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why cant MEN express themselves?
January 28, 2007
1:18 pm
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alwaysmagic...
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I just dont get it, why is it so easy for us (females) to be able to open up, and say what we feel, and to be honest/truthful, and men feel as though they have to keep everything bottled up.
Its so fustrating!

January 28, 2007
1:24 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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two main reason -

one, it's is proven their brains are "wired" differently.

two, the norm is to raise your son to be "macho" and not a sissy...and sissies cry and have feelings...macho MEN aren't cry babies...they are tough.

There are exceptions...but overall, with those things going on...that's the biggest reason.

BUT - I think that saying men can't express themselves IS an over generalization...I think PLENTY of men CAN express themselves...they may do it differently than women, but they do.

Perhaps you are just running with a circle of men that have some dysfunction going on?...attracting the same type, just in a different package.

Usually when we find the same kind of partner over and over, and face the same kinds of problems over and over, we have to look at ourselves and see if the problem really lies within US, ourselves...cuz we are attracting these types...and there ARE other types out there.

January 28, 2007
2:09 pm
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atalose
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rising said it best, she always does 🙂 !!!!

I know with my boyfriend, he's getting better at sharing his feelings but he also was raised to beleive that showing emotions is a week trait. He's been programmed to think that if men show emotions they are allowing themselves to be volunerable.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 28, 2007
3:06 pm
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alwaysmagic...
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All I want to know, is where are they? (the ones that CAN be honest with themselves and their relationships)
Yes, very true, I always seem to be attracted to that type. I dont know why.. I never ask for much, just to be honest, and say whats on your mind, but always get the run around. Ive come to the conclusion, that men just dont get it. We need them to be open..
Rising, you did say some very perfect words, i appreciate that. THANKS for the input!

January 29, 2007
12:00 am
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NAZZDACK
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Most women do not care what we have to say, ESPECIALLY if it deals with our unhappinest in a relationship. God forbid we voice something stating we are unhappy to Ms. Princess who never does anything wrong, only to hear a mouth that never ends basically telling us what we feel and want is wrong and that she is right. There are very few women with open minds who will listen to us and not bytch back, which is why the majority of times when you think your relationship is good only to find your boyfriend is breakup with you leaves you wondering why?

Sorry for the rough tone in this post.

January 29, 2007
12:36 am
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serenityali
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NAZDACK....

Wow, a bit of a resentment you MAY be holding on to! (smile) Just had to laugh when I read your post. I'm sure there are a lot of women out there like that. Feel bad you had to find one.

Now to men having feelings or not. I believe it's true that many boys grow up being told to repress what is viewed as a weakness. As a recovering women there are many men who have gone through counseling and recovery who feel a lot like we do and express it. I have many male friends who may even be more in touch with their feeling than I am and I have few problems in that area. It's refreshing and I am always attracted to men who are open with their thoughts and feeling. Feels are personal and no one can tell us how we feel or should feel. In my opinion of course. (smile)

Good topic...
Ali

January 29, 2007
10:01 am
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alwaysmagic...
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glad i started this topic, cause it certainley is good to hear a response from a man.Nazzdack, your intake is strong, but seriously, think about what your saying, were not ALL princesses... and did you ever think that if men were honest from the beginning, even those with that perticular title, might actually keep their mouths shut, and listen to what you have to say, in a positive way?

January 29, 2007
10:10 am
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thumkin
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I dont know why most or some men cannot open up, but, I got a kick out of someone saying we women dont have any trouble doing it. THIS woman does. I am worse than my boyfriend about being able to open up.

January 29, 2007
10:10 am
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thumkin
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I dont know why most or some men cannot open up, but, I got a kick out of someone saying we women dont have any trouble doing it. THIS woman does. I am worse than my boyfriend about being able to open up.

January 29, 2007
10:34 am
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bevdee
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It IS interesting to see perceptions colliding!!

January 29, 2007
10:43 am
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risingfromtheashes
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NAZZDACK,

Perhaps -

A) YOU are picking the wrong "princess" just like we are picking the wrong "princes". Perhaps you are picking the ones that won't listen to you, but yet, there ARE ones that will. Again, as I mentioned earlier - if you find you keep picking the same partner, only in a different package - perhaps you have to look within and find what needs "fixing" within you.

And

B) Perhaps you aren't being "heard" because your "approach" is wrong. Or wrong for the partner you are trying to share with. Perhaps it's not what you are saying, but HOW you are saying it.

Reason I say this is - I had a partner who was very abusive. And YET, he had some very helpful things to say, that helped me grow as a person. However, we had to go to therapy for him to learn how to say it so that I would "hear" him. His abusive ways, his bullying tactics, his intimidation - all prevented me from hearing him when he did have something valuable to say.

And then there was my ex-ex, who had plenty to say, just couldn't find the right way to say it to me, so he would walk away, and let the dust settle. Thing is, I was flapping my gums too fast and too loud to hear him EVEN IF he tried. So, yeah, I can see what you mean in your post.

However, thru my own recovery, therapy and looking within, I found where my own mistakes were, and now I know how to shut up and listen, how to hear what is being said, how to ask questions to try and understand more.

But this had to come from within. And now, if I had a partner who would run away instead of talking WITH me, I would dump him in a heartbeat, cuz it isn't health, helpful or productive.

Until I changed, the type of partners that gravitated towards me remained the same.

Remember, we may have dysfuctional partners over and over - we can't blame them for being dysfunctional - but we CAN hold OURSELVES responsible for picking them and allowing them to remain long after they should have gone.

January 29, 2007
6:53 pm
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NAZZDACK
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So basically risingashes proves my point. I was reluctant to even post on here expecting the old "it's not us, it's you."

