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Why am I obsessing about this new relationship?
January 7, 2007
2:37 pm
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readyforachange
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I met a wonderful guy, and I've been seeing him for about 6 weeks. He is decent and a true gentleman, and I really have enjoyed every minute we've spent together. We email eachother pretty much every day, and see eachother once or twice a week. We both have kids and jobs, so we're busy most of the time, but we manage to touch base every day.

Here's the problem. Every time I send an email, or talk to him, or see him...I spend the next few hours obsessing that I've said something wrong, or done something wrong, and that he won't call me back. If I send an email, I'll check constantly to see if he's responded. If he doesn't, I worry until he does. After every date, I worry that I've done something that he won't like, and I won't hear from him again. WHY AM I SO INSECURE? I really thought that the damage of the verbal abuse from my ex was gone and that I was back to being confident and secure. NOT! I just don't want to obsess about this, I want to enjoy it! Why can't I do that?

January 7, 2007
3:17 pm
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Rasputin
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Hey (((Ready)),)

Congrats, so thrilled and happy for the new relationship.

Could be that since you haven't been in a relationship for a long time, that, you feel sort of....its too good to be true or happen for you.

I know that happens with me when I pray about a need and all of a sudden I get it BUT after a looong period that I find it sort of unbelievable.

Take a deep breath honey and find some hobbies that would take your mind off of him, your kids, reading, household chores so that you could relax and not overanlyze your action toward him.

I trust in you Ready, you're a good person, it's just that we're humans and struggle in certain issues.

All the best in your new relationship with the wonderful guy. and I am keeping your in my prayers, you deserve nothing but the best! (((Ready)))

January 7, 2007
3:32 pm
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truthBtold
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RFC,

I think that what you are feeling is pretty normal, really.

It's new.....and who's not to say that he is not going through the same thing?

I think that this happens in ANY relationship! Even if you make a new girl-friend, you know?

It's natural, I think.

ALL of US....have insecurities.

You will probably find out that after awhile, the obsession will naturally lessen as you begin to form a bond of trust between the two of you....and that just takes time.

But, whatever you do......please DO NOT let the insecurities get the best of you to the point where you call him up, drunk and beligerent....(as I have made the mistake of doing in years past....and made an absolute FOOL of myself.......no.....you don't want to DO THAT!!!!)

Just play it cool and know that your insecurities are nothing unusual.

So, relax sweetie. What you are going through is normal for any new relationship - be it romantic or not., in my opinion.

January 7, 2007
4:43 pm
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mj
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You can enjoy your new relationship if you can learn how to stop those sabatoging messages. Practice, practice, practice. Have you tried affirmations? My friend told me that I am always judging myself so harshly. I started noticing when I would make a judgement about myself. She said to start noticing all the good I do. Continuously throughout the day to start verbalizing the good messages. Example: I brush my teeth thoroughly. My smile is pretty. My hair is shiny. I really parked my car well. Notice all the things you do good. Give yourself lots of pats on the back for all the good things you are and are doing. Focus on that YOU ARE Enough. You will soon start believing yourself!

January 7, 2007
5:05 pm
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missfixit
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Ready

I do the same thing. I think it's a fear of abandonment.

I always tell myself I am so great. And, then when I meet someone I really like, I loose it. I think they don't like me anymore. And, I second guess everything I do.

Think about all the great things about yourself. Bring the good things to the conversation. Don't worry about it so much. Concentrate on you and don't revolve your life around him. Make him only a part of you at this moment.

I'm not good at this, obviously, if I do it too. Just some of the thoughts I have now that I am alone.

I read somewhere that we tend to think of all the negative things that the other party could be thinking about us or doing, when they are not calling us back. Like, not wanting to be with us anymore.
Instead, of realizing that they may just be busy, and really thinking of how much they can't wait to see or hear from us again.

Think possitive, and know what a great and wonderful person you are.

Good luck and enjoy...

January 7, 2007
6:58 pm
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readyforachange
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Ras...you're right. I do feel like it's too good to be true. I feel like I'm always waiting for the bottom to fall out of it. I rode the roller coaster of emotions for so long, and had such chaos in my marriage, that I just don't know how to do "normal". Thanks for the vote of confidence, though.

truth...play it cool, relax. That has to be my mantra now. I need to remain "aloof and mysterious" (as the Darn Daters would say). There's no way I'd let him know how much I obsess about this, and I don't drink much, so I hope I never do the calling him up drunk.

mj...thank you so much. I think affirmations are a great idea, and I know I've done so many things right in the past several weeks that we've seen eachother. I've paid him many compliments, stroked his ego, baked cookies for him, listened when his ex was behaving badly. I need to remember the things I'm doing right, and stop worrying about what I might do wrong.

misfixit...I am enjoying every minute of it! I feel like I'm in high school again...I can't sleep, have butterflies in my stomach everytime I think about him, can't concentrate. It's silly. But I feel like sometimes I need someone to pinch me because it isn't real. And, after so much verbal abuse by my ex, I don't feel I deserve to be happy and have someone treat me well. I know I need to work on this.

