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Why are relationships so hard?
April 24, 2007
8:23 am
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lonely and addicted
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First of all, I am new here.
Second, I need some help. I have been going out with this guy for 6-7 weeks and I can't stop thinking about him. He has been very nice to me and I can tell that he likes me but when we are not together it drives me crazy. I am afraid I am going to get hurt and I totally despise feeling like crap about all of this. We have 'date night' on Wednesdays and that is all I can think of. We usually get together on Saturdays but he will have his daughter that night this week and I will go there Sunday after my kids go to their dad's, why can't I be satisfied?

April 24, 2007
1:35 pm
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StronginHim77
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So many of us -- because of our wounded childhoods in which we experienced rejection and abandonment -- look to a MAN to be our center, our comfort, our security and our reason for living. This is the ESSENCE of any woman's codependence.

I am in my fifties, but struggling with the same issues. Having worked through nearly a year of therapy, I still went out a remarried...ANOTHER abuser. A man who was not emotionally available to me.

Now, I feel the grief, the panic, the anxiety of being alone again. (I had to leave his house to preserve my sanity.) And I know it is because I have looked for a MAN to fill the ache, the void in me...to be my justification for existence...since I was an abused child, entering womanhood.

This is probably the case with you. You NEED more than this man is willing, ready or able to give. He is content with the "status quo" of seeing you on a fairly relaxed basis. If you are sexually intimate with him, this could be devastating to you because you need so much more. You want a 24/7 committed relationship with an emotionally available man. MARRIAGE to someone who loves and appreciates you and wants you around on a daily basis.

If this man is not meeting your needs, cut the cord and move on. There are alot of other fish in the sea.

But I would also suggest that you seek out some healing and recovery for YOURSELF...as I have had to do. It isn't a quick fix or an instant cure-all, but you WILL feel better and that is so important. You will grow stronger, emotionally...less "needy." "Neediness" will drive away an emotionally healthy man, even as it attracts unhealthy men.

Keep posting. We are here for you.

- Ma Strong

April 24, 2007
5:08 pm
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lonely and addicted
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I am 37 and have three children, me being a mess isn't good for anything. Yes, I have been sexually active with him, I even told him that was a danger way before we ever had sex because of an emotional attatchment.....I had decided to be totally honest with this man, no games, no secrets. (well maybe a few) šŸ™‚ How can I just let it go without seeing if there is a future? Most men don't talk about their feelings, so I am just confused over it. He hasn't led me to believe he doesn't like me, it's just my own s***. Is this all about codependancy??????

April 24, 2007
6:26 pm
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StronginHim77
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The panic and neediness you feel, as well as the willingness to jump into bed with him before you've even gotten to really know him,are all part of codependency. I am not throwing stones at you. I have done the exact same thing.

A healthy relationship should not involve panic, fear, anxiety, etc.

Those are red flags that something is wrong. I hope you will find a CODA group in your area. Also, get a copy of CODEPENDENT NO MORE by Melody Beatty. (spelling?)

It is the BIBLE on codependency and may help you in this time of self-discovery and your quest for understanding.

And keep posting. We are here for each other.

- Ma Strong

April 25, 2007
8:24 am
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lonely and addicted
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I went to a Church meeting last night and I feel better right now. The thing I wonder is how long that will last, I work today and tonight is date night.....hmmmm, I think I have my own doubts about this man and sometimes I ignore them thinking, "maybe he is the one and I am just petrified". All these maybes, maybe I am over reacting, maybe he does accept me for who and what I am, he sure knows alot about me. I had all kinds of anxiety yesterday and when I talked to him I told him I was stressed, he just told me to go to my "gossip" meeting and I will feel better. It wasn't a gossip meeting but I sure felt better. I have never understood men, do they feel or not???? Why can't I just have fun and if it works it works, if not well, his loss????? Sleeping with this man gave me a feeling I have not had for a long time, he does accept that I don't always want to or can't and he and just holds me, I don't get the feeling it is just for sex. Is this a false sense of security?? The what if's, no one has answers and that makes me mad!!!!!
Last night we talked about the fact that our own problem was the same as at least 1,000 different people, wow! I am liking this board and hope that I can get to know everyone that comes here!
I am going to find that book, thanks for that piece of advice.

THANK YOU

April 25, 2007
9:04 am
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atalose
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Welcome lonely,

It sounds like you are falling too hard and fast for this guy. Slow it down, slow down your thinking ahead and enjoy the here and now. That's what dating is all about. Us Codies tend to throw the dating part away and want that committment or marriage right away. And that is false security and only leads to brining us further anxiety and stress.

If you are only seeing him once a week, maybe twice that means you've only been out with him 5 or 6 times and your getting yourself all upset and filled with anxiety instead of taking it for exactly what it is, dating. Sleeping with him is an emotional committment for you but maybe not for him. The chance of scaring him off with needy behavior at this stage is something you need to really get under control.

When we think too far ahead, plan to far ahead it takes away from enjoying today and getting to know the other person. When we invest to much to quickly we are bound to lose.

Try and just enjoy getting to know this man and not be planning your future based on a handful of dates.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 25, 2007
6:40 pm
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lonely and addicted
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I have been seeing him at least 3 times a week, it's this week that is difeerent. I'd love to take your advice and not show him that needy side, HOW???? I have come to these boards to chat with people who know how I am feeling, hoping I can just vent here. I know that sleeping with him is an emotional committment and I told him that too.....men. I also told him that I knew that men don't tend to feel that way....blah blah blah. I am babbleing. I will let you know how my date goes tonight, I will put a big smile on my face after I scream first šŸ™‚ That control word....it always comes up, I wonder why.

April 25, 2007
7:52 pm
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atalose
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LOL yes control is the key along with stopping those impulses that cause us to react before we think things through.
Learn your needy side, get in touch with those feelings and begin to use logic instead of emotion to get them under control. For me I stop and think where is this coming from and usualy I find myself some where in my past instead of the present. I had to keep reminding myself I was not with my ex that the person I was with in the present was not like my ex and I needed to put those thoughts back where they belonged.
I hope your date goes well, please do let us know. And this is a good place to vent, yell, scream and let loose!!!

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 25, 2007
10:30 pm
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readyforachange
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lonely and addicted...

I have a thread here called, "Why am I obsessing about this New Relationship?" I recently ended a relationship with a guy I was seeing for 3-4 months, but at the beginning I was totally obsessed with him and needed his attention constantly. I agree with StrongInHim when she says that we all have that fear of abandonment and rejection. We have that need for people to like us and want to be with us. It is SOOOO hard, but you need to slow down, occupy your time with other things, and try not to obsess. It's hard...read that thread I mentioned.

April 25, 2007
11:33 pm
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lonely and addicted
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Well, the date went good. I was so proud of myself!!!!! I did not control any part of tonight or make any clingy comments!!!! We just went to dinner and to pick up some machine thing for his work, boring I know but hey, I didn't babble the whole time either šŸ™‚ I was acting like a grown up. One day at a time right? Sunday evening seems to be forever away. I have to go to bed, work is too early tomorrow.

ready for a change....
I read your first post awhile ago, I really need to read more but like you said I need time to do that.
Thank you

April 27, 2007
8:18 am
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lonely and addicted
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It is Friday and I woke up this morning thinking of him. I am going to make it a goal today to not call him. He either calls me or I call him on his drive home from work. I think it is his turn. I am clinging and I think of nothing else. I was so good at our late date but somehow I can't get this crap out of my mind. I have a great life otherwise, sometimes I just wish I would have never started, but I am trying to step out of my box and look what happens....I am a wreck and too proud to show it. Our next "get together" is Sunday after my kids go to their dad's. In my mind I don't want a man to control me or my emotions and am very firm on that. Stupid me, it is happening, where is my personality and thought process...I am weak.

April 27, 2007
12:59 pm
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fantas
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L&L, I think relationships are hard because they help us look at ourselves so that we can painfully axtract all those habits that have stopped helping us grow. I think you are doing really well. Do you see see a therapist? I think your fear of abandonment started somewhere in your childhood which is where you might need to start inorder to get a a better handle oof your emotions. keep coming back...

April 27, 2007
3:50 pm
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lonely and addicted
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Yes I see a therapist, for years actually. I also have high anxiety and depression. Meds for sure. It's probobly all in my head and yes that abandonment thing has been talked about. Many, many, times. If i'd ever just listen and quit analyzing maybe i'd be ok

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