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Why Am I In Love With A Cheater?
April 18, 2001
10:34 am
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airica
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Hello all. I am pretty new to this discussion group, so be patient if you would. But I have a serious problem I think.. No actually my ex-fiance' has the problem, I just can't seem to go on with my life. I have been involved with a man for almost 4 years. 3 years out of that time period we were living together. I even packed up and moved 2400 miles across the country with him. Out of the years that we spent together, I would describe our relationship as a good one. We were comfortable with each other, rarely had a fight or argument, we basically seemed to be pretty much in love. Then I got pregnant and everything changed. I was confused about this change because this would be my third pregnancy by him in the years we spent together. I aborted the first child and had a miscarriage with the 2nd. So I was set strong on keeping this third pregnancy (I am 8 months pregnant now). Anyway, so he started to change when I got pregnant...I just thought it was depression because he is finally going somewhere with his career and I thought he was overwhelmed. But one day out of the blue he dropped a bombshell on me. He called me on the phone (which I thought was pretty cowardly) and told me that he was cheating on me. He told me that he was involved with this woman before me and their relationship never worked out because she is crazy and does not know how to treat a man. He also told me that he had feelings for her and he loved both her and me. He said if he could have two wives.. his life would not be difficult. This was a huge shocker to me..we never experienced any problems in our relationship and this has been quite difficult to deal with. I have begun to question myself..I mean he describes me as being the perfect woman, one who is beautiful, intelligent and knows how to treat a man. He describes her as a total opposite.. she is evil and doesn't know how to treat people. However, over the course of the past few months I left him, I moved back to my hometown(2400 miles away from him).. I still love him and want to be with him. I want to work things out because we are about to have a baby in a few months. But basically he is blowing me off and saying that he can't be with me because he can't be faithful to me. However, he still has her in his life. I am so confused, how can a man do that to a good woman? Why did he choose her over me, when he admits that she is not a good person and does not know how to treat a man? Why is he steadily pushing me away, when I want to work things out? How can he have gotten over me this quickly when we have spent almost 4 beautiful years together? I am so confused and I need guidance.

April 18, 2001
3:59 pm
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Ladeska
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You may have spent time with him and all that. You may have thought you knew him, but obviously - the truth is - you didn't. And you need to look at - what is here - and not what you had pictured things could be or what you thought - they were.

I don't know all the answers to the questions and you'd need to get those answers from him. But, what you need to ask yourself is - is this acceptable to me, to my child and for my life?

He's told you alot, in fact - enough for you to answer these questions for yourself. He's not up for it. He's bailing on you, pure and simple. Cute little story he told you, but I don't believe a word of it and I hope you don't either. He likes being with her and that's that. He also likes to screw with your mind and heart. Is this okay with you? If so - you'll never have an ounce of respect out of him for you and you won't have any for yourself either because....he will just do this to you - again, and again, and again. He's basking in his ability to yo-yo you back and forth - her, too obviously.

Guess things got a wee bit too serious for him when a baby came into the picture. Oh darn, shoulda thought about that when he was doing the act. I don't see any love here. You may - but from what you just said - he's just been using you. He's a charmer - face it. They are very good at what they do and life when they are good - can be oh so wonderful. And then - they can pull out on you, turn their back on you at the drop of a hat and you go HUH??? What the heck was that? That's a snake - showing you his scales. That's what it is.

So, if you go back now - he's basically going to say to himself - hm,m,m.....she's stupid and deserves whatever I do to her.

It's your call. But you need to get your own self-worth issues straightened out here or you're going to pass all this down to your own child and history will repeat itself. In love with two people, my butt!! What a con artist.... Please....do not fall this baloney. A man like that isn't going to be a good father to your baby.....you're better off without him.... He's poison - I hope you don't return to it. Then again - some people sure do like pain, I guess they think they deserve it. Is this the deal with you?

April 18, 2001
4:12 pm
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Molly
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Everything that Ladeska said is right on. Why are you in love with a cheater, well, its the shoulda woulda coulda disease, compounded by denial. Your not the first, and unfortunately not going to be the last. Right now you need to protect your self and baby. I think you did the right thing by going back to familiar territory, where hopefully there is emotional support. For your childs sake really think about the character of this man, and the level of exposure you want your child to have. If you were not 8 months pregnant, I would suggest that you find your anger, and take this bum to the cleaners. When are we women going to learn to make demands, this shack up thing is destroying us, as well as our children,after the first two pregnancies, you should have gotten a clue about this guy you say you love. Think about the word love and where is it comming from his end? Cut your losses, get the DA to file for child support, and it should start now to cover expenses of the birth, and therapy. Get an attourney to be the go between because the last thing you need to hear is his manipulative bs, that he will promise you again with out any paper work, to protect you and baby. Cut your loss, and make a nice life for you and baby. Get your head together, you started out right leaving don't have a second thought about second thoughts.

April 18, 2001
6:23 pm
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Ladeska
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Yeppers, Molly!!! We women have got to pull our head out of our butts. We are smarter than all this nonsense - aren't we? I mean, we are past the used car salesmen thing, right???? We do deserve to be selective and to not settle, right???? AND, we don't have to have a man to have a man, right????? C'mon Airica....fight for yourself here. DO NOT roll over and become a victim again with this dude. He will really take you to the cleaners this time emotionally. Please - use your own good sense here. You'll hate yourself if you don't.