I emailed him this morning to thank him for last night, and he responded within a few hours. He never lets an email go unanswered for more than 12 hours or so, and he's very sweet and attentive. I guess I just need to learn to trust him, and trust myself.

January 8, 2007
5:15 am
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nvr2late
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ready!!!
yes, we have that problem of wondering why someone might like us! we are wonderful women, you are a wonderful woman!!!!
you deserve to be treated right! don't let your doubts get the best of you!
if worse came to worse..you could do it again on your own!!!

so, keep that in the back of your mind...try to focus on other things...try to change your patterns of wondering...he likes you because you are wonderful!!!!

we all have insecurities, and after the abuse you dealt with in your marriage, it is hard to let go of them..but this is not your marriage!

this is someone that obviously likes to be with you..appreciates you for who you are and sees good things in you!

sounds like he is on a roller coaster ride with his ex..don't be the rebound person for him!!!

you deserve to be treated good..remember that!
and you are doing all the right things...please believe in yourself!

I believe in you!

nvr

January 8, 2007
9:42 am
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readyforachange
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(((nvr))) Thanks! You're always there to lift me up when I feel terrible. Why is it that we have such a hard time believing the good in ourselves? Your evil ex and mine both did a number on us, didn't they?

I am very cautious about being the rebound person. He vented one afternoon when his ex was really dealing him a fit...he then apologized for dumping it all on me, and thanked me for listening. It hasn't happened again. We rarely talk about the "ex" factor.

I'm just taking it one day at a time, and trying to keep myself positive for a change.

Thanks for the vote of confidence! And I hope we both have luck in 2007 with new relationships....two guys in hot pursuit, huh???

January 8, 2007
1:21 pm
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2bstrong
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Hi ready...

When I read your post, it reminded me so much of my dating days with Dr. B. I worried all of the time about things I said to him; we teased each other a lot in a playful way--or I should say, I teased him. And I would ALWAYS worry that I had offended him, or said something that would make him not want to date me. I was so insecure. In some ways, I didn't feel I was good enough for him. I am embarrassed to say that. But I can tell you one thing, I will never feel that way with anyone ever again.

I feel that I was insecure because I liked him so much, I wanted the relationship to go somewhere. The good thing is that we are aware that we're doing this, and we can figure out what triggers it.

Be comforted in the fact that he likes you, he wouldn't be calling you/seeing you if he didn't.

Love to you...2b

January 8, 2007
5:06 pm
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nvr2late
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ready!!!
2B is right..if he did not like you he would not see you..men are that way! šŸ™‚ not to offend any man on this site!

and you need to believe in yourself..the abuse that we have endured is BOUND to seep through..but try to live in the moment..try not to have too many expectations!

enjoy the fun!
it is tough on that ex-ride..you understand that..and you can appreciate being out of it!

I am now taking after you..not one..but 2..and believe me, I am scared to death!!!

almost to the point of not going out with either of them!

baby steps!
nvr

January 8, 2007
7:05 pm
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taj64
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Trust has to be earned in a new relationship. You have not learned to trust and if you have had problems in the past with trust with a partner you cannot trust then of course it is not easy to start to trust. As you go on, I think you can learn to trust this person. To be honest you can expect to really trust someone until you know them much better. Six weeks is still so new of a relationship and bound to be insecurity even with a guy you are happy about. It is all so new and you want it to turn out better than all the other ones. It is ok to be a little obsessive because that is the way it is when you really like someone, you anticipate the calls and you cannot wait to hear from the person. It is exciting at first. You are worried that you will be disappointed. And so far he is not disappointing you. Hang in there is my best advice. And keep busier inbetween the calls and live your own life. YOu had one before him. Take care, good luck.

January 8, 2007
7:16 pm
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arlea
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Funny Ready,,, I don't know how old you are or any more about you but this post. I think what you are doing and going through is probably normal and I guess you are excited and yes maybe a bit insecure. Chances are he is going through the same thing and could possibly be the author of this post...lol... relax and enjoy. Hope all goes well for you keep us informed.

