Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

No permission to create posts
sp_TopicIcon
Why can't I break free from him?
January 21, 2008
1:03 pm
Avatar
nappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My question is what answers are you looking for?

Either you want to be with this man or you don't.

I don't understand.

And just because you are not codependent about anything else in your life, you ARE codependent with this man here.

It is codependent because you are allowing this person to treat you like this and in your thoughts you already know that it is not right.

This is not a loving relationship because if it was you wouldn't be here on this site complaining about a man that is wearing a mask and will take it off at anytime and don't care how he is hurting your feeling.

If you want to break free from him, you already know what you have to do, but it is not up to us to tell you, it is ALL up to you.

Nappy

January 21, 2008
1:09 pm
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

South, I have to get off the coputer for ahile now. But I wanted to hang in there with you while you got thru this disturbing event. Please watch out here.......I put up with this shit myself for 10 years. I thought I was handling it too.....but I eventually ended up with panick attacks that I still cannot shake a year later.......sometimes if I feel abandoned and sometimes I don't know why. It all goes back to the sheer panick thing . I feel like running and just aimlees when I have them. Also I would like to say Hi to lettingo..........I am always glad to read your posts. Take Care , I will check in later. horsefly

January 21, 2008
1:30 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi horsefly,

thanks for sticking around as long as you could. I really appreciate it.

Nappy, I understand where you are coming from and I know you speak directly - and bluntly. I agree with everything that you are saying, but I guess I don't know what answers I am looking for.

Yes, I know that his behavior was wrong. I know that he flipped out on me and said some very cruel and mean things and I know I didn't deserve to be treated like that.

But I also know that eventually I will accept it and act like nothing happened and everything is fine. And most of me wants to do just that. I just want everything to go back to the way it was before. I was satisfied with him, if not passionately in love with him, and that suited me just fine, because I don't really believe in love anyway. I think about my life without him and I totally panic, and that hasn't changed, not in five years. I want the answer to that - why, if I can get and be so damn healthy about the rest of my life, why can't I get over him? Why does the thought of being without him put me in free-fall? I feel like I NEED the answer to that before I can let go. I don't want to go back to him, ever, if I break up with him. I don't think I would survive. So I have to be 100% totally ready to let go, and I am not anywhere near that. Maybe I am at 10%. Or 15%. But really, the majority of me just wants to close my eyes and pretend it didn't happen and just move on. It's what he does, I should just get over it by now. I *know* at a certain level that my reaction isn't right, but how do I translate that into changing my behavior?

January 21, 2008
1:38 pm
Avatar
Hurts_so_bad
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

South,

I found your post interesting when you said that you were ok with the way he is "unavailable" to you on all levels - you just don't like the way he treats you sometimes. That's like saying it's ok for my guy to be unsure about who he wants to be with and as long as we enjoy each other's company and he treats me well (which he does) things are fine. Things are NOT fine and neither is your relationship. After 5 years, your guy should know if he wants to be with you or not....none of this breaking up - back on rollercoaster ride. And the way he blows up at you.......that's a no-no. No one should except treatment like that. Ever. That can lead to physical abuse later on if you ever decide to move in together.

{{{{South}}}}

HSB

January 21, 2008
1:40 pm
Avatar
Hurts_so_bad
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

oops...can't spell meant to say ACCEPT not except.....

January 21, 2008
1:45 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I guess the issue is, why don't I really believe I deserve better? Why am I willing to put up with his cruelty, as infrequent as it is, it still isn't right. Why is it okay? When I try to imagine a healthy relationship with someone else, I kind of recoil. I don't want someone else to have real feelings and emotions I am involved in, I don't want to be depended on, I don't want to feel someone else's emotions. P doesn't burden me with any of that. It's like he needs nothing at all from me, and I am comfortable with that.

January 21, 2008
1:46 pm
Avatar
doubleloss
Guest
Guests

zaxy, i hope you are a bit bette, but by reading the posts it doesn't seem like it.

You've been so supportvie and helpful and straight forward with me and my struggle with xbf and fxh. You've given me some excellent advice and observations; some of them have been very hard to take, but i've let my heart and mind open, as I know that once you are in the middle of the storm, it's hard or impossible to see what's really going on.

So, based on my observations and conversations with you i thinkg that:
1. You really KNOW that you have to leave the relationship with P. You've known that for a long time.

2. You CAN do it.

3. You DESERVE better than a half-assed relationship.

4. You know that you are in a comfortable/uncomfortable situation because it's easier that doing whatever work you still have to do with yourself.

5. As many of us, you can be highly efficient and self-assured in many areas of your life, but when it comes to men....well, it's a different story.

6. You don't want to face the work and loneliness that comes after letting go of a relationship. As you know, it's HELL, it's not easy, it's confusing, it's lonely. You know from all the posters. You know, from me, it's been well over a year since xbf dumped me and I'm still struggling with it. I still miss him. and I still LOVE him, the man is not coming off my brain. In many ways I'm understanding that I'm holding on to a memory, to hope that he might turn around and come back, etc. because if I really let that go, then I have nothing!! nothing in terms of thinking that someone might even be remotely interested in me. And now I'm aware that is really a lack of self-esteem, because if I had good self-esteem I wouldn't be crying over not getting his crums of affection once in a while. So I HAVE to restore, or better yet, build that famous self-esteem and I have not a freaking clue of how to do that. It's a struggle, and up hill battle.

So I mention this only because I see your posts some reflection of my own attitudes, my own fears.

Sometimes we just need to be strong and courageous, pull the damn band aid at once, deal with the pain and move on. I'm still at the deal w/the pain stage. I haven't moved on. I'm scared to let my life go w/o being able to do it. Life is way to short.

I'll be back in a little while.

January 21, 2008
1:53 pm
Avatar
MzKitty
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Zax,

I just read what double posted to you. If I can I would like to ask you how you feel about your self esteem, or how you feel about yourself. I'm just curious why you think you need to stay in this relationship if it's not truly fulfilling for you? Trust me I'm struggling with the same thing right now. Wondering why I want to stay with S.

January 21, 2008
2:15 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi double, hi mzkitty,

I would say I feel very confident about myself otherwise - judging from where I used to be, I have made some really positive changes. I don't think negatively about myself, but I do doubt my decision-making process and abilities a lot. I just made a huge decision to quit school and take a chance on this job - it's a risk, and I am not a risk-taker, so just doing that has really helped me to feel that I am on the right track and that I am finally figuring out what I want to do and how to get there. About why I need to stay - I just don't know. It's just too much, too overwhelming to think about life without him. And I don't know why, because as I have said before, it's not that I think he is the love of my life. But he is the....something...of my life. I don't know what it is.

double,

yeah, I don't know....I mean, I know, but I don't want to do anything about it. Life without him would be more than hell, it would be nothing. It would be emptiness, and I don't understand how i can even FEEL that way anymore, after all I have been through, after all the great changes in my life, why do I still feel like losing him is the end of the world? That I would have nothing, when at the very least, I have a job I love? That's certainly more than I had before, but it's still not enough. What am I lacking? What do I need to be able to see/have a life without him? Why do I still feel so alone?

January 21, 2008
2:32 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh, and double, I'm okay, stopped crying at least. The phone has rung twice and it's not been him, so I'm kind of over expecting him to call. It's just that I do not want to deal with this. I don't want to be trying to figure him out or what I did wrong or why I can't break up with him. It is self-defeating for me to go over and over the same old shit and not ever (EVER) get anywhere. I don't want the relationship to end. Period. All the questioning about why and what I should do and what I know is right and what I deserve....it all just makes me feel like even more of a failure. It makes me more confused and hurt and scared and panicky to try to figure this stuff out. I don't want to feel like that. I don't want to feel like a failure, I don't want to feel stupid, stubborn, screwed-up, or any of the other things that trying to deal with this crap makes me feel. I just want to go back to feeling like everything is OK.

So even sitting here typing this makes me feel like I am dwelling on pointless, useless craziness and that I should just get over it. He is what he is, I should have expected it, I know it's not my problem, so I should just let it go and get back to work and eventually he will call and act like nothing is wrong and it will all go back to the way it was.

And part of me realizes how bad that sounds, but part of me just doesn't care enough to try to change anything. I WAS happy with the way things were. Not ecstatic, but happy. I don't want that to change, so if I am giving myself those parameters, what are my choices? Sucking it up, calming down, and waiting for him to decide to speak to me again.

