Because you continue to put man before your creator in your life. I am going through this same drama. And not for the first time, but, this time around, I have opened the door for deep, knowledge seeking spirituality. I am reading the wonderful book, The Purpose Driven Life. With daily chapters to keep you grounded and reminded, there is more to the purpose of your life than wasting it with this man. I almost initiated it too, then I pictured it. After we got out of bed, maybe had breakfast, by noon he will have a drink in his hand and my stomach would turn at that very thought. He may never change, but I certainly have. I know, for certain, that I will not look back. I have put a padlock on that door to inviting him in my life, and I threw away the key. With three kids in towe, I do not care. I have absolute faith, that my saviour will make a way for me. Even when I cannot see it. I believe it everyday. The only way to leave is to acquire such faith. Just try it.