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Why am I obsessing about this new relationship?
April 22, 2007
4:08 pm
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fantas
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readyforachange, Good for you gal! I am so proud of you. Maybe it was all that sleeplessness that was causing all the emotions in the last little while. Wow, I am so envious of you for going out there and getting into the dating scene. I am so scared I am just sitting on my laurels. I need to do something though. There had to be some good person for you. Enjoy the date, take it easy. Good idea with the red flag list. Take a green flag lists too:)

April 22, 2007
6:48 pm
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nvr2late
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ready..wow!!
Good for you!

and take things slow, you definately don't want to go backwards!

I am impressed that you seen to be handling things so well!!!

I on the other hand....
am getting my EX through his job loss...and he is a little needy...
I should just tell him to figure it out for himself!
but I am way too codependent and nice!!!

šŸ™‚

nvr

April 22, 2007
6:55 pm
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fantas...thanks for the encouragement. I'm just figuring it will be a diversion from obsessing about the last relationship. I have to let myself know that other men can be interested in me, too, and there's one out there who is right for me. It took me TWO YEARS after my divorce to be ready for this.

nvr...be careful not to put too much of your energy into helping your ex. Go back to the list of things he did to you, and why you divorced him, and how he has treated you and your kids since. You owe him nothing. Let his girlfriend get him through this. I don't want to see you get hurt again, or let him use you. You're too good for that!!!

April 23, 2007
5:41 am
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nvr2late
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ready,
thank you for that...I called my ex last night after he dropped off the kids, he wants to start going to my church...I told him that is not a good idea, I go there for peace!
he did not understand..I said that i would not feel comfortable with him and her there...and she would not be either!

duh!!!
of all the churches in this world1 my gosh!

I told him also, that we have to separate our lives again, we are getting too involved in each others lives...
and I was honest...in some ways I still love him, and I am going to be a big piece of sh*t again when he finds a job.

it is a hard line to cross..
he feels he needs to see a counselor, he is going to get rid of the g/f, surprise surprise..he is CONFUSED and I told him, you are going to hurt this girl!!!

and i almost feel sorry for her.

my kids come first, i don't want them confused either.
we have co-parent counseling this week.

should be interesting...IF he shows up!

nvr

April 23, 2007
9:36 am
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lettingo
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readyforachange,
Glad to hear you are feeling better. THANK GOD for antidepresants. For many people that are such a huge help during "these" times.

I'm glad you see you deserve better than married guy! Make sure you keep us all up on what happens with the match.com guy. It is way too soon for me but I think it great taht you are putting yourself out there again. I know what you mean about just needing that attention. After all we are human!

April 23, 2007
1:42 pm
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readyforachange
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nvr...you're right. He'll only need you while his life is a mess. Then he'll throw you back to the curb. BE CAREFUL. And the church thing, OMG! Like he can't find another church to bring his GF to?

lettingo...yes, sleep and antidepressants are gonna get me through this. I feel so much better. The new guy and I are meeting tonight for a drink. I like him because his profile said that he wants to build a friendship first. He knows that people with kids have crazy schedules to work around, and that it takes people who are flexible and understanding to make it work. I agree with that. We'll see how it goes.

April 23, 2007
10:40 pm
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ready...well???
how did it go?
and believe me, i think antidepressants are a god-send.
I see the people that are not using them (2 men that I know)..and they are SOOOO screwed up, but they are experts at hiding the crazy part of themselves.

I am reading Codependent No More again! I wonder when I will GET it?
and why I sacrifice myself for their pleasure???

ready..move on, maybe our lessons are to learn to let go a lot faster when we meet these guys.

please just keep your eyes wide open!

nvr

April 23, 2007
10:53 pm
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lonely and addicted
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Hello....I just read your very first post. I am new on here and I am not exactly sure what this is all about. My friend told me I needed to go to al-non the other day and while on the internet today I did this search and here I am.
Anyway, I read your first post and it was like reading my very own words. I have been seeing a new man for about 6 weeks and I am completely obssessed. I talk to him every day and if I don't hear from him I freak. I see him about 3 times a week and like you I always think I have done something wrong.
My problem is that I know he likes me but if I could I would be with him all the time. I don't want to cling but to be honest I want him to cling, I want to feel wanted, I am a great person but very lonely. I know a man can't take away that lonliness but it sure helps. I have three beautiful kids and at times I feel so bad because I want them to go totheir dad's so I can be with this man. Talk about feeling like a bad mom.
I wanted to reply to you, I don't know what I am doing on here yet but your first post was amazing to me.
How are you doing?

April 24, 2007
9:10 pm
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readyforachange
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nvr...well, we met for a drink last night after a meeting I had to go to. He was nice. Just nice. No chemistry, a few little quirky things that irritated me. Like, he says "you know" all the time and isn't a great conversationalist. And, he kept reaching over and touching my knee, or my leg. Bugged me. But, a good listener, and seemed like a good, decent person. But...he also called me before 8 a.m. this morning, and emailed me later in the day. A little too much for me. But, I got myself back out there, and I'll probably see him occasionally. I think he was really nervous, and I try to give someone 3 dates before I decide they aren't for me...unless they are total creeps.

