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Why am I suddenly acting this way?
December 13, 2001
2:45 pm
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harmonygirl
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I have been a relationship for 16 months now. The first 11 months were wonderful. We had fun together, the sex was (and still is) great, he told me he shares things with me he's not been able to share with anyone... In July we had our first real argument. Too long to get into but he was considering breaking off the relationship because of it. The circumstances were not that earth-shattering. We didn't break up but suddenly I developed this clingy, codependent, needy personality. I started to walk on eggshells around him, scared of expressing any feelings that he might percieve as negative, I had a need to be in contact with him every day. Keeping all those feelings locked up inside ended up biting me in the a$$. One night in October I proceeded to get very drunk on gin and tonic and flipped out. I was screaming and screaming at him. He again considered breaking off the relationship but didn't. Well, last weekend I did it again only this time I was physically as well as verbally abusive to him. I've never, ever been this way with anyone. I'm now waiting in dread for his verdict. Is the relationship over or not? After my episode I slept 31 hours, at his house, to recover. When I finally "came to" we talked a little. He admitted to me that he has walls around his heart because of his damaging childhood and a bad realtionship. He rarely talks about his past with me, never about his relationships. He told me that on Saturday he kept saying to himself, "I've had enough. It's over." but it wasn't what he felt in his heart. He then crawled into the bed beside me and put his arms around me. He said, "In the past I would never have been hugging someone after what happened Friday night. In the past I'd have told you to get the hell out and I'd have never looked back." He then told me he needed a couple of days to "think about this."
Am I being a fool for sitting here, not able to eat or sleep for 7 days because I'm so upset? He hasn't contacted me at all since Sunday so I have no idea what's on his mind. One side of me wants to tell him to kiss my a$$. The other side says I deserve what I'm getting because of my behavior. God, sometimes I wish I'd never been born.

December 13, 2001
3:23 pm
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gingerleigh
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Well, I think it's a great thing that you were born. You are a loving person, that's obvious, and you've got spunk too. So let's toss that "wish I'd never been born" stuff out the window and into the dumpster. You don't need that *smile*

A few questions... you said that the relationship was great for the first 11 months. Great in what way? Did you ever disagree? Going 11 months without having an argument to me sounds like one or both of you are stuffing the misgivings somewhere or compromising just a little bit too much.

What was the huge blowout argument over? If it was such a blowout, was it over something small? What other junk got dragged up in it?

Sounds like your outward behavior was inappropriate, but what sparked it? What were you feeling? What pushed you over that edge?

I'm not saying that it is his fault that you crossed the line. You ALWAYS have control over your words and actions, and you must take responsibility for them.

Beware of someone who says that they love you despite all the horrible things you do and how they would never do that for someone else. That's a real guilt trip to pull, and is a recipe for codependency. That obviously pushes some buttons for you. Might want to think long and hard about that.

Just some rambling... perhaps you will find it helpful?

*hug*

December 13, 2001
3:48 pm
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harmonygirl
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Thank you gingerleigh for your response. It helps so much to talk about this and to get feedback.
I did suppress a lot of things the first 11 months we were together. I'm afraid to displease him because he threatens to break off the relationship so I try to be a "good girl" all the time. Cooking for him, going to his house on the weekend, buying him little gifts, helping him do work around his home, etc.
We only see each other on the weekends, which was fine at first, but as time went on I started to love him and want more emotional commitment. We've had a physical commitment to each other from the start. He has told me he loves me too but he rarely opens up emotionally. He rarely does little things to make me feel special: call me up in the middle of the week, send me flowers once in a blue moon, listen to the things I share with him, come to my house occassionally, take me out without me having to ask for God's sake!
The things I kept screaming at him were "You're so cold. You never listen to me."
I don't even know what started the huge blowout this past week, other than I was drunk as hell and all the surpressed feelings came out in a horrible way.
In a way I hate myself for being such a wimp, for letting him control me like this. I'm going to sit here and make no plans for the upcoming weekend just in case he calls me and wants to talk. I want to be stronger.

December 13, 2001
4:11 pm
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stressed1
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Wow! This almost sounds like we are dating the same person.

Right down to seeing each other on the weekends. But I remedied that about 6months ago and moved to be closer.

I too tip toe around issues that may cause an arguement and keep alot bottled up inside. We have been together for 3years and I would hate to see what would happen if I were to lose control and let everything out.

Maybe it was for the best. I am a true believer that when someone is under the influence of alcohol they are at their most honest state (for the most part). So it is probably good that you aired your feeling and let him know what you really think.

I wish you the best. Good luck.

December 13, 2001
6:00 pm
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gingerleigh
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People can see through the good girl act every time, no matter how hard we try. Sounds like you need to take some steps back and repair yourself before you even look to see if this relationship is something you want to work on and build. I mean, how comfortable are you with who you are? How do you know? You haven't been yourself, you've been Miss Goodie Two Shoes. Not Ms. HarmonyGirl. So is your boyfriend expecting you to be the good girl all the time? If he is, and that isn't you, do you really want to live your life being something you aren't?

I heard Maya Angelou speak once, and she quoted someone... can't remember who, but the quote speaks to me. You might want to ruminate on it a bit...

"BE WHAT YOU IS, BECAUSE IF YOU BE WHAT YOU AIN'T, THEN YOU AIN'T WHAT YOU IS."

December 13, 2001
7:08 pm
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Molly
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Great advice Gingerleigh, and I might add, were you like this as a child as well? We carry behavior patterns into our relationships, like did you need to be the good girl to get daddy's attention. The dynamics right now are set up for failure, your doing what ever it takes to hold on to this guy, and just a guess, but where were you in your cycle during this drunken blow out. I have watched many a woman go midevil with alcohol during certain phases in their cycle, seriously. Normally you might be able to have 3 glasses of what ever your used to and during this one period of time, all it takes is one to bring out deamon princess. Hormones peak, and all that stuff you stuff, comes out in neon. Your not the first to do it, and won't most likely be the last. Great opportunity to look with in, look into that I sometimes hate the word co-dependency stuff, and see what you see. don't beat your self up, just be you, and learn more about what you do and why your doing it.

December 14, 2001
1:17 pm
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harmonygirl
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Molly, it is true that I learned this behavior as a child. I wanted things to be peaceful and happy in our unhappy family life and I thought that by being the perfect little girl, it could be achieved. It didn't work then and it's not working now. That's an issue I'm pursuing diligently with a counselor.
I love the quote gingerleigh.
I went to my first AA meeting last night. My closest girlfriend and my (ex?)boyfriend are convinced I don't need it but I couldn't believe the awakening I felt. No, I'm not physically dependent on alcohol and don't have to have a drink every day but the fact that I need a drink to express my true feelings is definitely a problem for me. After the meeting I was elated. It was like a lightbulb went off in my head. I am in control of how I feel, noone else is responsible for my happiness. I have the choice to change how I react to things, how I let things affect me, how I treat others.
My boyfriend called me after the meeting and was his typical angry, pessimistic, down-on-the-world self. What was it he said? "I hate humans and want them all to leave me alone." Poor guy. I love him but can't put out any more energy trying to make him into something he doesn't want to be or to love me in a way he isn't willing to or maybe isn't capable of. I feel like it's the first time in months that I've been able to take a deep breath. I'm sure there are sad, angry, scary times ahead but I feel I can face them and come out on the other side.

December 14, 2001
2:01 pm
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Molly
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Wow, wish every one would walk out of a meeting with that type of courage, resolve , stregnth and insight!!!!!
that is so great, and so clear, you go girl. Isn't it strange, how we get what we need, where we get what we need, and all of a sudden, just like the end of the storm that wreached havok for days, is over in a second and the sun is shinning?
It was really clear for me, in what you wrote about the good girl thing, I hadn't really realized it before my sis had shared with me, what her perspective on some of my situations were. How my mom had put so much pressure on me growing up to be perfect, always used my actions as manipulation, did the same with first hubby, we sure looked perfect from the outside, and never realized how the good girl thing had carried over, and then with Sybil, my current hubby, did all the right things, and got no where for a change, it was several years ago, and I still relapse once and a while, but now I do it for me. totally different game. Ya know its just way to exhausting to please all the people all the time, when you only really need to please you, if the others get some sort of benifit, so they are lucky other wise , its all about self love, self recognition, self satisfaction, self respect, other wise ugh ugh YOU. Good job, live love, be a little selfish, and don't look back, he will get over it.

December 14, 2001
2:32 pm
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gingerleigh
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Yay Harmony! If AA worked well for you, you might want to check into a CoDA meeting, where the focus isn't necessarily alcohol, but on the codependency stuff. Do some reading take care of your body, mind and soul. Don't worry if any of the negative thoughts creep back in, they will since none of us are perfect, but you've got the strength to put those thoughts back in their place when you have to.

You're doing great, keep up the looking inward, understanding yourself is a great journey, one that you will continue on for the rest of your life and hopefully enjoy and learn from constantly. You'll keep surprising and pleasing yourself with what you discover. And you'll find that the deeper you go and the more comfortable you are with expressing your true feelings to yourself and those close to you, you will attract people of a similar mindset. Birds of a feather flock together, yah?

December 14, 2001
2:37 pm
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artist
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I promised: tidbits from "if the Buddha Dated" that pertained. Try this:

Buddhism centers around compassion, kindness, truth,awareness and a clear perception of reality. Many regard it more as a philosphy than a religion. Central to the teaching are the four noble truths:
First:That suffering is inherent in life.
Second: that we create our suffering through our attachments and demands that things be different than they are. We can be attached to money,property,food, belief systems or other people. In other words, when our minds are busy with scripts, images and fantasies of what we think we must have, we end up frustrated, disappointed and unable to live in the moment and appreciate the WHAT IS of life. We suffer.
The third noble truth suggests that we ease our suffering when we cease our endless demands and accept the WHAT IS of life.
The fourth truth is that with complete acceptance of WHAT IS, and with seeing through all these superficial desires, to the essence of all that is, we will live with peace and love.

We can make an important distinction between pain and suffering. While PAINFUL situations are inherent in life--loss, death, illness--if we accept them as a part of life, we do not suffer so much.

To a large degree suffering results from the turmoil we create when we DEMAND that life be "fair" and not include obstacles, challenges, or illness. Once we accept these aspects of life, we can more easily cope with them or seek solutions.

Artist:)

December 17, 2001
8:47 pm
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Garden
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Oh dear...I share your problem EXACTLY!!! What I am doing to remedy this situation is to take a week long break. Re establish your independence. Clingy=possessive=dependent. Remember, people only know you by what you say and do around them. Two independent people need to realize that they are two separate people....when they forget, this clingy crap happens. I'm upset by it as well...just remember, you are the most important person in YOUR life.

December 17, 2001
10:08 pm
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Garden
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Oh, another thing...you must have your own life before you can share it with anyone else, and you need to KEEP your life, just making compromises. Don't live through someone else. I learned this the hard way...but, maybe we women need that. I just believe that I'm doing the right thing. I am not depressed anyone:)

December 17, 2001
11:12 pm
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Garden
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errr not anyone anymore:)

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