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why can't I stop worrying about him?
May 23, 2007
3:17 am
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lovemedo
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Those who have read previous posts know my situation. That I am in NC from a bi-polar, probably BPD man who I have been in a relationship with for the last 6 years. The thing is, I can't stop worrying about how he is. He is ill. He can't help being the way he is. Doesn't he need love and understanding? But at what cost to me? I have now withdrawn, although it's at his instigation.....he's in the "I hate you phase" of the BPD profile. But I can't stop obsessing. How is he? Is he coping with everyday problems? Who is supporting him now? Does he really hate me. Does he really think I made no contribution to his life. The fact that I'm on my own now with many problems to deal with ON MY OWN somehow seem secondary to my concern about him. Last night I passed his car at the gym and was hugely relieved that he is OK enough to work out. If I could have one last conversation with him before I try to move on by myself it would be to tell him that he fits exactly the BPD profile. Get him to read it. Get him to understand what has caused all this misery. Get him to seek help. Change his meds. But I know it is hopeless because in his eyes it is all MY FAULT. So the bottom line is....how do I stop caring about the love of my life and how can I ever be happy knowing that he is in the world and dealing with the way he is on his own? HELP!

May 23, 2007
9:29 am
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nappy
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You ask the question?
how do I stop caring about the love of my life and how can I ever be happy knowing that he is in the world and dealing with the way he is on his own?

You saw him at the gym didn't you.

He haven't stop doing what he wanted and he is dealing with himself very well. But it is you that is not dealing with your own self.
That man is his own person. He is going to do what he wants whether or not he is in a relationship with you or not. You can't not get him to understand his misery, he will figure it out on his own.
But you need to figure out your own misery and why you is still wanting to be with a man that you say HATE you.
There are two many questions here that you wrote that the answers is right there.

How do you stop caring about the love of your life?
Just like he did you.
If you are spending to much time worrying about a person that truly don't care about you anymore, then sweetheart it is time to let go.
If you are going to be upset, be upset with the fact that you are wasting to much time over someone that god is trying to get out of your life so that you can start to live again and be the person that you were before you met this man.
I bet if you can think back on it, you were truly happy before you met him. He didn't have to add anything in your life for you to be happy. You were happy with yourself.
Why would you want to be with someone that is not making you happy. Why be with someone that everyday that you are with them, you are sad.
Whatever is this BPD that this person has for an excuse to be the way he is, then he needs professional help.
You do not need to get one last conversation with him to tell him that he is BPD or whatever that is. You need to tell yourself that it is over, I deserve better in my life, and I will get it, so that you can move on with your life.
If this man can honestly look you in your eyes and treat you very poorly, then it is time to let go.
Nappy!

May 23, 2007
1:18 pm
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StronginHim77
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lovemedo -

Not sure if you remember my story. In 25 words or less, I dated a man with BPD for 16 months (we were engaged to be married, the final 4 months). I spent 15 of the worst months of my life with that man. (He was charming the first month, busy getting me "hooked," so he could drop the mask and show me the real him, underneath.)

Life with a BPD is hell. No other words for it. The closer you get to a BPD, the more they torment you, verbally and emotionally. They will rage at you, accuse you of things you have not thought or done, blame you for everything that goes wrong, humiliate you in public (if that hasn't happened, just be patient...it WILL), scream at you, tell you they never want to see you again, tell you they were the best thing that ever happened to you, but "YOU BLEW IT," tell you they love you and plead with you never to leave them, promise they will never leave you, then rage and tell you they never want to see you again....and on...and on...and on...

If you stick it out and keep begging him to take you back, (I did this for 15 months, even though I was blameless), he will escalate the abuse. Forgiving them translates into "she will take it, so I can increase the fury and the punishment" in their twisted minds. Remember, this is a personality disorder which means MENTAL ILLNESS.

BPD's do not get cured. They rarely make much progress in recovery. As a classic codependent, I dragged my BPD to a psychologist for therapy. (Note: they always wind up denouncing the therapist and storming out in a rage.) I dragged him to a therapist. Same scenario. I dragged him to a psychiatrist for medication. I dragged him to a minister for counseling and prayer. I continued this pathetic, codependent campaign to "fix" him (and thus, salvage our "relationship") for 15 months.

My friends withdrew from me. They all got tired of hearing about his latest cruel mistreatment of me because I always went back to him for more. My own personal growth, education and interests went on a back burner. I was too caught up in the chaos of trying to work things out with him. (This is called, "reasoning with the unreasonable.") My own sons were deeply put off by my obsession with this destructive, hideous man. They lost a great deal of respect for me. (Note: they are full grown...not minor chidren.)

My health began to deteriorate. I was always in a constant state of turmoil and inner anxiety, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. He never did treat me as well as the first few weeks when he was trying to "hook" me. This is called "devaluation" by the way. And we, codependents, work harder and harder to frantically try and recover what we lost. When we met them, they made us feel like the most beautiful, intellligent, admirable, sexy, desirable woman in the world. When I left him, I felt utterly value-less and destroyed.