(((lonely and addicted))) oh, honey, I am so glad my posts have helped you. If you have time, it might be a good idea to read the whole darn thread. I don't want you to get into the same situation that I did. I fell for this guy's attention and sweet talk in the first 6 weeks, and then I ignored so many red flags and allowed him to treat me so badly it wasn't good for me at all. I still think about him, but it is getting easier every day. I slipped last week and contacted him, but not since then. I'm trying hard not to do that again. That is the only way I can get past this.

It is hard, but try, try, try to focus on other things. Yourself, your kids, your hobbies...anything. Also, try to use affirmations every day. I have issues about being rejected, ignored, and abandoned. It is SO hard for me to understand that I am a beautiful, worthwhile person. I have to tell myself EVERY DAY all of the good things about myself. Try to start every day by telling yourself - into the mirror - that you are strong, intelligent, beautiful...anything you feel about yourself. And believe it. It seems silly, but it helps.

Take care of yourself...

April 25, 2007
10:33 pm
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readyforachange
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Well, no word from the new guy today. Thank God. I guess I'll see him again if he asks. My friend and I are going to a singles event on May 11th. And, I guess I'll talk to my neighbor about the guy she wants me to meet. Gotta move on. Live and learn.

April 26, 2007
4:50 am
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nvr2late
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Ready,
you are doing ok!
and you do not have to settle for any guy that comes along! šŸ™‚

go out, have fun...date many men!

I was thinking about this the other day...the difference between my ex and myself, is the fact that when I get into a relationship..it will be for the long haul...not just to fill a void in my life and anyone will do.

It will be a healthy, happy relationship...that the person will respect and cherish me..
you cannot force that, nor can you make yourself feel that after a date..

it comes with time, and knowing someone.

you are doing fine!!!
but do not settle! please!

you are a wonderful person that deserves much better than what you have been getting..but YOU need to see that!

takes time, and patience.
do not settle...

maybe that is why I am not in a relationship..if it is something that I have to force (respect, wanting to be with me..) I don't want to be in it!

and I can wait for that.

and you can too!

nvr

April 26, 2007
5:04 pm
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readyforachange
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nvr...you are SO right. Do you ever eat Dove chocolates? The foil wrappers have little sayings inside them. The day I signed my divorce papers, I came home and opened one. It said "Never Settle". I saved it for 2 years, and I just mailed it to Mr. Married when his pre-trial started for his divorce. Stupid me.

Okay, so here's what the men in my life are doing today:

My ex-h, who has been AWFUL to my daughter, called her to tell her he can't take her to dinner tonight like he promised, but maybe tomorrow.

The ex-BF, who has been ignoring me for almost two months and broke 2 dates with me, just sent me a text message asking how I was doing and telling me he has been without his phone for a week.

The new guy, who I have met once and is a little too touchy-feely for me, sent me an email this morning telling me he is sorry he missed my call yesterday, only I never called him. Then this afternoon, he sends me another email saying he is sorry for the mistake, but he saw an odd number on his phone and thought it was me, only it turned out to be his daughter's counselor. Now that he knows I'm in town for the weekend, he wants to get together. (I was supposed to go out of town, but cancelled).

I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO OR SEE ANY OF THEM!!!!! I'm in such an "I hate men" mood today...they are all making me crazy.

April 26, 2007
8:36 pm
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readyforachange
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Where are all the normal men?????

April 26, 2007
8:57 pm
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lonely and addicted
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Define normal šŸ™‚ They are all taken or gay............

April 26, 2007
10:00 pm
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readyforachange
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Hmmm...I'm not sure I agree. I have 3 men in my life right now who are neither taken nor gay. But they are not normal by any means.

Normal: 1) not emotionally attached to another woman; 2) not addicted to anything; 3) has a steady job; 4) is a good, supportive father if he has children; 5) does not play games or control you; 6) is reliable and does what he says he is going to do; 7) can deal with honesty when you tell him how you feel or what you want/need in a relationship; 8) wants to be with you for more than just sex.

I guess that's about it. Does he exist?

April 27, 2007
10:54 am
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nvr2late
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ready.. that is so perfect..
that is a NORMAL man! and I am sure there are some out there.

I heard on Grey's Anatomy yesterday...'the ones who do not know what they want, hurt the most'

it was so profound...and so true.
if they are not 'normal' they are hurting....because of someone, or something.

it is difficult to get to know that...my ex-h has that new girlfriend and told me recently that he cannot give himself 100% to anyone, because he loves me.

he is very confused....so the SAD part is...she is going to get hurt..or going to stay with someone she does not KNOW...because I am sure he will not tell her that part of our conversations.

he can separate those feelings when he is with her...but us with more experience would KNOW those signs.

she might be able to be 'talked out of them' or convinced..and the saddest part..is that my ex will let her live her life that way.

so, good thing I am not in a relationship..because I just want to have one with ME right now!

nvr

April 27, 2007
3:57 pm
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lonely and addicted
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That is pretty good for a normal explination, does it exist???? Some people find them but do we have to be normal also?

