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why did he tell me, and why do I care
January 24, 2005
8:51 pm
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starryslp
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So, my ex tells me tonight he is naming his new little girl, who will be born in March, Gabriella. And now I am more sad than I have been in a long time. I didn't think it would effect me as much as it has. He kicked the pregnant girlfriend out ( real nice guy, hah) and doesn't really want the baby, and here I am sad that I don't have him.

Why do I keep wanting this jerk.

January 24, 2005
9:08 pm
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Zinnie
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Starry,

Please, for the love of Pete - block this ya-who's number, and stop staying in contact with him.

Quit making yourself the toy he is playing with.

Z.

January 24, 2005
9:24 pm
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starryslp
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Oh Z.... He just called me back...and now I am crying my eyes out.

Why do I keep thinking he may want me, and then he is mean to me...more so, why do I want him.

I feel so horrible, I feel like I have taken 100 steps back.

Please help me.

January 24, 2005
9:38 pm
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Anonymous
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It is a game, and a game you will never win, don't play anymore, look how hurt you are right now is this worth it?

January 24, 2005
10:41 pm
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CAMER
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Aces said it...its all a game...he wants YOU to want him back..he has no one now...don't fall into his trap..he is no good!!!

January 24, 2005
10:50 pm
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Zinnie
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Starry,

Remember I told you a few months ago... it is a game. It's like when a big barn cat finds a mouse and plays with it for hours before killing it.

This is what this man is doing to you.

You deserve SO much better than this - I'm telling you, block his number, and stay away from him. Let him spread his poison and his sperm (since we have determined they don't sell condoms in his neighborhood) - elsewhere.

You have a choice - take your life back now - you will not regret it. I promise.

Z.

January 25, 2005
7:51 am
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starryslp
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I cant comprehend how he can do this. How one person can be so mean over and over again.

He has been calling me for advice and I have been there for him, no strings or anything. Then the one day I am upset he screams at me, tells me he doesn't have time for my problems and hangs up.

And now I feel like it is my fault.

Guess, I can't do anything but move on and away.

I think he is toxic.

January 25, 2005
7:59 am
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mamacinnamon
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Starryslp,

I was married to one of those for 12 years and then put up w/ that afterwards till I decided to move on and not play his bs little game any more.

Zinnie is right at what she tells you. Please listen to her. Saves alot of heartache and headache if you would.

I'm pullin for you to move on. You'll be so much more happy if you do. If you'd just get rid of him you'd probably find a nice guy of your own.

Just my 2 cents worth.

January 25, 2005
8:32 am
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starryslp
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Everytime I start to move on, I hear from him, and I get the story of how bad his life is, and how sad he is and I feel sorry and go back.

I haven't been this low in a long time.....I totally saw the old me last night and I hated it.

Is it too late to pick up my dignity?

January 25, 2005
8:56 am
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restless
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NEVER too late to pick up your dignity starry. Do something good for you today. Even if it's just a walk outside to appreciate the beauty God has given us. You're special..too special to be treated that way. Remember that.

January 25, 2005
9:02 am
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Cactus
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Hey Starry,
Before I even opened this thread I knew it was you and I knew you had gotten yourself knee-deep in this crap again. You've got a ton of people on this site giving you great advise that you choose not to take, well I'm not going to be one of them this time you know how I feel. My reiterating my sentiments on this issue is obviously not going to make you do what you need to do hopefully someone on the site can get you to WAKE UP!!! (yes I know I yelled).

I'm going to move on to something more pleasant. When do I get the virtual tour of your new house? I'm anxious to hear about it.

-Cactus

January 25, 2005
10:59 am
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starryslp
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wow Cactus...your tough.

Thanks for the support!
Just what I needed this morning.

NOT!

January 25, 2005
11:22 am
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Cactus
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Hey Starry,
I know you'd be pissed but that's okay I've got broad shoulders and I can take it. I don't mean to rag on you but damn girl you're just frustrating the crap outta me. I understand how "women" (I don't mean this to be deragatory) have this thing about being supportive and nuturing (and I wouldn't have it any other way) and yes us men have it also (to some extent) but there comes a time when you stop looking for things and situations to fix and just let go.

This guy is nothing but trouble and you don't seem to care enough about youself or the people that care about you to get off this merry-go-round. If my frustration bothers you I'm sorry but if I didn't care I wouldn't even respond I'd just ignore you. While I would never abandon you I'm also not going to jump on the pity wagon with you either. As I told you before you're only ready when you're ready and right now it doesn't appear that you are ready to detach.

Be mad at me as long as you need to be but when you're done and you realize that I (and so many here ay this site) want nothing but the best for you then maybe you'll be my friend again. I'll be here when you need me.

-Cactus

January 25, 2005
11:27 am
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starryslp
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Why isn't it all right for me to have a pity party today....I feel like I have ruined my recovery and I am upset about that.....

I am mostly mad at myself!!!

