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Why am I obsessing about this new relationship?
March 16, 2007
9:08 pm
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sad sack
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I just wanted to say that I am brand new to this site and came across your thread. I basically read your responses from beginning to end. I was drawn to the title of your thread (obsessing ...) because I have a tendancy to do that also. I needed to say that I am so impressed how you evolved from the beginning threads to the most recent one. YOu are amazing. I so related to how you were feeling in the beginning. I felt I could have written some of the things you were saying. I, too, am at the end of a relationship. THat is what drew me to this website. I needed help. I will reread some of your responses for strength and inspiration. I posted a thread today called "brokenhearted and I need help." Maybe, you could read it and give some thoughts. You are so much stronger than you think you are. You really should be proud of yourself. I will continue reading your postings and I will continue to learn. Thanks. YOur insights helped someone today.

March 16, 2007
9:24 pm
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readyforachange
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(((sad sack))) welcome to this site...and thank you so much for your post. I appreciate your support. I do not always feel strong, but at age 44, I have learned that I am the only person who will stand up for me! It's Friday night, my two teenage kids are out, and I'm sitting home alone. It's hard, knowing that for 3 months I had someone to do things with and talk to when I was alone. It's quiet, and lonely...but, I know deep down that he wasn't right for me. I know that he wasn't over his STBX, and his son deserved more of his attention than I did. I didn't like the way he dealt with it when I was honest with him...so I'm better off alone.

I will check into your thread, and I'm glad you've found this site!

March 19, 2007
7:30 am
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nvr2late
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ready!
I was away for the weekend..to get out of town for the big St Pat's day drunk that my ex's do!
so, I took the kids to my parents...and I am going to MN today..
so I have to catch up on what is going on!

I am thinking about you...and what you have been through.

please do not give up!

nvr

March 19, 2007
11:21 am
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lettingo
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readyforachange,
Dont' be so hard on yourself. You did the BEST you could with the tools you had. In time, you will look back and I believe you will feel good about how you handled it. You do deserve someone who is there for you. Not someone who keeps you on a string. I TOTALLY understand that fear of abandonement. The guy I was seeing starting out all sweet pursuing me and the moment he cancelled or became aloof I felt that panic (abandonment) and became instantly obessess. It is so crazy. Like I said I have since got out of it and we are now friends and he seems to call more now than he did before. I know this is hard especially when you got used to someone being there. I was the SAME way. It was so depressing at first but I do PROMISE keep away from him, no contact, and it will pass and you will see it all very clearly! Hugs!

March 19, 2007
3:45 pm
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readyforachange
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Hugs back at ya....thanks so much! I'm hanging in there. ((lettingo))

March 19, 2007
5:28 pm
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readyforachange
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Well, back to work today. It helps to have something to do. 10 days off work during this whole mess was not healthy for me. So, I'm back in my routine, and it has been 5 days since I contacted him. Yesterday was hard, today is easy. I seem to have a bad day, then a good day, a bad day, then a good day. The more I think about this logically, the more I know that this guy was not right for me. He wasn't emotionally available, and I deserve someone who is. He was still attached to his STBX, and going through the mess of a divorce, and fighting for custody of his son. He had so much going on with all of that, there was no way he could invest the time and effort for a relationship. What was I thinking?

March 20, 2007
4:37 pm
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2shy
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Hi Readyforachange, I just finished reading your entire thread. I am very impressed as to how you handled your relationship. I know that I would have made many mistakes. When you mentioned how he complained about his financial situation that really hit a nerve. I had my two ex's complain so much about their finances. I would then help them out financially only to resent them from taking money from me. I am glad that you didn't hand him money or pay any of his bills.

Hang in there. You are doing very well. You are an inspiration.

2shy

March 20, 2007
5:15 pm
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readyforachange
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(((2shy))) well, I don't know about that, but I'm trying to stand up for myself.

He text messaged me this morning...says he wants to see me this weekend so we can talk.

I waited about 3 hours, then text messaged him back and told him I needed to think about it, and for him to call me later in the week.

I know he's feeling guilty. I know he wants to clear his conscience...but I don't want my boundaries to be trampled in the process. I really, really have to give this some thought.

March 20, 2007
10:04 pm
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2shy
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readyforachange, I am glad that you didn't eagerly agree to meet him on the weekend. The RED FLAG that sticks out is the fact that he isn't divorced yet and he seems to talk about his ex a lot.