Rob

January 8, 2007
10:55 pm
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readyforachange
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2b...yes, I remember reading of all of your perils with Dr. B...and I know exactly how you were feeling. Why do we think we aren't good enough??? You and I are both intelligent, strong, caring, wonderful women! Any man would be so lucky to have us, and if they don't realize that, then too darn bad for them. Ha! I can say that...but putting it into practice is another thing.

nvr...You GO girl! I say you see BOTH of them, let them wine and dine you, have some fun, and make us all proud!

taj...thank you. I'm trying really hard to stay busy so that I don't obsess so much. I just finished a two week vacation from work, so it gave me a ton of extra time. That was bad. I'm back at work, so things should get busy again.

arlea...I'm 43, divorced 2 years and have two teenage kids. I'm acting (and feeling) like I'm in high school again. I never thought about how he feels about all of this...you're right, though. Maybe he's at home thinking the same things I'm thinking! Good thought!

We just had a nice phone conversation (about an hour long), and plan to see eachother again on Friday night. I will try to stay very busy until then, and hope the time passes quickly.

January 9, 2007
8:42 am
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2bstrong
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You are so sweet, Ready. And you ARE right, we are wonderful human beings. In my case, I thought that my education wasn't enough, blah, blah, blah. I look back on my thoughts at that time and think how crazy they were. My goodness...if I could only see myself through someone else's eyes instead of my own harsh, critical viewpoint.

I think taj has a good point too about the trust. Especially trusting in ourselves. Trust that we are capable of having a healthy relationship. We are works in progress. I've said it before, if you are at these boards, you are intersted in your own personal growth. For sure that is a step in the right direction.

Hugs to all on this Tuesday.--2b

January 9, 2007
8:43 am
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nvr2late
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ready...
ok now I am going to take direction from you!!!

time will go fast, and I hope that it is all that you want it to be Friday night!

seems to me, he is just as scared as moving too fast....and we can all understand that.

just be glad he is not pressuring you more and pushing you away!

it is still new in this relationship...there is plenty of time for it to go faster...enjoy the time that you are not with him and get to know him first..maybe the doubts will go away!

let me know what happens! šŸ™‚

nvr

January 9, 2007
9:01 am
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readyforachange
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2b...you're right. If we are here, we are working on ourselves, which means we must love and value ourselves enough to try. Right?

nvr...you may be right. Maybe he's scared, too. He's pretty open and honest, talks all the time. So I know at some point he will tell me how he feels if we're moving too fast. So, how's it going with the two new guys?

January 9, 2007
7:20 pm
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nvr2late
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ready...
well..it is odd...because it seems like everyone has gone through a nasty divorce..and who wants to talk about that?
one of the guys wants to...
so I have to wonder if there are red flags with him....

but we all know how divorce goes!
unfortunately!

so, I have to read inbetween the lines.

I don't know, seems to be very complicated!

we will see..I will see how you handle your situation first! šŸ™‚

nvr

January 10, 2007
6:18 pm
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readyforachange
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nvr...that's a lot of pressure on me!!! You're going to see how I handle my relationship! Yikes!

Well, we're supposed to go out this Friday night. I haven't heard from him yet today, he usually emails or calls once a day. No big deal...he will at some point today, and if he doesn't that's fine too. We have gotten into this routine of contacting one another every day, and it starts to feel like we're obligated. I'm not sure that's so good.

Okay, I'm going to be really honest here. This is what's been in the back of my mind. Last weekend, we saw eachother both Friday and Saturday nights. Saturday we went to a movie, and went out afterward for a few drinks. When he dropped me off at home, I asked him to come in. We sat and talked for about an hour. My kids were both gone (spending the night at friends' houses). There was some kissing, but it didn't go beyond that, and it hasn't gone beyond that. Now I'm wondering to myself if he expected me to ask him to spend the night...which I am totally not ready for after knowing him only 6 weeks. I may be old-fashioned, but I'm not going to sleep with someone after 6 weeks. It seems like all the other guys I've dated lost interest after 2 or 3 dates because they expected me to go further, faster. This guy seemed different. Am I imagining it? I don't know, I just feel like he's been quite a bit less attentive this week than in the past, and I'm wondering if it has something to do with that night.

No matter how much I try to talk myself out of obsessing, I still obsess. It has been over 20 years since I've dated, and I have no idea what I'm doing. HELP!!!

January 10, 2007
10:22 pm
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readyforachange
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OMG...I'm dying. I emailed him last night about 11 p.m. It's now 9:30 p.m. the day after, almost 24 hours He's never waited this long to respond. Nothing. I went out with some friends tonight and had a few glasses of wine. I called him on the way home, no answer. Then I came home and checked email. No response. I'm dying. He hasn't responded in almost 24 hours, and I'm dying. WHY CAN'T I JUST LET IT GO? Why do I care if he responds? It is so codependent of me to care...I hate myself!!!

