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Why am I obsessing about this new relationship?
January 21, 2007
10:20 am
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readyforachange
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I think I'm going to use this thread to post my feelings about this new relationship. A journal, of sorts. I have so many thoughts and feelings right now, and I just don't know what to do with them. I feel like I need an outlet for them.

First of all, I feel so alive. I have known this man for 2 months, and he has awakened feelings in me that I thought were dead. I have decided that I am going to enjoy being with him for the time we are together, and keep my expectations real. I enjoy every touch, every kiss, and every minute that he is paying attention to me. I finally even feel like I deserve that attention.

Last night, after we had spent the evening together, he sent me a text and apologized for not being more fun to be around. His STBX has been sending him lots of ugly messages, telling him she will continue to not allow him to see his son. They had a court date last week, which she cancelled...so his hopes of seeing his son were lost. It seems that he's really distracted and upset about this...but for once, I don't feel that I need to help him with this, or fix it for him. He really tries not to vent to me, or share the negative things he's going through. But when he feels he's not focusing on me, he apologizes. That has happened a few times, and I appreciate his honesty.

At times, I feel like I should have someone who is more emotionally available to me...who doesn't have an ex and a STBX and three kids. Someone who can pay more attention to me...but then again, I can't devote that much attention to a relationship right now, either. My kids need my attention, and so does my family and my job. I don't want to become obsessed with the idea of being in a relationship, so I'm trying to just enjoy the time we're together and the attention he gives me. I hope this doesn't turn out to be a huge mistake.

I just want to keep taking it slow, and enjoying the time we have...even if it's only a few hours a week. I sure hope that can happen without either one of us getting hurt.

January 21, 2007
10:35 am
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AND...we've had 10 dates over these two months, and no sex. It really blows all the theories I keep hearing that if I haven't had sex with him yet, he won't stick around. He totally isn't pushing it, and neither am I. Not sure I'm ready for that, and I don't think he is either. And, I'm a little afraid that it will become an issue in our relationship, and I won't handle it right.

January 21, 2007
7:03 pm
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so, the more I've been thinking today, the more confused I am about this relationship. I just don't know how to define it. I don't know why I'm overanalyzing it, and I think I'm getting way more serious about him than he is about me. I REALLY wanted him to call, or email, or text me today...and I kept checking. Nothing. I don't know why I want so much attention from him. I knew going into this that he was not going to be able to commit much of his attention to me. He has a pretty high pressure job, three kids, an ex, an a crazy STBX that is driving him insane. What am I doing getting myself involved with someone who is so unavailable? Maybe I know that I can have fun with him, and not be expected to commit. But now my heart is wanting more than that...this is all so confusing. I need to have some definition to this relationship, but I don't want to approach him with that because I'm not sure he's ready to have that conversation.

January 23, 2007
7:01 am
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Ready!

well, funny how we are WOMEN and actually THINK about things!!!!
it is amazing to me to think that some men do not think about what we do, but I guess that is the way it goes.
we have a way of getting 'serious' and trying to define a relationship that we do not understand.
like you said before it is tough, because you don't have the time to throw yourself into a relationship and spend all your time with him...odd, isn't it...
we DO want that..but we don't!

maybe we just want that 'comfortable' feeling that someone is there for us, not necessarily THERE all the time, but knowing that we are on the same page and nice to KNOW you are in a relationship without the neediness of one.

it is difficult to know when to have THE conversation....I guess that is something you have to decide. and I don't even know what that conversation IS!
but we need to know what is going on...I always say I can process what I KNOW...most men are not going to come out and say they are emotionally unavailable, because I am not sure they even know what that is...but you know in your heart, your instincts what that means to YOU!
we now have a choice to decide what we NEED out of a relationship, what we will not do without.
we have the experience of crappy ones, ones that did not work.
there is a certain amount of time that you can go with things just 'being'...but maybe us women come to a point of needing to know (security???) where things are going, if they want a relationship or if they just want to have fun.

I am all for FUN...but when emotions start getting involved, it is tough.
since we are wired differently, we feel the need to talk about emotions, some men don't....I will NOT NOT get into a relationship where emotions or feelings cannot come in at some point! I did that with my ex, I NOW know that it is a non-negotiable...we need to know that we are going in the right direction..we are working towards SOMETHING!

ready, you are a smart woman, follow your instincts...we have them for a reason.
If you need to have THE talk with him..make it light and non-pressuring.
you have a right to know what is going on, since it takes 2.

and remember, I am taking the lead from you! šŸ™‚
no pressure...but I am truly interested on how things work out.

nvr

January 23, 2007
9:46 pm
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Aw, nvr...I'm not sure I'm such a good role model. I may have completely blown it.

So...he calls last night to talk. This is a guy who talks ALOT! He talks about work, his kids, his STBX...and mostly, I listen. We talked for about an hour, and I probably talked for a total of less than 10 minutes and I had to interrupt to get a word in edgewise. I like that he talks, but...

Anyway, toward the end of the conversation, he spent about 10 minutes talking about his STBX and their custody battle. This is a topic that I have a hard time with. I try to be supportive, but lots of it brings back bad memories for me, and I just don't feel comfortable talking about it. So I just listen.

So, after he doesn't get much feedback from me, he ends the conversation and tells me he'll talk to me later. So, I stew about how this went for about an hour, and then I send him an email telling him I'm sorry I wasn't more supportive and offer more feedback, but that that particular topic makes me a little uncomfortable and I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it with him just yet. I told him I felt it was too close to home, and even though I thought I was over all of the bad feelings from my divorce, that sometimes it just comes creeping back. I then kind of joked about what "safe" topics of conversation are for me...you know, like the weather, sports, kids...

Stupid, stupid...I know. I haven't heard back from him. I'm sure he's thinking I'm a bitch for telling him what he's allowed to talk about. I can't believe I sent the email in the first place. I was just kind of hurt that he would spend an entire hour talking about things that were all about him, or things he has told me in the past he would try not to discuss with me (divorce, custody battles, his ex). So, being the strong, independent, speak her mind kind of "new" woman that I am, I go out and tell him what he can and cannot talk about. And, I've pissed him off more than likely. And I'm not sure I care. I've thought about it a lot today, and I'm just not sure that I want to be with someone who can only talk about himself. He doesn't ask me how I'm doing, or how my day was, or what I'm thinking. NO...I take that back...he does do those things in emails, and text messages. He does not do those things in personal or phone conversations...what is that about? He can be very sweet and sensitive in writing...but not in person. I guess that's what is so confusing to me. I'm getting totally mixed messages from him....he writes and tells me how much he likes being with me, and how I'm beautiful, and classy, and he misses me. But, in person and on the phone, he talks about totally inane things that just don't matter. I just don't get it.

I can't figure it out at all...and I don't know how to read him. This is all so confusing.

January 23, 2007
10:51 pm
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well, now he has emailed me back and apologized for involving me in so much of his personal life right now. He was actually very sweet, and told me I was right and that we should stick to more positive topics.

I feel like such a jerk...

January 23, 2007
10:56 pm
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Hi. I haven't been on in sometime. I needed to read your email to understand where I am too. So thank you. I will tell you this from reading your postings, I think you probably have a good guy on your hands, but he's been hurt. It is going to take him time to get to where you need him to be. But I think he is giving you good encouragement. If he is treating right, calling you, emailing you, those are all good. Telling him you are not ready to speak of custody battles, etc. that is you being honest. Give yourself permission to be that person. That's self love. If he can't handle a little honesty than maybe he's really not there for you. Trust in your instincts, Trust that you are where are supposed to be. If you are not, listen to that funny feeling inside that tells you that. Also remember, keep living your life and every thing will have the proper perspective. It's when you don't have enough going that you tend to obsess. I know because I find myself doing that about a guy I like. I like him so much, but I don't know where it is going either. I know where I would like for it to end up -- marriage and kids. I pray that is what will happen. Keep the faith!

Smiling!

January 24, 2007
6:04 am
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ready...
like you said....if those are 'safe' topics for you, be HONEST!
one of the guys I was talking to did that too..6 years divorced and they are still going to counselors to see who the 'crazy' one is! they have a 10 year old son, and I do not want that to be me...and listening to all that I had a hard time with!
it brought up too many feelings for me, and I would just listen.
never getting a word in edge-wise.

he had a lot of other red flags too, constantly saying that I had a good job, he bets I make a lot of money..blah blah..those are things I would not talk about with him.
I just said..'I am doing well and keeping my head above water'

it is interesting, I had never even met the guy, he was calling all the time (I have not heard from him in a couple of days, whew!)
and he would swear, and make sex comments..YIKES!
very uncomforatble stuff....I have vowed never to meet him!

and the ex-b/f is coming around again! ugh! and I find myself wanting to HELP him! dammit, if I could get out of that pattern..although I am doing better and ready to let that guy go!

ready, my advice...which you are already doing...BE HONEST..he is feeling comfortable with you..that he can talk to you about his stbx, and that is a good thing he is comfortable...but not at your expense of bringing up old feelings!

I know that I do not want to talk about my divorce, it is over..I am moving on...but you remember what it was like to be in the middle of it..needing some validation...someone to tell you that you are not crazy!
there is a fine line for having a good conversation...listening to his problems and the feelings of old hurtful things...if this brings this out in you, then that is what you need to do..TELL HIM!

I never appreciated HONESTY from people before now, maybe because I did not know that they were being DISHONEST..or maybe I just did not want to KNOW!

but, you are doing the right thing...tell him, you can listen to him, but tell him when it gets too much for you, you have to take a break!

it is all about you these days..what you feel, what you need...what feels right for you!

but it does not sound like you ruined anything by sending that email.
if he cannot handle it, then you don't need to explain yourself.

nvr

January 24, 2007
11:57 am
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smiling...thank you SO MUCH for your post. It has helped me stop second-guessing myself so much, and to validate my instincts. I keep feeling like I need to be totally honest with this guy about everything. So far, he has dealt with all of it very well, and I do feel he is a really decent guy. I do know he's been hurt, and I don't want to do that to him all over again. That's why I feel like I need to be so honest...that, and the fact that I'm at a place in my life where I feel people should know what I'm feeling and thinking. And if they can't deal with it, then I really don't want to be with them. So, I'm trying to keep things in perspective...I've only dated him for 2 months. But also, to keep myself from obsessing about him, which is hard.

nvr...I guess it is just hard for me because I have never been in a relationship where it is all about me. I don't know how to deal with that. I want that, I want him to know what I'm thinking, and feeling...but I'm afraid that if I tell him, he'll run for the hills. Do you think he's sitting around analyzing our relationship like I am? Hell, no! But I do think he can open up to me, he's done it many times. He's told me that trust is a sensitive subject in his life right now, because of his STBX, and the fact that she has kept his son from him for so long. So I understand that he has issues, and he's been honest with me. I don't think either of us are out to pretend that we don't have any baggage...God knows, we all have baggage. It's part of who we are...he and I have had that conversation.

So, I emailed him back and apologized if my intention wasn't clear in my first email. I think it will be okay...this is about the third or fourth time we've had little bumps like this, and he always seems to react the right way. Good sign. He can deal with my honesty, and has proven that more than once.

It's just so scary to give a piece of your heart to someone when it's been SO LONG since anyone was allowed in, you know???

January 25, 2007
5:50 am
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ready!!!
oh yes!!! I can understand being scared! and letting someone in is TOUGH! we all have trust issues, some of us more than others, but that comes from years of wondering what someone was up to!
you are right to be scared, to be worried that he will not take you seriously...to not to want to let someone in AND to go SLOW!!!!!

baggage, yes we all have it...there is no reason to pretend...but it has made us who we are, he likes you for WHO YOU ARE!!!!
you are doing SO well...I am SO impressed at the talks you have had!
believe me, I want that so bad..not to FIX anything, but someone to LISTEN to me!

I cannot let the ex-b/f in because he has hurt me in the past, I am SO guarded around him, and I need to let him go...and I cannot seem to do that for some reason, I must like pain!

but I am moving forward...the one guy I am talking to, I know is not right for me!
the other guy called me last night and said he was honest and wanted to tell me what was going on, his STBX got so mad that he was dating, she filed 5 charges against him in court (I don't know what they are)...but in the VM he explained that he did not want to pull someone into the drama...well, I know that feeling!

this guys seems worth talking to!
but, that is after his divorce, I know what it is like to not want to deal with all the crap and work on a new relationship..it is hard to go back and forth with feelings like that!

but the ex-b/f keeps coming around...and I cannot let go of that...keep wondering if things will change, well..it HAS been 2 years..and they have NOT.

oh well, someday I will learn!

you are doing everything right! take this slow, you don't have to let him in all at once.
trust is built over time...2 months is not that long...
maybe women need a goal, or something that we feel we are working on?

just be careful and remember what it was like when you were going through your divorce!
you are over yours, he is still in all the emotions!

slow and steady win the race! šŸ™‚

nvr

January 25, 2007
9:47 am
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(((nvr))) thanks for sticking with me through this...it is so important for me to know you are there šŸ™‚

We plan on getting together again tomorrow night...I hope to keep drama out of the picture as much as possible. I told him I really wanted to be a respite from all the negative stuff for him, and wanted him to be that for me. He told me he totally understands that, and that we would try to keep things positive and fun. That's just what I need right now...

Sounds like the ex-BF is wrong for you, and you know it. I am SO glad that you are using your head more than your heart...so hard for us codas to do. Keep that in the forefront, and I think you'll be okay. Hang in there...like you said, slow and steady...

January 26, 2007
6:20 pm
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Good I am glad you want me there rooting for you, because I AM!
so how did the night go????

yes, he is wrong for me, I know this...but it is tough cutting the strings...more for him, than me...
I am just taking one day at a time...and letting the time that he talks to me get longer and longer in between...

we can DO this!!!!

January 27, 2007
9:54 am
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Hey, nvr...the night went okay. He came by my house, and both of us had had such a hard week we just sat and talked all night. He's been really worried about an upcoming custody hearing because his STBX is threatening to make some pretty scary accusations about him. I had a bad week with my ex who has cut my daughter out of his life again, and told me he wants to take me back to court for 50/50 custody. So, we both needed to talk. I hate to fall into a pattern of using eachother to vent about our ex's...but last night that's what we needed. Anyway, I love talking to him, and he really is a good listener and has great feedback for me.

AND...no sex, and no pressure to have sex. I just keep thinking at some point he's going to push me to go farther than I want to go, but right now, he is taking it very very slowly and following my lead, so to speak. I appreciate that a lot. I wonder if maybe he's hesitant to get that involved??? Do guys think that much about it like we do...do they realize that sex changes everything? I think he might...but I don't know.

So, have you talked to the ex or the new guy?

January 27, 2007
7:20 pm
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ready!!!
good to hear that he is listening to you and you are to him and no pressure for sex...that is almost too good to be true! maybe he is not ready for that intimacy either.

both of you needed someone to lean on and that is alright!
at least it is a two way street and you are not just dealing with his issues nor is he with you!!
take it slow....

well, the ex (Husband) seems to be doing well with his new G/F...she stays alot at the house, the kids are with her on his weekends..I was hoping that he would get what is coming to him or she would smarten up...guess not! so, I deal with that so much better now....but it still hurts a little.
I have decided that I am TOO NICE..I let these guys hang on because I cannot be mean and tell them to NEVER call me again (ex-b/f I have..but he keeps coming back and I feel bad for him)...last night I decided to get MEAN...because it seems like I am the only one that is feeling the affects of this...he texted me at 9:30 asking where I was..and I told him that I was with a guy that I just met...

even though I was rolling over and going to sleep..dammit..let HIM wonder for awhile and realize that I am not there for him as his 'back up'...I am tired of that..I have enough going on in my life right now!

the other guy has not called..so I am not calling him...I understand how hard it is to deal with a divorce and everything that goes with it...I will let him be.

I am in FL next week for work, it will be a nice break, that is for sure!

I have sure come full circle, I have become comfortable being alone, and comfortable as my role as a mother...this girl does not threaten me...and I have figured out that the anger that I had, should not be directed at her.
she does not know him and he lies so much.

so, I take everything with a grain of salt...and hope that I make it through without too much damage!!!

ready, you are getting it together.
I am so happy to hear that you have met a NICE guy!!! they are out there!

I cannot wait to hear more!!!
nvr

January 28, 2007
3:48 pm
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nvr...I love it! Telling him you were out with a new guy you met! Priceless (like the cell phone commercial where Joan Cusack says "I'm at the gym" while standing on the street eating an ice cream cone!) Maybe he'll get the hint?

I'm proud of you for feeling secure in who you are right now...and having the strength and courage to be OK with that. It took me a LONG time to get there, but I finally feel that I'm okay without a husband, and I don't need a man in my life. It's nice to have one, but if I don't, I can be okay by myself. I think that's where normal healthy relationships come from...a peace with yourself and your life as it is. Someone can come along and complement it and share it with you, but you don't need them to fill any void, or play a certain role. That's the way I feel with this guy now...I'm a little past the obsessing about when and if he'll ever call me again; I know that he will pretty much on a daily basis if he can. BUT...if he doesn't, I know that I'm gonna be okay. I'm independent and intelligent and self-sufficient and a good parent. I can, and have, done this by myself for almost 2 years. While I love having someone to talk to, and go to dinner with, and see a movie with, I'm okay to be by myself if that's where life takes me.

I had a party to go to last night, and he had something to take his daughter to. He told me to call him if I didn't get home too late, because he would love to see me again. It didn't happen, but it's nice to know he was thinking of me. We talked on the phone today, and made plans to get together this weekend. I don't know where this is going, but I'm just trying to enjoy it along the way.

I do know my boundaries. I'm not willing to compromise them for anyone, and I don't think he's the type of guy to push me. We shall see.

Enjoy your time in Sunny Florida! Wow...must be a nice change from Milwaukee in January...I remember those bitter winters with the winds off the lake. Yeow! Take care!

January 29, 2007
6:03 am
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ready! I felt TERRIBLE for lying...but you know, I am tired of being the only one that seems to be wondering or that really cares about what is going on, I am one of those people that have to 'define' things..and it was always up in the air with him! I HATE that!

and I believe you are right, healthy relationships are born from a peace with yourself and not feeling like you HAVE to have someone, you want it..but you have a life as does he.
and I am glad you are past obsessing about it...since that does not good!
and you will be ok if he is not around and that is what counts.

it is difficult to get to the point of being ok with your roles in life...as a mother, I know this new girl will not take my place, so I am good with that...I know that being alone is not too bad..no resentment and I KNOW that I have to move on with my life for ME..not someone else!

my moving on is going to entail being there for my kids, and working on my professional career and getting more education..that is not wrong!

so, we all do what we have to do, stick to our boundaries...and hope that we can break our unhealthy patterns!
we are great women and deserve SO much!

and as you proved, relationships do not have to be all about the drama..I am getting there!

nvr

January 30, 2007
9:47 am
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nvr...thanks, you're right. I think we both understand what a healthy relationship is now, and we won't settle for anything less.

Today is a big day for him...he goes to court for a custody hearing. His STBX has kept his son from him for almost 2 years, and she has not appeared for any of their hearings, so things just keep dragging on. The courts have told her she has to be here today. So, we'll see what a judge decides. I've decided that I need to let him know that his kids are obviously his first priority, and that it is going to take time to get to know his son again. I'm being positive about his being granted some custody or visitation...at this point he has nothing. I know he and his kids will need time to reconnect as a family, and I don't want to interfere with that.

Boy, everybody has baggage, don't they? I keep telling myself that I'm crazy for getting involved with someone who has so much baggage, but I don't think there's anyone out there who doesn't have some. Maybe I'm wrong...

I'm proud of you for focusing on yourself and your education right now. You'll be glad you did...

January 30, 2007
11:20 pm
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Gosh, it is so good to see your postings. I learn so much and am reminded of what a HEALTHY relationship and interest in a man is like. I was praying for this today -- we are so worth it as women but somehow we forget that we are deserving of men who care about us. As I mentioned, I really like this guy -- I want the marriage and kids with him. But we've never been out. I just see him at the gym, getting to know him. We such great conversation together -- really makes me smile and laugh. But he is facing a tough situation -- he's out of work and is an intelligent guy. He occassionally mentions a girlfriend but I don't know if there is really one or if he is making me jealous. I can't figure it out. I think he has been hurt and just needs to be in control. I have mentioned guy friends, and I didn't that can be translated to I am seeing this person! That's when our miscommunication occurred. He backed off and then we reconnected but it's created uncertainty. I've mentioned very casually perhaps we should have coffee, and he seemed ok with the idea but it hasn't happened. Why do I say kids and marriage with him? He feels so right when connect and let each other into our hearts. It's the strangest thing. I guess that's why I speak so much about instinct and trust. Should I concern myself with the girlfriend or should I just keeping chatting with him? I don't want to waste my time if nothing is going to come of it. I must say I did show my feelings last week when he mentioned a girlfriend. I made him jealous by introducing him to a friend at the gym. He came back the next day trying to make amends and looking into my eyes. I like this guy. I keep asking why do I? I don't know if it's the feeling. Help! I need your prayers. I will pray for the two of you too.

All the Best!
Smiling!

January 31, 2007
6:26 am
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ready...well..how did his court hearing go??? and you are right, you may need to step back for awhile, if he gets visitation he will need some time! wow, that poor guy...not seeing his kids, it would drive ME crazy!

you are doing things right...putting things into perspective and going with that.
you are smarter than you know!!!!
I love reading your posts and watching you encourage the man in your life, we do that well! and he seems to appreciate that!
you are a wonderful person!

smiling...hmm....I went down that path recently..making someone jealous or just wanting to see if they care!
it is a fine line to walk, you don't want to create uncertainty..but you want to know where you stand!
I get that!

take that slow, it does not seem that this guy is ready, especially if there is a g/f involved...don't set yourself up to be hurt.
he backs off..comes back...
how long will that last? could be a LONG time...I have a guy that has done that for 2 years!

and I STILL don't know where I stand with him!
I hate that to no end!

take care, be strong and both of you remember...you deserve PEACE and great relationships.

DESERVE them!

nvr

January 31, 2007
4:03 pm
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smiling...HI! Thanks for sharing your story. I can totally relate to what you're going through. I seem to have the same feelings sometimes. I've learned something about myself, and I don't know if it is what's happening to you, but I'll throw it out there. I need attention. I need to know that a man can be interested in me. It's important to me, and sometimes I'll go to ridiculous lengths to get that attention, almost to the point of me feeling pathetic. I conjure up all kinds of fantasies in my head, and obsess too much about things that just aren't realistic. And, it has been the hardest thing for me to control and unlearn. I had to do LOTS and LOTS of work on loving myself and accepting myself. It has taken YEARS, and I still fall right back into it sometimes when I think that someone I'm interested in has lost interest in me. (Hence the title of this thread). I've dated a little in the past 7 months, and each time I did I spent the time after the first date obsessing about whether the guy would call me again. Even if I didn't really like him, or wasn't really attracted to him...I still wanted him to call me. It's something I struggle with a lot. I have to keep reminding myself that I have good qualitites, and that someone would be lucky to be with me. And if he doesn't realize that, too bad. Easy to say, hard to do. So my advice is, love yourself, and work on affirming yourself. Focus on that, and the right guy will appreciate you for who you are.

nvr...the court hearing went well. After 20 months of not seeing his son without his STBX supervising and limiting their visits, the court ordered that he begin normal visitation with him TODAY. He was so excited about it, he called me right away. It was very sweet. I later sent him an email telling him that I really wanted him to take the time to focus on his kids right now, and reuniting this child with his two other children from his first marriage (whom he has about 80% of the time). He emailed me back and told me that he appreciated that I understood his priorities, but that he needed balance in his life and that he felt part of that balance was seeing me. So sweet. And we talked for almost 2 hours yesterday...once after the court hearing, and later on that night. And we email and text message eachother all day long. It's moving pretty fast...but he just seems so excited about seeing his son again, and needs someone to share that with. And I'm glad he wants that to be me.

So, I should see him this weekend. And I can't wait. And I feel like I'm beginning to trust him a little more, and trust myself that I'm not going to screw this up.

Any word from any of the bachelors in your life?

February 1, 2007
6:23 am
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nvr2late
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ready...your post hit a cord with me!
attention...knowing you are appreciated and wanted and thought about! YES, YES, YES! it is a hard thing....I had a dream about my ex last night..that he wanted me to come over and said he wanted to be with me...so I get to my old house (in my dream) and he decides that he is going to go out with his 'friends'...and I am freaking out..he does not know if he is going to meet the g/f and in my dream all the old feelings come out...the lying, the distrust, the obsession...oh how I HATED those feelings!!!!! and in my dream, he loved doing it to me!
when I woke up I realized how much I like NOT worrying about all that stuff!!! how peaceful it is not to wonder anymore about his drinking, his 'not very honest in our marriage'...and the crazymaking!!!

it was a tough dream, but it was needed! It puts things into perspective...I would never want him back, I would NEVER want to go back to that!
I want someone who wants me for ME and feels that he is lucky to have me! wow, when I think that I am lonely...I am going to go back to that dream in my mind..and realize that I like PEACE more than I like feeling like an idiot in a relationship!!!

and I am SO happy for the guy that you are seeing...he can see his kids and develop that relationship again! and he wants balance...and I LOVE that he is so excited and wants someone to share this with!!! and I am happy for YOU!

we all need to feel valued..not expendable...to think that we are special to someone (preferably someone HEALTHY!)
and this sounds like a HEALTHY give and take relationship!!!
yeah!

as for the bachelors in my life...
one will not leave me alone (calls all the time, and I have been more than forward with him, I think anyway!)
the other one, dealing with his divorce, has not called me..I will not call him either, there are things he has to deal with and I know that it is tough to spread energy around! and I would rather have him call me after all is said and done! I do not want more drama!

the ex-bf...well, remember that I texted him figuring he would stay away..well, he did not ....he has decided that he wants to 'talk'...which I know after 2 years that is a major step..he does not like confrontation, so, if the TALK ever happens...I will listen and make my decisions based on that..not resentment!

but I don't see it happening, but he keeps coming back..I am comfort for him, he does not know what he wants..and I am not sure I could even give 100% to him, I believe it is to the point of no return.

so, I am just getting ready to go to FL..spending time with my kids...
and balancing work in the middle and I am signing up for courses at work, I always have loved to learn...
so that is my focus these days!

AND...to top it all off..one of the mothers from school say my ex and his new g/f and could not believe that it was his g/f...as she says it..she is YOUNG, but she is SO plain! šŸ™‚ she sure is not the 'trophy' young g/f! so, that made me feel better...since now I have heard that I am much more 'woman-like' than her and much prettier!

so, sometimes little things bring me up!

keep posting! I love to hear about healthy role models in dating!!

nvr

February 1, 2007
10:35 am
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readyforachange
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(((nvr))) thanks...and yes, the little things make it all worthwhile. Sometimes when people would say, "What in the world was your ex thinking, letting you get away?", that was all that I needed to hear to keep moving on. It wasn't much, but it helped to hear it.

He saw his son last night, and it went well. He called me as soon as it was over, and told me every detail. What he said, what he ate, what they did together, and how well it went. He was so excited, and I was thrilled to get to share it with him. He is SO positive, and I love being around that energy. This is a guy who experienced his parents' divorce, the death of his dad to cancer, two failed marriages, and being separated from his son for over a year...and he can still be positive. I find that amazing.

Your dream is very interesting, and I hope you do remember it. I know how powerful the messages can be in dreams. Being ignored and feeling invisible is a HUGE issue with me, and something I struggle with all the time. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one.

smiling...how are you?

February 2, 2007
8:22 am
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nvr2late
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ready...that positive energy is addicting!
it is a wonderful thing to be drawn to!
and you are right...hearing how your ex could let you go..I LOVE that one! šŸ™‚
and it is enough to give you a little power back and feel like you are actually worthwhile!

it is so wonderful to hear about your guy getting visitation and telling you EVERY detail!!! there you go! šŸ™‚

sounds like you are lucky and he is lucky to have you!

there is peace in that feeling!

nvr

February 2, 2007
12:21 pm
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readyforachange
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yeah...it is a great feeling. He emailed me last night and told me he wanted to see me both nights this weekend, and he hoped that wasn't too selfish of him. We had planned to get together on Saturday night, but he asked if I was going to be free on Friday night, too. Then, first thing this morning, he text messages me to tell me good morning. I don't know if we're moving too fast. I'm trying to be cautious, and go slow. But he's moving pretty darn fast!

Enjoy your trip! Bring back some sunshine!

February 4, 2007
10:21 am
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balancesekr
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hi readyforachange,

I didn't see the beginning of this post but I read this
"I need attention. I need to know that a man can be interested in me. It's important to me, and sometimes I'll go to ridiculous lengths to get that attention, almost to the point of me feeling pathetic. I conjure up all kinds of fantasies in my head, and obsess too much about things that just aren't realistic. And, it has been the hardest thing for me to control and unlearn. I had to do LOTS and LOTS of work on loving myself and accepting myself. It has taken YEARS, and I still fall right back into it sometimes when I think that someone I'm interested in has lost interest in me. (Hence the title of this thread). I've dated a little in the past 7 months, and each time I did I spent the time after the first date obsessing about whether the guy would call me again. Even if I didn't really like him, or wasn't really attracted to him...I still wanted him to call me. It's something I struggle with a lot."

It sounds like you are on the right track. I can totally relate to you in that paragraph. That is cool you are hanging this weekend with your man. Don't forget a little me time šŸ˜‰
b

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