When I met my ex he was merely a friend. He was separated from his ex-wife. He pursued me for six months. His ex-wife kept trying to get him back. Well, I ended up falling for him. When we finally crossed the line from friendship to bf/gf (after he pursued me for so long) he dumped me and went back to his ex-wife. He came back to me after 2 weeks and I took him back (STUPID ME). He eventually got a divorce from her but, up until a few weeks ago, she still calls him every so often which really bothered me. They don't even have any children together. One time, he ended our date on a Saturday night, to run to his ex-wife because she just called him and she was upset because she had a fight with her new bf. She is currently a single mother now with her exboyfriend's child.

My point is getting involved with someone who is still harboring feelings for his ex is dangerous. Your relationship with him was going so well, and then he distances himself from you. He wasn't even with you on your birthday. You also mentioned that he doesn't bring you into his world....introducing you to his friends etc...

If you agree to meet him on the weekend to hear what he has to say then go BUT don't go back to him. If you feel that you might not be able to resist the temptation to fall back into his arms if you see him then don't see him. Hear what he has to say over the phone or just tell him that his actions towards you explains everything you needed to know. You don't want to hear more of his personal issues.

readyforachange, I understand how difficult it must be for you. I kept trying to justify everything with my ex. At one point I even wanted to be his ex-wife's friend. I realize if a man has so many problems now...with the ex and finances.....the problems won't just go away. It will just dampen your relationship more and more in the future. You will grow more resentment towards him. I know because I have been there.

I hope that you maintain your strength because you are doing VERY well so far.

March 21, 2007
7:15 am
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nvr2late
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ready! you are doing so well!
I am impressed with not jumping to meet him! please please be careful!
it really is more difficult when they are right in front of you!

tread lightly...the resentment starts when there are expectations...if you meet him, do it without any expectations...I know this is going to be difficult! I have been there so many times!

I have finally (FINALLY) taken myself out of those situations..try not to see the ex-bf or the ex-husband...
my ex called me the other day..we talked for 30 minutes, laughed and made some weird plans (riding motorcycles together)...

not that I ever think it will happen..but I then started letting emotions get involved...wondering 'why is he talking about this, what about his g/f??" then I find out that they were together last weekend.

so, my emotions got involved with the talk, then I was slammed back to earth!

so, be careful...he will have a sob story...it is hard to resist that!

we are caring, great women!
it is hard to not let emotions come into play...but try HARD...if you have to CRY when you leave..do that..don't let them see you vulnerable!

try to keep it in until you are done talking to him or seeing him..you are not his back-up plan!!!!!

sorry..venting!

nvr

March 21, 2007
11:06 am
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lettingo
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Ready,
I suggest you re-read all your old post and journals if you have some. So if you do go to meet him you will have your eyes wide open. Follow your gut, that small voice we sometimes ignore and only see it when looking back.

March 21, 2007
12:10 pm
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readyforachange
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I still haven't given him an answer yet. Not sure I can handle seeing him face to face, and know that I'll be an emotional wreck. I decided that if I do, it'll have to be in a public place so I will be less likely to cry or fall into his arms so easily. Still unsure...thanks for all of your input though.

March 22, 2007
6:57 am
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nvr2late
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never let them see you sweat! 🙂

if you do meet him, listen to what he has to say...try not to get emotional.

but, maybe for closure you need this?
I don't know...I would be tempted if I were you!

and curious.

so whatever you decide is the right decision!

nvr

March 22, 2007
9:05 am
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readyforachange
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nvr...that's what my friend keeps telling me. There's no right decision here, I have to just do what I think is best for me. I do feel that I don't have closure. Haven't seen him in about 4 weeks, and I'm still thinking about him all the time, wondering what went wrong, what he's thinking, why he reacted the way he did. And I feel we never got a chance to talk about it. He's asking for that chance...I don't know...I think it might be helpful for me as far as closure goes to hear what he has to say. Still haven't decided, though. He hasn't pushed the issue...didn't contact me at all yesterday, which is good, because I told him I needed some time to think and asked him to call me later in the week. He'll most likely call today to see if I've made my decision. Ugh...

March 22, 2007
9:20 pm
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readyforachange
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Well, he called this afternoon, and I agreed to see him tomorrow night. I really want to hear what he has to say. I know his life has been in turmoil lately...with his STBX calling family services on him, and reuniting with his son, and going through the divorce process...I remember how I was when all of that was going on in my life. So, I will hear him out...

I keep thinking about what happened...I basically sent him an email and told him he wasn't over his ex and I didn't want to see him any more...

Then he sent me a message saying that I wasn't competing with her, and I was beautiful outside and inside...

Then we just didn't communicate for a while...and now I just really want to know what it is that he has been thinking for the past few weeks.

So, I will hear him out...with no expectations.

And, I will try to remain rational, and calm, and reason through what he has to say...

You know, I think this guy has more of me than I really planned to give at this point....and I REALLY have to be careful here.

And...I have my list of things I need to say to him. He already knows this, because when he emailed me this morning, I told him I had several things I wanted to say to him after he told he how he felt and what he was thinking.

So, I'll let you all know how it goes!

March 22, 2007
9:33 pm
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readyforachange
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So...he called today. And I told him I would see him tomorrow night. He asked where, and I told him to pick me up at my house and I would think about whether we should stay here and talk, or go somewhere. I'm in a quandary about where to meet. If we stay here, I will feel more comfortable talking to him. If we go out, I will be more reserved and worried that I will cry in public. But it's safer to be in public. I'll think about it before he comes to pick me up. He was very sweet all week...sending me messages to tell me he hoped he could see me this weekend, and that we needed to talk.

I'm being very cautious...

March 25, 2007
7:41 am
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nvr2late
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ok...READY...what happened????
what did he say? what did you do? did you keep your wits about you?
where did you have the 'talk'? did is seem genuine?

ok..tell us everything!??? 🙂

I cannot wait to hear how it went.

nvr

March 25, 2007
11:26 pm
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Anonymous
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ready.... I know this discussion has gone on for over a month but justed to let u know I am also obsessing about a new relationship. Me 40, divrced year and a half. No children, professional and have a good relationship with my ex. We were married for ten years. Divorced because I did not want children with this person, too damaged..Great husband but very bad at affection. Stopped kissing me after 2 years. I stayed because we have everything in common...had a blast. We soon became pals but I yearned for affection. Also he was very wealthy and he showered me with diamonds, furs, beach house, house in europe but....I was so lonly because all i would get from him was pat on the shoulder. Anywho met someone on christmas..very young, 26. He has been married, for a year....very concerned. He is so affectionate but I see sometimes do cchildish things. I obsess when he doesn't call..tight stomach..even sweating, well this is getting long. Someone wanna chat ? Be blessed......

March 25, 2007
11:29 pm
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Anonymous
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misprint...he WAS married for a year but has been single for a year....LOL...very tired

March 26, 2007
5:55 am
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nvr2late
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Lady...
sounds like the start of many relationships! although he is young and probably not thinking about the things he is not doing...
and this is not meant for a cut, but I know men that are 40+ that are childish, so I am not sure what you mean about childish things.

it is difficult to have such a nice relationship with your ex and you recognized that he was too damaged to have children...so, you seem to have a great head on your shoulders!

maybe we just need to focus on ourselves..make sure we can make ourselves happy before getting into a relationship to see if someone can make us happy?

I don't know, I have been trying to figure out the answers myself! 🙂

a lot of energy is wasted on people that are childish and do not want to grow up...I have kids, so I get enough of that immaturity in my life.

maybe we are looking in the wrong places???

nvr

March 26, 2007
9:50 am
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lettingo
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Ready,
Hope all went well. I just hope you don't make "excuse" for him. Your last email kind of jumped at me " know his life has been in turmoil lately..." I know you have been where he is and have compassion, but you can go through turmoil and still treat people with respect. Again, hope it went well. Is it really closure you are looking for? I would really hate to see you get hurt again.

March 26, 2007
11:18 am
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readyforachange
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All...I can't really post much detail about this. We did meet Friday night, and it went okay. Not as I expected though. I'm still torn, because I am feeling he didn't handle it as well as I expected.

Sunday morning, my father passed away, so I'm dealing with that right now which is making all of the rest of this seem trivial. I will not have time to deal with any of this. I called him to tell him my father died. That's all I can do for now.

Please keep me in your prayers.

March 26, 2007
12:01 pm
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Shaney
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Wow ready, when it rains it pours...

((((ready))))

Love, hugs and many prayers to you! - Shaney

March 26, 2007
12:21 pm
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lettingo
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Ready, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my father last year so know that I am here for you. You will be in my thoughts...Peace.

March 26, 2007
2:18 pm
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nvr2late
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I am so sorry ready
((((hug))))

please take care...and you are in my prayers.

nvr

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