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Why are Men Afraid To Commit?
January 23, 2005
5:53 am
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on my way
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Sew, another thought about the definitions, you mentioned the word freedom. So commitment could also be about feeling free to be in confinement, feeling free to be a prisoner of love, feeling free to be married. Freedom and commitment go hand in hand.

What you wrote is very interesting!

January 23, 2005
7:18 am
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JohnMurphy
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"All right, now I am satisfied with how I view this commitment issue. Been wondering WHY it has been bugging me so."

It looks like you are preparing an essay for your doctorate. As you experience your stomach, your issues about commitment and men might clarify.

January 23, 2005
7:27 am
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Annual Meeting of Single, Good looking, Straight, Emotionally-Stable, Financially-Secure, Intelligent Men Looking for a Long-Term Commitment:

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives.....ngleMen.jp g ( remove space between '.jp' and 'g' )

Ed adds a hint about the picture: "the ones who are willing to make the commitment are typically not single."

I am single, therefore...

January 23, 2005
7:37 am
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"Also,that sex enters into this question. That may be part of the why or the wherefore."

Yes. Choices usually entail a lot of drama:

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives.....ectMale.jp g ( remove space between '.jp' and 'g' )

January 23, 2005
8:44 am
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Wow, I go away for a couple of days and miss a lot!

I think men can commit, but sex is not their way of expressing it. For a woman, giving away her body is. A man expresses this by doing what he says he will do, by not seeing other women, and by tolerating waht he finds intelerable--ie: talking about feelings.

John Murphy, is this pretty accurate?

January 23, 2005
10:28 am
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sewunique
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'Morning all,

Looks like I took a hit on this one, hey? Like I am preparing for my doctorate? I did say this was bothering me and the only way it seems to work it out was to go this way. Workin's word usage just did not fit right with me. Putting feelings aside, getting into the true meanings of these two words solved my confusion. Just giving justification to your comment on my response because, John, that was an "ouch".

Sew/C

January 23, 2005
10:37 am
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JohnMurphy
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'Just giving justification to your comment on my response because, John, that was an "ouch".'

You may proceed with your 'ouch' feelings, welcome and celebrate them, right away.

Read about the process at: http://www.seykota.com/tribe/T...../index.htm and http://www.seykota.com/tribe/G...../index.htm

Active growth is usually not comfortable as it entails encouraging the 'sender' ( the one who's sharing his/her feelings ) to experience the set of feelings they don't like, until they start to like their feelings and see their positive intention.

January 23, 2005
10:49 am
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JohnMurphy
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"I think men can commit, but sex is not their way of expressing it. For a woman, giving away her body is. A man expresses this by doing what he says he will do, by not seeing other women, and by tolerating waht he finds intelerable--ie: talking about feelings.

John Murphy, is this pretty accurate?"

So as to clarify your thinking and your intentions you might try re-writing your message in SVO-p:

http://www.seykota.com/tribe/T...../index.htm
and
http://www.seykota.com/tribe/G...../index.htm

January 23, 2005
10:52 am
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sewunique
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JM,

I saw the annual meeting of the single men. Your picture was not there! Did you just happen to miss the meeting? šŸ˜‰

"Ed adds a hint about the picture: "the ones who are willing to make the commitment are typically not single."

I am single, therefore... "

Sorry I did not see that statement from Ed when I went to that page. Perhaps that clarifies your wavering to this topic?

By that I mean;

In your first comment, you said;
"I feel I am not afraid to commit with the woman I am not afraid of."

You cause confusion to your comments. Are you playing with the words here, or what? I am very interested in your response.

Sew/C

January 23, 2005
10:58 am
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JohnMurphy
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'Just giving justification to your comment on my response because, John, that was an "ouch".'

The difference between reasoning out feelings and experiencing them is much like the difference between reasoning out the feeling to kiss and kissing.

January 23, 2005
11:03 am
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JohnMurphy
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"I saw the annual meeting of the single men. Your picture was not there! Did you just happen to miss the meeting? šŸ˜‰

Ed adds a hint about the picture: "the ones who are willing to make the commitment are typically not single."

Ed's comment is his Trading Tribe FAQ. In the Tribe Tribe we hold that everybody gets what they want.

Yes, I am not in the picture and I am single, therefore...

( hint: maybe it's time for me to experience my feelings about women and commitment )

January 23, 2005
11:17 am
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sewunique
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Mornin' JM,

"The difference between reasoning out feelings and experiencing them is much like the difference between reasoning out the feeling to kiss and kissing. "

Ah, but WHY does the kissing feel good? And other times it does not with this one or that one?

There we can go right back to sorting out the feelings issue!

We're still at the 50/50 here.

Thank you for your hint. As now I 'feel' more comfortable with this discussion.

Sew/C

January 23, 2005
11:21 am
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JohnMurphy
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"Ah, but WHY does the kissing feel good? And other times it does not with this one or that one?"

Typically it does not feel good when it's not good. You might experience the disgust right away and gain insight about the situation.

January 23, 2005
11:53 am
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sewunique
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JM,

I am keenly aware of why it feels good or not. I was asking your view.

For me, it comes down to chemistry. But before that, amd this is important, it takes mutual interest and respect. If the criteria are a comfortable fit, and the chemistry is there, then all else can fit together.

Just for argument's sake, let's add commitment to it. What kind of commitment? What does commitment mean to each person? Are you/ he/she/they afraid to commit? Or are he/she free within themselves to commit?

So what is your resonse?

Sew/C

January 23, 2005
12:10 pm
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"For me, it comes down to chemistry. But before that, amd this is important, it takes mutual interest and respect. If the criteria are a comfortable fit, and the chemistry is there, then all else can fit together."

It looks like you need agreement to validate your 'awareness' about your issues.

Perhaps we can change roles you might 'encourage' me to experience the feelings I am not willing to. So let me start:

I like a girl and try to date her. After insisting a lot, I experience the feelings of rejection and realize she doesn't care and just shrugs me off. I see I can't do much about it other then 'cutting the loss short' and looking for new avenues.

Or I meet a female co-worker who's friendly, receptive and shows empathy. I keep talking to her, sharing my feelings, making compliments and we become great friends along the process. I wish to commit with someone like her, my best friend. In short, I hold the 'winners'. ( Not she tough as she's married. We're keeping it platonic. ).

I am single and therefore I feel I cannot do much other than commiting to my purpose of having a family of my own and keep myself open to 'opportunities'.

January 23, 2005
12:20 pm
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sewunique
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No, I do not need agreement to validate my feelings or thoughts on this. I have come to this point and feel comfortable with it. Perhaps you see it that I am seeking your approval? I am only trying to communicate back to your response. I am trying to share my thoughts with you, which I see you have added. Great!

January 23, 2005
12:27 pm
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JohnMurphy
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"I am only trying to communicate back to your response. I am trying to share my thoughts with you, which I see you have added. Great!"

Oh, I see. Perhaps you feel you need someone to talk, share your thoughts with.

January 23, 2005
12:30 pm
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sewunique
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So with this girl you are dating, she is not willing or able to commit. what esle is left for you, but to move on? Or, to remain in this relationship as it is, uncommitted, surperfical.

Or, you have a platonic realtionship, with a woman who is not able to commit; she is not 'free' to commit. You can remain with that relationship, which also would be superfical.

Neither relationships will give you what you are seeking. Unless you are willing to short change yourself and settle for less. Less than you want, less than you desreve, perhaps, evern less than you eexpect to recieve in either relationship.

"I am single and therefore I feel I cannot do much other than commiting to my purpose of having a family of my own and keep myself open to 'opportunities'. "

Your conclusion seems reasonable. Then be true to yourself, don't settle for less than your values and desires are! What else can you do, than to go forward and see what lies ahead for you?

January 23, 2005
12:33 pm
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sewunique
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"Oh, I see. Perhaps you feel you need someone to talk, share your thoughts with. "

Exactly.

Isn't that what life is about? Isn't that what makes relationships, freindships, by sharing with others?

January 23, 2005
12:35 pm
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sewunique
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Good question. Hence, one of the reasons I am here. Which I knew, but it is a might sad, isn't it? To be here, rather than having a real live conversation?

Sew/C

January 23, 2005
12:38 pm
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JohnMurphy
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I am not dating her. We just meet at work and we're great friends. I admit though that our relationship has come to a point where I feel frustrated about the whole matter.

I feel frustrated because it's a superficial relationship. She's not mine and as you say I am settling for 'less' than I deserve and want.

I think I don't even believe I can get what I 'deserve' and want. I stick to her as I was into an even worse emotional condition before knowing her...

January 23, 2005
12:40 pm
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JohnMurphy
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"Good question. Hence, one of the reasons I am here. Which I knew, but it is a might sad, isn't it? To be here, rather than having a real live conversation?"

Yes. This is very superficial...

January 23, 2005
12:42 pm
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I guess we're in the same boat...

January 23, 2005
12:48 pm
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sewunique
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It seems you realize where this situation is, you seem clear on that. Your words sound sad about this.

"I think I don't even believe I can get what I 'deserve' and want. I stick to her as I was into an even worse emotional condition before knowing her... "

......? unfinished thoughts lingering here?

This is important; that you don't believe. That you don't deserve what you can get what you want.

Yes, you can get what you want and deserve. You are quite intelligent and seem to have a lot going for you. This is without knowing much about you, personnally!

What is concerning to me, is that you state you were in a worse emtional state before you met her. Is this because of having the relationship with her presently that has helped you? Or has this come from yourself? These two questions are important. Do you know why?

Sew/C

January 23, 2005
12:56 pm
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sewunique
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100sp_Permalink sp_Print

These threads skip a lot when posting quickly and I just caught your above comments.

Want to go sailing? lol

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