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Why are Men Afraid To Commit?
January 12, 2005
10:07 pm
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on my way
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Why are men afraid to commit? IS it ture that if women threaten your masculinity that is is a reason to bolt?

January 12, 2005
10:12 pm
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Let's try that again with correct spelling...
Why are men afraid to commit? Is it true that if women threaten your masculinity that it is a reason for you to bolt?

January 12, 2005
11:05 pm
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SUSIE BABY
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personally, i don't think fear has anything to do with it. if he love's you, then there should'nt be a problem.some guy's date girl's, have sex with them, but don;t realy think she's WIFE materal. you should try to figure out where you are. we have a way of hearing one thing, when in fact their saying something else.how does he treat you, is he kind, loving, caring ect...give us a little about him, good luck

January 13, 2005
8:00 am
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artist 2
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That's a good way to find out. Pay attention to how he acts and don't put on the rose colored glasses so you can see clearly enough to decide about HIM.

January 13, 2005
10:48 am
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marley
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in my experience men aren't afraid to commit when they believe the women there are with is the ONE. Unfortunately lots of men have trouble deciding exactly who the ONE is and sometimes even after they met her they aren't sure she is the ONE, but I think artist has the right of it. I really shouldn't be so much what they think of us, it should be what we think of them too.

January 13, 2005
11:28 am
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Yeah, and could be something inside of women is sending signals to the man, bringing out their fears about committing, you think?

January 13, 2005
11:48 am
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artist, that is what I wondered. What signals do we send. There is a book (I have not read), "Men Who are Afraid to Commit", in thumbing through it , it mentione that if we undermine masculinity....not sure how that would happen though...?

January 13, 2005
12:18 pm
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marley
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undermining masculinity? that could be anything from telling a man he has no balls to simply having a job. I am not sure any of those theories really help anything because I don't think a man could tell you how you undermine his masculinity and then if he can't tell you and you try to guess - you just end of changing your patterns of behavior to what you think that he wants which may not be what he wants at all. Have you ever seen that movie Thoroughly Modern Minnie? I saw it once like 20 years ago but the idea has always stuck with me. Minnie liked this guy who said he wanted a modern woman - so she cut her hair and bought new clothes blah blah blah to get this guys attention and then he falls for the more traditional girl and she is crushed (temporarily) and then she figures out who she is and meets the right guy. So I guess what I am trying to say is that if you are going to change, make the changes that you want for yourself and not for some man.

January 13, 2005
12:28 pm
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marley...very well said, and point taken to heart. Gee, I forget this so much in my own life in just little ways. You are absolutely right about this. Thank you!

January 13, 2005
12:39 pm
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cuthul
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Simplest explanation:

Our bodies have been arouund a lot longer than our cognative awareness. Our bodies have been effectively surviving off of hard wired instinct long before we started thinking.

The mating strategy that best ensures a male to pass on his genetics is to have as many mates on the side to his primary one, whos offspring he will protect and provide for.

Its just hard wiring.

January 13, 2005
12:49 pm
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cuthul,
Hard wiring as in you don't stop to think about what is happening, but it is more of a "gut reaction" and that is what men react with?

January 13, 2005
1:21 pm
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starryslp
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You should read,

HE's just not that into you.

Talks about commitment, and I agree with Marley,

I don't think they are afraid to commit to the right person.

January 13, 2005
2:21 pm
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Right, I give up. You would think after raising boys I would know. but it really doesn't matter. It either works or it doesn't and if it can't be talked about, then never mind in the first place.
Well, glad this is over for me!:-)

January 13, 2005
2:31 pm
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kathygy
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Not ALL men are afraid to committ. There are plenty of men who are looking for and wanting committment. The problem is attracting the wrong men. Why are you attracted to men who are afriad to committ? Is it the unavailability that is driving you to fall for these guys? Men who are afraid to commit have a lot of issues. It really doesn't matter what they are because there is nothing you can do about it. It would be better to work on yourself and stay away from the wrong kind of man in the first place. The healthier you are, the healthier men you will attract. You will loose interest in unavailable men and find a man who is looking for commitment.

January 13, 2005
6:00 pm
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cuthul
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Of course we can commit. hell, even I did.

Im just saying, not to, is what our 'gut' dictates.

January 13, 2005
6:08 pm
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wallace
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If he doesn't commit, then he does think you are the right person and is biding his time. If he thought you were right, he will commit.

January 13, 2005
6:10 pm
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great answer cuthul, it makes very good sense, but trying to understand it from a female point of view, would you mind shedding some light on what thoughts are there to give this gut reaction? Maybe it is different for each,? but when females act from a "gut reaction" we usually end it right there and then. At least I do. Help me out here please..trying to explain this the best way I know how, without much info...which is why I asked.

January 13, 2005
11:04 pm
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SUSIE BABY
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OR, could it be we pick them because some where deep down, WE don't want to commit?

January 14, 2005
4:24 am
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wallace
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The reason he doesn't commit is because he doesn't want to. But we look for hidden meanings because even though we know the answer, we don't want to believe it. Once we accept things for what they are ie-a relationship about you & him getting together & having hopefully a good time, but not a lot else-once we have accepted that and not tried to change it, things become a lot clearer. The problem comes when what he wants is not what you want and you feel powerless to change it, but are too hooked on him to walk away. It seems to me that guys are more likely to stand their ground when it comes to what they want or don't want in a relationship than us women. We seem to back down and make the compromises first.

January 14, 2005
9:50 am
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Answer is NOT to have sex until he has committed - enough said???

This sounds familiar - like something my grandmother would have told me.

January 14, 2005
11:37 am
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cuthul
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Yep,

The female genetic strategy, since she is much more tied to the baby, nursing and careing for it, is to get a male to be monogomous and provide for her and her offspring. That strategy ensures the best chance for her genetics to be passed on. This trait is alos in men, but our coding drives us to, spread the seed around to cover our bets, so to speak. Woment cant do that without running the risk of bearing offspring of a mate that will not be there.

Look at it this was. We are intelegent beings, sporting around in bodies that also have their own mind. The bodies want their needs met, and to follow the strategy that best ensures the traits of that body gets passed to survivable offspring.

Granted, we are much more complex than just how our bodies are wired, but its a interesting point to remember.

January 14, 2005
11:59 am
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artist, yeas we are wired differently for sex, it makes for a much more serious relationship for us..rather for me it did anyway.

CUTHUL, appreciate your insight here. So if a man comes on strong in the beginning, everything seems great..then boom he is gone...any idea HOW this happens? Then keeps returning, in between dating, what gives, any idea? Fear? I may be asking the wrong question, as it may be different for every guy. But when the gent is getting up in years, I would think it would happen less. I can't think of the right question to ask...frustrating!
Cuthul you mentioned in your other thread, and by the way, I hope this works out for you, but you mentioned you liked it progressing slowly so as not to feel "smothered"..would you mind explaining that a little more in the context of things moving slowly?

WALLACE; Great insight, thanks, this speaks wisdom.

January 14, 2005
12:58 pm
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cuthul
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Well, the situation you described is more of a safety net scenario. Thats relationship issues. The subject of this returning lover is being used as a fall back position between relationships. There is little to no hope of this relationship being anything more than a sort of band aid. As long as both parties regognize this and it is truely understood and accepted, go for it, but it may not be the healthiest. Essentially, the subject is being used to sooth emotional boo-boos after a break up by providing temporary emotional/physical comfort.

Why does sex happen so fast for guys? Mostly, sex and emotional commitment do not go hand in hand for most of us. We ride the emphatuation wave, and are truely there for the moment, but when that dies down, we may realize the person isnt who we want long term. Other times it can be even more pronounced, and when the physcial body's need to breed has been met, we want to be nice, but the reality is, that was all we wanted. It makes a lot of us feel poopy when that happens, becasue thats a mean thing to do, and different guys handle that differently.

Regarding moving slowly. Well, lots of bad issues in my past. I then have my own issues with abandonement, and in reaction, feel overwhelmed often with strong emotional intimacy that happens right away. Physical intimacy happens quickly with me, but emotional is different for me and takes time. It may not be the best scenario but for example, I was fine dating the same girl for 4 years and still hadnt tried moving in together. Probably a red flag i should have addressed, in hindsight.

Hope that helps.

January 14, 2005
1:13 pm
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Yes, this sheds much light and now I think I understand it all much better than before. It helps to understand the "why" of it all sometimes.
Just read all of your other thread, did not realize the realtionship had ended. Interesting that you may have picked someone with the same abandonment issues that may have made you feel safe, but all realtionships make us stronger and better in the long run. The best to you in all things.

January 18, 2005
7:28 pm
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JohnMurphy
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'Why are men afraid to commit?'

I speak only on my behalf regarding this issue:

I feel I am not afraid to commit with the woman I am not afraid of.

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