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Why can't I break free from him?
January 21, 2008
11:40 pm
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southgoingzax
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9:40. I am now realizing that he doesn't intend to call me tonight. So I will either have to face him tomorrow evening in class or not go. I guess I am opting to not go right now. we'll see how I feel tomorrow.

January 21, 2008
11:43 pm
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southgoingzax
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If he said everything was fine and he'd call me tomorrow, and he doesn't....what else did he say he would do that he isn't?

I hate this.

January 21, 2008
11:47 pm
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southgoingzax
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Here's the thing - I don't want to mentally prepare myself that we are through, because he has always come around and we have always gotten back together after one of his blow-ups. If I go though the whole process now, it would be a waste of effort, and just rattle up my emotions for nothing. But I guess there always is the chance that this IS it, and then what?

Did I mention how much I hate this?

January 21, 2008
11:51 pm
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southgoingzax
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Please, please don't let me call him, don't let my mind wander and imagine he is out with this mystery woman just to spite me....oh god, oh god...The only thing I have is my dignity, if i call him I might as well give up and grovel....Please do not let me call him.

January 21, 2008
11:57 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Southgoingzax !!!!!!!! Get hold of yourself !! You are not going to call him ! horsefly

January 21, 2008
11:59 pm
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southgoingzax
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9:57. I really thought he'd call. I wont call him. But I'm really let down.

I know this is nothing, this is stupid, this guy is shit and I should just get over it. I wish I could.

January 22, 2008
12:00 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Don't go there........or wherever you think he is.........take a hot bath or hot tea or hot anything.....but don't make yourself anymore miserable about dreaming shit up. I use to do that and he usually was sound asleep or watching tv............tommrrow is another day and things always look better in the morning. ((((south))))

January 22, 2008
12:03 am
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southgoingzax
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hi horsefly,

I wont call him. I really want him to call, but I wont call. I just...got through the day thinking he would call. Now the day is over and he didn't call and now I really don't know what will happen. I just feel so blind-sided, so devastated that this all came about because I had the nerve to question him. It was all so sudden. Things were going so well. And now it is all shit.

January 22, 2008
12:04 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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This is why we know it is an addiction........i know how you feel , I really do. you have said word for word what I have said before........you know it will blow over sooner or later . I use to say of course it will because I am the only person that would put up with him .

January 22, 2008
12:05 am
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sdesigns
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Stay strong, zax!

Remember, you are not the one pulling the ridiculous shenanigans, he is. You are not the one telling the tall tales, you are not the one blaming him.

Stand tall and strong, and put that stupid phone down :), don't even think about emailing him. If anything he should be on your doorstep with a gazillion red roses begging your forgivenesss, and showing you the receipt for his recent lobotomy-

sd

January 22, 2008
12:06 am
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southgoingzax
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thanks horsefly,

you're right, he's probably just being a spiteful bastard and he's probably asleep right now. I wont go anywhere, I wont do anything stupid. Although I have spent about an hour trying to break in to his email account. I don't know his password, so it's pretty harmless. He just has such a limited imagination I thought I could guess it. Just for fun.

Tomorrow is another day, and I will get through it - I have to drive the 70 miles (one way) into work tomorrow, so at least I will have to be busy, not just pretending to be busy at home.

January 22, 2008
12:12 am
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southgoingzax
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hi sd!

I haven't actually picked up the phone, I just started to panic and really, really thought about it. I know this isn't my fault, but I did fall for his set-up, and I did seriously find his behavior suspicious, and did question him, but all I accused him of was not being honest with me, WHICH HE WASN'T.

So I didn't do anything wrong.

Right?

I wont email him. I am contemplating blocking him, actually.

See, the one thing he has taught me is that it gets me nowhere to try to contact him. It doesn't help and usually makes me feel worse, because THEN I have the added hurt of knowing he can see who calls and not answering when it is me. So, at least I've got that going for me.

Did you know that the trans-orbital lobotomy was performed with ice-picks through the orbits of the eyes? Fun fun fun.

January 22, 2008
12:16 am
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southgoingzax
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Funny, I used to think he would do that some day, not the lobotomy, but show up with flowers and ask for forgiveness.

He hasn't yet.

I'd say him showing up on my doorstep with roses is about as likely as monkeys flying out of my butt.

After inserting the ice-picks, they just wiggled them around, willy-nilly, severing brain tissue and nerves as if it were no big deal. Turned the frontal lobe to mush, a lot of the time.

January 22, 2008
12:22 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Southgoingzax, I cannot believe I am witness to somebody that knows how to play the same game . I use to know every angle of how he would respond or not respond. I knew how far to go and when to hold back. It was like a mental gym workout with him..........But I loved being with him but when it was bad it was way way bad........and usually extremely unfair to me. I knew the things he would never do too.......admit he was ever wrong was one of them.......I hope you get some rest tonight .....sounds like you have a big day ahead of you..........HF

January 22, 2008
12:24 am
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southgoingzax
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horsefly,

addiction? You bet. This is INSANE. How much I am hurting is ridiculous. Borderline hysterical. As in, it is so painful it is almost past the point of reality and entering the theatre of the absurd. Oops, I did the British spelling. I don't even think, if I had a right mind, I am anywhere near it. I am so dried up I have no tears, I haven't really eaten much today, things seem out of focus and weird. I have to remind myself that no one can see what I am going through on the outside - they aren't looking at me funny, or seeing my anguish at all, so as long as I say the right things, no one will ever know.

