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Why am I so obsessed with this man?
November 1, 2001
8:11 am
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ShellyG
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Hello again...hit the wrong button!!! anyway, I'll start all over...I was with my boyfriend for eight years....Within that time we were very happy...We both liked to drink....eventually, I decided it wasn't for me anymore...my boyfriend got worse....He went from alcohol to cocaine and crack....I would kick him out for a while and then beg him back..Why? I don't understand why I am so weak...I do love this man, but I couldn't take the abuse.....I am very codependent....I always thought he would change...that things would get better...but now I feel like he used me all these years.....It's been 5 months since I kicked him out this time....He found another woman only after 1 1/2 months of our seperation....
I'm angry at myself...I feel like I was used.....He and I both worked...but I was always the one who paid the bills...bought the house in my name....and always worried about him.....In January, I lost my job....had to use my income tax money to pay the bills, couldn't count on his money....He did work on the house....Our intentions were to fix the house up sell it and then buy more and fix them.....One night, he came home very irrate....Supposedly quit using drugs...but that night....he was very mean....kept saying leave me alone...I just need to be alone....He just didn't seem himself.....I wasn't sure if he was on something, because usually he would leave for three days when he was doing the coke or crack.....I thought he was finally off the stuff....Well, I ended up kicking him out that night...He was calling me every name in the book for absolutely no reason....Before that, I came home late that night after my daughter's band concert....tried calling him on his cell phone to tell him I didn't have time to cook..he was very nasty on the phone..told me when he got home that I was just checking up on him....never could explain the reason for the call in the first place...When he got home, I asked him if he ate....He said that he and Tom had pizza and he just wanted left alone....Well, Tom is a coke addict....crack...etc....I looked at him and told him if he wants to stay clean..he shouldn't hang with people that still do the drugs.....That's when he called me every name in the book....told me to mind my own business....I told him...this is my house...I pay the bills, and no one will ever talk to me like that....told him to leave....and he did......got his things the next day....
I've been depressed ever since....Why do I want a man that treated me like garbage back in my life.....?
He met this woman..wealthy....supposedly in love with her...has already been to Florida with her for a week...Couln't afford to go with me...wanted me to drop everything and go in January when I lost my job....I just couldn't....worried about finances..kids(that aren't his)responsiblities.....
He finds this woman...moved in with her...goes to Florida only after a month of knowing her....planning a trip to Australia in December....I found out from a friend because the friend thought we were going...didn't know we broke up...and my ex never mentioned to him that we did......
I thought maybe he had been seeing her way before, but his relatives told me he was devastated with me kicking him out.started hanging out with his old crack and coke buddies.....and was always with them....They said he just met the woman 1 1/2 months after...they were shocked too..She doesn't like heavey drinking and detests smoking...she's a respiratory therapist....He quit smoking and drinks occasionally...comes home by 5..Everything I wanted him to do...he's doing it for her...
Anyway, it's his life..but I just feel so used...betrayed....and my self esteem is the pits right now.....I gave and gave, yet never got anything in return but pain....Yes...I don't like being alone...but I've been getting use to it.....and I'm trying to find happiness in myself...doing things I haven't done in years....but why am I so obsessed with this man....? I don't feel like he ever loved me or doesn't even know the meaning of love....
Please give me some insight on this matter...Thanks....Shelly

November 1, 2001
8:38 am
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artist
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Shelley, check out the other "obsessed" for my reply
Artist

November 1, 2001
9:05 am
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artist
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OK, now that I read the whole message, let's see. Think about this REAL hard before you answer.
You say that you love this man. Do you really love him ? From all the things you said about him and your relationship--it doesn't sound like love to me. Take a deep breathe, clear you mind and read what YOU wrote. Does this sound like love to you? This is stating the obvious but I guess we all can use this reminder--YOU DESERVE A LOT BETTER--SO LET YOURSELF GET BETTER AND LEAVE THIS GUY ALONE!!! Don't worry about what he's doing now and who he's doing it with--it's not your life any more--let go of it.
All these people who these discussions are powerless to help all we can do is support--YOU and ONLY YOU have the power to fix this. It takes guts and determination and it isn't easy but it is POSSIBLE--don't feel overwhelmed
--YOU CAN DO IT.