Yes, on behalf of all men it's all our fault. Now you get why we shut our mouth and hold feelings in

January 29, 2007
6:58 pm
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NAZZDACK
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"nd did you ever think that if men were honest from the beginning, even those with that perticular title, might actually keep their mouths shut, and listen to what you have to say, in a positive way?"

I have no idea what you are telling me here.

January 29, 2007
7:04 pm
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NAZZDACK
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"Wow, a bit of a resentment you MAY be holding on to! (smile) Just had to laugh when I read your post. I'm sure there are a lot of women out there like that. Feel bad you had to find one."

I have no resentment lol, I just lack the ability to sugar coat messages.

January 29, 2007
9:56 pm
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truthBtold
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Bottom Line: Men have to feel safe too!!!!

Nagging about why they don't or can't does nothing to promote a safe environment.

I know.

I nagged.

Didn't work.

Now - I revert back to one of my favorite books I read in elementary school......Aesop's fables (anyone remember that one?)

If memory serves, it talked about a bet that the wind and the sun had with each other in trying to get a man to take off his coat. The wind blew and blew really hard.....and all the man did was hold his coat tighter.....the sun, on the other hand - just shined....and eventually, under his own accord, the man just naturally shunned his coat.

I have learned - that if you want your man to open up to you....you have to learn to just bite your tongue when it comes to critisizing his inability to open up - and instead......aprreciate the things that he IS doing........9 times out of 10 - this will allow the safety and acceptance for him to open up to you.

It really works.....you just have to let go of the control to MAKE him open up!!!!!

January 30, 2007
10:24 am
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risingfromtheashes
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you are hearing what you want to hear...and not what I am saying.

YES - there is something you are doing wrong. I DID say that.

However, what may be wrong is that you are picking women who WON'T listen.

There ARE women out there that DO listen. You just have to find them.

The second part of what I was saying is that if you find yourself picking the same type of women - who won't listen and hear you - perhaps something is wrong with your "picker"...you need to look at why you are attracted to those types and why they are attracted to you and why you aren't attracting the ones that do listen...or seeking those types out.

So yeah, it is "all about you"...but not in the way you are suggesting.

You can "blame" the woman for not listening...sure you can. But what does that accomplish???? All that does is divert the responsibility off yourself...divert the focus off yourself.

Can you fix women? NO. Can you fix you? YES.

By pointing the blame at others, and saying "it's all their fault" all the time, then you are essentially taking NO responsibility for your part in it.

And until you take responsibility for YOUR choices, YOUR actions, and how you relate to the women...then you will continue to end up with women who don't shut up and won't listen.

The women you seek are out there...but for some reason you aren't attracting them and you aren't picking them.

That's where you should start looking...WITHIN.

remember, when you are pointing a finger at someone else, you have four fingers pointing back at yourself.

and keep in mind - my posts have NOTHING to do with men vs women. I think that women have similar problems and are equally as faulty and quick to blame - saying "it's all men's fault". If you notice my FIRST post, I did say that men are wired differently BUT that it is an overgenearlization that all men don't communicate and that it's just a matter of finding the healthy ones that do.

In effect, I WAS saying "it's us, not you"...so please go back and read that again.

January 30, 2007
9:43 pm
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NAZZDACK
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This thread is not titled "why can't men express themselves." Maybe you should have omitted your first response and went straight to "becuase they choose women who do not listen to them?"

The question was asked, I answered. As far as the accountability statement, that all sounds nice and good if I was the person creating a thread complaining about this issue. I'm responding to a woman who is asking a question.
I do not need a solution, did not ask for one, and the great news is I have a way for handling these issues which was presented in my statement.
Now, if you gals want to learn what the other half feels, then great, if not, then ignore what I have to say and continue asking the same questions being lead by the blind.

January 30, 2007
9:44 pm
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NAZZDACK
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CORRECTED POST!
This thread is titled "why can't men express themselves." Maybe you should have omitted your first response and went straight to "becuase they choose women who do not listen to them?"

The question was asked, I answered. As far as the accountability statement, that all sounds nice and good if I was the person creating a thread complaining about this issue. I'm responding to a woman who is asking a question. I do not need a solution, did not ask for one, and the great news is I have a way for handling these issues which was presented in my statement. Now, if you gals want to learn what the other half feels, then great, if not, then ignore what I have to say and continue asking the same questions being lead by the blind.

February 6, 2007
3:26 pm
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Anam Cara
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Am I confused or am I confused!

February 6, 2007
3:38 pm
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mumubaby89
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Everyone is similar...women and men go thro similar situations....

February 6, 2007
3:40 pm
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caraway
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NAZZ,

Please don't speak on my behalf. I am a man, I think that you referred to us as the "other half"?

Sounds like to me you are just attempting to get some attention and offend the women here with your "gals" comment.

Please go find someone else to pick a fight with!

Cary

February 6, 2007
3:45 pm
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southgoingzax
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I agree with caraway - by emphasizing the "us" versus "them" dichotomy of male/female, you seem to be trying to instigate an argument. Perhaps there is a better forum for the type of discussion you seem to want to have.

zax

February 6, 2007
4:44 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Possible Answers:

1)Men are socialized into gender-specific patterns of behavior based on specific models of ideal "masculinity" which discourage acknowledgment of, much less expression of certain emotional states.

2) Men are from Mars.

3) We know that we will be punished no matter what we say.

4) Coz, ahm jusst stoooopid!

February 6, 2007
5:52 pm
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NAZZDACK
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"I am a man"

So do you plan on contributing to this thread at all?

February 6, 2007
5:59 pm
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Matteo
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He just did.

Thank you, Cary for your post.

I am a woman and don't appreciate being talked down to as one of those "you gals" who need to be enlighten in their blindness by a man about that they should listen to the men they chose.

I always thought that communication is a two-way street and still believe it.

Anam Cara ~ lol!

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