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Why am I attracted to my counselor?
May 8, 2002
12:49 pm
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Molly
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Gypsy---- one of the most difficult things in what you layed out, on the thread and to Sandra, and what I see as the foundation for getting it all together is SELF LOVE. Soul food. Damn its so much easier to deal with crap when we have a fed soul. There are just some people that have never stepped in a pile of crap, and they sing all day, seems like nothing bad ever happens to them and they continue to rise. The rest of us fools, step in crap, and sometime get in a crap hole, which is so slippery its damn hard to get out of. There is a big difference in the person, who is supported, loved, and with out struggle. Than the person who is isolated, and grabbing on to straws, just trying to keep their head above water. Remember that comment about it takes 5 good things to erace 1 bad. We have a history of bad choices, that we echo in our heads for 24/7 its easier to see, hear touch and feel. I think that is why women are attracted to church alternative healing, and the Goddess journey, its all loving support, which helps to over come that negative stuff. That is why baby steps, and the little things in life become important. Recognizing the flowers in the bandini, the sunny days instead of the rain. But to love you , you need to do something of action. You need to do it your self, so that you can own the acomplishment. That is the foundation for handling stress, finding good relationships, and that is the truth. When you feel good about your self, and you have earned it, you have little tolorance for those that don't toe the line. When you have your reasonable goal in place, it isn't the same stress that you are dealing with. Its a blessing that you can't wait to finish, and nothing gets in your way. Even right now with you, understanding that you need to be patient with your mom, and wait for a few weeks, sure the day to day crap could and might get you down, if that is your focus, but if your focus is getting to that date, and a countdown, and reward for your surviving each day, its just a little different. Here we can coach your daily survival, and at the end of each day reward you to help build that self love, instead of letting you sit in a pile of crap. Thoughts attitudes. Then in the mean time, while your serving your sentence, har har har.... making logical workable plans to carry out when that day comes. So, then you will have several successes under your belt so to speak. Seperating your self from evil helps too. Some of the people in your life might not want you to reach your success, there are all kinds of them out there, gosh if your not needy, and a pain in the ass, how the hell do they validate them selves ? There is no one to put down any more. So, seperate your self as much as you can. When you are a star, your glow is so bright that you won't let the bottom feeders around you, that is the biggest step in healthy relationships, starting out with healthy people, which are in damn short supply by the way. You are so hard on your self, celebrate your gifts, focus on today, and tommorow. You dont' have to answer the phone, you don't have to answer e-mail, you just take care of you and Angel, and you know how to work mom, don't you ????????

May 8, 2002
11:46 pm
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grace
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Nikka – I’m trying to understand the intensity of your reply to Annerose. She says: “I think this dual world I live in has helped me get thru some tough times. It is nuturing… My life is richer, much more textured and joyous w/ him in it. He offers great support.” - isn’t that being a catalyst of some sort if he’s helping her with other, possibly bigger problems?

Molly – I’m trying to understand the intensity of your reply to Annerose too, esp. the words “evil” and “RAPE”. You said “he should have said, you are a client, and I am a professional counselor, and that is all it is or ever will be.” Annerose did write “He made it clear he wants to be professional, has a lot at stake” so he did let her know that he is not going to give up his career for her. Unless it’s in other threads, I don’t see Annerose saying that he acts interested in her on a personal level.

Why can’t the counseling that Annerose receives be considered ‘love’? Not romantic love, but the caring love of a professional? of a human towards another within the given constructs?

I ask these not to be offensive, but to learn. Obviously I can identify with Annerose somewhat, though I reached a point where I knew I needed to leave and did so. But I am still trying to “get over the crush”. Apologies if this is addressed in other threads.

May 9, 2002
5:15 am
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UK Polly
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I'd like to tell you what happened with my counsellor, it may be a different point of view.

I had been going to see her with hubby, then went to one appointment without him.

After the session on my own, she asked if I wanted to make another appointment. I explained to her that he kept me very short of money and I could not afford to make that committment.

She told me not to worry about it, if I needed to see her to call and make a time. She made it clear that paying her would not be an issue. I haven't so far because I respect her need to make money and I don't want to abuse her offer. However, I very much feel that she is interested in me and my problems. Her normal hourly rate is £40 (about $60) so for me this is quite a lot.

