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Why am I obsessing about this new relationship?
April 7, 2007
8:46 am
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nvr...I know exactly what is right for me right now, but I'm just not sure that I can do it. My ex is being a complete ass, he wants to reconcile with my daughter after 6 months of ignoring her. My mom is starting to fall apart now..I think it has finally hit her that my dad is gone. And I'm just trying to be so strong for everyone, but inside I'm just falling apart. And I don't know that I have the energy to break up with this guy. But I know I should.

If he doesn't call today, it's a deal breaker. If he calls and blows me off for tonight, it's a deal breaker.

But if he calls with some excuse about why he didn't call Friday, and still wants to go out...I know I will want to go. I won't be strong enough to tell him I have other plans, because I don't and I just don't want to be alone. Isn't that pathetic?

April 7, 2007
11:16 am
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that is SO NOT pathetic!
I know we can justify anything in our minds if we want to!

only YOU can decide what you want to do..go out with him, believe me I understand that!

I would do the same thing!

and who says you SHOULD break up with him???

only YOU can make that choice..people can give you their opinions, they are not in your shoes right now!

I deal with that all the time with this guy...for 2 years..back and forth and does not know what he wants...I want him to WANT me.
I know that is a dream..but I cannot help but think it!

so...you go forward anyway you can...maybe you have another lesson to learn..or MAYBE he will come around.

you will not know until you take the chances!!!

I am right behind you whatever you do!

nvr

April 7, 2007
11:48 am
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So, he just sent me a text message and said he would call me a little later. Said his nephew had to be taken to the ER last night, and he had to drive his sister there. She's just gone thru a divorce and has 4 kids. Anyway, I really knew he'd have a reason for not calling me.

I just am not emotionally ready to lose another person right now. I am not in love with this guy, I just really like to have him around to do stuff with and to touch base with a few times a week. I don't see it becoming anything really serious, but I just can't let go just yet. Is that so wrong? We'll see what he has to say when he calls, because that may change my mind.

April 7, 2007
10:41 pm
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it is not wrong!
has he called...did you do something with him?

I kind of hope you did...you need some fun!

let us know!

nvr

April 7, 2007
11:52 pm
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He did call, and we had a long, long talk. His nephew was taken to the ER last night, but he is home and okay. His daughter ended up spending the weekend with him. Apparently her mom has been acting a little strange lately, showed up with a black eye the other day, and forgot it was her weekend this weekend. Plus, his daughter hasn't been wanting to go to her mom's. New stepdad may be a problem...so he felt he should stay with her. We talked a long time about all the chaos we've both had in our lives lately. Since I talked to him two weeks ago about slowing things down, he has done MUCH better about not talking about the STBX, and has actually been more attentive and listening to me. We've had some really good conversations. I really wasn't all that up to going out anywhere. I had lots to do to get ready for Easter, and am just not sleeping well. He told me we might have to get together during the work week, since our weekends have just been so busy. I don't know...I'm just gonna lay low and not have any real expectations right now. I don't want to get serious with this guy, I'm just really looking for a casual relationship. We'll see how it goes, but I plan to pursue the other options out there right now.

Not in any position to make any major decisions right now...I still feel numb and in a daze.

But I do need some fun.

April 8, 2007
9:38 pm
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Well, I didn't sleep again last night...and early in the morning I sent him an email telling him I that my dad's death has given me a new perspective on things...that I had realized how much both of us have gone through in the four months we have known eachother, and that I just wanted to have the opportunity to talk about where we are going next.

So he emailed me back, and told me he didn't know how to respond, and how maybe all of my turmoil coincided with my meeting him, and that he would call me.

I just really feel like I need to know where things are going. I just feel like since I asked him to slow down, he just hasn't been the same. We never had the chance to define what slowing down would look like, and I think I need that. So, I asked for it. I know I'm just not thinking clearly right now...and that scares me.

April 9, 2007
5:45 am
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ready..

yes, maybe this is not the time to define your relationship.
I don't know, but it seems like it gets odd when we start expecting things from a man...or at least trying to figure out where we stand.

that is tough...I did the same thing with the ex-whatever he was this weekend...and he said we would talk this weekend...and he never showed up.

he texted me at 12:30 am Saturday night to tell me that he was at the bar...I told him I was busy.

