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Why are Men Afraid To Commit?
January 22, 2005
1:31 pm
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JohnMurphy
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"If you wish to continue, I can do so. In the process I can receive and acknowledge my own feelings about the whole matter."

And hopefully you can do so with your own.

For instance, in the current course of this discussion, I would be naturally inclined to have an interest in Sew, get to know her better, and know the chances of a possible 'match'.

Sew, I know you would prefer all of this for real. You might consider though that as you celebrate and receive your feelings about commitment and men, you are likely to have them both.

January 22, 2005
1:35 pm
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JohnMurphy
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"However, in caution, I hope that sincerity is a consideration. You know how flaghtery can be misunderstood."

Yes! It feels good talking to you. It looks like you have common sense, know what you want and is willing to commit.

January 22, 2005
1:45 pm
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on my way
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Ummm, excuse me for popping in here, but since I asked the original question...Sew, as my friend, I have to tell you that, your positive, open spirit is a plus for all of us old dudes who are caught in our muchk at the moment. As we talked about earlier, you have a gift for rising above the muck so to speak, and that takes attitude and strength. Many men, I would think find this very refreshing and attractive.

January 22, 2005
1:46 pm
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sewunique
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That is interesting to hear that, about the commitment. I am not sure if it would be wise for me to ever commit to legal vows again. However, to commit to a relationship, to someone in a single one to one relationship, I guess that I could or would be willing to go that distance. Life is a long time and I see many years ahead to be able to share the rest of my life with someone else. But, I am not counting on that. It is not guaranteed like a gift purchase, you know?

Thank you for the compliment. I saw some of your posts, and was inteerested in what you said and how your expressed yourself. You are quite brief in your remarks, but quite a punch behind what you say. I like that.

Is this the first you have read my posts with these couple of threads, or have you read other posts with my comments? Just wondering. I post a lot as it helps me in dealing and discovering about myself as well in trying to help out others.

S

January 22, 2005
1:53 pm
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sewunique
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So OMW, you are riding along here? chuckle chuckle

January 22, 2005
2:01 pm
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on my way
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No, just reading answeres to my thread and making up my mind. I'm off of this one now.

January 22, 2005
2:02 pm
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workinonit
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sew, I hope I haven't been a source of confusuion for you. I would never put someone in the middle of a joke let alone you! You are always offering positive comments and solutions to me.

I simply saw what appeared to be a mild "joke" in response to your initial confusion over the differences in several opinions towards commitment/sex/relationship et al. I may have been the one to misunderstand and I apologise to you and john if that was the case.

My bad?

January 22, 2005
2:10 pm
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sewunique
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No, no, no, workin. I am not saying that. But thanks for your kindness, as ever. I am trying to figure out what JM was saying at the end here and I believe he has clarified that for me.

HOWEVER, Sew is confused to this thread and commitment, sexual intentions of men and women and compromise et al!!! something I have to work out. It is really bugging me, why I do not know. I guess it is cuz I have more to work on about it. thanks for coming back on this!

Sew/C

January 22, 2005
2:13 pm
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workinonit
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I'm still wondering if you could clarify what your take on this is? It may help me to get this understanding.

January 22, 2005
2:24 pm
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sewunique
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Well, it is going to be a long process. And I write TOO MUCH here. I guess I see it as an essay for a school project. Isn't that cold and sterile? So I am trying to brief it out in my mind. Maybe I will just do it in pieces.

January 22, 2005
2:29 pm
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sewunique
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Jm you said; you are not afraid to commit to a woman you are not afraid of. This puzzles me. Afraid in what sense? Afraid that she is honest, sincere and has it all together? Is committment, the fear of it a personal fear? or the woman in particular? Please explain about this more.

January 22, 2005
2:35 pm
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sewunique
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Commitment: this is personal for each of us. What our take on it is, comes from personal experience.

What commitment is, or should be, comes from our own interpretations.

I believe that men and women both are able to commit, in the right situation and if they personnally are free within themselves to make a commitment.

That simple. True?

I believe everyone here has taken that a step further in questioning the HOW and WHY men and women commit and the differences of the sexes. True?

January 22, 2005
2:47 pm
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JohnMurphy
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Note: To view the links posted below, copy and paste them into your browser address toolbar, and substitute the final "A.htm" for ". j p g" (no spaces though) and "B.htm" for ". g i f"(no spaces though), then hit "Enter".

"But, I am not counting on that. It is not guaranteed like a gift purchase, you know?"

Yes! You might check this:
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives.....leMenA.htm
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives.....AWishB.htm

"Thank you for the compliment. I saw some of your posts, and was inteerested in what you said and how your expressed yourself. You are quite brief in your remarks, but quite a punch behind what you say. I like that."

Thanks. I like you too. So far, it seems my chances with you are 50%. Check this: http://www.joe-ks.com/archives.....innerA.htm

It's weekend. So we might have a break for some jokes:

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives.....WomanA.htm
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives.....GiverA.htm
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives.....AWishB.htm

January 22, 2005
2:51 pm
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JohnMurphy
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"Jm you said; you are not afraid to commit to a woman you are not afraid of. This puzzles me. Afraid in what sense? Afraid that she is honest, sincere and has it all together? Is committment, the fear of it a personal fear? or the woman in particular? Please explain about this more."

I can't reason out feelings and I don't even try.

January 22, 2005
2:54 pm
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JohnMurphy
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"Commitment: this is personal for each of us. What our take on it is, comes from personal experience.

What commitment is, or should be, comes from our own interpretations.

I believe that men and women both are able to commit, in the right situation and if they personnally are free within themselves to make a commitment."

I like the way you view it. Yet, it looks like you need agreement to validate your opinions.

January 22, 2005
2:57 pm
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sewunique
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JM,

I need a lot of validation! That is in my being. Always asking the why and how of it. Besides, as I posted above, I am working on this entire issue on this thread and trying to sort it all out.

So do you agree or not?

Sew

January 22, 2005
3:04 pm
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JohnMurphy
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"I need a lot of validation! That is in my being. Always asking the why and how of it. Besides, as I posted above, I am working on this entire issue on this thread and trying to sort it all out.

So do you agree or not?"

I agree that you perhaps need agreement to validate your feelings. If all you need is approval, you can likely give it to yourself.

January 22, 2005
3:05 pm
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JohnMurphy
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I have to go now. See you all later.

January 22, 2005
3:05 pm
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sewunique
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JM,

You said you do not even try to reason out your feelings. Is this a major male trait? Or a personal one?

If we can get to our feelings, reactions to situations, and figure out weere they came from, does that not assist us in knowing who we are and the why we feel, behave, react and act to life situations?

Our feelings are the core of what makes each of us individuals. It comes from past and present life experiences. Not realizing what your feelings are about, isn't this missing out a part of embracing living? Isn't this in part of the purpose of this site?

January 22, 2005
3:10 pm
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JohnMurphy
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"Our feelings are the core of what makes each of us individuals. It comes from past and present life experiences. Not realizing what your feelings are about, isn't this missing out a part of embracing living? Isn't this in part of the purpose of this site?"

Reasoning out feelings prevents you from experiencing them. As you experience them directly, you gain insight and wisdom about your situation, and embrace living in this ever flowing moment of now.

January 22, 2005
3:15 pm
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on my way
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I agree, understanding where we have been is intrumental in working our present. But to allow the past to control our present does not work. To wory about the future does no good, but to prepare for the future is necessary..like exercise for ex. will help to insure a more healthy existence. Hey, the Bible says all of this, guess God knows what He's talking about. And truthfully, why is it so important to KNOW why men won't commit. I won't commit to someone who does not fit my criteria, it is proably the same for men? Since I started this thread, for me, it just does not matter anymore. I think by trying so hard to reason, we miss the present sometimes. All things in BALANCE. Will check in later this weekend.

January 22, 2005
3:28 pm
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sewunique
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JM,

I wholeheartedly agree to feel the feelings, to be in the "now" of it. That can be bittersweet. On the flip side, to get "in touch" with our feelings has some validity to it.

So I like both your and my version on it. I agree, however, one without the other would be missing in who we are....today and tomorrow.

OMW,

The how and why makes it a bit more scientific. Perhaps not important, but necessary for me. It is my way of sorting things out. Perhaps taking courses again in sociology might prove helpful. Maybe not. Some people are more logical thinking. I am more creative. Think on the other side of the brain, I guess. But, I am not going to try to rationalize myself further on the subject.

Time to sign off and do my things and will get back later tonite and see about the jokes and fun.

Sew

January 22, 2005
6:20 pm
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JohnMurphy
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"I wholeheartedly agree to feel the feelings, to be in the "now" of it. That can be bittersweet. On the flip side, to get "in touch" with our feelings has some validity to it."

Still looks like my chances of winning an argument with you is at 50%.

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives.....mentWinner . j p g ( note: remove spaces between 'ArgumentWinner' and 'g' ).

January 22, 2005
10:39 pm
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sewunique
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All right, now I am satisfied with how I view this commitment issue. Been wondering WHY it has been bugging me so. I think I got off track with so many views here. So here is my take on it.

First off, my above post where I stated that to put it simply, that both sexes are able to commit I still stand with. This is if they choose to commit and if the situation is right for their decision to commit.

Also if that person feels free to make a commitment, they will. I will support this statement later.

Commitment is different for each of us. Forget about the social expectations and more's here. Because how each of us view what commitment is, depends on our past experiences, our needs, desires and our value system. Is this why we have breakdowns in commitments and communication and expectations? What person A sees as a commitment, person B may see that same commitment as incomplete or not competely right.

We have many views that emotions are a factor. Also,that sex enters into this question. That may be part of the why or the wherefore. But the question is: Are men afraid to commit? And at this point, we are talking about commitment in general, so that is my focus here.

There are also mentions about the genetic disposition of the male/female debate; man is genetic in spreading the seed, woman takes seed and carries new life with babe suckling at breast and so on. A good point, but a bit primal for this case, or perhaps for my understanding as relevunt.

So here is the kicker: I found Mr. Webster and checked him out about what he had to say about Commitments and Compromise. This is the key to confusion here. (As I see it).

Commitment: com (Latin); together, miltere; to send.

Definition: to commit as to send to prison, to put in custody of "in confinement", to bind, as a promise.

Side Note for interest; is this why we sometimes feel a committed relationship is confinement, marriage a prison, or we become a prisoner of love?

With this defintion of commitment, I refer back to my earlier statement; that if a person feels 'free' to make a commitment, he/she will.

So now we have the definition of Compromise: com (Latin); together, promiltere; to promise.

Definition: a settlement in which each side makes concessions, something midway.

So the two words are similiar yet dissimiliar. They start out the same, (com: together), but end differently. We come toghether to make a binding promise. Then we have to compromise, or meet halfway to settle disputes. Rather ironic.

So workin, you are quite right that with commitment one must also have compromise. But they are not quite the same thing, therefore I had to work this out.

So now I feel more satisfied wtuh the confusion, and why I had to figure out the whys and the wherefores. This is just me.

Sew

January 22, 2005
10:51 pm
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sewunique
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G'Evening Johnmurphy,

Are you here this evening? It looks like you are quite right: I also have that same 50/50 chance/opportunity to winning an arguement! Thanks for the insight!

Sew/C

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