May 9, 2002
6:36 am
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nikka
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Grace --
Good morning. My intensity comes from the sense I have of working in a 'calling.' -- The work is never about me and always about the patient. I am not naive and am aware that some people enter the profession in order to work out their own demons, need a sense that someone is worse off than they, need to feel that they are taking care of the world's pain, like a sense of power over others, or just wanna make some money -- probably other reasons as well. -- Trouble is that when you bring that to work you only care about me. -- Any WOMAN or MAN who takes the fragile ego of a patient and abuses it by playing either at the edges of intense emotional involvement or at the center of that palyground should be barred from the profession and then be made to suffer the tortures of whatever dark fantasy the patient has. -- Sorry, girl. In my opinion you shouldn't have to end the therapy, the counselor should have made that decision. -- Love must be found among equals and not be a product of lonliness or fantasy or need/longing. Patients and counselors are not equals. The power relationship is all one-sided. Ergo: It is RAPE and should be prosecuted as such -- even if the patient feels his/her emotional needs are being met in the relationship. -- As for mentally healthy etc, Ms. B., my experience indicates to me that all counselors need therapy as well (myself included) and the healthy often walk around much less healthy than they think. -- My best to you, Grace, but what you had was infatuation and if the counselor reciprocated she/he was off base, and should be picked off and sent to McDonald's to fry potatoes. 🙂

May 9, 2002
1:01 pm
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Molly
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Its really difficult to decipher somethings on line. However with her explaining that the fantasy is still going on in her head, and they only response he made is that he will not answer her when she addresses her feelings Just doesn't sit well with me, and is on the edge of allowing her to fantasize about him with out him putting and end to it, which is not right, if there is a right or wrong. Love well there are all degrees of love, and the professional should make sure that the client understands that as part of the treatment process, appropriate love, and inappropriate love, which plays into developing healthy boundries in the relationship. This is a slippery slope, it is the professionals responsibility to keep in check and define the lack of dependency or inappropriate dependency. There is a big difference between a sponsor, mentor, and therapist, counselor, yada yada. There are not many counselors, or therapists that will take consultation phone calls, or many crisis calls due to the lack of controll, and hmo billing. The usual would be for the client to make an appointment, or be referred to a group, or inpatient if they are so unstable. There are just to many legal consequences here for the sessions to be so casual, and immediate, besides all the the case notes required for appropriate documentation. If it really was working for her, and she was complete, I doubt she would have posted her confusion for consultating. Its real hard to tell some times the stability of a client in a weekly one on one session, the therapist, may not be completely at fault due to the manor in which the client expresses themselves.

May 9, 2002
2:37 pm
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UK Polly
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Blondie, don't worry about my toes, I have some left on the other foot! I'm glad you have strong feelings about things in general and life in particular - how sad it would be if you were indifferent.

My counsellor does not bill, she deals only in cash or cheques. And I agree, she does have a life and bills outside counselling which is why I haven't taken her up on her offer.

Have to tell you GFs, the best counselling I got was here . . . I read for hours when I first found the site and didn't post until I'd thought about it. I found all of you to be caring, intelligent and passionate about living your lives for yourselves and I felt that if you all could do that, then so could I.

Then I put on my thread 'Hope for the future' some eons ago to say thank you to all of you. My view hasn't changed, I still thank you all because I think that together WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE. So my love and many hugs to you all, including Blondie, even if she doesn't read this thread again!

May 9, 2002
5:35 pm
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scherza
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WOW, Polly.

I have to agree about the therapy being really good on here. It is perpetual group therapy...without time or travel constraints. You can pick the issues that interest you and ignore the ones you don't like or care about...and come and go as you please! You don't offend anyone if you do this in your underwear.... You get a wider perspective of ideas and opinions...from all over the world. Most of the contributors are highly intelligent and have lots of interesting thoughts. You don't have body language or facial expressions or coughing or voice modulation or interruptions or fear for your physical safety if someone gets violently upset. Your attachments become less intense. It keeps my real life my real life and my cyber life my cyber life. If I need to vent, I don't have to wait until next week when I could fit into a schedule. If the therapists or the clients have had enough, they can leave without apology...and no one gets hurt! You can come back to it later, if you want to. There is a certain lack of boundaries to some extent...but then the 2 dimensional expression itself is a certain type of boundary...as well as no physical human contact. The therapists and clients interchange roles...which removes the sense of "they have it all together and I don't." You learn that it is OK to not be OK all the time...and that people learn to cope with this...some even share how they cope with this! Knowing what is inside a therapist's head is helpful as a client...understanding the rules of the game...and how it should and should not be played. Life is a game...so is therapy...we all have our toys...mine are stethoscopes and blood pressure cuffs and needles and drugs and crash carts and....

I really like this board. It has been very helpful to me.

I wonder where the funding source for this board comes from and if they anonymous accept donations. This thing can't be cheap to keep going.

May 9, 2002
6:00 pm
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UK Polly
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Yeah, I really like this board too.

One thing I notice though, people don't use paragraphs a whole lot. I find it makes things very difficult to read (getting on in years, you know, and you lot don't come online until nearly my bedtime in the UK so my eyes are tired). I go cross-eyed reading big blocks of text and I'm sure I miss loads of good stuff cos I've lost which line I'm on.

