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Why am I obsessing about this new relationship?
April 12, 2007
10:06 pm
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readyforachange
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thanks, lettingo...good advice. I am really trying to stick with "old" friends that I've known for years. I have three good girlfriends I confide in on a regular basis, and the only social events I'm going to do are family and my old teacher friends from years ago. I just can't handle much more than that right now.

April 13, 2007
7:22 am
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nvr2late
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ready!
you are doing great! no contact and avoiding toxic people!
good for you!
that is what you need, then things get a little clearer every day!
I am happy that you are doing what you need to do to get through this rough time.

just think of all the things you have been through.
give yourself a little time to recover!

we all need a little break!

nvr

April 13, 2007
9:46 am
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nvr..I know that. Some days it is hard. I don't sleep well at all...too many thoughts racing around in my head, most of them involving my dad, and my ex, and this guy who I knew wasn't available from the get go. He hasn't called all week, and that's a good thing. It gets easier each day when I don't hear from him. I have so many other things to focus on right now, like my grief and my daughter and my health. My mom is worried because I've lost 10 pounds since Christmas and don't sleep well at all. I have constant ringing in my ears, and I think I'm grinding my teeth at night. I need to take care of these things, and I know that. I'm trying to focus on me, and each day I realize that I am a whole person and I don't need a man to complete me. Especially one who causes stress in my life. Relationships shouldn't be stressful, right?

How did your talk with the ex-BF go? Does he finally get it?

April 13, 2007
10:36 am
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lettingo
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ready,
I am hear to tell you I have done all the exact things, grinding my teeth, a huge loss of weight (size 6 to a 4), my appearance went down the tubes, I had so much anxiety I could barely sleep and my depression made it so hard to get out of bed. I also went to the doctor alot because I keep getting sick. I got the flu, then bronchitis and my ashma kicked in due to stress then I got hit with a 5 day stomach virus (more weight loss. This was in four week period. My nurse who had been through a divorce said it was normal and my body would stabilize. Today, I feel much healthier. Slowly gaining my weight back and just having a lot more energy. I sleep so much better! Not sure of your background but have you considered an Alanon group? They are just so wonderful and supportive. I go reguarily because my ex was an alcoholic and an addict.

April 13, 2007
10:42 am
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lettingo...well, I'm still 5'8" and weigh 140, so I'm not too thin by any means. The sleep deprivation is getting to me though, and I think it has something to do with grinding. My dentist isn't sure.

I did Alanon back when I was married...never found a group I really clicked with. I'm thinking of trying a CoDa group that's really close to my house. Might find a different personality with that one. Just feel like I need to get myself back, you know? I was doing SO WELL and it's been two years since my divorce was final. I thought I had adjusted, and was finally happy again. Now I feel like all of that is gone, and I'm starting from scratch again. It sucks.

April 13, 2007
11:15 am
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lettingo
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Ready,
I know it might feel like it, but you aren't at square one. Recovery doesn't go in a straight upward line but is more cyclical. With the disease of codependancy, it too process if untreated just like any other addiction. CoDA is excellent. I went for two years at once time and loved it. I still ended up marrying a man who later began drinking and using so I know what you mean when you wonder if you are ever moving forward. I think a big problem was once I got into the relationship I stopped going to the program because I wasn't in any pain or discomfort. I think that is a big mistake. I now go to Alanon because they have more avialable but I would love to go back to CoDA. And I do know about trying to get yourself back. YOU WILL. It will just take a little time. Go easy on yourself.

April 13, 2007
9:45 pm
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I am trying. Today was really a struggle because I am just so very tired. I cannot remember the last time I had a decent night's sleep. I read until I can't keep my eyes open, then I fall asleep, but only for 3 or 4 hours and I'm awake. I just can't turn my thoughts off. I'm so sleep deprived I can't think straight. Added to PMS this week, I've been an emotional mess. It's 8:30 and I'm already in bed on a Friday night. My son has to be up early tomorrow...so I'm gonna try to sleep so I can wake him up.

Thanks for being there for me. It means so much to me right now. (((lettingo))) (((nvr)))

April 14, 2007
9:24 am
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Well, I actually slept last night. Pretty well, for a change. No contact from my ex or Mr. Married all week, so I was able to focus on myself, my kids, my job and my mother. The more time passes, the more I realize that this guy just wasn't right for me, and I knew that from the beginning. I didn't really care for him on our first date. He talked too much, mostly about himself. I gave him another chance, and our second date went much better. After 6 weeks or so, he was saying all the right things and I had those "butterflies in the stomach" feeling when he would kiss me or even when I would think about kissing him. He was emailing, calling and sending me sweet texts all the time, and I loved the attention. Because of all of that, I overlooked the fact that he was still married and talked about his STBX way too much. And, when I brought this up to him, he apologized...but then went right back to doing it. Several times. I know it wouldn't have worked, and that he wasn't really emotionally available.

So, why am I attracted to men whose lives are such a mess and need fixing? Need mothering, and a shoulder to cry on. I know I've said over and over in this thread that I just wanted to have fun with this guy...but it never happened that way. We did have fun, but there was always some crisis with him, that we spent so much time talking about the crap in our lives. It sucked.

The hard part is going to be moving on. I guess I've learned here, but this is the first time I've really dated since my divorce. It didn't last long, but it was beyond casual dating. And it didn't work out....so am I going to have the strength to do this again? Maybe not for a while.

Live and learn.

April 14, 2007
9:35 am
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danielle7373
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We are attracted to men whose lives are such a mess and need fixing because our own lives are a mess and need fixing.

People are attracted to like people. And for us, it's easier to focus on and try to fix someone else's problems than to think about our own problems.

To date someone healthy, we have to learn to be healthy and mature. It's a ton of work to get away from codepency. We have to learn to love ourselves first and surround ourselves with healthy people who love us, too.

It's hard to turn away people who have messy lives because we instinctively want to just help them. But then it ends up bringing us down, too, because we don't have our own lives completely together. So somewhere there is a happy balance where you are okay with your own self and able to help people through their minor problems.

People who just constantly have drama wear people out.

We won't instantly be perfect, but like you said, if we live and learn, at least it's progress. As long as we don't keep making the same mistake over and over again, then we are gradually learning to get past codependency.

April 14, 2007
9:48 am
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danielle...I agree, but I somehow don't see my life as being a mess. I guess it is, but I always think I'm doing okay. I guess I have to step back and look at it, which is what I'm trying to do right now.

I have my daughter in therapy to deal with being cut off from her dad, and I'm going back myself. Going to have some medical needs taken care of soon. Allowing myself to grieve over the loss of my dad a few weeks ago, and planning to go to CoDa meetings soon. Practicing no contact with my ex, and with this married guy who was unavailable. Trying to eat, sleep, exercise and take care of myself better. Surrounding myself by people who are good for me and good to me. People who truly listen to me. Planning to do safe, fun things with friends. Counting my blessings.

Hopefully, these things will help.

April 15, 2007
8:12 am
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ready!
ok...first thing..the ex-bf is not ready for the talk, and that is ok.
I am moving forward and if it is with or without him, I am fine!
my ex-h keep confusing me...calling me all the time, saying how good I look...and then does not call his son on his birthday..or come to his first soccer game!!!
so, I go back and forth with that man!

so frustrating....

ok, so you ARE doing well!! and yes, having some attention is ATTRACTIVE...and makes us do things that we would normally not do.
hook up with the wrong people and try to fix things.

we are fixers..I have come to realize that I cannot FIX anyone, nor do I want to!
I sound like a MOTHER when I do!
and how attractive is that???

my ex-h is dating a young girl that probably worships the ground that he walks on, she has gained 30 pounds since fall..trying to keep up with his drinking.
and he has taken laxitives since our divorce.
probably does not eat..he is rail thin.

so, he is ruining someone else's life..and I will not let him ruin my new one!!!!

we are all doing well...we are moving forward and NOT going back to square one.
you know it, you see it...

it is a hard hard thing...but we will not go back to what our lives were like...

we ARE moving forward.
I hope for some peace for you in this really difficult time in your life!!!!

it is NOT a bad thing to want to have someone to get you through this time...just don't rely on unreliable people!!!!

nvr

April 15, 2007
11:03 am
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I spent hours on the phone this weekend with my sister and some good friends...just talking about all I am dealing with right now. It helps to talk about it.

No contact from Mr. Married at all since Easter. Each day he does not contact me it gets easier to detach from him. I think about all the things he did that were unacceptable. Ignoring me for a week after I told him how I felt when he dwelled on his STBX. Breaking our date for my birthday in a text message. Never acknowledging my dad's death. Breaking another date at 3 p.m. that same day, but not even really breaking it or apologizing. Just saying he was going to stay home with his daughter. I deserve so much better than that. I shouldn't settle for someone who cannot treat me well...I lived that for over 20 years, and would rather be alone than with someone who cannot make me feel important and special. So, it is a good thing that he isn't contacting me. I'm so vulnerable and alone right now that I think I would run back to him in a heartbeat just to have someone to hold me.

My ex is totally out of control...I'm going to post about that in the "School Thinks my Daughter is Depressed" thread...

April 17, 2007
8:02 pm
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still no contact from him, and I haven't contacted him! Stronger every day, and realizing that he was not right for me. In so, so many ways. I deserve better, and I have faith that at some point it will happen...or I will be fine alone. I am strong, independent, and I'll be okay.

April 18, 2007
5:41 am
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nvr2late
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you are doing great! I am so proud of you! 🙂

we are progressing...although sometimes we seem to be in the same place...

the new g/f...which sucks..but I was obsessed with that for awhile..what does she have that I don't...

then I realized (when I met her) she is young, naive, and quite unattractive.

he will not stay with her...then I feel sorry for her.

but there is nothing we can do about that!!!

nvr

April 18, 2007
2:19 pm
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yeah, well...confession. Last night, after not sleeping for almost 4 weeks, I had taken the new meds the doctor gave me, and had a glass of wine...and I sent Mr. Married a text message. Just to say, Hope you are doing well. He texted me back right away to tell me his divorce trial got moved to another court and that it wouldn't be final until Fall at best. He was hoping it would be over by May. So it is a major setback. I just responded Sorry to hear that. That was it.

April 18, 2007
2:43 pm
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that is not a set back!
it is nice to hear what is going on...not a bad thing!

do not beat yourself up over it...hopefully you feel a little more relaxed..that would be a LONG time to be with someone going through a divorce!!!

nvr

April 19, 2007
8:54 am
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Yeah...it is a long time. May didn't seem like such a long time to me, but Fall is a different story. And he's upset about only getting his son every other weekend and Wednesdays, because he wants 50/50 custody. It is good to know what is going on with him. Somehow it makes it a little easier to not see him and talk to him, and to take care of myself for now. There's just so much going on with me, and my ex, and my daughter. I know I'm not emotionally ready for a relationship, and I know he won't be ready for quite some time. He can't move past his STBX until she is his ex, and I can't accept that.

April 19, 2007
9:28 am
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nvr2late
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you are right...she is not his ex
and until then, it will be rough.
and sometimes even AFTER...we still are not ex's!!!

look at what I did on MONDAY
I really really got scared right away and thought...'what are WE going to do????'

then realized it was not WE anymore!
and he did make some really bad choices...and I finally am getting what I asked for, him to actually FEEL some of the consequences...

as long as my kids are safe...all is good!!!

nvr

April 19, 2007
4:24 pm
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lettingo
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Ready,
Don't be too hard on yourself. Remember Never "Drink and Dial" LOL! We've ALL done it and we always seem to regret it but what's done is done. Just start again if that is what you want to do. I did the same things with a guy who did NOT deserve any of my attention. After a month, and a couple of drinks I called him...arrghh. I wanted to scream but you know it was fine, I started again and next thing I knew it was two years. We had lunch and I wondered WHY I had pined over him. You are just in a very vulnerable spot. Remember "Hungry People Make Poor Shoppers". This is a good time for you to fill up on a healthy diet of taking care of you and nourishing yourself. You've been through a lot and continue to go through a lot.

April 19, 2007
4:32 pm
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Hi ready...thinking about you. Focus on taking care of you, let yourself do some healing after all that has happened in your life these past few weeks.

hugs to you...2b

April 19, 2007
8:37 pm
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nvr...yeah, I know what you mean about not really ever being totally an "ex". This guy has one ex-wife, and one STBX. Add my crazy, evil ex to the mix, and there's just a whole lot of insanity.

lettingo...yes, I know I am vulnerable, and my judgment is really bad right now. Yet I feel like I really want to have someone there for me right now, and I'm drawn to this guy even though I know he's not good for me. Most of the time I'm strong, so I have to hope that I'll stay strong enough to resist contacting him.

2b...I appreciate your encouragement. I swear, if I could sleep, I know things would get better.

April 20, 2007
6:06 am
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nvr2late
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ready...

you do need your sleep...that is what I found out...my defenses are WAY down when I do not have that to fall back on!

melatonin works well for me?

nvr

April 20, 2007
9:50 am
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lettingo
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readyforachange
I know it's hard but just try to take it one day at a time. I think I've mentioned this book before but I swear the book "don't call that man" although sounds silly is excellent in helping not to call, why we are drawn to "them" in the first place. Check out some comments on Amazon. I always found reading on the subject helped alot. Hope you can keep yourself very busy this weekend. Hang in there. I hate to say it but "this too shall pass". You will not always be in this tug of war.

April 20, 2007
9:41 pm
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Well, I slept pretty well again last night, so today was much better. Got a lot accomplished at work, and went to the gym tonight. Haven't contacted him since my "slip" on Tuesday, and he hasn't contacted me. I checked into the "Red Flags of Dating" thread, which has an interesting list of things you should look for in the first couple of months of dating. I counted 8 that I should have seen about this guy.

I still need to look into getting that book!

April 22, 2007
3:57 pm
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Okay, ladies...I have slept pretty well most nights this week, and this new medicine they have me on is making me much less emotional. It's an antidepressant, but it's used for a sleep aid as well. Anyway, I feel much, much stronger.

I've made a decision that I am OVER Mr. Married, and that he is absolutely not the right person for me. He never was, and I deserve to be treated so much better!

So...I went back onto match.com, just for a few days. Then I chickened out and took my profile down again. But, not before someone emailed me, and I returned his email. The next day, he emailed me and asked why my profile was hidden. I explained to him that I've had some major things happen lately, and I'm just trying to get myself back on track, and that I realized I wasn't really ready for a relationship. He emailed back, and told me he is just looking for friendship at first. He is divorced, and has 3 kids. He wants to meet me this week. I'm gonna have all of my red-flag radar out this time around. I was actually touched though because he said he would keep me and my family in his prayers after I told him about my dad...seemed sweet considering he doesn't even know me.

So...we'll see what happens. I'm cautious, and going in with NO EXPECTATIONS whatsoever.

I think I'm nuts.

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