January 10, 2007
11:40 pm
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readyforachange
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Now it's 10:30. I went out tonight, had a few glasses of wine...called him twice. No response. He hasn't responded to my email of last night. I don't understand why I even care. Why am I sitting here worring about when he responds?

We have agreed to go out on Friday night. I've bought a new outfitk am planning for the event. I don't know what I will do if he doesn't call me, or respond to my email.

I'm so pathetic. Why do I think this person I hardly know defines who I am?

January 11, 2007
2:44 am
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doubleloss
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hi ready, have you read the book:
"why do men love bitches"?? it's great! recommended. (BITCH=babe in total control of herself).

I have it and I'm reading it and it sounds VERY good. all the best!

January 11, 2007
7:35 am
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nvr2late
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Ready!!!
my heart goes out to you!!!
I hope he has contacted you..and if he is mad because you did not go farther...let him be mad!!!
that is one area that you can make decisions based on your feelings...not someone else's!!!

you are not ready, I understand that.
and if a guy is that shallow to not understand that..then so be it.

I hope you find out different..that he was just busy.

let me know what happens..remember...I am using you as my role model right now! šŸ™‚

the pressure is on!

nvr

January 11, 2007
7:45 am
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readyforachange
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aw, nvr...I don't feel like anybody's role model. I feel like pathetic, desperate, lonely, middle-aged woman that is going to stay that way.

He didn't return my call or my email yesterday. I didn't leave a voicemail message when I called, which is a blessing. After two glasses of wine, I could have sounded desperate and stupid. I hope you are right, that he was just busy yesterday and didn't have time to email me back. I guess I'll see. I'm going to do my very best today to stay busy so that I don't contact him...no calls, no emails, no texts. I have to use some serious self-control here. It's gonna be hard. Yes, I'm desperate, but do I want him to know that?

The sleeping together thing is really starting to bother me. I wish I had a guy's perspective on this. If you've dated someone for 6 weeks, gone on 6 or 7 dates...do they expect sex? If so, why don't they just say so in the first place. Why do they tell you they enjoy being with you, and like your company, blah, blah, blah??? If my intuition serves me right, this is what's going on. We were up really late that night (about 3 a.m.), and I didn't ask him to stay. When he left that night, he wasn't as reluctant to leave. Didn't come back for a second kiss goodnight, didn't hold me for as long. I wrote it off as him just being tired. Then, he hasn't really been as responsive to emails and phone calls since then. We talked the other night, and he ended the conversation kind of abruptly. He hasn't responded to my email or phone call from yesterday. The only thing I can think of is that he was ready to have sex, and I didn't initiate it.

Am I way off base?

January 11, 2007
10:56 am
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Anonymous
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ready,

That must be driving you nuts!

Anyway, I have said things like I don't kiss until after the third date or I don't have see until I am married.

I don't know what your limits are...but sometimes guys like a finishing line to cross. If they don't think that they can handle waiting 3 dates for a kiss...they aren't for me...that is what I kept in mind when I was single.

Anyway, I have two book recommendations for you...that will keep you busy instead of obsessing, right? šŸ˜‰

"Mars and Venus on a Date" John Gray

"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" Patricia Evans.

The jonh Gray one really lets you inside a guys head during the dating process.

The verbal abuse one i think would be helpful because you were in a verbally abusive relationship and it has some how to's on creating a relationship that is healthy...maybe that would calm some of your fears.

Maybe it is time for a DTR. Defining the Relationship...at least sexually if you think that is the problem.

Like a sort of when do you like to become sexually intimate in a relationship...oh really...well I prefer that I really feel like I trust and know the person and know they have good intention for me and themselves...

Or whatever your feelings are.

As a nod to the 90's "Let's talk about sex baby..all the good things and bad things..." C and C music factory.

lol. šŸ™‚

Anyway, at least you aren't obsessing about someone that you didn't know had a girlfriend and you were obsessing for a month! And, in an abusive marriage you aren't sure you want to save....blah blah blah...

Could be worse.

I want to read that "why do men love bitches" book...I have heard it recommended quite a few times. anyway, I guess we both have books to read instead of obsessing to do.

Good Luck!

Please keep us posted!

January 11, 2007
11:27 am
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nvr2late
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I have that "Men love bitches' book...it is great!
it is interesting how we say that we don't like games, and it seems to be always a game!!!

do you call..do you have sex.
that is why I am not so sure I want a relationship with anyone!

those decisions I would like to make...without someone having expectations that you don't know that they HAVE!

I have heard that 3 date rule from some men...and I think that is shallow!

but I am not a man..so tapping into their heads may be the way to go!

good luck, ready!
I hope he contacts you!

nvr

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