As for funding, once a board is set up it doesn't cost much to run. If you have free web-space with your email, you could do it too. I set up a small site which I thought would be useful for reference and once I'd done the pages, I put them on a server and it doesn't cost me anything at all, just a little time (few hours) to begin with. But by the way, my toys are computers . . .

May 9, 2002
7:18 pm
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annerose
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Finally found my way back. Thanks to all of you for your loving thoughts, angry outbursts etc!. To clear up a few things. Yes, I was certainly not feeling fully content or resolved about my situation. That was why I took the risk of writing & putting my thoughts out there for discussion. Correct. Yes, my feelings do cause emotional upheaval in my life which, yes, already has upheaval in it. My therapist, let's call him R., has been very effective in inspiring & supporting me to make positive changes within. I am not done seeing him for good self preserving reasons:I do not have enough other outside support. I have taken steps to build on relationships w/ other woman. However, we are all so busy right now raising teen daughters w/ serious emotional/mental health challanges, it is hard to find the time to help each other.We do when we really need it. Another issue has been sorting thru how I feel about my husband. I've wondered if I did the right thing in marrying him for yrs.. With the cloud of depression, much thinner the last 3+ yrs., (which is what I see R. for), I have some sorting out to do on serious issues such as- am I & my girls better off with or w/out him? So far, it is definately best to stay as a family. That is saying a lot when you think of the serious, forever-love fantsy/backdrop I made that decision with. I did imagine R. & I living happily ever after together. I was still struggling w/ that last I wrote. I decided a few weeks ago that I had to be more honost w/ R., but for my own mental health, do it w/ no risk of having him cut us off. He knows me quite well, so agreed to no cut off. Then I admitted my years long infatuation with him. I gave him my "history" of needing a second guy in my life to be infatuated with. He's very careful & thoughtful so for this session only asked that I write(my favorite tool)& come in w/something next session. I agreed & admitted there is love to talk about too. That session is tomorrow. I will admit my love for him went wild at times. I will tell him I must have misinterpreted various things he has said that led me to think his feelings for me might lead him to give up all & run away w/me. I will tell him not to use words that are open to interpretation. he knows better & does often stop to clarify, buthe's "just a man" & has either completly missed some clues about my feelings, I've been a great deciever in order to "keep him", or he too has been confused. I think it is a combo of all three things. He will only let me know in very subtle ways because he has so much to lose. I believe I have a lot of power in the relationship now, due to his mistakes. I do believe in many types of love tho & will make an attempt to teach him. If he doesn't get it, or it's too risky for me then I'll be strong &I'll make the call to move on.
After I wrote here(& never came back to read again 'till today), I consulted a psychic (another favorite tool of mine-as a springboard for thought-not total belief in all they say....) She said he cares deeply for me, but she saw no long term relationship w/ him, because I would be disappointed w/ him. After a lot of soul searching I've decided that fits, exactly. He did make some mistakes,left things grey etc., etc., might do that again w/ another woman, so I recognize I don't have the respect for him that I need for a healthy long term, committed love relationship. It really puta a big hole in the happily-ever after- fantasy.I will stop going when the time is right & trust myself to make that call. Yes, I know he will not risk his family stability for me. I have gone back & forth on that issue, I admit. No doubt I will come bak here for support to keep thinking & doing the right thing.

May 9, 2002
7:28 pm
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annerose
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I just read all you all wrote. Thanks so much for your discussion. I've come a long way since I wrote. Been away consulting psychics , my soul and yes, more fantasy land adventures for thoughtfully testing myself on whatI really want. I just wrote my whole story for you for about 2 hrs, then lost it! Probably too long anyhow. No time left right now, but will come back another day. It really helped to read & write so the process , at least, has not been lost just the printed letters. I'm no longer as far away in fantasy land, & I plan to discuss this whole weird trip w/ my therapist tomorrow. (Sisterly) love to all!

May 9, 2002
7:35 pm
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annerose
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Guess my first writing did NOT get lost! My soul is out there for all to read!

May 9, 2002
9:13 pm
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grace
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Thanks all, I have a much clearer understanding now. I will print this thread and reread if I ever find myself in such a situation again. I do think that things, especially personal and professional boundaries, get a little more blurred where I live (Hawaii). It’s a cultural thing. But I could be wrong about that too.

Blondie, I don’t think you’re mean at all. You tell it like it is. I just don’t have the experience and wisdom that you do despite my age, just lots of questions and confusion. I know it’s exasperating to keep repeating yourself, (I’ve read other threads, incl cloud’s) but thanks for doing so. It’s not all wasted energy.

Polly and others – you all HAVE made a difference. I agree that this site offers the best counseling anywhere. Even to know others struggle with similar questions is relieving.

Annerose, thanks for sharing.

Good day all (or night, depending on time zone)!

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