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Why Am I So Suspicious
July 6, 2009
10:37 am
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I think I'm driving myself crazy. I'm so suspicious of others and their motives. What a pessimist I am. I'm always suspicious of my bf and what he's doing. I think he's always up to no good and cheating on me. He's on his way back from vacation with his daughter and had to stay at one of his cousin's friend's house last night. He was suppose to call me last night and never did. When I called him this morning, he said he fell right to sleep last night. I asked him who was at the house and he said three women. Now I don't like that. You're staying at your cousin's friend's house and your cousin left last night. He said he went right to sleep. I DON'T BELIEVE THAT. I'm trying not to stress about it and believe his word but it's hard. He has alot of female friends because he's never been married before and is 54 years old. I know the majority of these women and have spoken or met them before. I was the 2nd one he's ever asked to marry him. I called the engagement off in Nov. because of some woman calling his cell phone at all hours of the night. He finally got another cell phone, even though he still has the other one which he said he's trying to give others a chance to get his new number. I really hate that I don't trust him and am so suspicious. It's hard to relax in the fact that nothing happened last night with those 3 women. I suppose this is one of the reasons why I had a slight stroke last week. Worry/fear. How do I get past this. I'm trying to train my mind to think about other things.

July 6, 2009
11:27 am
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caraway
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Counselor,

Are you attending CODA meetings? This is a classic symptom that many of us have. That all consuming sick feeling in the pit of your stomache. The need to check up on his story, read his phone log, emails, or anything else you can get PROOF of his infidelity from. (I was constantly asking, "who is that? How do you know him? Did you ever date? Did you sleep with him?"

This is about you and your stuff.... not your BF. You will never be able to be happy and successful in a realtionship until you learn to manage these feelings. (I am not judging or criticizing; I still struggle at times.)

The only thing that seems odd to me here is that your BF is 54 and never married. Are you sure he is straight (not Gay)?

Cary

July 6, 2009
11:40 am
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StronginHim77
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When a man reaches 54 without ever marrying, there is a problem.

I would take a giant step back from this guy and shift the focus onto yourself. Get into counseling or join a CODA group. Find out WHY you are so enmeshed in this man's life when he is obviously not meeting your needs for reassurance and security.

- Ma Strong

July 6, 2009
11:47 am
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I have a therapist. I will continue therapy this week. He isn't gay. He is selfish (as we all are to varying degrees) and likes the liberty of doing what he wants and not being accountable to anyone, which is one of the reasons I called our engagement off in Nov. I need to focus on me and I keep saying that to myself. I try not to call him but find myself wondering where is he, who is he talking to. I just called him and he said he was on the road. It didn't sound that way in the background. It sounded like he was indoors. Then he said his son was calling and would call me back. I'm not going to call him. I'm going to see how long it takes for him to return my call. Darn, I hate this.

July 6, 2009
12:33 pm
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atalose
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May I ask, if you called off the engagement because you didn’t trust him and not only had suspicions but proof that another woman was calling his cell phone, then why are you still with him risking your own health?

Are you hoping that at 54 he is going to change a life time pattern of doing what he wants when he wants?

As you said you are a pessimist, untrusting and suspicious so in fact you have found the perfect person to keep all those things alive and growing. It’s what we codies do over and over again; find the perfect un-healthy person to match our own un-healthy thinking which then brings about our own un-healthy behavior like constantly checking up on them.

It’s never going to satisfy you what he says because you are never going to believe him and at 54 never married and twice engaged seems like an awful lot of commitment issues going on with him.

I know you were upset that he even went on this trip since you were hospitalized with a minor stroke. He sounds insensitive to me but then again that fits into HIS life style of not being accountable to anyone which was the reason you called off the engagement, so again I ask why are you still with this guy risking our health which is then risking the health of your children?

Counseling is great and you can go for all the counseling in the world but as long as you are desperately holding onto someone who will keep your fears, suspicions and jealousy alive, nothing is going to change for you, it’s only going to get worse.

So what is it about this guy that you feel you need to hold onto? How long have you even been together? And did this relationship come on the heels of your divorce?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 6, 2009
1:01 pm
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I love him, that's why I hold on to him. and yes this relationship came on the heels of my divorce. He changed his # and is trying to move on away from her.

Yes I am a pessimist and untrusting and entertain thoughts which drive me crazy and act on unhealthy behaviors that only exacerbates my unhealthy feelings.

He was what I needed at the right time. He was/is so good to me. He was sensitive to my needs, was there for my adult children, he went to all family events, he introduced me to his family & friends, etc. I do love him tremendously and he said I'm the one for him and he loves and adores me. Can I find the perfect person or should I just hold on to the one i'm with knowing his issues. I'd hate to get involved with another person then finding out their issues which everyone has. Issues that could possibly be worse than his.

I'm trying to concentrate on me. I really am.

July 6, 2009
3:06 pm
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caraway
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Counselor,

You said:
"Then he said his son was calling and would call me back. I'm not going to call him. I'm going to see how long it takes for him to return my call. Darn, I hate this."

I know that as a person who is a recovering Codependent I used to "test" people all of the time. I had some weird need to see just how badly they would hurt me, so I could later use it as a martyr. I would go on and on in some dramatic fashion about how inhumanly I was being treated, and I deserved better.

I would get angry and end it, but almost immediately began coming up with excuses to call. "I need to come get my things", "It is such a shame to walk away from this after all that we have been through", "I just can't believe that you would do this to me after all that I have done for you"; I could go on and on.

I would complain to my friends, but become defensive if they agreed with me, much like you did here. "I love him, that's why I hold on to him. and yes this relationship came on the heels of my divorce. He changed his # and is trying to move on away from her."

You won't listen to anything we say here, and will most likely keep repeating this cycle until he leaves you for another, adoring woman who feeds his ego. The only way that you will get better is to STOP talking to him, and move forward with your life. You don't need to call him and say, "I was just worried about you", or "call me if you ever need me"; JUST MOVE ON.

You life will improve when you improve.

(((Counselor)))
Cary

July 6, 2009
3:27 pm
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Just needed to pop on here quickly.

Ma, you know I generally agree with most of what you have to say. However, don't you think it is judgemental of you to classify ALL men who never married, as having a problem?

I have friends/family members/acquaintances who are in their 50's and have chosen to not go down the marriage route. I, myself, have never been married (I am 53).

People have different reasons for not wanting to get married and they should not be judged for it. Many of those (in the forementioned minority group) are very happy and satisfied with their life choices.

I think it is always a problem to judge ALL with sweeping broad generalizations.

sad

July 6, 2009
4:21 pm
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atalose
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Counselor,

You mentioned that he was what you needed at the right time. Is he still what you need at this time?

I remember after my divorce I got too involved too soon with a guy I thought was my world. Soulmate, savior you name it and I made him it!!!!!

He was older then I and made me feel so special and loved, he was the opposite of my ex husband. And in fact in many ways he was but in many ways he was my ex just in a different package.

How involved was he with this other woman? And what kind of things does he do to help you re-build trust in him? How does he ease your worrying about his involvement with other woman?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 7, 2009
11:21 am
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it sounds like I am a codie. not sure if I exhibit all the signs but from being suspicious, etc. is me. why am I like this? where did this come from, childhood? could it be my dad's lack of involvement in my life or my mom passing when I was 7 or could it be when I was molested by my uncle at age 12? do I have to break up, while going for counseling, with him in order to heal?

his reasons for not getting married was he never found the right person who would/could love him the way he needed to be loved, etc. many of his family & friends have shared his sentiments.

I really want help.

July 7, 2009
11:38 am
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StronginHim77
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Sad Sack,

Point taken about generalizations. I would like to add, however, that reaching one's fifties without marriage CAN indicate problems with commitment.

Also, I have always considered marriage one of the single, greatest breakers of SELFISHNESS ever invented. One cannot have a good, successful marriage and be selfish. Just won't work.

Of the men I have known personally (and Lord knows, I've known enough of them), the men who never married lacked flexibility and willingness to compromise for the happiness of their partner.

But -- as you pointed out -- not ALL men might fit that "profile."

Standing corrected...Ma Strong

July 7, 2009
11:55 am
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atalose
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Counselor,

Many of us do not have (all) the signs and symptoms of codependency but many of them and to various degrees.

Codependency is a learned behavior so I am sure it was learned in your childhood. And with the loss of your mother at such a young age and lack of your father’s involvement I would assume abandonment issues would be very present with in you.

As far as breaking up with him that is only something you can decide for yourself. If his presents in your life causes upsetment, resentment, anger, jealously and any other negative emotion then maybe it is best to part until you have some recovery and healing under your belt.

It could be possible that his idea of the right person is one who will tolerate his ill decisions and impulses such as talking with other woman, doing what he wants when he wants and not having to be accountable to anyone for anything………..is that you? Are you that right person?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 7, 2009
1:22 pm
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What I have learned:

It is not codependent if you are with someone to answer their phone. If they have a fit, turn the ringer off or turn the phone off when they are with you, they are hiding something.

If they close their email when you walk into a room. They are hiding something.

If they "go off the grid" for periods of time with no explanation. They are cheating.

I was married to a man for 14 years that I could pick up his phone. I knew within two phone calls where to reach him if I needed him. 1.work 2. cell phone. He was a natural born flirt. Flirting for him was as natural as breathing. I watched him do it, his sister do it and even his mother do it. I NEVER WAS JEALOUS. I felt he wasn't giving me the attention I wanted and got mad and divorced him. I met someone else, and went into the relationship with "rose colored glasses". HE taught me not to trust. It will be a long, long time before I trust anyone again.

When #2 Mistake and I broke up I was lonely and cried and was miserable. Today is Tuesday and a man has asked me out for dinner Friday night (he asked last THURSDAY!!!. Somehow I accepted.
I am still working on ways I can gracefully back out.

I didn't believe people on here last year when they were all telling me I would survive. Here I am and I am fine.

I am not suggesting this man is cheating or anything, but eventually you have to think, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck......

Bitsy

July 7, 2009
1:48 pm
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caraway
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Counselor,

I am not suggesting that you have to break up with him. I think that CODA meetings will bring some things to light that may force the issue and he will have to decide if he likes the "new" you. The, new you, will be someone who won't tolerate disrespect and happier in general.

Truth is, none of us really know our partners all that well. I think I still have to agree with MA that not being married in his 50's is a red flag. Someone else was defensive about generalization, but statistics would prove it rare for someone well adjusted (and straight) to be single by choice.

If he is a quality guy he will support you in this journey.

Cary

July 7, 2009
1:48 pm
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yeah, wait...i'm 43 and NBM (never been married) I'm with Sad Sack on this, lets not judge and think something is weird cuz there are non married's over the age of 40+....i don't think you have to be married to be happy. And i know a handful of 40 & 50 somthings never been married.

Counselor, maybe think why you are with this guy even after calling off the engagement...if he is still doing the same things as b4, he may not change.

July 7, 2009
2:34 pm
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I'm being honest here and not trying to make excuses so please bear with me: I called the engagement off because he appeared to be unstable financially and it scared me regarding our future together and this woman kept calling him. He kept assuring me she wasn't an issue but that wasn't good enough. I'm back with him now because he's since gotten a new # and as individuals call his old #, he's giving them his new #. He will shut the old # down in a few weeks. He's had that telephone # for over 15 years and has two businesses. I insisted that he keep his telephones on at night to ensure me that she isn't calling. She hasn't called, and it's been about two months.

Regarding his financial situation, he's been working hard (sometimes I think he needs to get a full time job). He said he's applied for full time jobs but no one is calling him back. Can he try harder, I think so.

Yes, I believe I have abandonment issues. My # 1 fear is being alone. I met with my counselor this morning. She asked me to write down what I'm feeling right before: 1) my urge to contradict what my bf is saying, 2) feeling suspicious when he doesn't answer the telephone; 3) when my thoughts wonder to create a worse case scenario. And if those things were true, what would that mean about me.

July 7, 2009
11:00 pm
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Just because a man turns 54 an has never been marriued doesnt mean that there is something wrong with him... maybe he just hasnt wanted to be. I am a 43 year old male, and have never been married. The real problem is being 43, or 54 and have been divorced. Atleast we were never divorced. It is ok not to get married till you are ready, or never get married.

I have come to realized that to be with somebody means that half of your life is managed by the other half. In other words... every choice you make, decision, every idea, every bit of sleep, every bad moment, day, every trip you decide on.. all the money you spend, who spends what.. your others issues, family, there mental disorders yours, ours, mine.. the food you eat, when you eat, what you talk about, what you dont talk about, the lies.. deciet, x's.. boredom.. whos fault it was.. overworked underpaid.. the bills.. no more sex..who made the mess, who will do the dishes, who will pay for dinner? will I lose her if I dont.. oh my, no sex...chest pains, stress.. you did it, no I didnt you did. need I go on? I am right now content, and dont need anybody emotiionally, or sexually. I want it this way, and damn it, it will be this way. I have had all of that.. been there, done that.. everything but take care of me.. and now my audience it is time...

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