April 18, 2001
7:34 pm
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airica
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Thank you all for your good advice. I know I am stronger than I think that I am because if I wasn't, I would have never left him in the first place. I just feel so stupid sometimes the way things turned out. I feel so stupid for believing all of his bullcrap. I feel so stupid for feeling bad because he chose another woman over me. And really he is the one who should feel stupid because I know I am the best thing that has ever happened to him in his life. I am beautiful, I am smart, and I have a career to fall back on. On top of that I have a really supportive family who has been a God send through this whole mess. But throughout this breakup...pieces of my self worth and self esteem has been altered. Not to mention my pregnancy hormones taking its toll on my emotions. It is just so hard to believe that a man can do this to a good woman? It is so hard to believe that a man would turn his back on his unborn son. It is so hard to believe that he never loved me and used me for almost 4 years. I mean, I feel like a piece of trash thrown to the wolves. Now I am depressed because I am going to be a single mother..and it is hard enough finding a decent man as it is..I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I just want to be happy and I am tired of being taken for granted. I am tired of being used just because I am nice. I just don't know how to break the cycle... Any advice on that?

April 18, 2001
9:36 pm
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Molly
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yea, this is not about you. Well, ok sorta. I don't want you to think that we are going to beat you up here, but honey, most of us on this thread has been ok, stupid, once or twice or three times get it. So there were several choices that you made along this highway of surprise, that is no longer a surprise to us. But you have to learn the hard way sometimes. We need boundry lines, and we need to say NO when our ut oh buttons go off. Live and learn. Its hard to say if you had demanded marriage, if his true colors would have shown up then, and marriage is no guarentee, but at least it gives some protection. Right now you need to cover your bases regarding the childs financial security for the next 18 years, don't let the bimbo tap into his pay check before your baby gets support. Dont' even be thinking about a man, or being a single mother, if you have your parents your already ahead of the game. Just don't fall for his BS. Put your feet up, think about being a mother. I think right now at this point that is enough. As far as breaking the cycle, I don't think you'll ever be so trusting again, tough lesson, but you'll take a different path. Don't feel bad, look at the thread depressed again, that poor woman is 58 age has nothing to do with it. There are all kinds of men out there, its just our job to do a better job of picking them, sometimes were just to accepting, but no more!!!!!!!!!

April 18, 2001
10:11 pm
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airica
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Ok maybe I am being a little selfish..especially in my thinking that I am gonna be single and alone for the rest of my life. Like I said my self esteem has been trashed because of this whole mess. One thing is for sure.. I am stronger than I think I am because I have made a lot of sacrifices and went through a lot to make my pregnancy as healthy as possible under the circumstances. Also, in regards to the child financial support issues.. before I left I made sure I wasn't going to be stupid about that.. I got copies of his social security card, drivers license, birth certificate and assetts to make sure I don't go through any hassles with tracking him down for child support. I made sure I wasn't gonna be a bigger fool when it came to this situation. However, I won't deny that my love for him is still there. And I feel to call him and profess my feelings for him everyday.. but I have willpower.. and I have been able to sustain so far. What is so funny is the fact that I know we probably can't fix the situation about the relationship..but I am extremely jealous over this other woman when I should be happy that she is stuck with all of his bullcrap. I don't know.. I guess I am still dazed and confused.. I know it is gonna take a lot of time to get over it.. I am being impatient and emotional. I am however looking forward to motherhood with or without him in my life. But thanks for all of the great advice.. it is good to hear coming back at me.. it is like a wake up call.

April 19, 2001
1:49 pm
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Molly
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He is just like anything else that we become familiar with. I say it takes 21 days to break a habit. 🙂 We get used to things, and are out of whack so to speak because things are different. As women, we try to hold on to the nest even when there is not one. We think what did she do right, that I did wrong, for him to leave me for her. But big surprise, he will leave her to. Then she will be in your shoes, and there will be another victim. Go wash your hair,keep busy,and when the melencholy takes over just picture him with her,that should put you back on track. Thank God you had your wits about you when you left, have you started the paper work to attach things now, don't wait,he must know what is comming, easy to change accounts, and jobs and even identies, don't wait.

April 20, 2001
8:41 pm
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airica
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He called me today.. and I felt pretty good about the conversation.. yet I am pretty offended. I had to cut the conversation short because he seemed to talk about himself and his emotional healing and had no concern for mine. I am gonna stick to my guns and not be the same fool twice. However, I am trying to maintain at least a cordial relationship with him because of the child. I don't know what is wrong with me.. but whenever I talk to him I just want to cave in and profess my love for him.. and see if he will change..but I know that will never happen. I have been beating myself up all day about this mess because I feel like he should want to be here for me as well as his son. Maybe I am talking about nothing and I just need to vent. Maybe my pregnancy hormones are affecting my emotional outlook on life too much. I just want to go on with my life.. but I can't seem to get this man out of my mind in order to move on. Everything seems like a memory and causes me pain.

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