It took two trips to the Emergency Room with skyrocketing blood pressure, three months of debilitating panic attacks, LIVING on valium for MONTHS and mixing it with alcohol at night, just to be able to sleep, before I bottomed out.

Finally, he dumped me (in -- yet another -- rate) and I said, "No more." It was so hard. I had become addicted to the drama, addicted to the chaos. And I was terrified of living without a man in the center of my life.

Now, over a year has passed. I can't believe I tolerated even ONE DAY of his abuse. The thought of him repulses me. I am recovering. I will never go back to the nightmare of trying to relate to a BPD.

You are going to have to break the addiction to his toxic behavior...to that "push/pull" (I love you; I hate you) cycle of BPD behavior. You are the only one who can decide you have had enough and initiate "No Contact." Change your phone numbers. Block him from your email. Stay away from the places he frequents. (BPD's go out alot at night because they panic when they are alone. They FEAR being alone.)

I hope you find the courage to make the break soon, before your health is compromised, as mine was...before you lose your friends and the respect of your own family, as I did. I will be praying for you.

- Ma Strong

May 23, 2007
1:37 pm
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AQueen
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Control control control. That was so hard for me to grasp when I first starting learning about codependency. Me controlling? How? I thought he was controlling me and yes he was to a certain extent as he was a a very controlling and abusive man. But I was controlling too. I wanted him to seek help, get counseling and get on the right meds. I wanted him to UNDERSTAND what his disorder was and to really get it! I wanted him to live his life a certain way. I wanted him to make me happy. I wanted I wanted I wanted. See a theme here? I see the same thing in your post. Let it go, just take a deep breath and let it all go. It's really out of your hands and out of your control what he does or doesn't do with his life. Codependents tend to focus on other people so they don't have to focus on their own issues and problems. It's easier to worry about someone else than to take a good look at ourselves. Dealing with our problems and issues doens't have to be scary though. It really doesn't. It can be empowering. We can feel free from worrying, stressing, thinking, obsessing about other people and live life as it comes. Let it go and let god. I'm not a religious person but that saying let go and let god really makes sense. We don't control the universe, let god take over for us because we cannot do it all. We cannot suffer from constant worry and obsession daily without losing it. God has a plan for him and God has a plan for you just as he has a plan for me.

A good first step in the right direction would be to either seek counseling or if you are in counseling maybe seek a new counselor that can really help you overcome your codependency. Counseling and various support groups have really helped me. I feel it's important to work on why we are attracted to unhealthy people or stayed with unhealthy people once we discovered their true selves. The healing has to come from within. I will not date until I have really worked on all my issues so I can date a healthy man that truely loves me one day. I want to work on my self esteem, codependency, people pleasing, poor self image, shyness, and a variety of other issues. Bring the focus back on yourself. You can only change yourself. Codependency is so common wiht loved ones of alcoholics, addicts, and people with chronic illness. We get sucked in and spit out. If you haven't read Codependent No More and really absorbed it then read it again. Another good one is Emotional Vampires. Another good one is Why does he do that-Inside the Minds Of Angry and Controlling Men. All of them are available on Amazon real cheap if you purchase them used. Sometimes it's hard to stop obsessing but focus on small amounts of time like for one hour I will not think of him or his issues and keep yourself busy for that hour. If you have to do it by the minute then do it. It's like an addiction but your fix is a human being--this guy. I've been addicted to various substances and sometimes you really have to take it one hour at a time. We do recover but it takes effort. Good luck.
AQueen
Sorry for any typos!

May 23, 2007
2:12 pm
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atalose
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I have to agree with AQueen your post sounds very controlling. It’s what you want him to do and want him to realize and meds you think he needs all in order so that you can have a relationship with him and be happy. Part of that doesn’t sound like that’s what he wants. You said it was him that instigated the break up and stated he hated you.

You stated: But I can't stop obsessing. How is he? Is he coping with everyday problems? Who is supporting him now?

It would appear he is supporting himself and coping pretty well if he was at the gym.

You Stated: Does he really hate me. Does he really think I made no contribution to his life?

These statements are about you and your codependency.

You Stated: The fact that I'm on my own now with many problems to deal with ON MY OWN somehow seem secondary to my concern about him.

Is your worrying about him a way for you not to deal with your own problems?

You can’t cure him if he does have a diagnosed condition and you didn’t cause it and you can’t change him into what you want him to be. You are not responsible for this man or his life just because you love him doesn’t mean you are responsible. He’s a grown man who is responsible for himself. Maybe its that fact that you are no longer taking on the responsibility of caring for him and knowing what he is doing on a daily basis that has you so frustrated and obsessing about him so much. I’m not trying to sound mean but this is not about him, it’s about you. You need to begin to care about you about your daily life and about supporting you and dealing with your problems and stop focusing on the problems you think he has.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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