January 25, 2005
11:31 am
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Anonymous
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Hey starry,

its tough I know, but sometimes you just have to find it within you, the strength to NOT answer him or call him, no contact, because that strength is going to help you move on. Have you gotten any outside help? Or gone to Coda meetings? The sooner you decide that you will not put up with him anymore, the good AND the bad, the faster you can move on and get on with YOUR life, and feel better about yourself. Isn't that what we want? Or to keep letting them kick us down? And feel bad about ourselves. If your feeling bad, come on here, or call a safe person to talk to, but don't call him. He hasn't been supportive before, what will change? I'm sorry your hurting,

magga

January 25, 2005
11:38 am
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Cactus
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Hey Girl,
You haven't ruined anything. In recovery we do alot of start and stops but the problem with yours is that the lines are becoming blurred. What are you ultimately trying to achieve with the continual contact? If you truly want this man then go get him. If you don't then stop fartin around and let his A** go.

Do you remember our ole friend Christine. Remember how tough she tried to be about not wanting to be with her ex when deep down inside no matter what she or anyone else said (and Christine appeared to have some strong convictions) she didn't want that relationship to be over and now last I heard they're working things out. Now was this a good move on her part, who the hell know but that's for Christine and her beau to decide. Does it make her weak because she went back there, only time will tell but I applaud her for her at least giving it one more try (counseling and all) to be sure.

So my advise to you is stop walking the fence that's where your frustration is coming for. And to answer your question yes you are allowed to have a pity party anytime you want but beating yourself up isn't going to help the situation you need to figure out which way to jump.

-Cactus

January 25, 2005
11:43 am
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restless
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Putting my nose in where it probably doesn't belong but just how do you figure out which way to jump? I'm in the same situation as starry..sort of..and I can't for the life of me figure out what I want. The only thing I ever get is hurt no matter which way I go. I'm sorry for your pain starry. I KNOW how hard it is to let go and how upsetting it is to want someone that you know isn't really there.

January 25, 2005
11:45 am
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marley
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he told you because he doesn't want you to move on with your life.

You care because you still want him in your life.

However, it seems that you know how he operates and the real question is . . . is this what you want?

January 25, 2005
12:15 pm
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starryslp
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See, my problem is I am sad with him, I am sad without him,,, so what do I do?

January 25, 2005
12:19 pm
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marley
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you have to decide which sadness is easier to live with. I remember years ago I was fighting with my ex. He had really hurt me bad and he was calling to apologize and stuff and I said to him, I can make a choice here. I can stay here with you and try to work this out and never know what I am going to get or who you are going to be or I can chose to leave and although I will be alone and without you and it will suck at least I will KNOW what I have to deal with and I can get off this crazy emotional roller coaster. So I guess you have the same choice. If you chose to be with this man, you have to be willing to accept him as-is, with no warranties and if you can't you owe it to yourself to move on and find someone you can accept.

January 25, 2005
12:24 pm
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starryslp
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Thanks Marley...I know you are right....and I know what I need to do....

Doing it is another thing. I feel like such an idiot for starting this up again...I just wish he could act as nice as he talks about being.

January 25, 2005
12:28 pm
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restless
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starry, i've just been reading and trying to learn myself from the responses you are getting. don't feel like an idiot because then i will have to feel like one, or an even bigger one i should say. i'm just so glad that this site is here so hopefully i can continue to get the support when needed until i can eventually make that leap to where i need to be.

January 25, 2005
12:28 pm
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marley
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starry -

don't beat yourself up about it. We all want to believe it is going to haooen "this time" and maybe that is the problem. If women didn't get so wrapped up in being perfect for some guy then I think we would be alot happier.

Give yourself time - it is hard.

January 25, 2005
1:15 pm
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Anonymous
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Hey starry,

I love pity parties! But they get boring too, and I never really feel better afterwards. I think they are ok, because when I start thinking these CRAZY thoughts that I am not good enough and I am lonely and I miss him and all the great great stuff I am missing out from seeing him, I check myself. I re-read my bad list of the relationship (2pgs+ and going strong). And then, I try to do something for myself that helps me feel good, something productive and positive. Because if I don't, I know where I'm going, and thats back in my hole. The hole is a huge void filled with depression, despair, no hope, suicidal thoughts, self-destruction. Its hard to force yourself to pick yourself up off that couch or from under the covers but try it. Do something tonight that makes you feel good about yourself! Even a 10min walk around your neighborhood. Its worth a shot, see if it works?

January 25, 2005
1:19 pm
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Anonymous
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P.S.

You are NOT an idiot for bringing it up. These feelings are going to keep coming back. Its how we handle them, work through them. Thats the real test. I believe with all my heart if it wasn't this problem today, there is another one tomorrow. I think the true test for self-love, value and esteem is how we deal with our problems and work through them. Not that they don't come up anymore. Its like with the sexual abuse healing I am doing. Last nov, '04, I thought ok I am over it, been in therapy and I FEEL FINE. Mission accomplished. Funny I have all those feelings again, started at the same time as last year even. But I handled it much better this time around. I'm going to believe it gets easier at least. I'll hold on to that!

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