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Why Am I Always The First One To Talk
March 14, 2006
12:18 am
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heartbeat
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I have been on this site for a couple of weeks - mostly listening - commenting every now and then. But I want to know why are we always the one to talk first. I have been with my husband for 17 years, twelve of them sober, but for the past four years he has been drinking again. He had by-pass surgery four years ago and 9 months later said he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore. I let it go for a while thinking he was depressed (natural for a post heart surgery patient) - but think it's time now to make a change. We have been separated twice in the last four years - me always initiated the separation - me always initiating the reconcilliation. For the past year I have been getting myself financially ready for the big divorce. It's been tough - being open the whole time for him to be ready to work on this relationship. But he has settled into being happy with a "just buddy" situation with me. So here I am again - ready for change to happen. Rightly so wanting this marriage to work the right way. But in the past he has always said he wants to be married, but he isn't going to change. That's great for him - he gets to work, come home to a great home, relax and think that as long as he is providing he is doing his duty. No relationship, no intimacy, no touching, no sex - much less trying to meet any one else's needs but his own. But it's okay - I've been trying to do my own thing too - work out my life financially to be okay. I am turning 50 in June, have 3 kids who are pretty much grown now and have gotten myself a full time job. I am not completely set financially, but would be okay right now. But my real dilema is "why am I the one who always has to verbalize the dysfunction in this relationship". I am not a rocket scientist but I am a human being and right is right and wrong is wrong. No one is perfect, but after you have given someone his "imperfect" space that we all have - it never ceases to amaze me that I have to be the one who expresses verbally that there is something missing here. I know I am venting, but I feel I am ready to hear feedback on this. If this gets printed twice it's because I'm not sure how to get this into a thread. Thanks for the feedback.

March 14, 2006
12:31 am
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on my way
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Maybe it could be because you seem to be more aware of the dynamics of your relationship. If he is depressed he may not be thinking clearly, and if he is drinking, he may not be facing reality. I'm sorry, it sounds sad for you.

And generally, in counseling situations we women are known as the ones who want to talk.

March 14, 2006
1:08 am
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tinkrbell
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heartbeat,

Wow. 17 years. What an accomplishment these days. I know it's hard for you right now but you seem to know the path that needs to be taken. It feels as though you have done all you can to make things work and sometimes it just doesn't. He may be going thru a bit of confusion at this time due to the surgery and the drinking. Just point blank ask what it is that he wants to to with the relationship. It's not good for either one of you to hang on to something that isn't there anymore. I know it hurts but time will heal all of that. WHo knows...this may be a re-birth for you. I'll keep you in my prayers/

tink

March 14, 2006
11:24 am
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heartbeat
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on my way and tinkrbell:
Thanks for the reply. I really wanted some objective feedback on my situation and it was interesting what both of you said. It is sad for me and I didn't even mention that for the past 6 months when I think about my situation I feel very sad because it doesn't have to be this way, but drinking does cloud the issue. And also, maybe both of us are trying to hang on to something that just isn't there anymore. Very sad for both of us. But it is what it is and thanks for the positive thought. This could be a rebirth for me. I will just keep working on me and I know I'll find the answer inside me. Thanks.

March 14, 2006
11:39 am
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taj64
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It sounds as if your needs are not getting met in the relationship and he is perfectly happy the way things are and not willing to change. He says he is not going to change. All the talking in the world and trying to get him to change will not work. The only person who can change thing is you and that is by focusing on yourself. Your situation will remain the same unfortunately. It amazes me to hear many people say that that have so many years and history and yes 17 years is a long time, but quantity does not equal quality. This is your life too, why not get what you want out of it? The answer is within you, not relying on him to make it for you because he won't. He said so.

March 14, 2006
7:00 pm
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Thanks taj64. Everyone has had something special to say to me. For you - relying on him to make the decision - that's what I have been doing for the last 3 years. It's so amazing that it's much clearer for others to see what the issues are. Thanks for making them clearer for me.

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