I don't know why this is acceptable to me. I don't know how to move on to the point where it isn't. I don't know how to learn to want more from someone in my life. And acknowledging all of this just makes me feel like total stupid crap and I can't stand feeling this way.

January 21, 2008
2:32 pm
Avatar
doubleloss
Guest
Guests

hi zax.
you are making positive changes so concentrate on that. I totally understand what you mean about your life not having any meaning if P is not in the picture. I so know that feeling. It's very scary to see life as an empty shell, as if it doesn't matter because we don't have a witness to our lives, someone to share it with.

I am starting to understand that really, NOBODY can give us that will to live except ourselves. I can't see beauty if I don't see it with my own eyes, nobody can feel or do for you. YOU (us) have to do it yourself.

I think we live in a society that has conditioned us to believe in the fairy tale of love, not the realities of love. The "you complete me" bull shit. I am starting to understand that nobody can complete me, I'm alrady complete.

I think you are a deeply sensitive being, with a lot of love to give and a lot of love that you need to get. And it's easier (even if it really isn't) to get "some" than to get "none". I think that's the same issue for me. That's why I still dance w/xbf because those are the 3 seconds that I feel wanted and alive and happy. BUT I'm learning that I can stay barely alive on crums or that I can eventually make the decision to go for the whole loaf. I want the whole loaf, but crums right now are better than nothing....AND that is sooooo sad.

I think it's about refilling the well, we have to be able to be happy, truly happy with ourselves before we can attract a healthy partner.

I read somewhere that we attract men that are at the same level than us. When I read that it freaked me out....if xbf is so nuts and selfish and insecure....am I at his level too?? I don't want to be attracting guys like that, that are so emotionally fucked up. But then, I have to heal, really truly heal from all the hurt that who knows how long ago it started.

Zax, stop saying you Can't, start saying to yourself that you CAN and then, it will happen, then when you are ready you'll be able to move on, to do the hard work that is ahead.

January 21, 2008
2:36 pm
Avatar
nappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

"But I also know that eventually I will accept it and act like nothing happened and everything is fine. And most of me wants to do just that."

Then if that is what you want then I don't see where there is a problem.

"I mean, I know, but I don't want to do anything about it. Life without him would be more than hell, it would be nothing."

Since you have made him your world, then what is the problem?

I just wondering because I don't understand the title that you wrote.
You have accepted his treatment all of this time, so why not just relax and enjoy your time with this man.
Being with him is hell and being without him is hell. So why are you trying to break away from him?

Nappy

January 21, 2008
2:37 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Dear Zax -

I have been reading this thread, but there is so little (of a constructive nature) that I can say to you. You have heard it all. You are very intelligent. You give awesome advice to others on these threads. There is nothing life-changing which I could add to these postings which could give you the breakthrough for which you long. If there were, I would give it to you in a heartbeat.

In many of your postings, you have shared some input/observations from your counselor: that you have difficulty leaving the "familiar" or knowing when to leave and then following through. I think alot of us struggle with this. I do know that most of us remain within relationships which make us feel COMFORTABLE. This relationship with P lacks true emotional exchange, true intimacy and safety. He is NEVER there for you when the rubber hits the road. Never has been. And he is unable to give you genuine love and emotional commitment and intimacy. And something within you is OKAY with that. You actually like (and feel comfortable with) these relationship dynamics.

You can even predict what he will do in any given situation. Start talking about moving in together? He sabotages it, ALWAYS turning it around, so that you feel totally responsible for his staged blow-ups. Punishing you with silent withdrawal, until you "learn your lesson" and wisely refrain from holding him accountable for any past cruelties. As maddening as it seems to those of us on the outside, looking "in," this is something you prefer, to a healthier, accountable, intimate relationship.

So, I don't see the relationship with him as the problem. I think there is something within your heart that needs healing. Something that is wounded, setting you up for this troublesome "non-relationship relationship." If that makes sense. If this counselor is unable to get you from Point A to Point B in all these years, I would suggest you try on another counselor for size. Someone who may be able to help you face the uncomfortable parts of you which need addressing, but which you shy away from.

I guess that is my only, concrete suggestion at this point. Otherwise, you will simply ride this one out, (yet again), and post to us while you are in agony, then trickle back down to silence, once P has "forgiven you," punished you enough into buckling under to the correct, required behavior(s) to keep him around and resumed his non-relationship with you. I am not trying to be unkind. I really think alot of you, Zax. But I see a cycle (you see it, too). And only YOU can break out of it. And only if YOU WANT TO. In the meantime, I hope it is enough to know that we all care.

- Ma Strong

January 21, 2008
2:39 pm
Avatar
MzKitty
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Zax,

Have you ever talked to a Counselor? If so did it help you. I'm sorry to butt in here, but I've been reading your posts to double, and it seems that you and I have a lot in common. I look at myself and know that I am an attractive, self confident, successful 38 y/o mother of 2. But when it comes to relationships, I'm an insecure mess. I've been making a list of things like that that I want to talk to this new counselor about. So we'll see what she has to say.

You sound like such a confident person. You've taken a big step in this new career, which a lot of people probably wouldn't have. And it sounds like you and double are supportive for each other. That is awsome! That's why I think I need this site right now.

January 21, 2008
3:09 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi ma, hi mzk,

ma, I was wondering if you'd step in. You're right about it all - I don't want to change, I don't want to face what ever it is that is so screwed up inside me. I prefer the non-relationship relationship. I don't know why, I don't know the answer, I don't know how to get to the answer and trying to figure it out just leaves me feeling like a mess of a human being. And I don't want to feel that way. And nappy is right, too. I post because I am hurt, I am really, really hurt by his behavior, and then I turn around and say it is acceptable to me, because if it isn't acceptable, it means breaking up with him, and I just...can't, wont....do that.

It IS a pattern, I know all about it. And the only thing left to do is get out but I don't. I don't even want to, so all my complaining about being treated badly is a waste of time. I know him, I know his limits, I know, and can predict, exactly what he will do when I expect too much. It's all the same and it never changes and I never change and can't even seem to want to change, and so where do I go from here?

MzKitty:

I have seen a counselor for two years consistently, I stopped in July when I moved out of town, and while I think she helped me understand a lot of things about myself, I never felt that I ever really "fixed" anything. I started seeing her about my lack of focus/drive/inspiration about finding a career, and so we worked through that which set me on a path back to graduate school - which I just quit to take this job. In that respect, I think she helped me to get unstuck and kind of free up my thinking....I made a lot of changes in my life that I think have really improved how I see myself.

I do think I am a confident person, but a normal one with fears and insecurities just like everyone else. I am 32, I have never been married, I don't have any children, so I have no idea how hard it must be to go through something like this and have to be a parent all at the same time - I know it must be really tough.

You don't have to apologize for butting in, if there's anything in this mess that can help you, then maybe it is worth it. I don't know what happened to me in my personal relationships, I don't think I've had any more than the next person of heartache and bad break-ups. I used to feel very bad about myself and my childhood and felt like I was abnormal or an outsider, but I really feel like I have changed those mental tapes, you know?

i think it's great you are seeing a counselor, hopefully it will be a good fit - don't be discouraged if it feels awkward or odd to be talking to a stranger - it usually does at first. And if she isn't a good fit for you, try someone else before you give up on counseling all together. I really do think it is beneficial. I don't know why it didn't help me as much as it should have.

January 21, 2008
3:42 pm
Avatar
MzKitty
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Zax,

Well hopefully there will be some words of wisdom from this counselor and I might be able to share with all of my friends in here. Funny thing, I know how strong I am. Oh honey, I've been through a hell of a lot worse then this break up, I just think I got the wind knocked out of me and I'm having a hard time regrouping. Just a little while ago, I found myself in the restroom praying (since that's the only place to get any privacy). And after I prayed I felt better. Something came over me that was telling me that I'm expecting too much of myself, that it's only been 1 day, as far as I know he's not even moving out yet. So it may take until he's out to really start feeling better. I just told my friend here at work what was going on, and I've decided that the 1st sign of him packing up and moving, I'm helping him. I'll bring boxes home and do what I can to speed up the process. I think that will help me feel better about myself. I guess right now I'm feeling a little helpless because I've let him stay at the house. How dumb!

January 21, 2008
3:50 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

MzKitty,

It sucks to feel stupid about decisions made in the past when things were good. But if we didn't make mistakes, we wouldn't be human. It sounds like you are getting along in this process just fine - it's still going to hurt, and be messy and horrible at times, but you already sound stronger and more confident.

