smart" decisions since X2 and I split up a few months ago but I tell myself it's ok, we all stub our toe sometimes, just pick myself up and try again the next day. It's all you can do. Take care and be strong. We're here if you need us! 🙂
IC Gold

October 14, 2005
12:11 pm
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cpt1212
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RW2,

I think that once you stop beating yourself up you will see the positive side of this. You asked in another thread about how you know who you are, well now you another of your dislikes and can add to what is and what is not acceptable for you.

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