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Why are we so afraid...
June 7, 2005
11:53 am
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kc30
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...to let go? It seems we hang on because we are afraid...what are we so afraid of?

It's a hard question.

I'm afraid it's my fault...there is something wrong with me, and that this failed because I am defective, and the only way I will be ok and not defective is if he decides I'm worth fighting for.

Self-esteem I guess...or lack of it keeps me scared. I don't believe in myself.

Make sense?

kc

June 7, 2005
11:58 am
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lollipop3
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you hit the nail on the head for me.

Lolli

June 7, 2005
11:59 am
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2bstrong
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Yes kc, makes a lot of sense.

For me, I am afraid that I will never find anyone like "him" again. That has always been my fear. It still is.

I beginning to see with all of my therapy and reading that it is not my fault. But my self-esteem is really low. That is my question: how do we learn to love and like ourselves? Did I like myself before this relationship? Probably not or else I wouldn't have compromised my needs. How can we begin to believe in ourselves? For me it isn't a matter of material independence, I have my own home, I cut my own grass, pay my own bills. Always have.

I admire those who love themselves.

June 7, 2005
12:40 pm
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kc30
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2b- I used to feel that way about my husband- it was just HIM. It's been depressing to realize that I had idealized him into something that he isn't and probably never was, although he may have wanted to be.

I thought he was the most amazing man I had ever met. Truly...I thought he had everything I could ever want, and even when he cheated on me, I couldn't let go of that idealized version of him. I miss that guy. I miss who I thought he was. I'm sad to see how far from that man he really is.

I think everything comes down to exactly what you said...loving myself and believing in myself. Believing I will find someone even better because I am good and worthy.

I am trying to learn who I am...what interests me...what do I enjoy? I didn't really know before. I enjoyed everything he enjoyed. But mostly, I just enjoyed him. I never thought about me. Only him. I just loved being with him...whatever we did was fine by me.

Now, I'm figuring out what brings me little traces of joy. Like gardening. I like gardening! It's something I can do for me and I feel good about doing it. And running. And cooking.

It just feels a little hollow sometimes...I bake something really really good...and there is nobody there to say "Wow, that's awesome!" which is what I crave- approval and admiration.

That's what I miss a lot of...that feeling of being special...being validated...being approved of...being loved and appreciated. I'm trying to recognize when I feel like I need those things, and give it to myself, but it's not the same yet.

I guess a lifetime of external validation-seeking behaviours can't be undone in a few months.

It's in me somehow...the power to be better and to get on with my life, but it seems to take awhile to tap into it...very very very slow sometimes.

kc

June 7, 2005
12:53 pm
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tracylyn
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Being scared comes from not being secure within yourself enough to know and to trust that we are strong enough and very capable enough of being on our own.

We don't believe in ourselves enough that we worry what people think of us.

Our self esteem isn't high enough to know that we will find someone else and if not, we will be fine on our own.

We don't love ourselves enough to see that we are lovable and what's happening is only for moment in our lives.

Our confidence is shot because someone kicked us down and we don't realize our own strength so we get scared of what's out there...can we handle it?

We have that scared child in us still that needs to heal and know that she is lovable.

We don't always accept that we do have fault and that it's ok and that people will like us anyway.

We forget sometimes that we can be happy and at peace being alone. That no one else will ever make us whole so we are afraid that we are walking around half empty.

We haven't forgiven ourselves or others for our wrongs so we fear that others will not forgive us.

We are afraid of letting go because we are afraid of the unknown.

t

June 7, 2005
12:55 pm
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kc30
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thanks t- I was hoping you'd pop in on this one.

I'm feeling glum. It'll pass...

kc

June 7, 2005
1:00 pm
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CAMER
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afraid of being alone...with myself....and finding out more about me, its always the chaos in my life that keeps my life going. I guess facing your fears is a good thing, you find out so much more about yourself.

June 7, 2005
3:11 pm
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Hey kc - gotta tell ya that this one hits home for me right now.

I had a court date last week with my ex on the back child support. I got a judgment against him for $15,000.

He now says I'm a liar, I'm in denial about my life and that I'm sick. He says I went behind his back to do this....HELLOOO, he's the one that filed the orignal motion..not me!!

We have not lived together since January of 2000. The divorce was final May 19, 2003. I think I've told you before that he stopped showing up for court for months so I eventually was granted the divorce without him. He now says he can't trust me and that he is going to take this back to court and have the divorce overturned and get custody of our kids and blah, blah, blah

He is now blaming me for everything that is wrong in his life and says he's never lied and he was a wonderful husband and it's all crap.

Anyway, there's a whole lot more to it but I wanted to point our here that years ago, his ranting would have terrified me. I would have begged him not to do this and on and on and on...I would have had panic attacks and been worried sick.

Now, I could care less. I know I've done nothing wrong. All I did was protect my kids should he be thrown in Federal Prison. All I did was ask the courts for the support that was owed, nothing more. He's calling me a liar and I know I'm not. He's saying I'm sick and in denial and I know I'm not.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me!!!

I am no longer afraid. I believe in myself (most of the time) enough so that his scare tactics dont work.

He told me these things in e-mail. I wrote him back and simply stated that if he needed to blame me then that was fine because his words and what he thinks of me no longer affect who I am.

We can all get there.....it's just a matter of believing in ourselves and believing that our higher power has a hand in all this too. Let go and let God.

t

June 7, 2005
3:51 pm
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Amazed
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Or are we afraid because of unknowns? Are we afraid because we don't know what it will be like without them? Are we afriad we won't find another one? Are we afraid to be alone?

But aren't we also afraid to jump out of an airplane? Are we afraid of the dark? Are we afraid of looking over a tall building or riding that rollercoaster? Eventually they are tried by someone and along the way someone can tell us of the thrill of that experience. They were afraid too, until they tried it.

It's always hard the first time - the first jump from the plane, the first walk in the dark but eventually after you have tried it a couple of times it's not so bad. BUT everything I have pointed out here is a CHOICE you decide for yourself! Not one that someone does for you. It's not fun if you stand in the door of the airplane and they push you out - or if someone turns the lights off on you.

What concerns me is when someone chooses to make you afraid. Someone who takes their friendship or love away or pushes it on you. One who has grown comfortable using it (love and friendship)to hurt.

So I suggest you look things that make YOU afraid right in the eye and learn about it - try it - or work on it until you aren't afraid but used to what it is. Become comfortable with what happens and use your experiences to overcome it.

Don't allow those who use their learned skills to make you afraid and hold you hostage to their games. Learn from that as well and develop the skills to neutralize them when they happen. Don't blame anyone for being scared. Go out there and face them head on!!!!!

June 7, 2005
3:58 pm
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Cici
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Consider this.

What would you have left to obsess about/ruminate about/worry about if you let go?

Obviously - yourself and your own issues.

June 7, 2005
4:24 pm
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Thanks Amazed - I needed those words today.

t

June 7, 2005
4:38 pm
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jc_lady
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I feel like if I loosen my grip on my husband I will lose him. He says it is the opposite but I just can't seem to let go. I am scared to death of losing him.

June 8, 2005
7:28 am
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kc30
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t- sounds like you're on another ride with the ex, but as always, you appear to be the picture of composure and rationality. So it's all your fault again, is it? Yes, it's always that way when we set boundaries isn't it? He'll cycle back out, but you know that! How wonderful that his threats no longer impact you. my stbx used to subtly threaten me all the time, and he would scare the hell out of me.

Over time, I've learned that he's just a lot of talk, with NO action behind that talk. It was always to manipulate.

jclady- sounds like you are living in total fear and I feel so badly for you! You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. I've been there and it was pure agony...so afraid of losing my husband. Then, I did and guess what! I survived. Not only survived, but am actually doing better mentally/spiritually than I ever did when I was with him.

Maybe we are just afraid that we can't handle the "unknown"? I've found that, for myself, ever since I just started trusting that whatever God throws my way, I can handle, my life has been healthier and more serene.

Every bad thing that comes my way, I've learned to say "God wouldn't do this if I couldn't handle it" so I just trust that somehow it will work out in my best interest.

Before though...when my husband would threaten me with court, custody battle etc, I would freak out and think I couldn't handle it if I lost my house, car, kids, so I'd try to control the outcome so that wouldn't happen, which was nuts because that meant trying to control what HE would do. I was constantly obsessing over him and how I could outmanauver him so he wouldn't do what I didn't want him to do. (sound familiar anyone?)

I don't do that anymore...I just sort of say "Ok...whatever comes down the line, I'll deal with it" and try to let it go.

I'm so glad because none of my "fears" ever came to life, and I stopped worrying about what might happen and started just dealing with what was happening. Imagine if I had spent all these months stressing out about it! What a waste of time that would have been!

Hey...maybe that means if I'm afraid I'll be alone forever, never find anyone better, I need to just let go of that and trust that God (of your own understanding) has only good things lined up for me? I can stop being scared, give it to Him, and just get on with my life, and leave it to him to figure out?

hmmm....

kc

June 8, 2005
7:37 am
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peacesoul
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Kc....you are also in a tougher situation in that you have 2 kids and one on the way. I also would be afraid. You have lots to contend with, but you are doing such a beautiful job.

Fear (afraid) is the base of all actions. It's not wrong or incorrect to be afraid. Being afraid works for us, b/c it forces us to heal, face things, and become better/fuller human souls.

I was once so severly depressed and a friend said to me "THIS IS GREAT NEWS"...I was like "WHAT", I wanted to yell at her. But she said "No listen, being despressed and afraid will move you into the next step of your life and the universe will ALWAYS force us to face fears to help us grow"

You ever notice how we always come face to face with what we fear the most. That's the universe's way of helping us grow.

Kc...go easy on yourself, you have a lot on your plate and are handling this like a true soldier

🙂

June 8, 2005
4:13 pm
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Cici
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People are like sand. The harder you try to hold on, the faster it slips through your fingers.

Martial Arts masters are said to be able to hold a butterfly in their hand, punch through a board, and open their hand and let the butterfly float away....

June 8, 2005
5:54 pm
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on my way
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CiCi...or a velvet rock.
Strong on the outside, sensitive and tender on the inside.

June 8, 2005
7:53 pm
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balancesekr
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I am afraid of getting hurt, opening up truly to someone and really falling in love.

I am not afraid to be alone. I have been alone. I feel I don't know how to be with someone and believe and trust in them.

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