I am tired of the games, and the lack of respect...and I am tired that I expect him to call or contact me..and he does not.

once the expectations start...it is rough.

you have had a lot happen to you ....you are needy right now, you should be!!!
but maybe it is too much for him to be needed right now...maybe he does not have too much to give.

I don't want to see you hurt...and I know you are hurting right now!
don't think you need him too much..this is a difficult time for you...

but if you want to take things slow..then take them slow, if you don't...tell HIM that and let it go from there.

you need to be honest with him and you on what you expect..and be prepared to walk away!

I know that is tough, but it will hurt more later!!

nvr

April 9, 2007
9:39 am
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nvr...I know you are right. I DO need someone right now, more than ever. And I don't think he can be that person, or doesn't want to. I don't know. I just know that in the past several weeks, since I asked to slow things down, he has been distant, and doesn't do the things he says he's going to do - like call - and breaks dates, things he would have never done before.

On top of it, my ex is sending email after email pouring his heart out about what went wrong in our marriage and how I was the only one he would ever love. God, like I need to hear that crap right now. Especially since he brought his new GF to Easter at his mom's, and my kids came home and gave me the full report. Like I needed to hear that.

I just feel sick...and tired...and alone...and hurt.

April 9, 2007
10:39 am
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Ready, sorry things seem so unsettled. There is nothing worse then someone saying they are going to call and they don't or especially breaking dates. I HATE when they do that. It drove me crazy in this last relationship I had. Maybe you need to really nail down what you want because on 4/7 you steted "I don't know...I'm just gonna lay low and not have any real expectations right now. I don't want to get serious with this guy, I'm just really looking for a casual relationship" but on 4/8 you seem really tied up in what he isn't and isn't doing. And you want to know where the relationship is going. I can understand that but you just seem confused about it all. I've been there and I know how feelings can jump around. I've never been able to have a "casual" relationship. I hope things get better and you are healing. Hugs

April 9, 2007
1:19 pm
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lettingo....yeah, I'm a mess, and I know it. I don't eat, I don't sleep, I can't focus on anything for any length of time. I'm on both Xanax and Ambien, I cry a lot, and when I'm not crying I just want to go to sleep. I count the hours until I can go to sleep again, because when I'm asleep, I don't have to think about anything.

Problem is, I want this to be a casual relationship and just have fun with this guy, but when he ignores me and breaks dates, it hurts. Deeply. I have issues with rejection, and self-worth, and I just can't handle him blowing me off right now. And it doesn't seem right that he would do it at a time when he knows I am so vulnerable. I knew weeks before my dad died that he and I were both not really emotionally avaiable for one another, and I told him that we should slow down. He ignored me for 2 weeks, and finally when I told him to please not contact me again, he told me he wanted to see me and talk. He spent the whole time telling me how bad his ex was acting, and making excuses for not contacting me, and I fell for it. Two days later, my dad died. The first time we can get together after my dad died, he breaks the date. He didn't even really break it. Told me he'd call Friday, and never did. Didn't call until 3 on Saturday, and just mentioned his daughter was with him and having a friend over that night...never said, so, sorry, but we'll have to make it for another night.

So, he has shown me his true colors, and I don't deserve to be treated like this. And I feel like a fool for letting him hurt me like this. And an idiot for being so stupid, when everyone was telling me to walk away a long time ago. And now, in addition to grieving my dad's death, I have to deal with being rejected, and my ex being a total ass, and my daughter being depressed, and my mom falling apart. And who is supposed to hold me together?

