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Why can't I just leave?
October 23, 2001
5:43 pm
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LydiaL
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I am new here, but in dire need of some help.

I dated this guy for 3 years and married him. we have been married for a year and a half now. I was really excited about it. Starting a new life with the one I love. Well, when we got back from the honeymoon things started to change. I had been opening the mail and his credit card bill was included in that. When I opened it I saw that it was maxed out. I looked to see what he had bought and there were some weird charges on there. I asked him about it and he said he didn't know, but that he would check on it. Come to find out, they were 900 sex hotline calls. He lied and told me someone must have stolen his CC number and charged them. After about a month of the charades I finally confirmed that they were his. It turned out to be over $3000 worth. One of the calls was even the day before our wedding.

After that things just got worse. I started finding girls'phone numbers he had deliberately hidden. I caught him getting on internet porno sites, I found girls' email addresses. He was lying about all of it. Even though I had proof. It would take him several days before he finally fessed up.

For a solid year I would find out something new every month. He is a complusive liar. I have just in the past few months realized how verbally abusive he is to me. When we have an argument, it isn't just a small tiff. It ALWAYS ends up into a huge blow up, and it always ends up my fault.

I now blame myself for it. On one hand I know that he made the decision to do those things but on the other I feel I am to blame. I guess after hearing, "I wouldn't have called those numbers if you had given me sex more often," or, "I wouldn't have flirted with those girls and gotten their phone number if you hadn't been such a b*t*c," you start to believe it.

My problem now is I don't trust him. He has a huge problem with that. Things have only gotten progressivly worse in the past year and a half. I don't know where to turn. I am so bitter, depressed, angry, hurt. I am resentful at all that he has done to me and how I have let him run all over me. And how he has done those things KNOWING we were getting married and KNOWING they would hurt me. But he thought he could get away with them. He didn't think I would find out about the 900 calls, or find the girls phone numbers he hid, or the internet stuff or the email address and porno website address he wrote down and hid in the top of the closet. I know that after doing all of that for the three years that we dated and were engaged he can't just stop all of a sudden. What happens when he has a pretty girl flirt with him and offer him her phone number. Do you really thing he will turn it away? NO! I feel in my heart that I will never be happy again and that I will never trust him fully again. I just can't forget what he did. And I know in the back of my mind that one day he will REALLY cheat on me. Especially the way things are now. We barely have sex. I don't want to. I just do it to shut him up and leave me alone. I am not physically attracted to him anymore. I don't even like to kiss him. When he tries to kiss me it makes me just want to shove him away. His reasoning before for doing what he did was that I wasn't having sex with him and he had to do something. So, what is going to stop him next time? I want to end the marriage, but I just cannot bring myself to do it. Why? Why can't I just do it?

October 23, 2001
6:02 pm
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Ladeska
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No clue why you can't do it. I would, so fast it would make his head spin around like Linda Blair.

Um....one thing you need to get through your head - right now and never forget it is that - Charmers and Liars are good at what they do. All of us fall prey to their wiles at some time or another. That is not your fault. You live...and you learn. What is your fault is when - you don't learn and you don't correct your path, which where you find yourself precariously perched now.

He misled you into a marriage that isn't a marriage. Just like any other contractual agreement, he majorly misrepresented himself to you and was a fraud. It's a crime and you should consider it - just that.

So, if you can't leave him - I don't know what to say to you except - throw yourself around the bathroom like Jim Carey did in Liar, Liar and beat the hell out of yourself until you come to your senses. Whatever it takes. Nothing but torment in the ring with him, so get the hell out of it.

No time to be studying your navel. It ain't going anywhere. Still the same little button it's always been, right in the middle of your belly. Snap out of it and start making tracks - like yesterday. You can figure out your compulsion to linger - later.

Go see a lawyer and start proceedings. This guy is very bad news. He's scapegoating all his crap onto you. Normal for a pathological liar. They won't look at themselves, no matter what. It's not your fault, it's not about you in any way. You just happened to believe his good deception and believe me - I understand all that.

But, the time has come for you to take the bull by the horns now and plow through on your own behalf. Don't bother trying to discuss crap with him unless you have to and even then - you need to keep control of things. Control freaks and pathological liars are good at what they do, but that doesn't mean that they are invinceable and neither does it mean you have to lay down for them either.

Grow balls, girlfriend and use them. Time to take action and stop running around in circles chasing your tail. It won't get better, so be about it.

October 24, 2001
2:29 pm
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Molly
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Please before you have kids,leave leave leave and I sure hope you were smart enough to protect at least your credit. Take a picture of the sprial you have been on, glance at it again, and just where do you think its going to go????????????????????
The longer you stay the harder it is, then you tell your self, well I put up with this and that, so I am gonna leave over this, and just what if he brings home more than a phone number, sexual activities are just to scarey these days, hell its hard enough to trust, with out the obvious evidence.
When your in the environment your in, its just damn out impossible to think clear. Take a week vacation, go do for you, go see some friends, get out of that safe rut your in, see a counselor, but in the same old environment, the confusion will continue. it may have been him at the start of things, but its you , hear me you that allows it to continue, so before he starts treatment, and prolongs the time, fools you with the puddle he jumps over, when he needs to cross the river, which I doubt he ever will make it with out your rescue, check out for a while, look at it from the out side.

October 30, 2001
9:07 pm
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jadadavinci
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LydiaL,

Please don't blame yourself.
i was also in a relationship of 3 years that turned out the same way, an abusers are so good at that blame turn around game. I also always believed it was my fault, even though somehow in my heart I knew it wasn't.
i can't write long now, but I would love to come back and see how you are doing. The people in these threads are so kind and friendly. We would all love to listen and help you. Take care of yourself. Will check on you soon.

Dee

October 30, 2001
11:41 pm
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Maribelle
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I'll tell you why you can't just leave.. And this might not be exact but I'm sure you can relate. You love him and THINK he will change.. I mean you married this guy, so you obviously loved him enough to believe he was a good, true honest person. So Us women With our good hearts, Would like to believe this is a problem he has and he will get over it. That We did something wrong to make him act this way and If we just give him another chance he will change his ways.

I say this because I can relate. I was with a man for a year whom i loved and wanted to marry. I moved in with him, I was so in love with him that even when he started acting strange and distant i looked over it. But here's the thing.. I found out a week after living with him he had been cheating.

IT wasn't hard for me to find out! As you mentioned he did NOT hide it well! He let me check messages for him on his cell phone all the time, which is where i heard messages from this other girl! he then denied being with her and even gave me her number! so i called her and she admitted the whole thing, and he admitted it was because he was burnt out of our relationship!. I would find pics of other girls on his computer saved. Another girl called while i was living there! And like you I saw a phone bill of calls to places that i knew were not just business or friends.

I was so mad at him, But after 2 weeks he appolagized and came crying back and I gave him another chance! I took him back because I started thinking it was my fault for giving him such a hard time always. maybe I didn't let him know i loved him enough. Well let me tell you....

People might change in some ways.. but guys like this THEY NEVER CHANGE!!!! After all of this I lost my trust for him. But he only went back to his old ways. I treated him GREAt for someone who's been betrayed and hurt. And he still treated me like crap. He only blamed me for more of it this time! Everything he'd do to upset me would be MY fault. And I have the worse self esteem now because of it. Not only does a guy like this make you feel worthless but You spend so much time feeling bad and scared all the time, you don't realize HE is at fault here and NOT you!

But listen to this.. I moved back home and I Now have this huge distance between me and him.. and since then I see things so clearly!

HE did what he did to me KNOWINGLY. Just like your Husband did. he KNEW these things would hurt you! He knew it and if he did it then- HE WILL DO IT AGAIN. And I don't want to Accuse him of anything but if he hasn't cheated by now.. He probably will.

See he doesn't find anything wrong with it. So why would he need to stop? And if he says he'll change it's most likely because you've driven him to say it by threatening to leave.

It may be acceptable for someone single but Married of in a long term relatiomship? NOOO! open your eyes and take a good look at him. If you even have one doubt in your mind that you can trust him. YOU CANT TRUST HIM!

My tip for you is, get away for a week or so and take some time to think about your marriage with him. If you're so worried that you can't leave him alone for a week, You definitely need to get out of the marriage. Just be glad you found out about his Lies and phone bills before you find out something worse.

It's hard to leave, And i know it.. but it's harder to live your life with someone you can't even trust.

October 30, 2001
11:42 pm
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Maribelle
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September 30, 2010
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I'll tell you why you can't just leave.. And this might not be exact but I'm sure you can relate. You love him and THINK he will change.. I mean you married this guy, so you obviously loved him enough to believe he was a good, true honest person. So Us women With our good hearts, Would like to believe this is a problem he has and he will get over it. That We did something wrong to make him act this way and If we just give him another chance he will change his ways.

I say this because I can relate. I was with a man for a year whom i loved and wanted to marry. I moved in with him, I was so in love with him that even when he started acting strange and distant i looked over it. But here's the thing.. I found out a week after living with him he had been cheating.

IT wasn't hard for me to find out! As you mentioned he did NOT hide it well! He let me check messages for him on his cell phone all the time, which is where i heard messages from this other girl! he then denied being with her and even gave me her number! so i called her and she admitted the whole thing, and he admitted it was because he was burnt out of our relationship!. I would find pics of other girls on his computer saved. Another girl called while i was living there! And like you I saw a phone bill of calls to places that i knew were not just business or friends.

I was so mad at him, But after 2 weeks he appolagized and came crying back and I gave him another chance! I took him back because I started thinking it was my fault for giving him such a hard time always. maybe I didn't let him know i loved him enough. Well let me tell you....

People might change in some ways.. but guys like this THEY NEVER CHANGE!!!! After all of this I lost my trust for him. But he only went back to his old ways. I treated him GREAt for someone who's been betrayed and hurt. And he still treated me like crap. He only blamed me for more of it this time! Everything he'd do to upset me would be MY fault. And I have the worse self esteem now because of it. Not only does a guy like this make you feel worthless but You spend so much time feeling bad and scared all the time, you don't realize HE is at fault here and NOT you!

But listen to this.. I moved back home and I Now have this huge distance between me and him.. and since then I see things so clearly!

HE did what he did to me KNOWINGLY. Just like your Husband did. he KNEW these things would hurt you! He knew it and if he did it then- HE WILL DO IT AGAIN. And I don't want to Accuse him of anything but if he hasn't cheated by now.. He probably will.

See he doesn't find anything wrong with it. So why would he need to stop? And if he says he'll change it's most likely because you've driven him to say it by threatening to leave.

It may be acceptable for someone single but Married of in a long term relatiomship? NOOO! open your eyes and take a good look at him. If you even have one doubt in your mind that you cant trust him. YOU CANT TRUST HIM!

My tip for you is, get away for a week or so and take some time to think about your marriage with him. If you're so worried that you can't leave him alone for a week, You definitely need to get out of the marriage. Just be glad you found out about his Lies and phone bills before you find out something worse.

It's hard to leave, And i know it.. but it's harder to live your life with someone you can't even trust.

October 30, 2001
11:42 pm
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Maribelle
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Sorry! Didn't mean to post that twice!!!

October 31, 2001
10:25 pm
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sussie
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September 24, 2010
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Just leave, you don't need it. I was in a similiar situation. Trying to work out lies, credit card connections to the internet, flirting with other women and showing guilt when I was around them as well. He was running me down to people and his mother I couldn't workout why she hated me so much. Turned my boss against me so I lossed my job and then on Monday the Mental Health Counsellor was knocking at my door asking if things where ok. He showed me the letter where he had contacted them it had my husbands name on it, twisting things around to make me look bad when all the time it's been him. Consequently he tells them he left me but I suppose he did after I kicked him out. This was 2 months of marriage now I've realised he's a controll freak.
Just dissassociate yourself from him have no contact he's not worth the heartache of trying to give trust to and rely on as a husband. In a couple of weeks you will start to get your confidience back and realise you have done the right thing.

November 2, 2001
1:41 pm
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pilarita
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Forget him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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