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Why are so many of us scared to be alone?
November 14, 2001
5:00 pm
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Britney
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I was just scanning the threads and I noticed that many of us are in relationships that make us unhappy and admit to being scared to be alone. I am another one who is scared to be alone. How can we truly be happy with someone else if we aren't happy with ourselves?
I wish I had the courage to go alone.

November 14, 2001
6:01 pm
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gypsygirl
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I think that we are taught from birth that we are supposted to be with someone, we are supposted to grow up, get married, have kids, etc. We think that we are not worth anything if we are single. Do not look at being single as a punishment, look at it as if it were a time out from life. A time to look within and see your true self. Embrace the time alone and find out what you are truly afraid of. Think higher than that primative creature that we are brought up to be. Be more than the cave woman that brestsfeeds the babies while the caveman hunts for food.

Many of us stay with people who are not right for us because it satisfies the immediate need to feel loved, if someone else loves us than we do not have to try so hard to love ourselves. If someone esle can see good in me than I must not be all bad. We all have sacrificed something to stay with someone who wasn't quite right, because it was easier. We think "I can learn to love this person. He is so nice to me, he treats me good, he is worth a try even if I am not attracted to him, or do not see a future with this person." WE grow up thinking the way our parents taught us to think, then we get old enough to be interested in the oppositite sex and bamm! We change ourselves to be what we think that other person wants us to be, meanwhile never truly admiting to ourselves that "wait... I am forgetting to put myself first" Eventually most of us realize this and fight like hell to find out who we are, It gets harder the older you get. It is so easy for us to stay in our own comfort zone of being someones barbie doll. It is not so easy to stand up and announce to the world "I am a real boy" I am not my parents puppet anymore. I am not my S.O.'s puppet. No matter what, we will always seek out the puppet master. And why would'nt we? We have been doing it all of our lives. It takes alot of undoing, It is a long and winding road. But in the end it is worth it. You will be able to say "I have conquered the most challenging advesary, myself". Keep fighting the urge to settle and look to us for support.

November 14, 2001
6:17 pm
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Ladeska
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I think it originates from poor self esteem, which is something that should form in you - considering you have a healthy environment, healthy family unit around you. But - then there's "life" and it can be quite different.

At some point, we give into - what others project upon us, or we just never grow out of our dependent narcissistic stage because - that's the way we like it.

If there is nothing written on your screen about who you are, what your boundaries are, what your goals are, what your own self knowledge and awareness is, how to communicate this in a real pro-active way - then you are open for anyone to "write on you" what they want because of what they need from you at the time. You're basically - a door mat and will attract people to you that will use you.

Charmers, dreamers, schemeres, manipulators, con-men, con-women, bullies, etc., etc....will come knocking on your door - all parading to be something quite different because they've learned to put on the facade of whatever floats your boat - long enough to get what they want. Confuse, diffuse, scapegoat, blame, avoid, deflect, shame, wear down...all tactics of people who "feed on others". So, if you look like food - you will become food for these people.

We're afraid to be alone because we don't consider ourself to be a worthy person. An unworthy person has to assume the identify of someone else because they are in a close relationship with "them". So, they feel quite lost without that scenario going on. So, the responsibility falls on this other person to tell them who they are or who they're not. That might not be so bad - in the right hands...at least pleasant for a time, right? But, what about when it falls in the hands of someone who tears you down, uses you, abuses you, plays endless mindgames with you? Then what? But, they feel like they can because - you gave up your right to your own personhood. Without them - you are nothing. So, they disrespect you right off the bat for that.

Not wanting to be alone - is really about hiding from ourself, not wanting to get to know who we are because we're just so sure - we will find even more incriminating evidence that we should hate ourselves. Otherwise - we wouldn't mind being alone at times, we'd know that we are picky about who "we select" not who selects us (that's very backwards) and we'd be content to select those certain people as they come along - to gain entrance a little at a time into our lives as WE check THEM out.

We'd have spent time getting to know who we are, working on faults, acknowledging weaknesses and wanting to grow, but at the same time - acknowledging strengths and finding something new about ourselves all the time because we put ourselves in that learning curve - challenging our thinking, asking questions, exploring life. We are an interesting person - to our own self. Life is good because - we make our living zone - interesting and it doesn't have to include - someone else. If they come along - fine. If they happen to compliment us - even better.

Too often - we are just shallow people, barely growing past infancy and yet in an adult body. Not growing spiritually, intellectually or emotionally and we look for someone to constantly feed us with an ego boost. Trouble is - most of what you'll get is - them using you....

Regardless of what happened growing up and believe me - I understand the meaning of the phrase - I was raised by wolves...(my life story) But, in spite of that - we can start where we are and rise above. We can become someone worthy of good companionship. We can become a person that doesn't need someone else telling us - who we are as in - relation to them and what we do for them. That only equates to - when they are done with us - we are crap, just like they found us - right? That's what they think and that's what a user will tell you.

Good self awareness, self esteem begins with - facing the mirror instead of running from it. It begins with being responsibile for what you find there and wanting to see the - balanced picture, not just the pictures interpreted by the tapes in your head.

Not wanting to be alone and being with people who leave nothing but misery in our lives - is because we are avoiding this process.

November 14, 2001
6:56 pm
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>> "How can we truly be happy with someone else if we aren't happy with ourselves?" < < exactly, right on target

November 14, 2001
6:59 pm
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artist 2
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Being alone is hard-ass work! You have to face your demons all by yourself. Many of us USE people and relationships as distractions from the work. The work is good, be glad when you begin it, and happy with yourself when you defeat your demons. But, it's hard as HE-double toothpicks.

November 14, 2001
7:38 pm
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silence
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Not a problem here. I've been alone most of my life. In fact I hate it now when my family tries to get close to me. Sure, I'd like to have a significant other in my life... but, seomthing inside of me tells me that I'll end up hating her within time because I'm so used to being alone.

November 14, 2001
7:40 pm
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Britney
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Thanks people. I too agree that it stems from low self-esteem---something I didn't think I suffered from until I realized that I look to other people for self-worth. I let other people, no matter who they are, determine my value and I believe it!! If I am well-liked (which I struggle to be), I think I'm a worthwhile person. I was encouraged as a child and I feel I was loved. My father had a terrible anger problem which he took out on my mother mostly (not in a physical way) and my mother played the peacekeeper-or tried to-, overprotecting me in most cases. Everything was kept from dad and ALL efforts were in place to ensure nothing happened to upset him. For the most part, I hardly ever spoke in his presence because I was too afraid he would flip.Throwing things across a room, particularly his dinner plate, was common. To this day, I can't stand to hear arguing and fighting and even loud noises bother me. None of us ever discuss it except to say that dad had a temper and absolutely NO patience. I knew I always hated it but I was taught to believe that there are always people in the world who have it worse and to count my blessings. It's only now...at 38 years of age...I can say that I really wish things had been different. I feel he loved me but I wish I could have had a more relaxed childhood. I wish my mother's life had been easier. Never, before or since, have I seen anyone who could just lose it so QUICKLY has him.

I have to say I have never seen anything like this website. Everyone is so helpful and eager to encourage. It's absolutely wonderful. Thanks

November 14, 2001
7:49 pm
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Britney
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As an extra note, after having read what I have written, I can't describe how guilty I feel for having admitted that. I feel like I'm letting someone down by telling on a huge secret. There is so much incest, physical violence,etc. going on in the world. My father worked very hard all his life and, truly, I know I could have had it much worse. Writing these words was difficult enough. I can't imagine saying them.

November 14, 2001
9:31 pm
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silence
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That's true. But you have to remember that it's a harder fall to the ground the higher up you are. For some reason it's a bit tougher when you have so many things go right in your life and then have everything destroyed than it is to always be beaten down constantly.

November 14, 2001
9:34 pm
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thats fine Britney, no need to feel guilty! you did the right thing by expressing yourself, and opening your mind :). dont be afraid to do that. i know too that pepole have had worse, but every person is in his own hell and to him, it looks the worst! specially when you have low self-esteem, you feel everyone else is enjoying while ur the one whose suffering.
the final aim is to get to a point when you dont have to compare yourself to people below you, to feel better about yourself. otherwise, its easy for you to feel if you get used to comparing urself to everyone and u compare to people who appear better than you.
the aim is to accept urself for who you are.
keep writing and expressing yourself!

November 15, 2001
12:02 pm
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Ladeska
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Britney....I read what you wrote about your Dad, family, and I knew immediately that you were going to feel this, even before I read the next posting from you. I say that - not because you "should" feel guilty for being such a bad girl and telling this - but because this is the posturing you've been conditioned to assume.

I could see in your writing that you wanted to minimize things, even as you were telling us how it was... We are so conditioned and don't even realize - where it came from or why. Buttons get pushed and we respond.

There is no excuse for his behavior and it doesn't matter if he did put a roof over your head and worked hard doing it. That's what he's supposed to do for his wife and children. To go along with this thinking is to say - because he gave you something material - then he has now bought and paid for the right to be abusive towards you. Wrong.

You lived in a realm of fear in your household....because he was a tyrant. Period. And to speak it now - is okay. To have said it then - probably would have put you in quite a bit of danger, but now - you can most definitely speak and especially here. This is a safe place for that. And you need to do it for your own mental and emotional health.

Your mother enabled him, too. Not to say she was this bad person. She probably didn't know what to do and that was back in an era where - women didn't get any support at all concerning these things. You just grin and bear it.

Not to say times are alot different, but wrong is wrong and we need to speak up and to get healing for ourselves. So, acknowledge that you feel guilt about it, but also know - you were trained to do this. Trained to feel more about - how "he" was - than how you are doing... Time for that to stop and it might as well start now. (smile)

And also.....just because you can always point to someone else "who had it worse than you" - doesn't mean that what happened to you isn't bad and had it's effect on you. To apply that equation then - we could say - well....this person beat me up, but it wasn't that bad, he did feed me really well beforehand and bought me a nice car and some people I know have been beaten and tortured, so I guess it wasn't really all that bad...

See where I am going with this?

But, you've been conditioned to think and react this way. I'm sure your mother helped with that from what she would say to you guys. You hear that day in and day out and guess what - it becomes your default thinking until....you get to this present moment and you go - wait a minute...

So...here we are... It's time for you to grow, time for you to heal, time for "truth" and for you to not be afraid of it. Being in denial, hiding in the dark with all this - is something to be afraid of. It's time to come out into the open air and realize - you have right to speak, you have a right to receive as much light and truth into your own life - so you can heal. It's never too late, I don't care how old you are.

Glad you are here and glad you are willing to care about yourself....enough time has been spent worrying about how others feel - namely - your father. And no, it isn't selfishness on your part. It's called self preservation and it's necessary. Please continue to talk here....(smile)

November 15, 2001
4:49 pm
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pam g fu
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WE ALL HAVE BEEN IN YOUR PLACE SOME WHERE IN TIME. I AM THERE RIGHT NOW I WOULD BE HAPPIER BY MYSELF THAN IN THE SITUATION I AM IN NOW AND I KNOW THAT I AM A GOOD PERSON. SOME OF US JUST LIKE COMPANY WHETHER IT IS GOOD OR BAD

November 15, 2001
4:53 pm
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Britney
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Thanks Ladeska and everyone....
I still feel guilty and, to be honest, I can't believe I wrote that. My intention is not to cast blame but to state the facts. Simply and purely

November 15, 2001
6:03 pm
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Ladeska
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Sweetie....um, guess I'm confused about something here though. If you saw a person attack someone on the side of the road - and you went into the police station and told them what you saw....would you be blaming them for hurting that other person?

Or, would you just be stating facts?

And how is it different?

...(smile) trying to help you work through this...stay in the ring...

getting to that clearing in the grass where you can stand and finally be "valid" with your hurts and anger and rage and pain....isn't an easy place to get to. But, it is a necessary place. And if you don't come to now - you will - sooner or later. Hopefully for you - it will be sooner....

November 15, 2001
7:02 pm
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Britney
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I see your point. I think what I am saying is I don't want to be bitter towards him. I don't want to feel anger. It would have been nice to have had a conversation with him --just once in a lifetime but communication was definitely not in the cards. I just don't see any point in blaming him...in truth, he lost out on as much as I did. You would hardly think it to be possible that two people could live under the same roof and not say two words to each other in many many months. It does help to talk about it but it is going to take some work on my part to shake the guilt I feel admitting it.
Excuse me, I have to go hug my inner child....smile

Brit

November 15, 2001
9:44 pm
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Ladeska
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Well, bitter is a nasty little pill, true enough, but it happens when.....we don't give due time to our real anger and label it what it is and let it pass through us...without stopping it at all these checkpoints and going....oh, my, this is bad that I'm this evil - blaming him, etc., etc. Bitter is a result of that righteous anger - sitting and stewing and becoming poison and fungus inside us. It's a natural process that has to happen here.

I understand....I really do, but you have to wrestle your demons right to the ground in order to be - really free. Otherwise, they will just circle around, disguise themselves and jump on you with both feet. If you are to heal - you to heal - via truth. And truth dictates that the person who did the offense - wear it, not the victim.

November 17, 2001
1:22 pm
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gypsygirl
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I can relate to the phone thing

November 18, 2001
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gypsygirl
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I could use a cop right now. I hope he brings his night stick and gun with him

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