April 9, 2007
4:10 pm
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readyforachange
It sounds like depression! I've lost a lot of weight since my divorce and it was for the same reason. I could barely get in the shower. I honestly don't know how I got to work and back some days and like you I counted the hours when I could escape through sleep. Then that didn't even work because the morning were so aweful with depression that I dreaded going to sleep knowing what I would face. I am so sorry you are dealing with all this at once. I know I've said this before but I really think the book "Don't Call that Man" (I know it sounds silly but it's not!!) is so helpful. It has a whole chapter on the Ambivalent man. For that chapter alone it is worth the book. It was a huge help to me. Check it out on amazon. If someone says they are going to call a certain time THEN THEY SHOUD!! I hate when that happens. And then to act like he didn't go anything or like it's no big deal. I told you I dated a guy during my separation who was making me so crazy I had to call an emergency therapy session. I got so worked up I was literally dry heaving. WHY? Because he was pushing all my button. He was not good for me and I broke things off that night. He's called every week since then but I see him very different. It's like the spell was broken. It only happened because I put distance and no contact between us. I did it in a nice way and just said I didn't like all the feeling I was experiencing and needed to focus on myself and get through the divorce. I know I CAN'T DEAL with "unrealiable" men. I find it rude and inconsiderate. And right now, you don't need it. He might dredge up all your past losses all at once. As far as having a casual relationship, I find that impossible when I have strong feeilng for someone. I have casual friendship with me I do not have "that attraction" to. Hugs!

April 9, 2007
7:19 pm
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(((lettingo))) Thanks...you know, I had detached myself from this guy several weeks ago. Took his name out of my phone, deleted his email, refused to contact him in any way. But he asked to see me, and I did. Stupid. Now I'm a mess because of other things, and I have him to deal with in the mix.

I slept another 4 hours this afternoon. I'm really ready to go back to bed. I don't want to do anything. I guess I need to call my doctor...when they prescribed the Xanax and Ambien after my dad died, they told me I had to make an appt. I never did. I'm about out of it, and I think I'm gonna need something to get me through the next few weeks. And, maybe I'll call and make a counseling appt. Haven't gone since the divorce was final 2 years ago, but the woman who saw us as a family when the judge ordered it told me that I should be there for myself. She actually told me she was afraid of my ex, and didn't want to be in the same room with him. Why do I attract such jerks.

I looked in my bookstore for that book a few weeks ago, but didn't see it. I'll try Amazon.

April 10, 2007
6:05 am
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ready..letting go is right..it does sound like depression!
and maybe someone to talk to is the answer.
you have and still are going through a lot...maybe what he is doing is bringing up old feelings from the past?
and he is starting to make you feel like your ex did..and you are trying to resolve those feelings with him?

I don't know, makes sense to me! 🙂

but, you need some help to get through this tough time...
I am glad you saw the doctor and he gave you the pills he did...I hope they start working and you are not so anxious...be patient with yourself!!!!

you are ONLY human and you have been through a really really tough time with your dad and also with this man, he seems to know what to do to trigger these feelings within you...I don't know if he is doing it on purpose...but either way, it is triggering the old rejection feelings that you had/have.

take a step back...be patient with yourself...and take the time that you need to grieve your loss.

maybe on all fronts...you have been so strong for so long, it is bound to come out.
give yourself a break...
but, I suspect that this is not about him, although the feelings are coming to the surface because of him...

now is the time for YOU to take care of yourself, don't rush the process...and do not make rash decisions at a time that you really cannot think clearly.

believe me, I just did something last night that was SO not me...
and I am kicking myself!!!
I do a lot of stupid things at the spur of the moment...and then regret them later..I wish I could control my impulses sometimes!!!
hopefully you can!

please just take a step back and think things through for yourself.
before doing things based on emotions.

you can get through this!!!

nvr

April 10, 2007
9:45 am
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Ready,
You are NOT stupid, like me you just believe the best in people and you just weren't ready. I stayed with my ex WAY TOO long but it took what it took. We have to ready in our own way and I know you will get there. I lost my father the same year all this happened and had a miscarriage after many years of trying so I do understand how hard it is to deal with all those losses. I highly recommend antidepressants if the depression doesn't leave. They get the system back to normal and help deal with the depression until it passes and it will pass. You just have some healing to do. As far as attracting jerks, I am in the same exact boat!!! I am in therapy right to try to uncover why so I don't have to go through the horrible drama and pain these pain bring up in me. Another thing that really worked for me was journaling. I would fill up a notebook in a month. I must have been writing 5 - 6 pages a day. I just couldnt' stop but I think it really helped. I PROMISE you will not always feel this way. I thought I would be dealing with that heartache forever and today, I can actually say I feel happy most of the time and feel free. If this guy in your life is being an A$$ then that is all it means. He's a jerk and doesn't know how to treat someone with respect and consideration BUT it has nothing to do with who you are which is special, and wonderful! Don't forget that! Don't let some unheatlhy person dictate who you are.

April 10, 2007
10:09 pm
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nvr...today is better. I had to get up, get my kids to school, go to work. When I have things to do, I function better. It's the long weekends with so little to do that hurt. Too much time to think.

I almost feel like I am having major mood swings. Some days I feel okay, and can get through the day....other days I don't even want to get out of bed.

Thought a lot today, and realized I know in my heart that this guy is not good for me. He does bring up feelings my ex made me feel. He has ignored me, rejected me, and not made me a priority. He has ignored my boundaries when I told him how certain things made me feel, and has not considered that he hurt my feelings when he blew me off on my birthday, didn't call when he said he would, and broke a date with me. And to me, that is not acceptable. I deserve so much better than that, don't I? I guess I was so desperate to be with someone, that I compromised my feelings just to have a relationship. Which is wrong. I need to learn from this. I just keep thanking God I didn't sleep with him or fall in love with him!!!!!

What did you do, girl? I'm here to listen if you want to tell me...everyone does things that are impulsive sometimes.

lettingo...thank you, that was very sweet. I feel much better today, actually. Feel like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions. Is that normal? I decided I would call my doctor to talk about continuing the meds just to get me through the next few months, and would restart counseling too. I have to learn why I allow people to walk all over my boundaries. I am finally making progress at standing up to my ex and my family (especially one particular sister and brother in law who make me crazy).

And, I've been to the gym every day this week. Trying to eat a little more, but I'm just not hungry. Getting myself back on track at work, and trying to stay busy so I just don't think about the jerks in my life.

(((nvr))) (((lettingo))) Thank you both for being there.

April 11, 2007
6:41 am
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ready..you are doing well!
don't blame yourself for wanting someone around, believe me...we all do! and when they don't live up to our expectations (even SMALL ones) it blindsides us.
because we would not even THINK about doing that to someone!!!

well..what I did...
I saw my ex husband pull into a gas station with his new g/f and someone else in the car...I had my son with me, I decided...'I am going to meet her'...so, I go there...pretend I don't see them until I walk out...he was pulling out (they stayed in the car)...and I said to my son...'THERE IS DADDY'! he has to stop.

so, I go over there and talk to them, he does not introduce me to anyone, but he is whispering to me "thank you.." I whisper to him..'for what?' and he says 'being nice'...
so, we just stand there, I tell my son we have to go...
and I leaned over to my ex and whisper in his ear...'she is ugly'.

I don't know why I was so mean.
I was hurt and jealous, I guess.
and I felt bad.

I texted him the next morning and said...'sorry I said that, it was not me'.

no response...but we had co-parent counseling later that day...thought I would hear about it...well, he did not show up.

so then I felt better...because he is still and idiot.

but she really is not good looking and I was really surprised.
which made me feel worse...what was wrong with ME??????

then I realized he is just using her, and I have NOTHING to worry about...I am MUCH better looking! 🙂

anyway, my stupidity..acting like a bitter ex wife.

I will stop that someday! 🙂

nvr

April 11, 2007
9:36 am
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(((nvr))) don't beat yourself up...you had a human reaction. We all do that. You did actually do something nice by making an effort to go over and meet them and say Hi. He was a jerk for not introducing you to her. And you just said what you were thinking, sometimes that happens How many times has he said mean things to you? If he's my ex's twin, it is countless and it will never stop.

Today is hard again...I feel tired and depressed and alone. Don't want to work, but I have to. Ugh.