I spent $160 at Petsmart today. I bought my fish 12 live plants and a heater (they're just goldfish and they don't really need a heater, only I can't seem to keep my downstairs anywhere near warm, so their water temp is too cold for live plants. It felt good to just buy whatever I needed/wanted. It's good I didn't go into their adoption area. But too bad I didn't go to the grocery store.

I think I might have that tea, horsefly.

I may sound like I am rambling, but I desperately need to get away from dwelling on this pain.

January 22, 2008
12:37 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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That is a good idea.......your deal sounds so much like my deal that I think I am just amazed. Maybe I needed arefresher course of how much pain I when through when we were having a out.........I would always lose weight ...instant diet. But it was a gut wrenching pain as well. I thought , well I know I was insane when I would go thru it. Detoxing from them is hard too......not sure if I could have if I had not moved back to my hometown away from him. If I had been in the same town as him I never could have, I had told friends that years before I will never make a break unless I leave town ....which I did and it has been a little over a year now. But I still have it in me to do it again....but I keep trying to move on......that is why I understand you my friend. horsefly

January 22, 2008
12:38 am
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southgoingzax
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See, I have a dog and two cats and three fish - a lot of pets for a single person. Who rents. When I had my own house, it wasn't a problem, but now, it's tough to find places that will rent to someone with three pets. My dog is 50 pounds, not big but not small. My two cats get the short end of the stick a lot, as the dog demands a lot of attention. One of my cats is a total whore, she needs to be touched and loved and jiggled around - it's tough because the dog gets jealous...

horsefly,

About the mental games....usually I do not have to play them, or am not aware of them. This isn't an everyday occurrence. But when it does happen, he is SO predictable....so I know there are subjects I cannot talk about. My feelings, especially where they involve him or some hurt he has caused, that's really the main one. The only one. As long as I never tell him he treated me badly, acted unfairly, or responded inappropriately, he's fine. I can't believe i forgot that rule last night. I totally forgot. Huh.

Anyway, here's the deal: I get X number of days of silence. This could be anywhere from two days to three weeks, depending on how badly he thinks I fucked up. Then I'll get a phone call, where he will pretend everything is fine. He may bring up that we should talk, but then never assign a date or time. He'll ask to see me, only I will not be invited to his home, he will meet me for drinks somewhere. Over drinks he will tell me exactly what I did wrong and make himself out to be the victim. If I press him, he will offer just enough of an apology to say that he said one. The "dating" will go on for a couple of weeks, until he decides he no longer has to "banish" me from his house. And then we start all over again, with him being extra jovial and me being extra careful.

I thought it was kind of humorous when I wrote it down. I realize though, it's just plain sad.

January 22, 2008
12:44 am
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southgoingzax
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yeah, the instant diet. Me too. That's kind of a plus.

I fell exactly the same way, that the only way I could break it off is if I never, ever see him again. Even being 50 miles away might not be enough. Out of state, I think. Because everyone here knows him, he's in the paper all the time, being anywhere near him would completely undo me.

But my whole family is here, my only friends are his friends....it helps that my family is now so fed up with him that they don't like him anymore. I wish I could say the same.

January 22, 2008
12:48 am
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southgoingzax
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of course, he could just decide to end it all, too.

January 22, 2008
12:48 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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I did kinda snicker.....because it might not be the same thing as mine but it is obviously his way or the highway. Kinda a little punishing thing going. Don't question him.....anytime we had a diagreement I was always the fuck up. Pets do help even if they are alot of responsibility........I am going to get some fish one day ,

January 22, 2008
12:55 am
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southgoingzax
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If I stop typing, I start to freak out again.

I bought some goldfish about...11 years ago, to condition my tank before getting tropical fish - but then, I didn't know what to do with the goldfish, they didn't die, and I didn't want to take them back to the store, as they were feeder fish. Three of those fish lived for about eight years...one by one I replaced them as they died, so now they are all "new" fish, but I think the youngest one I have had for three years. One is a feeder fish and two are fancy - one is the fat kind with the fantail, the other is a shiboykin? they are all about six-seven inches long. I'm really glad I got them a heater and some new filters and some live plants. I know they are just fish, but I am like god to them, in total control of their little lives, so it's nice to be a kind god.

January 22, 2008
12:56 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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They never end it themselves ever. Why should they ? They are in control. After I moved out this last time and I mean it was ugly ugly ugly break up.........I told him off good. I mean I fucked up bad......I was in big trouble. I knew he was not going to talk to me for awhile. I had to move back here anyway (long story). I broke no contact after a year and called him just a few weeks ago. Guess What ? He acted like nothing had happened and invited me to his house for sex. Say what? They never break it off , they have things just the way they want them.

January 22, 2008
1:01 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Well you have had fish for awhile , you are the "Goldfish Goddess". When I do get fish I know who to look up.

January 22, 2008
1:04 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Southgoingzax, I am calling it a day and I wish you a goodnight. Try to not panick .........stay calm and relax some.........daylight is around the bend. horsefly

January 22, 2008
1:05 am
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southgoingzax
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you know what he said on the phone last night? He said, "I really like you, (zax), but..." I don't remember the rest, it was about me being crazy, playing mindgames, or whatever. All I could think about was him saying he "really liked" me. I should have said, "As in, like like?" like a junior high school girl.

This is a 46 year-old man telling me he "really likes" me? After 5 1/2 years of a relationship?

I could grab his testicles and threaten to rip them both off unless he said "I love you" and he'd probably rather give them up than admit to that.

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