I am trying to get my butt out the door and do some errands I need to take care of. I am just sort of drifting aimlessly from email to here to watching tv and none of it is really helping me.

do YOU think you made this man your whole world? I never thought I was doing that with P, not after the last time he went crazy on me. I thought I was taking care of myself and moving on with my life so that it wouldn't be empty if we ever broke up. Now I realize that nothing really has changed in my day to day life - I still spend every weekend with him, every trip I take that isn't work-related is with him, the only person I ever call or who ever calls me that isn't family - is him. Everything in my life has to do with him in some way, except for work. Everything that I enjoy, that I do for fun, I do with him. And I guess that's how my life will be empty without him. I have filled every inch of space with him. Without even realizing it.

January 21, 2008
4:17 pm
Avatar
MzKitty
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Zax,
Yes I did make this man my whole world. And the 1 night I decide to go to dinner with a girlfriend (this past friday night) it ended up in this. Not that my going to dinner was the problem, but it helped escelate it, partly because of my insecurity with this man. I wish I could just see and realize how dysfunctional this man is for me, and move on. But for some reason (hopefully because of the time frame here) I just don't want to let go. I don't trust him anymore. I know he's been chatting with his ex, and possibly other's, I guess maybe that's what is hurting, that possibly he's going to be able to move on to someone else, and I'll be alone.

January 21, 2008
5:50 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh, I know that feeling, that he can simply move on to someone else, like i never existed, while I am alone, and sad, sad, sad. The ONLY consolation is that he will treat her no better than he treated you - and it likely wont work out for them, either.

The thing was, I was never insecure about him cheating on me until now. And even now, I know he went home alone, I know he didn't sleep with her. It's the whole situation that pisses me off - the intentional vagueness about this mystery woman, the over-reaction when I told him it seemed really suspicious, and all of this coming on the tail of a weekend where we talked a lot about moving in together. It's such an obvious ploy to make me seem crazy and suspicious and a perfect way to give him an escape route. And I was even thinking that he wouldn't really be able to follow through with the living-together plan, so I should have seen this coming. I didn't.

I am just really having a hard time with the pain. I am angry and hurt and there's no one to talk to about it, except here, and even here it is tough because everyone here knows I have gone through this exact same crap, last year, the year before that, and the year before that. And actually, my mind wants to justify: we didn't have a fight last year like this. It was two years ago, and even then he didn't yell at me like this. The last time he totally flipped out like this was....four years ago? Maybe? And his turn-around, at the end of the conversation, "Everything is fine, I'll call you tomorrow" is not only bizarre but totally out of character for him. I just don't get it, and you see how much time I am wasting trying to figure it out? There's no figuring him - he's clearly not balanced. So why do I keep trying?

I'm going to go clean my fish tank, i guess, and try to find something to do with my dog - it is 12 degrees out right now, not great weather for a walk or anything.

Before I go - I really wanted this to work out. I really wanted to be able to live with him like a normal couple, cook dinner, go to bed together every night...Even though I wouldn't admit it, I really hoped he could pull it off. I know it's stupid and pathetic to have those hopes, but I did.

January 21, 2008
6:30 pm
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Southgoingzax, I don't think you are stupid or pathetic. I myself don't have some of those traits of codependence but when it comes to men I have all of them. I was on the rollorcoaster ride with mine for along time.......it all seemed worth it to me for years......then it got to the point where he controlled my mind. I was scared to show any emotions.........at first I could but gradually it got worse. Up till the end I realized I was cold inside and was becoming like him ( in the frozen emotional way ). I lived with him 4 times and moved out 4 times. No shit. I only caution you about the moving in part........I did this for 10 years. If you live apart than it is manageable if you enjoy him........but maybe find other avenues of interest . I myself was obsessed by him and kept hoping things would work out , but deep in my heart.........I knew. Of course he was a master at playing my emotions until I became the one freaking out all the time and to this day I believed he enjoyed watching my explosions. He was also a addicted to me.....as I him. That was just my relationship and it was a crazymaking relationship and I am not sure if I will ever be fit to be in a solid one again. You are 32 and I am 50 so sometimes I think I want to go back because of the not wanting to be alone thing. But everyday it fades more and more. I wish things could work out for you but from what I am reading here he sounds like a mental player and I hope you find other ways to enjoy your life and not put all your eggs in one basket, like I did. Then he gets a girlfriend when he decides and I am history.........but he would take me back too..because he doesn't care who he hurts. horsefly

January 21, 2008
7:36 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi horsefly, and everyone,

I am still struggling. I HAVE to do some actual work today, but it is so hard to focus. I have to admit, I am just waiting for him to call. I'm not sure if I should call my counselor or not - I could make an appointment with her on one of the two days a week I am in town...but I know what she'll say.

I wish I had something good to say, but I don't.

January 21, 2008
7:41 pm
Avatar
doubleloss
Guest
Guests

hi zax. call your counselor. i think you need to talk about this, talking about it is the only way to take the power from the monster, keeping it to yourself won't help.

i understand your struggle all too well, you've seen be struggle with the same issues w/xbf for so long.

it is self-esteem, it's ego...for me it's been like : OK I'm great, why don't you want me, why don't you love me??? I kind of want to show him I'm worth it... and what i end up doing is just diminishing myself and I don't even have contact w/the guy! IT'S NUTS. In a way maybe I was lucky that he dumped me, otherwise I wouldn't be surprised that I would be in a mess similar to yours. I don't know.

I for one don't mind one bit if you keep talking about it. It hurts to see you struggling so much, and knowing that you know you have to get out. And knowing that you don't think you are worth being loved, truly loved. Somewhere inside you you have to start believing it, somehow, otherwise there is really no way out...unless it's forced on you.

Keep busy, and talk all you need. (((zax)))

January 21, 2008
8:15 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi double,

I don't know that I don't think I am worth being truly loved. I think I don't want to be...that I don't want that kind of responsibility. I don't know how to explain it, I just feel like I am simply not capable of ever being that close to someone. I don't know when I lost that desire, or how, but I just decided, along the way, that I was done with trying to find that special someone....because I simply could not conceive of having a relationship like that. Maybe it does have to do with me thinking I am not worthy of being loved, but I never thought of it that way. I always thought I...didn't want that kind of relationship. Even as I type that, I realize how dumb that sounds.

I guess I feel like I went through an awful lot of struggles to feel OK with myself. I don't want to feel like there is something wrong with me, that I have, once again, turned into something I don't like. I want to like myself, I want to be happy with me, and realizing that I am still so screwed up makes me feel like a disaster. I want to have it all together, I want to be fine, smart, happy, and healthy. I don't want to feel like a total sucker, which is what I feel right now.

January 21, 2008
10:01 pm
Avatar
doubleloss
Guest
Guests

hi zax. i think you're onto something now. maybe you really want to explore that, and that doesn't make you a failure of any kind. if it's any consolation I think we are all screwed up in many ways.

growing is a life-time process, so it seems that once we are done with one thing something else shows up. seems to me that's just the way things are. i for one, want to confront all my deamons, because i swear that i don't want to keep dealing with the same old thing year after year. i rather wrestle new, unknown ones. but for one the battles with the ones that have been w/me for a lifetime are not going that well as you know. but i know the time is now, to conquer them and truly move on. so that i'm ready for the new set...

don't despair my friend. this is life. choose to live it fully, in all aspects. let's make this year the year of not settling for less.

January 21, 2008
11:26 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This is the worst time...it's 9:20 pm and he hasn't called...he'd normally call by 9:45. I thought I was doing better, but really I was still hoping he'd call. Now it's down to the wire and in a few minutes I'll know I have to spend another day like this.

Why do I give him this control? I don't know. Why do I wait to hear from him, let him decide how it's going to be? I have no idea. Except that calling him, I've learned from experience, doesn't work. This is cold-shoulder time and all I can do is sit here and wait. I just quit school, I just moved here - I have no friends to call, and it's -2 degrees outside. Nothing to do but sit here and wait.

I did watch a PBS show on lobotomies....that was uplifting.

heavy fucking sigh.

Everyone is right, I shouldn't be complaining. This is what I asked for, for putting my trust in this man. This is my bed. This is of my own making.

No permission to create posts
Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
37 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 108597

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38531

Posts: 714172

Newest Members:

Heiditus, alfredgv60, DollieapapS, latin girlskxm, Garminzbyi, Sergeyham

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer