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why am I so afraid to leave ?
December 8, 2003
2:42 am
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vonn
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I've been with my husband for 14 years. He's been verbally abusive in the past and has slapped me at least 5 times through out the marriage. I am angry at myself for subjecting my children to this abusive behavior for so many years. I know that part of my reason for staying stems from me not having a healthy childhood. I had a teen mother (15) who abandoned me and an (18) year old father who was too young too be a "father" so I was raised by my maternal grandmother. She did the best she could but she was a strict disciplinarian, and was often verbally abusive. I received the occasional spanking but I don't think that was as abusive as what hurt me mentally. I loved and thought I was going to marry my son's father when I had him at (18) but we broke up when my son was 3 mos. old. I vowed I would never have another child w/out being married, because I did not want him to feel the same pain that wounded me for so many years. When I met and married my husband he already had a son too. I was taking care of 2 children w/a daughter on the way when I got married at 19-20 years old. I basically, took on the responsibility of taking care of the kids and trying to support them with my assistance check because he worked so sporadically, and spent most of his money on weed. We already lived in poverty but I felt it would be worse trying to raise two kids by myself, so I felt being with him was the lesser of 2 evils, all because I did not want my kids to grow up without a mother and father in the household. Now that my stepson is grown, and my kids are teenagers now they're very protective of me and I am very protective of them, because they're father has been so verbally abusive to us all we've developed this love hate relationship for him. He started rehab for the drug problem but he needs therapy for domestic violence.He said he has to start somewhere but me and my kids are unhappy and mentally tired of his negativity. Why am I so scared to leave if I'm this unhappy?

December 8, 2003
10:39 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Vonn,

I think any kind of change, if even for the better is scary.

Now that your husband is in rehab, do you want to leave, or is it the fact that he is in rehab, and hopefully changing himself that is scaring you?

Zinnie

December 8, 2003
6:05 pm
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free
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I'd like to just toss out an answer to the title of this thread.

Because the devil known is better than the devil unknown.

free

December 8, 2003
7:11 pm
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sixfootblonde
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Have to say that I think free hit the nail on the head with that one.

Fear of the unknown is terrifying. A grownup version of the hesitation before stepping off the monkey bars and launching oneself into air suspended only by skinny childish arms. 🙂

Remember tho, how gratifying to realize that those arms were indeed all we needed.........

December 8, 2003
8:45 pm
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wyldrose
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Dear vonn,

It seems only natural after investing 14 years and raised his children that you are afraid.

Have you thought about marriage counseling? Would he be willing? Do you think you would be?

I wish you happiness hon. Good luck.

wyldrose~

December 8, 2003
9:23 pm
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Zinnie
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Free did hit it right!

December 10, 2003
10:16 pm
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tuktuk
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Zinnie,
What made you ask the question "or is it the fact that he is in rehab and hopefully changing himself that is scaring you?" I am very curious where you are going with this question. Thanks.

December 10, 2003
10:21 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Tuktuk,

Sometimes when people are in a relationship, especially a long term relationship; if there is an addiction involved, their whole life revolves around dealing with that addiction. Sometimes that also involves both parties being addicts.

When one partner decides to get help, the other can take it personally.

Case in point. My sister-in-law (hubby's sister) and her husband are both alcoholics. He went into rehab, and stopped drinking, then went into AA. She decided to leave him because as she put it "she refused to live in a house without beer."

Make sense?

Zinnie

December 11, 2003
12:59 am
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gingerleigh
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Hi Vonn. Change IS scary. Talking stuff out helps, and making up plans can help you visualize how things might work. Have you thought about what you life might be like if you leave?

Think of the types of things that generally motivate us as humans. Stopping extreme pain is one of them. If you haven't left yet, then the pain hasn't gotten extreme enough yet. I'm not saying that it has to get any worse, just that extra motivation might be needed. Like suppose you were in a job you hated, and you saw another job come up that you would like. Would you take it? Well, you'd probably have to think twice if it didn't pay what your old crappy job did. But what if it paid twice as much? MUCH easier to leave that old crappy place, eh? Maybe you need to build your dreams around not just how lacking in pain your new life would be, but how potentially rich in love your new life would be away from your husband. So not only would this change stop pain for you, it would also add joy to your life, much more motivation and reason for change, and makes taking that scary plunge more worth it.

No matter what you decide, the folks here will listen and do their best to support you when you need it.

December 11, 2003
11:22 am
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mj
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How are you doing Vonn?

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