Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

No permission to create posts
sp_TopicIcon
Why can't I break free from him?
January 21, 2008
1:09 am
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This has been a very long process for me and i still can't let go. I have dated this man for 5 1/2 years and 90% of the time he is easy to get along with, companionable, thoughtful, kind, and funny.

He has talked about moving in together in the past, but when I agreed and started making plans, he broke up with me. For no reason at all. With no explanation. Fast forward two years, and he once again starts talking about moving in together. This time he is even looking for houses on-line. Really talking about it. I try not to buy into it, but I do anyway.

The 9% of the time - he is distant and uncommunicable. And then 1% of the time, he is one hell of a mean bastard. He yells at me, puts words in my mouth, twists what I say. Accuses me of playing sick mind games, making things up, and trying to control him.

What happened tonight: He calls me back after not answering my call. He is walking home from a bar. He tells me he had drinks with an old co-worker. He does not ever mention a name, but it comes out that this is a female. Then he reveals that she calls him every couple of months or so for drinks. I have gone out with this man 5 1/2 years and he has NEVER mentioned this woman before. He tells me she is interested in renting his place, so he can move out sooner into a house for us if he finds one, and isn't that great for us? Yes, fine. We get off the phone.

But something doesn't sit right, so I call him back and tell him so - that it just seems suspicious he would go out for drinks with this woman he has never mentioned to me. And then I find out it was dinner. And then, when I ask if she was an old girlfriend, he says, "It doesn't matter what she is, it was eight years ago". And then I say, "THIS is what is suspicious - you didn't tell me the truth initially, that she was your girlfriend - why aren't you being honest with me?"

And then he flew into a rage - it's possible he was drunk, but i don't really know for sure - and he flips out, yelling, "are you calling me a liar? I NEVER said she was my girlfriend, you said it, and now you're putting words in my mouth and playing one sick mind game and I wont have it - this is exactly what my last girlfriend did when we planned to move in together, she went psycho and I'm too old for this shit and I'm not going to deal with it. Don't you dare call me a liar, I am done with this conversation, I am hanging up the phone, don't call back, I wont answer, I don't want to talk to you and as far as I'm concerned, this relationship is over if you don't trust me, YOu're on very thin ice"......an on and on and on. He included a rant about how I spend a lot of time over at my ex-boyfriend's house, and how does he know I'm not screwing him?

when I tried to explain that I never lied to him about visiting with my ex-boyfriend, that he was intentionally omitting facts and THAT was what I found suspicious, he just talked (yelled) over me. He would not answer anything. And when I said he was acting inappropriately, he blamed me for engineering this whole argument and said I was playing mind games with him, neat trick blaming him for something I created.

And then he calmed down, stopped yelling, told me everything was fine, and said he'd call me tomorrow.

Here's the thing - I RARELY see the monster side of him. But when I do, it rattles me to the bone. And even with all of this, even with counseling and posting here for what - three years, four? - I still am sitting here taking his crap. I still can't stand up to him and tell him to go fuck himself, I don't need his pathetic bullshit and walk away.

WHY CAN'T I WALK AWAY? What the hell is so fucked up with me that I can't snap out of this? Is it because this only happens once or twice a year? When he's freaking out on me like that, it is so disorienting - and even with all the books I have read, I can't seem to not get sucked in and try to explain myself or explain to him what HE is doing, even though I know he isn't listening. I know it's pointless. I know that this man becomes a monster, that all his niceness melts away in an instant and he lashes out at me for questioning his behavior as if he is totally out to destroy me - and it works. I was *grateful* that he calmed down. I was glad he said everything was fine. Even though I am sitting here shaking with rage and hurt and total fucking bewilderment at what just happened, his plan worked. Just like that.

If he were this psycho all the time, I would have no problem dumping his ass. But it is SO random, so infrequent, that in-between I get lulled into this false sense of security and then I feel like I've been hit by a truck.

Please help me. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I don't want to get away from this man, even when I KNOW all about his insanity. What is it that keeps me tied to him?

January 21, 2008
1:53 am
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm sitting here trying to tell myself this doesn't really hurt. But it hurts so fucking much. I am so mad at myself for being so stupid as to let this happen. And for knowing that no matter how mad I am right now, I will still want things to "work out". I will still answer the phone when he calls. Even when I know this will never go anywhere. Never. I still sit here. What will it take to make me let him go? Why do I tolerate this?

January 21, 2008
2:07 am
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Correction: I don't want to answer the phone RIGHT NOW. Right now I am beyond angry with him, with myself...I am even blaming myself for *antagonizing* him when I know that HE WAS THE ONE WHO ACTED INAPPROPRIATELY. I know that his choice to go out to dinner with this woman was not inappropriate in and of itself, it was the way he dribbled out the information and hid the fact that he had some sort of romantic relationship with her. HE has never, not once in the entire time we have dated, pulled a stunt like this. I have trusted him this entire time, and now, NOW, when he is talking about moving in together he pulls this shit out of his ass...

It's that goddamn truck....I've been hit with, even though any moron should have seen it coming. Sorry for all the cursing but I am so FUCKING angry. And the worst part is that I will eventually answer the phone. I know I wont break this off. Even though this is unbelievable and completely off the charts and I have been here long enough to know better I JUST CAN'T DO BETTER.

If anyone's around, I could really use some support. I feel so fucked up right now. Just sitting here shaking my head and crying and feeling like my brain is going to explode...

January 21, 2008
2:16 am
Avatar
doubleloss
Guest
Guests

Hi Zax, i just posted this on my thread

P,P,P. I think you know very well what P is up too. He can't complain about anything so he finds a way to push your buttons so he can get ANY excuse to back off of the whole moving together thing. Why do you do that? gosh, I guess the same reasons all of us here have accepted this relationships that are toxic and disrespectful and hurtful. You've mentioned so many times that you are not ready to let it go. Seems to me that P is doing whatever he can to make YOU do the dirty work, because for whatever reason he doesn't even have the guts to pull the plug himself.

It's the whole pull and push thing, from both of you, but seems that P has the upper hand. I know one day you'll just reach that point of no return, and you'll be able to break free from this relationship that doesn't make you fly and be happy. That point arrives sooner or later, boy I know. I was able to leave my marriage.

P is mean, you know it. The whole "friend" thing that you didn't know about and then flipping the situation and mentioning your exb...that's low.

You know it, I know it. You just have to get sick enough of the games, forget the good times and move on with your life, that I see is taking a turn for the best with this new job with the scientist.

Every couple has problems, every one of us can be ugly at times as we are just human. Fights are part of any healthy relationship, but crushing the person we are supposed to love is not acceptable. Just NOT acceptable. Fair fighting is good, is healthy, but not being able to question, to challenge, to get mad and annoyed is something else. His rage sounds more like guilt to me, typical, he gets all offended to difusse the fact that he's not being up front w/you. Is the fooling around w/ his ex? maybe yes, maybe not, but the point is that the way he's set things up is to push your buttons, and as you say, he knows exactly how to do it, and you keep playing his game.

HE told you "it's over if you can't trust him"....can you trust him? really, can you....and trust is about everything, that he is not cheating, that you can be yourself w/him, that he follows up his words w/action...can you?

If he really breaks things up this time....will you chase him? will you want him back? if you guys patch things up...do you really want him??? sometimes you just have to do it. pull yourself by the boot straps and stop settling for something that doesn't work for you, really work for you.

But saying all that, I know that it is very possible that if xbf hadn't dumped me, I would still be around, hoping, waiting, expecting that perhaps this time he wouldn't be flirting w/other women in front of me. Trying so hard so he wouldn't go and cheat. In bried, jumping through hoops to PLEASE him and to make him love me. I think it comes down to that, we want to be loved, to be wanted, to be desired, to know that we are number one for someone is this whole big world, to have the affection, intimacy and attention that only a man/woman relationship can give. I guess we have a lot of love to give and well, if there's someone there that might want it...why not? even if we are not getting what we want.

It's sad really. You deserve so much more. I deserve so much more.

When you are ready, you'll do what you have to do. I'm sorry you are feeling bad right now. Hope you have a good night. Don't let him make you feel bad about yourself. Don't doubt yourself. You're not the crazy one!

Take good care, I'll check tomorrow.
Doub

January 21, 2008
2:16 am
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I felt like everything was falling into place, you know? I quit school and have a new job I really enjoy with a real salary and benefits and travel to cool places and a great boss, and P seemed to be coming around, wanting to move forward...and how can it be that I was taken by surprise? I *knew* all along that he would break, that this was an illusion, and here it is right in front of my face and I still can't bring myself to say "I'M DONE". How much more shit am I willing to go through?

January 21, 2008
2:26 am
Avatar
doubleloss
Guest
Guests

you have all the pieces together, you know in your head what it is that you have to do for your own mental health, but you also know that if you pull the plug the follow through is going to be hell, is going to be hard and that the whole prospect of being single again simply sucks. Worse even the prospect of being alone forever and also knowing that eventually you'll date again and as we all know dating can be a total drag. Maybe is the feeling (unfounded) of failure, of not being able to keep a relationship, of having to start all over again. It's complicated, it's tiring, it's scary. It's hope, it's the disbelief of "why can't he love me"? it's so many things.
I think you are younger than me. Don't wait until you are my age (40) to do what you know in your heart you have to do. You are smart, and funny, and very intelligent, and witty, and kind and strong and you'll be able to get on with your life.
starting a new job, having more financial stability seems like the perfect time to change the areas that are not working.
whatever you decide to do, i'll support you. be good to yourself ok?
(((((((zax)))))))))

January 21, 2008
2:34 am
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks double. You're right, it's all of that - I don't want to face it. I don't know that I can. It's exactly as my counselor said, I don't know when or how to let go of things that aren't right for me. And I still don't.

January 21, 2008
2:42 am
Avatar
doubleloss
Guest
Guests

i think you know when to let go of things that aren't right for you.

I see you are paralyzed by fear, but it's not that you don't know you have to do it, you know it, you've know for a long time, since we met on these boards you've known it. Fear is the worse of all emotions, i think is the worse because it's a stop button.

"I can't", oh i think you can, when you decide to do it you will. It's more like you don't want, not yet, not today, not now. But of course you can, you are powerful, you can do whatever you decide to do. But it's all on your own time... it took me 12 years to get the guts to leave...12 &^%*# years. The only thing I really regreat is not having left my fxh looooong before, but I didn't want to, I wanted to fix him, I wanted to succeed, I wanted my relationship, I didn't know how to not be with him as I'd been w/him my whole adult life. You'll do it when it's your time. Or he might do it this time and then it doesn't matter if you ar ready or not, you'll have to deal with it, and I'll be here for you.
I'm going to sleep now, but i'll come tomorrow. sleep well. love ya!

January 21, 2008
6:49 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

hi (((zax)))

Glad to hear you made the decision about school, and are enjoying the new job.

I hope that you will reach more clarity about P before too long. I guess if he pushes the 'moving in' thing, you'll need to decide before going along with that, eh?

Sorry my friend, I'm falling asleep over the keyboard and can't think of anything very intelligent to say... but wanted to send you a hug and let you know I'm glad to see you posting again.

Take care - kuddles from kroiks

January 21, 2008
7:21 am
Avatar
autumn128
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Southgoingzax,

After reading your story, it reminds me of my girlfriends ex boyfriend. Talked about moving in with her, gave her lots of empty promises, and at the same time treated her very well most of the time. So many things about her relationship never added up, but she couldn't let him go. She wanted to get married, and he knew it, but the best promise he could give her was "one day". He wanted to take a couple of "breaks" during their relationship. Each time left her devastated, but he always came back, with more of the same. Then one day, he asked her for another break. She was once again heartbroken. He told her that he just needed some "time to figure things out." Turns out, this time, the girl that he was cheating on her with, turned out to be good enough for him to leave my girlfriend for. My girlfriend was with this guy for 5 YEARS. My girlfriend went through hell getting over him. But you know what? She healed, and now she is with a really great guy. I like him a lot, he treats her well and she is happy. When i read what you wrote about how you can't do any better, that concerns me. Why do you think you can't do any better? OF COURSE YOU CAN DO BETTER. SITTING ON YOUR BED CRYING YOUR EYES OUT, ANGRY AND CONFUSED IS NOT NORMAL IF YOU ARE IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. This man is lying to you and deceiving you on some level. Please get some help to break free from him once and for all.

Autumn

January 21, 2008
8:36 am
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi Zax.....((((heres some hugs))) and i feel for you. Yes, the push pull deal. And I love the part that HE screams at you and act's like you started the whole fight. Yes, anger issues he does have.

Just like the above post said, YOU know what to do. Yet, you may not be ready to break up. Are you afraid to be alone?? Maybe you think staying in the relationship is better, and less painful than breaking up.

You do have choices, I do hope you are feeling better today. And the more you post the more you can get your feelings out.

We are here for you girl!!

(((camer))

January 21, 2008
10:08 am
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((((Southgoingzax))))) He is controlling and is projecting his guilt on you . After awhile in a relationship ( like the one I was in) patterns develope. They start fights to get off the hook and turn it around so you are confused. I bet if you look at that other 80% or 90% he is getting away with things that you have just been programmed to acceopt. I know it takes what it takes to leave someone..I was with mine for 10 years and could not leave him until it was a must. But really think about moving in with him.........it will be your decision not his rather you do or not. Moving in together and not being about to have a normal discussion is what ended mine. Take Care, horsefly

January 21, 2008
10:21 am
Avatar
nappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

After what you wrote and you want to live with this person.
What do you think you are going to get once you start living with this man. You are going to get PURE HELL.
Hell that you already is going to come because he is showing you now how he is and what make you think that he is going to change.

Like I have said before, you shouldn't give a another person(man) that much control over your soul to where you are mad and upset and still dealing with a person that you already know about.
It is not the words that comes out of there mouth, it is there action. Look at how he is treating you, do you honestly want to keep going through what you are going through. That is the question that you should be asking yourself.
I would rather live by self in peace, then in a home full of turmoil all the time. Look at what you are going through now. Does anything ring a bell and please don't say that it is love because love is not suppose to hurt so much.
And you want to live with him and he drinks. You are not going to cure him. The only thing that you are going to be doing is taking all of his bullsh*t and he is going to keep dishing it out.
Why do you womens thinks that you have to put up with things like this? Just because you been with a person for several years. If it is a pattern then it is not good.

Nappy

January 21, 2008
10:23 am
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks for your posts, everyone. It is 8:00 am and I feel like crap. My head hurts and I have that pit in my stomach and I am crying again....I hate waking up like this.

Hi kroika, thanks for stopping by, I know how late your nights are. The thing was, I was planning just to go along with the moving in thing....I figured, if he was serious, fine, if not, he wouldn't go through with it, and as his lease is up first, I would be fine (in the sense of still having a place to live). I didn't realize or conveniently forgot this fucked-up twisted side of him that would pull this kind of stunt.

Even now, even with all my experience with him, my experiences here, my counseling, I am still questioning MYSELF - did I act appropriately? Was I being psycho? Why did I question him? I have never doubted his fidelity, but the story he told me last night just seemed so odd, so uncharacteristic of him, that it didn't sit right...I know there was nothing wrong with me calling him back to have him explain, but isn't there some part of me that doesn't want to move in with him? So then I DID create some of this, I did go a little psycho....or did I?

How is it I can KNOW that P fabricated this whole situation to give him an excuse that he can't live with me, and yet still be trying to figure out what I did wrong?

hi camer and autumn,

I just don't know why I can't let this guy go. Of course I am afraid of being alone. My new job is great, but it is just me and my boss, we work out of his home two days a week and I work at home the rest of the time - so it's pretty isolating. The one place I know a lot of people is an ongoing class where I also met P, so I can't really go there to get the support of my friends, as P is there all the time. I just feel so alone, and the worst part is that I can't turn to my family because they are sick of this - my mom, my dad, his wife, and my sister have all been there for me before when i cried about P's cruelty, and they all think I should have dumped him a long time ago and I need to move on...so there's an attitude of, "Well, what did you expect?" when I go to them.

I have to get to work somehow, but I just don't see how I can get through this. It is so stupid and SUCH a mess of my own making, I can't believe I am doing this again.

January 21, 2008
10:34 am
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi nappy, hi horsefly,

I appreciate your comments. I don't claim to love this man - it's never been said between us, at first I thought it was something I needed to hear, but then I realized i didn't know if I could actually say it and mean it. That's what is so asinine about all of this - I like him, we get along, he can be fun, but I don't know that I love him. And a big part of me does not wnt to live with him because I know how it would be - but somehow, I just keep going along with him. I guess I am addicted to him, but I don't know why. It's not like he is so great, but there's this total 'panicky freefall' that happens to me when we fight. I feel terrified and lost and alone and miserable. Weak and empty and....just awful. And I don't know why - I SHOULDN'T feel this way, I just recently felt like I had finally figured my life out, found a great job I am happy with, I was not depressed about anything, I really felt good about my life, and now it feels like everything has gone off the tracks. And I don't know why.

That's what I find the most frustrating thing about all of this - I don't know what it is that keeps me tied to him, I don't know why I can't just leave him...I've been here long enough to know the reason(s), but i just can't seem to make it all connect. I want to say I want to move on, but that...isn't really the truth. What is wrong with me?

January 21, 2008
11:22 am
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Southgoingzax, I usually don't respond to threads unless I can relate yo them. But I could feel what you are going through. I feel falsely secure with mine and thien boom the whole thing blows up out of portion. I would feel fear and panick and horror......until we made up. This is are codependence and addiction to this type. Uncomfortable but comfortable. I knew for a long time that my relationship wasn't right and everyone was tired of the times he and I would flip out but I stayed in it anyway. I found this site ayear ago but I stay close because I still don't trust myself yet. I do understand the hold........I also understand how you can rationalize that the fight was your fault because of your REACTION ........but the true is it is his problem and he is making it yours. I hear you were kinda making it his decision to move in together.......like whatever he wants. It is about what you want. I stay away from mine just for the mere fact he is poison to me and he was damagong my soul. ((((((((((southgoingzax))))))))) horsefly

January 21, 2008
11:27 am
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

South, Once you live with this type ........when the explosion happens someone usually leaves. It was me.......friends could not believe I would go back to him.....there called our house the Red House. Where I thought it was passion at the time it was just plain unhealthy living.........horseefly

January 21, 2008
11:49 am
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I appreciate your posts, horsefly.

Most of me knows exactly what would happen if we lived together - that we would fight and I would leave, that it would all be over. But some part of me thinks it could actually work. And I don't know how to get rid of that thinking. I don't think it's passion at all, our fighting - and I know it isn't healthy. I just don't know what to do to get myself over it. I can't even begin to imagine my life without him, or when I do, it is empty and lonely and very very sad.

The sick part of me knows that if I just shut up and act like everything is fine, he will do the same, and everything will go back to the way it was. It may take two weeks or so, but it will all go back to normal if I just accept it. And there's very little doubt in my mind that I'll do exactly that - shut up and pretend it's all fine.

I don't know why I need this to work so badly. I don't know why I am doing this, or how to stop feeling this way.

January 21, 2008
12:02 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

why is it that his limited affection is okay for me? Why don't I, if I really want more, think I deserve more, move on? I know it's not OK to be treated that way, but I don't want someone else who treats me better. I want this bozo jackass, and I can't stand that that's the case!!! Why can't I do better for myself? WHy can't I do what is right for myself?

I am trying not to dwell, trying to do work, but it is SO hard to focus on other things right now.

January 21, 2008
12:11 pm
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

South, I think you know more than you realize. You said a few eye openers for me........something like part of you doen't want to get that close to anyone but yearn for it........I don't now I would have to go back and reread everything. Basically I think you are willing to try living with him so you can find out once and for all if this will work ? Maybe I and not correct here........ I know for me after I was in the same kinda relationship I worry if I can ever be intimate again. I think it is fear of intimaticy and they reinforce it into us.......because they are not capable. Therefore making us not have it at all.....and not learning how to develope it..........horsefly

January 21, 2008
12:24 pm
Avatar
Hurts_so_bad
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

South,

You have been very helpful to me in my struggle and I just had to post and tell you that maybe you should read some of the posts you sent to me and the advice you have given me. It was solid advice and perhaps by reading them again, you might find some strength in your own situation.

I know what it's like to know intellectually that, yes, you deserve better, but emotionally, you're not sure. I'm still at that point. I know intellectually that my situation is not good for me....yet I'm having such a difficult time letting go.....

The upside to your situation is that you sound like you're very angry at him and it seems that you have no problem expressing that - which in the long run I think is going to help you beat this. As an outsider looking in - I would say that if you've been hanging in there for 5 years and you're not even sure you love him - let him go and move on. There's no reason to put yourself through this if you're not even sure if it's love....but I understand your struggle....advice is so much easier to give when you're not involved in the situation. We can see things clearly....but you're dealing with your demons and emotions.

(((((South)))))

January 21, 2008
12:27 pm
Avatar
horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I read a book along time ago that my cousellor gave me........it was called "Fear of Intimacy". I forgot the author....it is packed up in my stuff. It is an excellent book. horsefly

January 21, 2008
12:39 pm
Avatar
lettingo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

South, I would suggest you mabye try a 12 step group like CoDA. Your story is very common. Stayng with someone when you know you need to leave yet being unable to do so. It was the story of my life. Seemed I would go out with one break up and go through an emotional nighmare and then just find another one. Without treatment from Codependancy, women will just keep finding that same type and stay as Horsefly said said so perecty, "uncomfortably comfortable". There is something comfortable about what you are dealing with and only treatment can really break the cycle.

January 21, 2008
12:42 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi hsb, horsefly,

I relly am glad you are around to post. I start to do work stuff and I forget for a while, feel better, and then it all comes crashing back down. The phone rings, it is my boss, not P. He has the day off today, any normal day he would call me to chat if he had a day off. I held my breath, thinking it was him, but it wasn't.

I know that his behavior last night was bullshit, I know that his freak-out on me was manufactured, I know that last night his mask slipped and he let me see some things he tries very, very hard to keep hidden. But most of the time, I enjoy being with him, we get along fine. No, I can't trust him with my feelings and I've learned to not have conversations with him if I feel hurt or upset (either by him or about other things). But part of me must want that kind of emotional distance for it to be okay for five years, don't you think? I think I know I don't want to be truly intimate with anyone, that I don't trust people to respect my feelings, that I want to keep a wall up because letting someone in and then having your heart destroyed is a shitty, shitty feeling. I know that I have built up all these protections, so his lack of emotional empathy is more than tolerable, it is A-OK because people and their real emotions are frightening and overwhelming and even a little disgusting to me....

But somehow I feel fine with all of that. You're right, I don't know how to really be in a loving relationship, and up to now that's been just fine. And it will probably go on being just fine, because I don't want more, or at least, don't think I want more.

But I shouldn't be treated like crap, either. What the hell happened to me?

January 21, 2008
12:52 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi lettingo,

I was in counseling for two years. I don't believe I am classic codep, as I am not controlling and do not have unhealthy boundaries with anyone else in my life. I don't do things I am not comfortable doing, don't seek to earn other people's approval through being kind or doing favors, and I am not passive-aggressive. EVER. I am very aware of my behavior in all aspects except this one. I also think the label "codep" can be misleading and hurtful and kind of, blaming the victim mentality. IF I really did have trouble in other aspects of my life, I might agree with you that I have a general behavioral problem I need to work on - but I have done the work, I have made great changes in my self and my life, I just can't seem to get beyond this one.

I hope i am not coming across as angry at you, that isn't my intent. It's just that, I don't think I am codep about anything else in my life. I read "Codependent No More" and it really did not resonate with me - that just isn't who I am. But I do think you are right - it is a common problem and it is comfortable, and I would rather be comfortably uncomfortable than break up with him. But see, I would even disagree that I *KNOW* I need to leave. I don't know it. If I really knew it, wouldn't I do it? I am not weak except when it comes to him.

I appreciate your support and your post. I really need some help to get through this.

No permission to create posts
Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
57 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 108548

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38531

Posts: 714172

Newest Members:

CHIRPfwr, Hahatone_Rus, davidwcbbq, Tammyanose, Prohortothe, KitchenAidqdp

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer