Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Why am I obsessing about this new relationship?
February 4, 2007
10:21 am
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Latest chapter...we got together last night again (two nights in a row!) We were supposed to see a movie, but he called me and said his daughter's plans changed and he had to go back home and take her somewhere. He apologized, but knew that he wouldn't get to my house in time for us to make it to the movie. So, he showed up and we were trying to figure out what to do next, and my phone rang. It was my daughter, who had gone to her dad's for the night. She was hysterical, and wanted me to come and pick her up. I knew I had to go. So I told her I'd be right there, and I explained to him what was going on. He was totally fine with it. He left to go home, and I left to get my daughter. He called my cell and talked to me all the way there, because he was worried that I was upset and wanted to make sure I made it there okay. Very sweet.

She was pretty upset when I got there. Apparently, her dad had ignored her for the 5 hours she was there, except for the time he was yelling at her. They've been on pretty bad terms since October, and she's just not ready to spend any length of time with him.

I think this one's going to turn out to be a decent guy...I'm still watching for red flags, though.

February 4, 2007
10:28 am
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

he sounds thoughtful and considerate! Good stuff!

February 4, 2007
11:42 am
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

balancesekr...hey, thanks! I must have missed your first post today. I really appreciate your input though. I am getting less and less obsessive about this relationship, because I'm beginning to trust this guy. He is a thoughtful and decent person, and if he says he's going to do something, he does it. I know that now. And, I'm less insecure about screwing things up, because I've put myself out on a limb a few times with him and he's always had a decent reaction. I can be vulnerable with him, and honest, and he gets it. He knows what I've been through, and I know what he's been through. We've talked about that at length, and we both know that we're not coming into this without baggage. But, we both try not to dump too much of our baggage on each other. He's more open about things, I'm not always ready to talk about the really bad details. But he always lets me know that he's there to listen when I'm ready to talk about it. And it's nice to know that he is.

He actually said something when he was leaving last night because he knew I was upset about my daughter. He said, "hopefully, we can help our kids make better choices than we did." Wow...how do you do that?

February 5, 2007
3:37 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

He is still being very attentive, without being smothering. He sent me a text the other night after I had to rush out to get my daughter, and told me he was already looking forward to next weekend. He sent me several text messages and called me last night, and we've exchanged a few text messages today. I told him he was spoiling me with all of the attention...but it is really nice to know that he thinks of me as much as I think of him. Which is pretty much all the time.

My daughter, my son and I had a nice long talk last night about relationships. We talked about my son's ex GF, and they both asked me how many "boyfriends" I have had in my life. I really had to think about that. It totals 4! And 3 of them are relationships that lasted no more than a few months...current one included. Pretty sad for a 43 year old. Anyway, it was nice to talk to them about this, and I'm glad they feel comfortable sharing their feelings about this with me. Maybe that's the start of how you keep your kids from making the same mistakes you made...

February 6, 2007
7:11 am
Avatar
nvr2late
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ready!
oh my...sounds like things are going so well!!!!
I am so happy for you!

and yes, maybe the open conversation is the way to go.

and maybe not make the same mistakes.

of course I have to deal with that right now, my ex's g/f is moving in with him after 3 months of us being divorced.

I am stuggling with that..but I do sound sane when talking to him...
it is my daughter who is freaking out!

you are so lucky, although I don't have time for a b/f...at my meeting last night...I had a guy hanging around me...saying things like I was cute..blah blah blah

I just wanted to get back to my hotel!!!

nvr

February 6, 2007
12:39 pm
Avatar
smiling
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Everyone! You are so kind -- it just warms my heart. I realized after I had posted that perhaps I was supposed to post on a different concerning my issues with men! But no, you guys are so kind that you responded to me too. How much wisdom we can gain from one another. How we are all connected as human beings!

Ready for Change -- I am so happy to hear you are not obsessing about this relationship -- first sign that it is good for you. He obviously makes every effort to make you feel secure. Open communication seems to be so important.

Thanks to all of you, I will try to remember that too. We get so caught up with our pride and not wanting to get hurt that we fail to really connect when there is genuine trust in a relationship. Thank you so much for reminding that there are decent people in the world out there. I am also reminded that if I give trust then others will give me trust.

I look forward to hearing about your relationship. It gives me hope that the right person will come along.

All the Best!
Smiling!

February 6, 2007
9:03 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hey, all...hope things are well with you.

nvr...sorry to hear about the ex and his GF. Good time for open communication with your kids about how they feel about this, because I'm sure he's not considering their feelings.

smiling...you are always welcome to post and get feedback here! Hope you do more often!

well, we had an interesting conversation today. He called while I was at work to check on me, because I had sent him an email in the middle of the night. I had insomnia...lots of that lately, and it's wearing me out.

Anyway, his conversation was interesting. He kept alluding to his financial situation. How he was leasing his home and couldn't buy or build until his divorce was final. How he had 2 more years to pay on his car, but it needed quite a bit of work and he had to pick up his tax return so he could get the car repairs done. And how his credit score wasn't going to be so good once the divorce was final, so he may not get such a good interest rate when he did buy a house.

I'm a little stumped by why he was bringing all of this up. Part of me thinks he wants me to know that he's in financial trouble. Part of me thinks he wants me to know what I'm getting myself into. I don't know.

I feel like I should tell him it's okay. I am financially stable. I don't expect him to shower me with gifts, or take care of me, or pay for expensive dates. I don't expect some expensive Valentine's Day gift. I've always paid for half of the dates we've gone on. I feel it's only fair. He pays one night, I pay the next. I want friendship, companionship, company. Not money.

Do I say this to him, or would he be upset? So far he's been totally okay with my honesty. And I want him to know that I don't expect things from him. Just want him to be there for me.

I don't know. I knew he had red flags. Three kids, an ex, a STBX, custody battle, legal bills...now he tells me about financial trouble. Should I be worrying about this? He's sweet, and attentive, and we enjoy being together. I don't plan to marry the guy, or move in with him, or blend our families. Ever. Just want to have someone to spend time with, share things with. Is that wrong?

February 7, 2007
6:37 am
Avatar
nvr2late
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ready...
hmm...interesting..I think that he is starting to feel comfortable with you and taking it to the next level..maybe he just needs to talk about it and see if you have suggestions? or maybe he just wants to talk!

I am not sure he wants you to do anything other than listen...nor is he trying to 'warn' you...but his comfort with you is a good thing.

don't try to give him answers...just listen..if it gets more in depth..then you might need to think about what he is saying..

but sometimes people just need to bounce things off of each other.

and yes, I think my kids will stop wanting to see him.
but I don't know what to do about that.

my ex does not think about their feelings and it is difficult for me!

thanks again...

it is 75 today in Tampa! šŸ™‚

nvr

February 7, 2007
10:19 am
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

nvr...thanks for the input. You're right, maybe it means nothing. I overanalyze EVERYTHING, it's a big fault of mine. So far, he's been really good about accepting that particular fault, and dealing with me when I just give him too much information. I'm not really sure what to do with this informaiton, but I'm not going to do anything unless it comes up again. I think that's the best way to handle it.

I can't remember how old your kids are, but I think they are old enough to make their own choices. My son (who is now almost 17) chose not to see his dad for almost a year when he was 15. Now my daughter, who is 13, chooses not to see her dad very much. I have stayed out of their decisions, and let my ex deal with his relationship with them. My daughter went to his house for 5 hours on Sat. and called me to pick her up. She doesn't intend on going back anytime soon. I notified my ex that I would be meeting with her teachers to discuss what was going on with her because it has definitely affected her grades (they have been "fighting" since October). He emailed me back to tell me to make sure that I told the school how it was my idea to tear our family apart, and how I was the one that snuck around behind his back with my lawyer for 6 months before I filed for divorce, not having the guts to tell him anything. God, I want to respond to that email....but I know it wouldn't serve any purpose. He makes me CRAZY!!!

Thanks for your input as always...wish I were in Tampa with you in the sunshine and warmth. It's about 18 degrees here!

February 7, 2007
4:32 pm
Avatar
nvr2late
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ready...
yes, I have that fault also...over analyzing EVERYTHING!
maybe he needs that trait with you now, about his finances? šŸ™‚

and maybe it is something he just wants to give you a clue to?
wait and see what more is said, then use your clear thinking to help him if asked.
my ex-b/f used to do that too..just talk and talk..I really never put any input in..just listened.
I think that is what he needed.

as for my kids...My daughter is 12 and my son is 6.
I am not sure if she will stop wanting to go over there, I think she will..but my son does not have a choice, although my daughter told me that the g/f yells at my son, and her dad seems like 'he does not love him'...she gets upset because he yells at my son and sends him to his room because he is hungry!

and my daughter tells him to let my son out of his room..and it takes her 1/2 hour for him to listen to her!

and my daughter hates the g/f...tells me she is ruining everythign and taking their dad away..which is true.
she is not comfortable there...
so, we will see what happens.

and your ex...too funny!
of COURSE it is YOUR fault! šŸ™‚
idiot!

I would have to go back to court to have custody changed???
I don't see him agreeing to it..unless he does not have to make any changes!

nvr

February 7, 2007
9:48 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The GF sounds awful! Wow, I don't know how long your kids will be able to handle it. You don't have 50/50 custody, do you? How much time does he have with them? They are still pretty young...too young to call the shots like my kids do. Luckily, I get to stay out of it and let them choose when they want to see their dad (which isn't very often).

February 8, 2007
7:08 am
Avatar
nvr2late
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ready..
she does sound awful..I have not met her..but I am sure my ex tells her horrible things about me..I am crazy..blah blah blah.
yes, we have 50/50...I had to agree to that..he kept threatening to go for full custody and the GAL did not listen to me.
but, oh well...

I know it will happen..if she decides not to see him, he will not take my son.

he only wants them so he does not have to pay more...he made that clear.
does not go to conferences or much of anything for them.

as long as she does not take over those things, I love doing them...i cannot imagine dealing with her.

he is selfish, and as long as no one questions him, it is all good for him.

he is an idiot...
ok 75 degrees here!
so, it should be a good last full day here!!

nvr

February 10, 2007
11:33 am
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, he met me for a drink on Thursday night, and came over last night after he spent some time with his son. He called me while his son was there so I could listen to him talking (wanted an opinion about whether his speech sounds normal for a 2 year old). We had a great evening just relaxing and talking.

He said something during our conversation about his sister's ex husband...how they had been friends, and he was concerned when they first started dating because this guy only dated girls for one reason. And...it's been 10 weeks of dating, and we're still at the kissing phase. And he seems perfectly comfortable with that. Is that normal? I don't know what to expect? He's definitely not pushing, but then I wonder...why not?

He is sweet, and gentle, and a good dad...it is so cute to hear him talk about spending time with his son. And he texts me before he picks him up to tell me how excited he is to get to see him. He also celebrated his daughter's birthday the other day, and he went all out. Shopped for the things she wanted, had a cake made with her favorite decorations...he told me in detail all about her birthday, and how excited she was. It's so neat to see someone who cares about their kids!

February 11, 2007
8:52 am
Avatar
nvr2late
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ready!
that is neat to see someone do those things for their kids!!!
and I would not stress on why he is not trying anything more...maybe he needs to feel comfortable too!!

when it is right, it will happen..you know that.
and maybe that is when it is the best that can be..you will know each other and feel COMFORTABLE without that pull away...come back dance!

enjoy the excitement that he has!
it has to be a great feeling that he is back with his kids...maybe he just wants to enjoy those emotions before moving on to new ones!!!

you are lucky, because most women have the opposite problem..could be the guys that we are picking!

good luck to you!

nvr

February 12, 2007
10:05 am
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think we are at a turning point in this relationship. In the past week, it has become pretty intense. I saw him three times last week, talked to him on the phone every day, and we sent text messages back and forth all week.

So Saturday night, after spending three days in a row with him...I only slept about 3 hours. I woke up in the middle of the night with all of these feelings that I just didn't know what to do with. So, I wrote a letter. One that he will never read, but just a way to get my feelings out.

And yesterday, I sent him an email and mentioned that I hadn't slept well and had written him a letter. We've talked about these letters before...I write them to my ex, he writes them to his. Just an outlet. So, he emails back and tells me that he hopes someday I'll feel comfortable enough to share my feelings and thoughts with him. And we go back and forth for quite some time discussing how we both feel, and how insecure we are, and how we're trying to take it slow, but there are so many feelings we both have. It was probably one of the most meaningful, real, honest conversations I've ever had with a man. My ex and I NEVER had conversations like that, and I was with him for 24 years.

And, we saw eachother 3 times last week, and still no push for sex.

BUT...my daughter seemed upset yesterday morning, and I asked her what was wrong and she said "I don't want you to get married again." So...we had a long talk about that, and I told her that I do not plan on getting married again, and that if she was not comfortable with me seeing someone, that I would stop. I told her that she always comes first, and that if she didn't feel that way, that I wanted her to tell me. I think she understands that I need to have friends, just like she does. And that I need to have someone to talk to, and go places with, just like she does. But she has so much going on right now, that I don't know if this is the right timing for her.

This is really complicated...when I just wanted it to be fun and easy. I wish I could just be the kind of person who has casual relationships, and never gets involved with anyone. But I know that's just not me.

February 13, 2007
3:13 pm
Avatar
smiling
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow Ready! You have a real neat guy on your hands. No sex after so much intense chatting, spending time with one another. Both of you are really going about this the right way -- building trust. I imagine your daughter is feeling threatened b/c she doesn't understand the change you are experiencing. I am sure you will find ways to include her so she feels more secure with what is happening.

Good Luck!
Smiling

February 14, 2007
5:52 am
Avatar
nvr2late
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ready...
yes, I agree with Smiling...
you have a real neat guy on your hands!!! is not moving too fast and really respects you and wants to keep this relationship going and knows that there is time!!!
yeah!!

and for your daughter, she is scared and she is threatened....but keep reassuring her, my EX is NOT doing that..he is just trouncing on my daughters feelings...like they don't mean anything.

take it slow, and keep communication open, that is what is needed, keep reassuring her and do not force this man into her life yet..I know you won't.

she senses something is up...they always do, just be honest, it goes a long way!!!

keep telling me what is going on...I am living through you at the moment! šŸ™‚

nvr

February 14, 2007
9:51 am
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, yes...he is great. In every way. I haven't found a problem on his end.

My problem is my kids. The more I communicate with him, the more my kids rebel. Last night, it all came to a head. The BF had called me early in the day, but my daughter came upstairs crying after having an argument with her dad, so I ended the conversation to go talk to her. I told him to call me later that night.

So, when he called back, I was playing cards with my son. We had all been home all day (school was cancelled for snow), and spent the whole day together. I got up, went into my room, and finished our conversation. I was on the phone for 30 minutes. When I came back, neither of my kids would speak to me. Finally, they told me that they didn't want me to see him or talk to him anymore, and that I had told them that they always come first, so I shouldn't have phone conversations when I'm in the middle of doing something with them.

And I have no idea what to do. I can continue this relationship, but contact him only when my kids are not around. I can break it off before it goes any further and I get really attached to this guy, which could happen quickly.

The thing that hurts is that early on...6 weeks ago or so, I asked both of my kids how they felt about me dating. They both told me they were fine with it. My son, the one who is most upset about this now, even told me I should get married again.

I told them (and maybe I shouldn't have) that I didn't think it was fair of them to tell me that they were okay with this, and then to change their minds 6 weeks down the road.

I truly do not know what to do.

February 15, 2007
4:44 am
Avatar
nvr2late
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ready...
give them some time...keep communication open with them.
you are not doing anything wrong..he is not living with you, you are not forcing him on them.

they are threatened and you have always been the secure safe one.

let them tell you what is bothering them and validate their feelings.

you don't have to give up your life, but they just want to make sure they will have a place in your life, and you know they will!!! keep reassuring them of that.

take things slow...but you have a right to be happy...you DO!!!

you are doing the right things...geez...I see how my life would play out if I was seeing someone.

yikes! šŸ™‚

nvr

February 15, 2007
1:40 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I had a nice talk with my son last night. He told me he doesn't care if I see this guy, but that he doesn't want it to take away from the time we spend together. He told me that he wants me to see him on weekends, so he can go out with his friends and feel that I'm not all alone. But during the week, he needs me to be there for him. And I respect that.

You're right, I just have to keep the lines of communication open. And I will continue to talk to them about this, and ask the BF to cool it with calling me on school nights.

February 16, 2007
3:11 pm
Avatar
nvr2late
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

that sounds great! and you are doing it correct!!!
that is wonderful...
you are a great mom!!!

I will take cues from you!
I am so glad you took care of that and feel better!

nvr

February 16, 2007
4:28 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thanks, nvr...I don't feel like I'm doing much of anything right at this point in my life. But I'm trying my best...

Should see the new guy tonight. The kids both have plans, and I hope we can talk a little bit about things that are going on. I want to have the "define the relationship" talk, and see where he stands. We've emailed a bit and alluded to both of our fears, and doubts about dating...but never really TALKED about them. So I want to do that.

I have had a crazy week! It can only get better, right?

February 18, 2007
7:07 am
Avatar
nvr2late
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ohhhh......the defining the relationship talk!!
I am SO glad that others need that too!! I have always wanted that kind of talk, and I thought it was just ME trying to figure it out.

good...so, let me know how that went!
and if those talks really work! šŸ™‚

I hope it can only get better!
because otherwise I am in trouble!!

let me know how things are going!

nvr

February 18, 2007
9:25 am
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, I saw him Friday night. And we were both so exhausted from our week that we just sat on my couch and watched TV and talked. BORING! But I sort of got the talk that I wanted...I asked him what he wanted from me. I think he was a little shocked by the question, and it didn't really come out the way I wanted it to. So I told him (again) that I wasn't looking to get married again, and that I didn't want to disrupt my kids lives, but that I just wanted someone to hang out with, and talk to, and share stuff with. He said he wanted the same things. I wasn't really happy with the way it went. It's strange, he says all kinds of very deep, honest, real things in emails and texts, but when we are face to face, he can't really talk much about "real" stuff. I hope that gets better.

We spent another 2 hours on the phone last night, mostly talking about our kids and what they have been through with the divorces. He talked about spending time with his son, which I love to hear about because he is so damn sweet when he talks about him. It's like his whole world stops when he gets to spend time with him...and he tells me every detail, every cute little mannerism or sweet thing that he said. I only wish my ex had a tiny fraction of that kind of love for our kids. It's just not fair.

Anyway...this weekend he has his son overnight for the first time. His STBX kept him away from him for almost 2 years, and now the court has set up a visitation schedule. I know I won't see him this weekend, and I've told him that I am totally fine with that. But I know I'll miss him.

I keep getting more and more involved emotionally, and I wonder if I'm making a mistake. This is always going to be a weekends only kind of relationship...his youngest is 2 1/2, he has two other kids, he is a financial mess right now...what am I getting myself into? I find myself overlooking all of that because he is such a decent, honest, caring person. Or at least he seems to be...

February 19, 2007
1:23 pm
Avatar
readyforachange
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 6
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
100sp_Permalink sp_Print

This may be moving faster than I want it to...he sent me an email last night. Usually, his emails have one or two little bits of information that come from the heart. This time, it was a long, deep, soul-baring letter to me. It made me cry. He told me how he is so happy that we can talk so openly to one another, and that we can start to trust one another. He told me that he loves to be with me, and that he sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night thinking about me so much he can't go back to sleep. And that he thinks we both want the same things in a relationship. He told me that the other night, he wanted to stay...but understands that I'm not ready for that. Wow...it just took my breath away.

As far as my kids go, I didn't see him this weekend when they were around. I won't see him next weekend because he has his son overnight for the first time, and I think they should have time to adjust together. So my kids are getting a little break because I think they were getting overwhelmed at how fast it was going.

Now, though, I'm at a point where I feel like I could hurt this guy...and I'm feeling guilty about that. I'm afraid I'm getting into something I'm not ready for, and that he's getting too involved too fast. That's why I'm so hesitant about sex, and about using the "L" word...just not ready for either of those things after 3 months.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
24
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110914
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38535
Posts: 714196
Newest Members:
Striker1s, marcusz, Keara, Venn, Jolebio, loni89
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer