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Why am I obsessing about this new relationship?
January 11, 2007
12:16 pm
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readyforachange
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Okay, so he sends me a very sweet email this morning. Checking to see how I'm doing. Apologizes for missing my call last night and letting me know it was too late to call back when he saw I had called.

And alluded to our plans Friday night, so I guess it's still on.

I'm not responding just yet. I think I've been too eager, and need to be a little more "aloof and mysterious".

Thanks for the book recommendations, artist. I need to look into those...it'll keep my mind busy, as you say. I've been trying to throw myself into as many things as possible so I won't spend so much time obsessing about him.

And, for the record, we didn't kiss until the third date. But it has escalated quickly, I'd say. More hand holding, hugging, kissing....very sweet, no groping...just my style.

Maybe you're right. I should just come out and ask him the DTR question...and get his perspective on when he thinks sex should come into play. I hate being totally out of the loop about these things. But I don't want to turn him off by bringing up the subject if he isn't even considering it.

God, why is this so damn complicated!!!

January 11, 2007
2:37 pm
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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I'm a guy, and I'd say he's probably very ready to have sex with you. And, if he's already waited practically 2 months...then he is interested in you for more than JUST sex....

January 11, 2007
7:53 pm
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Hey missnhim...thanks for the guy perspective here. I'm 43 years old, and haven't dated in over 20 years. I don't have casual sex, so if he doesn't want to wait for me then he can move on to someone else. I hope that's not the case.

January 12, 2007
6:13 am
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nvr2late
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ready....since there are 2 people in the relationship..I think you have to BOTH be comfortable with the sex portion...and for women it really is a DIFFERENT relationship when that comes into the picture.
Sometimes some men do not understand that..and that is ok...but you have to feel comfortable to make those decisions since it is not what he decides.

I am glad he contacted you..and maybe the next time it will just be a reminder that you don't know what he is doing and we can make up all these things in our minds that they are doing....and of course it is always a bad scenerio! šŸ™‚

be patient...feel comfortable with yourself to know that you are worthy of this...and try not to let the doubts creep in.

even thought we have had horrible relationships in the past..we are not failures...we make mistakes like everyone else! we would not be who we are...or where we are without mistakes!

and you seem to have learned from your mistakes! and are on the right path to a healthy relationship..if not with this guy...someone else!
don't compromise yourself!

remember..I am watching you..and learning from your experiences! šŸ™‚

nvr

January 12, 2007
10:10 am
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ready,

He IS a guy...so he is probably considering it.

BUT, what are YOUR limits?

You have got to know so that you are confident and have your decision made.

Keep us posted! šŸ™‚

January 12, 2007
11:06 am
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readyforachange
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nvr and artist...

I've given this a lot of thought. First of all, I really feel that things will TOTALLY CHANGE in our relationship if we have sex. To me, it's a huge step that I am just not ready for right now.

Second, we both have kids. Teenagers to be exact. I won't feel comfortable moving this relationship to that level and having my kids know about it. I preach safe sex and abstinence to them as much as I can, and that sex should be in a committed relationship. I believe that, and won't compromise it.

Third, I'm scared to death to talk to him about this. I do want to know what he's thinking, and where he stands. But I don't know what to say or how to say it without him thinking I'm neurotic and overanalyzing what has just been a fun relationship.

January 12, 2007
11:25 am
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2bstrong
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Ready...read Dr. Phil's new book about relationships. You are obsessing...guys don't think about relationships 24/7 like we women do. They don't respond to every detail like women do. Especially when they are getting comfortable with someone, and it sounds as if he is getting comfortable with you. Give him a little bit of space.

I'll be back in a minute, I have to read the rest of the posts...2b

January 12, 2007
12:00 pm
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2b...thanks. I have quite a reading list to work on!!!

I know I'm obsessing, I just don't know how to stop. The good thing is that I've figured out how NOT to let HIM know I'm obsessing. And I'm afraid if I bring up the sex thing too soon, he'll think I'm totally neurotic. He has mentioned to me that many of the women he has dated have just wanted to get married, and he knows that's not what I'm looking for.

January 13, 2007
3:22 am
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So...it's 2 a.m. and he just left. We went to dinner, and then out for a few drinks. We came back here. At one point, I just told him what I was thinking. My kids are gone, and I feel like I should ask you to stay, but I'm not sure that I'm ready for that. And he said, So wait until you're ready. So, we talked and kissed for a while, and then he went home. So, we had the talk...sort of, and I know where he stands and he knows where I stand. And I enjoy every second we are together.

January 13, 2007
4:55 am
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nvr2late
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ready!
good for you!!!
you said what was on your mind...and he gave the greatest response!

you are very lucky and he seems to like being with you too!!!

I am happy for you!

see...I knew you would be a good role model! šŸ™‚

nvr

January 13, 2007
7:38 am
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(((nvr))) thanks! I feel so much better now that I've said what was on my mind. And, now that I know he's not going to push it. I sort of knew he wouldn't, but I was making something out of nothing. After last weekend, he seemed distant. I thought it was that I hadn't asked him to stay, even though my kids were both gone. It turns out he had a pretty crazy week, and just wasn't as attentive to me as he usually is. Last night, he told me he missed me all week. That more than made up for the days I had to wait for him to respond to an email. I'm glad I didn't go off the deep end and let him see that I was obsessing. That would not have been good at all. And, he told me that he was going to have a hard time waiting a week to see me again...and I told him he was just too sweet.

Anyway, thanks for being there and listening. It means a lot to me...

January 13, 2007
8:38 am
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nvr2late
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ready!! did you get ANY sleep????

well, I am glad you handled it the way you did! and being honest and saying what is on your mind is what we ALL need to do!
otherwise we end up in non-communicative relationships that we have been in!

so, I have a question..I am talking to one guy that I have not met yet...he is kind of pushing for us to meet...there are many many red flags..divorced for 6 years...they all have to see shrinks to see who the 'crazy' one is...he is currently falling apart physically...back surgery...arm surgery..blah blah...

he has referred to financial problems he has had in the past.
well..the problem is..I feel like I am too nice to tell him that I do not want to meet him!

but if I do..I am afraid I will feel sorry for him and try to FIX him..and actually..the other guy is so much more together.

how do I let this other one down without hurting his feelings?
I am afraid I am just scared to start ANY relationship!

shouldn't I move on????
I am ok without a man, but sometimes I wonder if I am just not even opening myself up to it!

well, any advice would be helpful!

and I am taking my cues from you ready!!!!!

nvr

January 13, 2007
10:34 am
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nvr...here's what I would do, as honesty is my new mantra.

Tell him you have met someone else, and plan on pursuing that relationship. Then, go out with the other guy! You deserve to have fun, and so do I!

Here's another piece of advice...give it at least 3 dates. I really didn't care for this guy on the first date. He was too anxious, trying to impress me too much. I think he was nervous, which is kind of cute. But it took until the third date before I realized that he was a decent person.

And...he has a ton of red flags waving. Married TWICE, in a custody battle with his current STBX, and is still married!!! Legal bills mounting, two kids from his first marriage. But I'm having a good time...so where's the harm?

Please keep me posted!!! Happy shopping! Hope your daugther finds just the right dress.

January 13, 2007
5:01 pm
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ready!
she found the perfect dress and we had such a great time!
even her dad said it was great...

it was all worth doing it with her!
I am glad I stuck to my guns.

she kept thanking me and telling me how much fun she had...
and how great lunch was...so it was worth the experience and the bonus time with her.

red flags are a-flying!

I don't want to go out with this guy..I am going to call and tell him that..nicely.

and I am going to spend the night alone in front of my fire!

doesn't get much better than that!

nvr

January 13, 2007
7:14 pm
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ready,

Way to go!

That is a great way to let him know! You didn't have to scream out "SEX" to talk about it either. That is great!

January 14, 2007
9:23 am
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nvr...I am so glad you and your daughter enjoyed your shopping, and found just the right dress. I can't wait until my daughter's first dance. And I think you made the right decision for Bachelor #1...if you see the red flags, why bother? Now, for Bachelor #2...what about that one?

artist...thanks for the vote of approval. I can't believe I actually handled something RIGHT for a change. He's always saying "What are you thinking?"...so that night, when he did, I just told him. And it actually worked out okay.

So, last night he came over to watch a movie. He met my daughter (he'd already met my son). This is definitely going to be weekends only kind of relationship because we are both just too busy for anything else...emails and calls during the week, see eachother once or twice on weekends. But for now, it's all good.

Thanks for being there, y'all...I sure wish you all had been here when I started dating my EX!!!

January 15, 2007
5:03 am
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nvr2late
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ready!

bach # 2..I am scared to CALL him!
he called me last week...and we talked and it was very nice..but then I have not talked to him since! and I am not obsessing over it! šŸ™‚

I don't know what to do about that one...this is all new to me!

yes, I will keep you posted too..because I know the feeling of wishing you were all there when I started dating MY ex!
I wish there was good advice to be listened to and that i WOULD have listened!!!!

but probably not!
I was too young at that time....

and yes, you are too busy to see each other during the week..and that might not be too bad!
then there is no wondering how you will fit everything in! but then again...you like being with him..so you want to be with him more!!

but that is where compromises can be made in the future!

and it sounds like you are enjoying it all right now! good luck!!

nvr

January 15, 2007
8:56 am
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nvr...hmm...to call or not to call. That is the question. If you are really looking for companionship, it couldn't hurt to touch base with this guy. Maybe ask him to meet you for coffee or something. Or, play the waiting game and see what happens.

And I agree about being too young when I met my ex...I was 17, and wouldn't have listened if someone told me he was a mass murderer. I was head over heels in love, and nothing would have changed that.

January 16, 2007
7:57 pm
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I think I'm feeling a little more comfortable with our relationship. I still check my email a lot, but if I don't get a response from him, I don't worry about it so much.

He has been having a difficult time with his STBX, who seems mentally unstable and has refused to allow him to see their son for a long, long time. He hasn't shared a lot about this with me, but I know last week was pretty rough on him. He always tries to be pretty positive and upbeat when we are together, but I know she's been sending him nasty text messages because he has received them before when we were together.

I know that the fact that he's been married twice should be a red flag, and the fact that his current STBX is unstable and wanting to make his life miserable should be another red flag...but I really do enjoy spending time with this guy. He is more honest and decent than anyone I've known in a long time. He has shared feelings and thoughts with me that I don't think my ex ever was able to talk about. It's weird, but I feel drawn to him.

Should I be more cautious??????

January 16, 2007
9:14 pm
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ready,

I have no idea. It is hard to say...I guess just take it slow.

Sometimes, I wonder if it would help to talk to his ex's so your intuition can guild you through knowing who is unstable and who isn't.

But I don't know how well that would go over.

January 17, 2007
9:16 pm
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nvr2late
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ready...
it is funny! because I also wonder what my ex's new g/f thinks of me calling him and standing up for my daughter!
I am probably proving to her what my ex says about me....that I am crazy!
there are always 2 sides to a story...you do not know what he does to her.....

or if she is really unstable.

I guess if you really wanted to know you would talk to her when the time is right...but otherwise, I would stay out of it..they DO have to work it out together for their kid(s)...

so, there is no reason for you to get involved...remember what it was like during your divorce!

so, don't read too much into what she is doing, we have all been there!

nvr

January 18, 2007
8:13 am
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artist...it is hard to say, and I don't think I should worry about it too much at this point. I'm sure my ex has told people things about me that make me look like a total b**ch. I don't think talking to the ex's would do anything for me, especially this early in the relationship.

nvr...you are right, I need to stay out of it. And he really does try not to bring the subject up, it's just when she sends a nasty text and we're together,I can see his reaction. And I know what you mean about what our ex's must be saying about us. I've had to let go of all of that, but my ex turned MANY people against me. I realized that if they were going to believe his word without even asking me my side of the story, they weren't really my friends to start with. No loss.

Have you heard from Bachelor #2?

January 18, 2007
8:42 am
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ready...good for you!
stay out of it...and deal with it if you ever have to!
does it really matter if they talk to us??? (the g/f's) they would not listen anyway! they see the good side of them...do not know the history!
it would be too much for us to go into anyway...

well, I have not heard back from bach # 2...I might have to call him!

but I am putting a 'moving on' plan together...decorate my new house (well..I have lived here a year and never felt like it was my own..I am going to change that!)

and taking classes at the college for my work..then moving on to my Master's Degree....
it is funny...I have been SO down about my ex and his moving on..
that I have refused to look at what I have been doing to move on...which is NOTHING!

so, it is TIME!

I hope things are going well with the new guy...just remember..there are 2 sides to a story and he might know how to push her buttons...LORD knows OUR ex's did!!!

take care!!!
nvr

January 18, 2007
8:45 am
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ready,

It really is complicated with all the here say, isn't it?

I guess what one person says about another might be really tainted with anger over the dimise of the relationship.

I guess I just thought of it because I am reading a Lundy Bancroft book about the abusive mentality befind the abusive behavior.

The abuser often tries to make his EX look mentally ill or like a total biatch...so that is why I thought of it.

January 18, 2007
6:10 pm
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artist..I agree with that!
I am sure there are ways that they need to look good and validate why someone dumped them or they dumped someone else...sort of 'saving face'

so, it is a fine line to walk..I don't care what others think of me...but it does drive me nuts to think of my ex making ME look bad..when he was totally HORRIBLE to me!

so, eyes wide open!!!
nvr

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