April 11, 2007
10:12 am
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thank you....there are MANY times that he has said mean things...and I have said..'you should go to church'

and he is a jerk for not introducing her.
but, next time I will say..'I am sorry I did not introduce myself the other time, my name is ......'

and let it go like that.

sounds like we are twins...and THEY are twins...hmmmmmm

we should look into that.

nvr

April 11, 2007
12:44 pm
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ready,
Having a rollercoaster ride of emotions is totally normal! I would feel on top of the world one second and literally two seconds later I would be gripped with dread! It is crazy but I PROMISE it gets better. The good begins to out shine the bad. I am glad you have made a decision to go back to therapy. I bet this guy has little to do with what you are "really" going through and a lot to do with old hurts. It will get better. Just hang in there. I know easier said then done but the bad feelings really do pass!

April 11, 2007
6:02 pm
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lettingo...you are right. I really was not all that attached to this guy. It was the thought of someone manipulating me and pushing my buttons that was so hard, especially with all the crap I was going through. That hurt.

so, today I made an appointment with my doctor to talk about why I can't sleep and why I have constant ringing in my ears...and I made an appointment with a counselor, too. I realize I have to take care of myself first.

And, I started and ended the day with the one person at work who acts like she hates my guts. She sat next to me at a meeting this morning and wouldn't even acknowledge me or look at me, even though I tried to make eye contact with her. And this afternoon, she passed me in the hall and wouldn't look at me. She is a good friend of my ex's sister, and I'm sure she has heard an earful of stories about how horrible I am. She's the type that in front of other people, she'll be civilized to me, but when no one is around she won't even give me the time of day. And she wasn't like this before I filed for divorce. I've worked with her for 4 years, and she hasn't even acknowledged that my dad died. Most people have at least said something to me as they see me at work. Makes me not want to even go in to work. Sometimes I just can't deal with people!

You promise it gets better?

April 12, 2007
6:55 am
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ready!
it WILL get better and it is a great thing to go to the doctor to find out why you are not sleeping and a ringing in your ears!
stress has a way of creating havoc (sp?) in our bodies.

I did not realize how much physically was due to stress.

take care of yourself first..your kids need you!

I get to spend my day knowing that the new g/f is with my kids!!!
UGH

well, I will get through it like I get through everything else...I will just say...she is the babysitter...she is the babysitter.

nvr

April 12, 2007
9:21 am
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(((nvr))) you will get through it...keep repeating that over and over. Glad my kids are old enough to ditch their dad when the GF is around, which I'm sure will happen. My son told his dad she was a "hoosier". In STL, that's not a compliment like in Indiana...

no word from Mr. Married since Easter. I'm proud of myself that I haven't contacted him, and it gets a little easier every day. I think about all the negative things, and it reminds me why he is not good for me. I plan to ignore his calls and emails if he does contact me...to let him know how that feels!

April 12, 2007
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ready,
I NEVER thought I would ever feel better. I though I always just be coping. This is not the case at all so YES I PROMISE it gets better. If I can do it anybody can. It is great that you are recognizing things and seeing patters. Seeing a counselor will also be great. As far as the not so nice person at work, that is not something you need right now. I know how vulnerable and unsafe I felt. That is the last thing you need. Try to remember, it has nothing to do with you. This is HER PROBLEM. I personally would totally ingore her.

April 12, 2007
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lettingo...thanks. I slept a little last night, which is progress. Had a nice heart to heart with both of my kids, who have been pushing my buttons like all teenagers will and testing the limits because they know I'm not on my game right now. No contact from my ex or Mr. Married since Sunday (thank God), and I'm just focusing on me. Staying away from my office today (I travel all over, so I don't have to go in if I don't want to), just to avoid that woman. Can't deal right now. My office mate called this morning to tell me she was thinking of me though, cause she knows I had a rough day yesterday. I'm just taking one day at a time. I'm good when they all just leave me alone. Got invited to do something with friends Saturday...which should be a nice diversion. Gotta stay busy.

April 12, 2007
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lettingo
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You are taking care of youself which is a good thing. During this time it would be a good idea to be only with people you feel safe with it. I have lots of different people/friends in my life but when I was REALLY hurting I had contact with one friend only. It just worked out that way because I felt safe with this person. I didn't care what anyone thought and the truth is, they understood I was going through something. My therapist had even said to only be where you feel safe until that vulnerable stage passes.

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