My ex is getting divorced again, he is getting to be a bigger ass, so if a man acts 'normal' I would probobly wonder.
Maybe that is my problem, maybe I am dating normal and I don't know how to handle that.......

April 27, 2007
10:07 pm
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readyforachange
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Hey, girls...got an email from the new guy today asking if I would be free to do something this weekend since I'm staying in town. I told him I'd see, because I may loan my car to my son. I'm not really up for seeing him right now...but I don't know why. I'm emotionally exhausted from the counselor, psychologist and arguing with my kids because I wasn't leaving town. Took a bubble bath tonight, had a glass of wine, and am planning to read a new magazine until I fall asleep. Got a little housecleaning done, and tomorrow is a pretty busy day. I just want to take care of me and my kids this weekend...is that wrong?

April 28, 2007
7:19 am
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nvr2late
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HA...ready..you know the answer to that! it is NOT wrong to take care of yourself and get yourself centered again!

that is nice of him and if you can tell him that another time would be good...but this weekend I just need some space.

and don't make excuses!!! you have every right to make a decision for yourself and kids.

it is respectful to him that you tell him what is going on, if you do not know him well enough to say that...just say I need a little alone time.

and tell me that you were just asking that question for validation of what you already knew! šŸ™‚

nvr

April 28, 2007
11:48 am
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readyforachange
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yeah, I already knew it and had made up my mind. Just wanted validation šŸ™‚

I just feel like I need to focus on me and my kids right now. Now that I'm sleeping, that is becoming more and more clear to me. The fact that Mr. Married texted me the other day kind of threw me for a loop. I had pretty much written him off...although in the back of my mind I knew he would contact me again someday. Our last communication was when I was at my sleepless worst, and he told me he felt we both needed some time to heal.

You know, when I went to the counseling session for myself the other day, after having spent an hour with my daughter's psychologist, I was kind of a mess. I held it together as I spilled my guts to the counselor...the only time I cried was when I talked about that relationship. I told her I was mad at myself for letting myself get involved with someone who wasn't really available. I didn't cry when I told her about my dad dying, or my ex bringing another woman into his life and pushing our daughter away...I only cried about him. Afterward, I felt really stupid about that. Why do I care so much about this guy? I knew from the beginning that he wasn't emotionally available. Guess I'm mad that I let myself get hurt. And that I know he'll keep contacting me, which means I know he still cares. That hurts...I guess I wish he would just go away, so I can have closure. But the attention, knowing he cares, is nice. I guess I don't know what I want.

I'm glad you've made the decision to distance yourself from your ex. You know he is using this new GF, just like my ex is using his new GF. My son told me the other day that his dad was really making fun of the new GF's son (who is his student, and is bi-racial and gender confused). I just can't understand why a woman would tolerate that. I know my ex can be brutal, but what is it that she sees in him that makes it okay for him to do that?

Anyway, we need to take care of ourselves first, and be happy with who we are. I'm trying...

April 29, 2007
6:32 am
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nvr2late
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ready..yes you needed validation! šŸ™‚

good, so I hope you got it and spent a nice quiet weekend...
since it is NOT you that is the new guy's problem (or now the OLD guy?)
it is him and his needs to be 'alone'....his validation.

sometimes with feelings and things going on it is just to overwhelming to put your 'best foot forward' and date.
he knows he was not giving you the best of him.
and that is not fair to you...or to him!

so, maybe in some time? who knows what will happen.

yes, he is using the new g/f..as your ex is...but for WHAT???

that is what I don't understand, my ex is telling me on Wed that he loves me and misses his family...but then is with her??? you know, if he really REALLY missed us...wouldn't he do ANYTHING to get us back??? would he not get help? would he not make it his life's mission to show me how much he is sorry and loves me??

I don't think he would do that, get help etc...too much work...but the mixed messages screw up my head!!!
so I don't understand...if he does not love her and is using her...

is he just going to settle for her, when the woman he 'loves' is to much work???

I DON'T GET IT!!!!

nvr

April 29, 2007
10:07 am
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nvr...well, the new guy sent an email saying he'd like to see me this weekend but understands if I've got things going on and we'll catch up soon.

No contact from Mr. Married since the text the other day...and I know he knew he wasn't giving me the best of him, and I couldn't give him the best of me. We both had so much going on in our lives, it wasn't a good time for either of us to date seriously.

My ex, now that's another story. He's been trying to get together for dinner with my daughter all week. One or the other of them has cancelled it every time. Yesterday, they miscommunicated about the time, and he called my cell several times irate that she was busy and didn't tell him. He then told me that my son told him I wasn't sleeping, and wasn't doing well, and told me to call if there was anything he could do for me. Then asked if the four of us could sit down together and talk. A week ago, he told me he couldn't ever stand to be in the same room with me, and now he wants to sit down and talk. I agreed, if the kids are there I think it'll be okay. We need to come up with a custody plan that works for all of us, and a schedule that they can stick to. I'm tired of the games and the drama.

So we shall see. Next weekend I'm supposed to go to a singles event with one of my girlfriends...we'll see how that goes. And I guess I give this new guy another try. I rarely like anyone on the first date...I'm pretty picky.

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