Artist

November 1, 2001
9:10 am
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shari
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Dear Shelly ,
Hi my name is Shari and I feel that what you are going through is very normal I mean eight years is a long time and it it normal for you to feel this way about him. In life things happen for a reason so next time when situations like this come around you'll be more prepared for it and much stronger. By reading your story , to me you seem to stornge to be dealing with such ungreatful people , you had it made , why should you work all day long and get no thanks out of it . As a women you can only take so much ,and that so much has already came for you . Everyone in life has problems and in oder to get through them you have to go through a process. Keep your head up high and prove to your self that you can do better now .Always remeber that he lost out on a good thing not you .
love shari c.

November 1, 2001
12:19 pm
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Ladeska
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Well.....we order up....what we think we deserve.....AND we use people, too....in order to fix old relationships....probably the one that started this whole thing with you and a man. So, how was - your relationship with your father?

Often - we pick a man who has many traits like our fathers - and we rip off their faces and put the face of our father onto them....thinking that - IF we fix them, if we make them love us somehow, if they change for us - then we've fixed....the old thing in us that was broken. We....finally won afterall...

We do this rather subconsciously.... And I think alot, alot of people do this and don't even recognize it. But, when you look at it in this light - then you begin to realize - while we are accusing them of not loving us - we didn't really love them either - because we were role playing, using them in a sense, too.

There isn't really anything lovable about what you wrote concerning this man.....he was horrible to you. And time will tell if this "act" he's doing now - is real, probably not...

The thing to realize here is - you took all this...for years. You saw and you ignored to the point of sticking it out. Now there's an awful lot of deep seated "reason" in why....you did that. And that's what you need to really look at here. Were you trying to win an old war - by picking someone similar - someone that reminds you of someone that wasn't there for you, or who abused you in some way or abandoned you?

If that's so then what really went down here is - a child - picked this man. A child that wanted a father to love her..... and that's why your adult mind sits here and goes - why did I do this? Why was I so obsessed with staying? Because - in this equation - a child doesn't get it....he reminds her of what was familiar in some way and she locks in on it - with all the feelings she has. I MUST do this over - so I can finally be okay with it and I must win him or change him or earn his love..... I must, I must, I must, even if it takes 30 years or kills me - I must do this....

Compulsive behavior? - you bet your butt. But compulsive behavior has a way of going away sometimes when one finds out - what the stimulus is - for that behavior and corrects it. We most often don't need drugs - we need Truth. Knowledge is what sets us free. It blows us out of vicious circles that go round and round and round until we drown in our throw-up. So, what I want you to do is just consider this. If the equation doesn't fit, then it doesn't fit and you can move onto the next consideration. I mention this - because it has been a huge tool for me in working with people. Sounds almost too simple at first, but sometimes - what works - IS very, very simple.

November 1, 2001
12:49 pm
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onceagain
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Ladeska you are a saint. I love you, man!
Shelly, I have been going through the same exact thing but we have two children that I am left to raise alone. We were together for seven years, and a year ago he left, just left, he didn't want it anymore. He hates me for what I have DONE TO HIS LIFE, I haven't been able to accept the fact that he doesn't want anything to do with me. Just recently, he hooked up with a women with a yoinger child that he is going to help raise, and he can't even raise his own kids. It hurts like hell. There isn't a night that I don't cry myself to sleep becasue of the pain, it angers me to know that he is happy and I am miserable. But we have to get over it. If you have a chance read my first thread,and see the responses that I received this has been better than any theripist that I have paid for. Again, thanks Ladeska and freinds. This isn't going to be easy, but really, do you want what you had before or do you just want to have your love returned. I went as far as anti- depressants and professioanl help, it has been over a year and I still hurt. It dosen't go away, but it will lessen in time. We all know what you are going through. You are not alone.

Francine

November 1, 2001
12:54 pm
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Molly
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And furthermore: besides all of the above, which is so very true, your a friggin human female, who was seduced perhaps due to the above, who was having a good time, it was a party, not a relationship, confused sensuality in a bottle, and a bed, and all common sense out the window. All the time thinking your playing house, becomming dependent, thinking you were working with an equal, when it was a mutually consented party.
sounds ugly like that, I know, sorry. sometimes we need to paint the really ugly side of things to get in touch with the reality that we don't want to acknowledge. Woman celebrate that he hooked up with someone else, you know what she is in for, and thank your lucky stars that he is gone and you are free to get back to life. You weren't really living with him, you were existing, and had become a hostage. What about your daughter, real great guy to have around for her to learn from the two of you. So, forgive your self, love your self, love your daughter, and do some work, do some learning, lock your door, take the phone off the hook, he thinks your gonna take him back when this lady takes her reality check, because you have taught him that you will put up with anything, but no more right? Do some research on codependency, on domestic violence, on verbal abuse, on family dynamics, and be damn greatful, social services or the childs father didn't catch wind of this guy, so that you still have your child. Be greatful you stopped drinking when you did, and got some unmedicated clarity. it will get better, if that is what you wish to choose.

November 1, 2001
1:18 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hi Shelly,

I know how much it hurts that he is doing these things that you always wanted to do with someone else. My ex-husband went off with some young chick who got him to start working out at the gym, not drink so much, quit doing coke, quit surfing for kiddie porn, etc. etc. etc. blah blah blah, everything that I asked him to do. His explanation to me at the time was that "she just accepts me for who I am and doesn't force to me to change, I'm doing these things for me..." OUCH! He claimed to love her so much because she loved him for exactly who he was and not who she thought she could turn him into. Double ouch.

That bliss lasted about, oh, 4 months. He's back to doing coke and drinking heavily, hasn't been to the gym in months, and his young sweet thing is looking more and more strung out and has that wild desperate look in her eyes that I recognize so well... it's like looking into a mirror from the past...

I would hope that I could act as somewhat of a success story for you... I eventually gave up the obsession, moved on with my life, started focusing on my work, friends, family and artistic pursuits, and believe it or not, ended up forming healthier short term light dating relationships that turned out to be fun, and have even (gasp) started seeing someone exclusively who treats me with the respect that I truly deserve.

But you have to give up the obsession. And THAT is the truly difficult part. No contact. No calls. Block his number. Remove him from your speed dial. Change the locks. Block his email address, and remove him from your address book. Make a list of the top 10 or 20 things he did that pissed you off, from the stealing, to the lying, to the green crap he gets in his teeth when he eats spinach salad. Every time you start to obsess, read that list and get pissed. Then go do something else.

Changing your feelings takes time, but changing your actions can be done in an instant. I think Molly coined this one, but "fake it 'till you feel it". One day, you'll wake up, go through your day, and be heading to bed at night and realize that he hasn't even crossed your mind.

November 1, 2001
1:47 pm
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Why do I or anyone else for that matter, waste so much time and energy trying to control situations and people that I(we) can't and ignoring the things I(we) can control about situations and ourselves and as a result feeling helpless and weak and unhappy? When in truth, we aren't powerless--we just wasted energy in the wrong place. Maybe what I(we) need is a break--like a nap or a bubble bath or some other positive distraction. No,those things won't solve any problems but they are positive and in a small sense life affirming and maybe will restore enough of my(our) energy to tackle the big stuff. Love ya--Artist.

November 1, 2001
5:45 pm
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Ladeska
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BUBBLES???? Did someone say Bubbbles? Yeppers, anything that represents the things that makes us smile....makes us just stop the noise statements in mid stream and go...huh? what was I talking about? These are good things....very good things. Sometimes, it is very good to deeply realize the things that steal our life...the things that we allow ourselves to mull over and over when in all reality - mulling them over is also - doing damage and we are allowing it.

There needs to come a point with us all that we go - what am I thinking about, what am I speaking about, who am I speaking with and where is this going? is this a dead issue and does it profit me to keep it going on and on or can I - stop now and go smell a rose or chase the dog, squirt a water pistol or blow some bubbles....

Our no. 1 job in life shouldn't be - to be a martyr....especially if our being a martyr is really about us - trying to earn someone's love. Actually - that isn't love at all from them or from us. Any way you dice it - it's got strings attached - doesn't it?

November 1, 2001
5:57 pm
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Ladeska
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Onceagain...Saint??? Careful, you could get struck by lightning for saying that! Wings just won't sprout and the halo keeps falling down around my waist as a hula hoop...I dunno....

November 1, 2001
7:30 pm
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Molly
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I have always heard, that angels are very clown like, and get along great with animals.

November 2, 2001
12:25 pm
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Molly
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He just found an unsuspecting new hostage.

November 2, 2001
1:20 pm
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Ladeska
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Yeah man, that's exactly what happened!

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