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Why am I afraid to let go
May 12, 2005
5:47 am
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Fuming
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It is now a week since I last spoke to my boyfriend or should I say got abused by my boyfriend. He is a crack addict and at his worst. I went round there to drop off his belongings as he is going into rehab. Monday just gone. The day of his birthday. Last Thursday after he threw knives round me, dared me to use my phone to call for help, smashed the room up, imitated me crying (he's hurt me before) so naturally I'm not to know how far he will go and this time I really believed I wouldn't be getting out alive. Anyway, after three hours of mental abuse he wants to go to a petrol station for cigarettes and I manage to make my exit from there. He called Saturday a.m. to leave message and said he had my mobile which he would send back to me and that I could call if I wanted (I assumed he was packing up ready to go into rehab.). I didn't return his calls, neither on Monday to wish him Happy Birthday or good luck for rehab. It is now Thursday a week later and I am wondering whether he has gone in. Should it really bother me if he has or hasn't. Why am I constantly going back to someone who treats me like absolute sh**e. Who could even phone me the next day after violating my space without so much as an apologise and using my mobile phone as freebait which I might add I never received in the post. I am so wanting just to call the number to see if he answers but all for what because when I am with him I just want to leave it again. It's almost as if to reassure myself that nothing has changed in his world and I am right to move on, but I am NOT moving on. I am merely deluding myself and running back everytime. I hate him for the way he's treated me but I also love him for who he is underneath all the cra*. Maybe I'm just deluding myself with the meaning of love. I really don't know anymore.

May 12, 2005
9:40 am
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Deena
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I guess for me the abuse and the drug addiction would be it. Old 'habits' are hard to break and that's what it seems like right now. There is nothing wrong with calling to see if he's okay in rehab (or if he even went) maybe this time away is something you both need to clear your head. Start doing things for youself...stop wasting time on someone who is abusing you.

May 12, 2005
10:35 am
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Fuming
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Deena
Thanks. I have been strong today and resisted contact (counsellor advises that is the best thing) but not easy -although reading some of these other stories and to know that I am not alone is carrying me for now.

May 12, 2005
2:26 pm
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kathygy
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I would walk a way from this man and never look back. I would have nothing to do with an addict and someone who is physically abuse. Know that what you feel as love for him is merely your childhood wounds surfacing. Its time to love yourself and only want good things for you. Give priority to taking care of you. You deserve so much more.

May 12, 2005
3:11 pm
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BamBam
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I used to live with a crack addict. We were together for almost 13 years. (he was a drug addict for about the last 9 years)When I finally left him it was because of our 2 children. I couldn't continue to raise my kids in that environment. I have to say though, if it weren't for my kids, I don't know that I would have left. I truly loved him. He was not abusive in any other way other than the drug use.

What I'm trying to say is it's been almost 12 years since we've been apart and I still have problems, but I can't believe how different life is without drugs being involved. I can tell you one thing, I'll never be with anyone who uses drugs again.

You will not be able to live a sane life with an insane (drug addicted) person. He can only treat you badly if you let him. (((((hugs))))))) and take care of yourself!!

May 13, 2005
1:41 pm
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Fuming
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Bam, bam
Thank you for your words of comfort. This morning I got up and had one of they grey moments where i nearly called in sick, due to the blues, but I got myself up and out and I have to say it but I've had an excellent day and I came home early and had a letter from him stating that he had gone into rehab. I had mixed feelings but at the same time am pleased. I can't explain the freedom I feel within although I know I should have felt that even when he was around. I am feeling stronger as every day goes by and I am pleased that I stuck to my guns and I did not weaken and call him before he went. I am slowly but surely moving on. I haven't quite come to terms with going out and enjoying myself again as I so used to so instead I treated myself to (wait for it) Christian Dior anti wrinkling cream, ha! ha! I kid you not, this guy aged me although I 34 I feel like I was 50 at the end of it. So I'm all tucked with dvd, box of chocs and pot of cream. Big hug to all of you and may the force be with us

May 13, 2005
3:10 pm
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BamBam
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Fuming,

OMG, I can't believe it. Just a couple of months ago I did the same thing. I bought this cleansing "potion" that you use in the shower and this "seaweed" facial mask stuff that costs about 1/2 of an arm. Boy oh Boy, was I loookkkinggg goooood! ha!! The mask stuff was the best. My kids thought I was nuts walking around the house for 15 minutes looking like "Mama Smurf".

I've only used it 3 times since then and I don't really think it does anything, but I sure feel pretty using it!!! (must be a girl thing?)

I'm 34 and also feel like I'm 50 some days too!
Take care and I'm so glad you're having such a great day!. Happy Friday to ya!

May 13, 2005
4:13 pm
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Deena
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Fuming....Glad to hear you are doing better. At least he went to rehab..Guess you'll see after he gets back if it did any good or not.

Well, I agree w/ you and Bam. Im 32 and feel like 60. Let me know if the cream works!!!!

P.S. Very proud of you! You go girl- no contact rules. (sounds cheesy,eh?)

May 13, 2005
4:30 pm
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Fuming
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You'll know if the cream works, I'll be out on the town in a flash - ha!
I'm taking a year out for me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, :>) Gosh that sounds so selfish - but I guess it's time to start looking after no.1 and enjoying life. Today was a good day!! Stay strong to all you "no contact" members.

May 13, 2005
5:13 pm
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BamBam
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OMG AGAIN!! I'm not 34........ DUH!!! I'm 36....... I just went back and read this thread..... this is about the 4th time in 2 months I got my age wrong. Maybe I AM 50 and don't even know it. ha ha ha ha ha

May 13, 2005
5:55 pm
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Deena
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BAM...that happens, for the longest time I couldn't remember if I was 31 or 32....old age is setting in. From all the BullS*** we deal with.

Have a great weekend!

May 14, 2005
3:28 am
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Fuming
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Morning all - I'm up bright and early with the birds and the bees, can't the sun's out shining yet, but I'm hopeful. Bit of a strange one this morning. After receiving letter from boyfriend yesterday or ex. or whatever (I don't know anymore) it has sunk in that he has gone into rehab. and I will not see him again for a longggggg time and the last memoir I have of him was not a good one but I guess I can use that to my advantage to stay strong. I am getting on with things to the best of my ability and will take each day as it comes. Today being a domestic one by the looks of it. It's really strange, it's like I can't have a boyfriend "with" my friends or I'm too afraid to mix the two because now he's gone I've got friends popping up out of the woodwork and it's really nice to know they're there but is this me. Am I incapable of having the two. I seem to live this double life. It's either/or. Maybe because I slate the boyfriends so much, tell my friends and then go back to the boyfriend I live in secrecy hence the double life which is so unhealthy all around and is a statement within itself. I am not comfortable with them in the reality of it or I am not comfortable within myself or maybe I think they will think my friends are boring or whatever. I have no idea. I am very shy myself when it comes to being in big crowds or even small crowds that are formal so to speak like dinners, lunches etc. I am more of a one on one person but I am getting better and at inviting others along to join in now. A lot of that were my fears when I was younger - who would like who so to speak when I had many friends but from different backgrounds. Being picked on at school and peer pressure didn't help. I think one of the reasons I have been so divided is because I haven't always been living my truth and as I have a history of drug using aswell and it has taken me a long time hence a variety of different friends, the good 'n' the bad - ha! That also didn't help being with a crack addict as I felt I was never strong enough to be there 100% for him as I liked to socially use whereas for him was a life long condition that threatened his wellbeing, jobs (well he didn't work) because of it and so on. What I am now realising is that it would never have worked and that what is happening now is how it is and what is happening was inevitably going to end up like this. The test has arrived - and that I have to be there for me mentally and emotionally before I can even begin to think of giving or being of any use to another person.

May 18, 2005
12:40 pm
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Fuming
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I'm feeling pretty lonely at the moment. Missing him. I have lots of friends around me but I am missing him today.

May 18, 2005
8:19 pm
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Deena
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of course you are...you are going to have good days and bad days. You will be okay. I hate those lonely times too, but it passes. Keep your head up. Sending hugs to you...

May 19, 2005
8:22 am
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Fuming
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Cheers ma dear, well today is a little better. Weather doesn't help being up and down, down and up and well, I know as time passes things will change but it's wanting to accept that they will and sometimes I fear letting go of the past - not that it really brought me much joy in the end, but a step into the unknown future seems daunting sometimes. On top of that the whole build up before he went into rehab. caught up with me and I am covered from head to toe in eczema which is driving me nuts !!!
So much for my anti-wrinkling cream for eyes. Not gonna notice much difference there in contrast - ha!

May 20, 2005
11:36 am
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Fuming
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Anybody out ther? Could do with a 'hello'. It's been two weeks and one day since I last saw him now and just getting on with things. Ain't much else I can do. I'm quite alright actually. Things are pretty good but my friends are so trying to set me up with a nice (so-to-speak) guy and every time another man shows interest in me all I do is want to run back to my ex. I don't know whether this is just part of the process of moving on or whether I am kidding myself and really deep down I am holding out for when he comes out of rehab. by keeping my options open. Is this wrong?

May 22, 2005
9:50 pm
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Deena
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Hey, been away over the weekend...so just posting now....Are you really ready to date? If you are go for it- just to get out and have fun. Don't sit around waiting for him to get home. Go live your life. If it's meant to be it will happen. Noone says run away and get married to someone. You always have choices and options. Go have fun and hang with your friends. It's about you now. YOU YOU YOU....hear me?

May 23, 2005
10:46 am
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Fuming
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Damn, I messed up. Dum de dum dum... Sheesh man!
Stranger things have happened. I sort of had a hunch yesterday when I got up that a number withheld was from him. Anyway, I weakened and yesterday evening rung his phone out of curiosity which is sad really knowing that he'd gone into rehab. I mean how bad is that - just when you thought you were bad - ha! ha!

Anyway, it rings which is weird and then goes into his voicemail when naturally I hang up. Then my friend calls and when our conversation is up the phone goes again, this time it is his number flashing up. Totally baffled I pick it up thinking it's his friend or something looking after the phone and it's him.

I was shock and almost too much for words - but we met up last night and I stayed at his and now I feel messed up again and the weird thing was amidst all our conversations and catching up as he has been practically non-existent in this relationship for the last 6 months due to his drug taking I just blurted out (don't know why cos' it hadn't bothered me or even got me curious) whether he'd slept with since last November and there was silence.

He admitted he has slept with 2 other girls.

I am numb today.

I am everything and nothing.

May 23, 2005
11:18 am
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Hey Fuming,

we are all afraid to let go. So, you are not alone in this!

I guess the reason for this is either childhood hurts, abuse, lack of love etc which are reflected on our adulthood.

I would recommend you to shift your focus from him to something else. Have your discovered your passions, hobbies, and what you'd like to do in your pastimes? Perhaps go to bookstore and pick up a good book by Melody Beattie "Co-dependency No more" sit and savor your book with a cup of coffee. Invite someone you respect who can uphold you during this hard time of detachment. Take advantage of Coda meetings which are free in your area. Just check them out at: coda.org

Also, there is a thread here entitled "Let it go" just go and read it. It was the thread that helped me release my friend freely. As some previous wise poster on this thread has pointed out "if it's meant to be, it will be."

In addition, why don't you join the "No Contact" thread on this board. It will give you so much courage and support. The guys here are fabulous at giving us all the support and love we need.

Take care, God bless!

(((Hugs)))

May 23, 2005
12:45 pm
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Deena
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whew....you slept over? Sex? It happens. It's very hard to let go. Okay..so he's out of rehab? is he better? Where do you want to go from here?

Like Ras said, Im in the no contact club. I refuse to call him. I want to, but Im forcing myself to let go- for me.

Instead of jumping right back into things why not give it a little space? I can't say let him go because you won't and I know it's soooo hard, but at least start doing things for you. You will feel so good then you'll realize he may not be worth you.

Keep me posted!

May 23, 2005
2:36 pm
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Fuming
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Hi Deena
He was supposed to go into rehab. two weeks ago and I thought he had but never made contact to find out just beforehand as we had a major argument and couldn't be bothered to be there for him on the day after that. Then, five days later I get a letter from him saying he had gone into rehab. and he hoped that I would look after myself and that he will be uncontactable for a while but that in the future things would be so much better for us. In a way I was relieved and pleased that he was doing something and knew that this was such a brave move for him as he had been in rehab. before and was so scared this time knowing what to expect. Then, another week later, being yesterday so that made two weeks since I thought he had gone into rehab. I get a missed call (hmmm) had a hunch, so I mulled over it all day and then I called his mobile and it was ringing which I thought was odd as I know you can't take them into rehab. Well, next minute my phones ringing and he's on the other end. I felt a mixture of things, sick, excited - angry the whole shabang. Then I find us arranging to meet last night and yeah, it was fantastic, he treats me how he knows I want to be treated etcetc. Yeah, we end up having sex, not great, everything rushed too quick and that was when whilst lying there it just popped into my head and I said 'have you slept with anyone'. When there was silence, I was like 'oh shit' and it wasn't just one, it was two. Through his escapade, of booze, crack and blackouts over the past six months, most of which I stayed away from he slept with two other girls in the same social scene I guess. The funny thing is I'm not jealous at all and I did actually laugh. He asked why and I said, well if she'd had half a brain or the slightest of looks it might have twinged me a bit but the fact that they were from the same game and one of them was apparently absolutely grotesque and they called her Tesco Tina. Grrreeatt eh! I said to him,well 'it's your conscience you now have to live with and if you're gonna do it, at least do it in style'. We left on a good note but as today has gone by I am now going through feelings of broken trust - etcetc. The reason he did not get in touch with me was because he has come clean over the last two weeks and has even set up his own little jetspraying business, which is most bizarre - I even saw the proof, flyers etc. He thought that I was seeing someone. He saw me out, but I was in the car with a friend and her boyfriend on the way to doing a carboot sale the day before he was supposed to go into rehab. Either this was the reason for him not going, or this gave him the kick up the ass. I don't know. Now he wants us to work on ourselves and see what becomes of it and although I respect him for telling me the truth I really don't think this is ever going to work because I accept it like I have accepted everything else he will do it again.
Hmmm, your opinion...difficult !!!

May 23, 2005
3:48 pm
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Fuming
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Could do with some opinions here.....

May 23, 2005
3:59 pm
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Deena
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im here. It's tough. As much as I would love to tell you to walk away and move on...I know how hard that can be. What do you want to happen? I took my ex back after 1 month apart only for him to dump me 8 monthes later for good. Getting back together always seems great but it's like a bandaide. The real shit is still there and eventually surfaces. Oh, it's great in the begenning of reconnecting, but the same bull shit will probably continue. Just don't wrap too much effort into it this time and see what happens. Maybe since he did try to clean himself up- that's a start. If it's meant to be it will work out.

Nice...way to sleep with a skanky ho. Are you being protected? I know sounds like a mother but if he's phucking around, make sure you take care of yourself.

Well, think positive, maybe he is turning his life around?????? Only time will tell. Keep talking to me. We are all here for ya!

May 23, 2005
4:14 pm
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Fuming
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Oh don't worry about that one. That was the first question I asked "did he use anything" and he said he did, but I ain't taking his word for anything now and am getting tests done. After all he's in the sleazy world of crack, hos and bullshit and who knows what these girlies have got. I'm at the stage now where I'm thinking the first time he slept with one of them, was shortly after he smashed my car up with me in it and then two weeks later after I'd calmed down and we spoke for the first time, he was so over the moon and this and that and more bullshit and then he goes and sleeps with her and wants to know if I'm sleeping around. Obviously it would have made his conscience easier, but if that wasn't bad enough that he'd hurt me, got me back, he sleeps with her and then sleeps with another one. I know I can cap it all off with "oh well, once again it was the drugs and black hole he was in" but flip me - if I ain't good enough for him to stop all that for then well, kiss my booty.....and there I was sitting on the fence the hole time, using lost time between us positively and doing my own little business at home besides full time work and not going out etcetc so's I could prove to him I was there for him when he came out of it and well, I don't know what to think. Too much has gone on, he obviously has absolutely no respect for me whatsoever. He said last night, I can't believe you've been so calm about this and if you feel like talking about it at any time just talk to me - ask me anything, bla bla bla. I feel like calling him now and saying 'you know what'

May 23, 2005
4:18 pm
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Fuming
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"I won't ever trust you again" so don't bother calling me again but I know I'll be the one wanting him to call in a few days. He knows me so well, he really does. It's so difficult cos' I've put my life on hold. I should just get back on out there eh and in a way he's made it easy for now. Not like I've got anything to lose if I did go out, did do drugs, did enjoy myself, did sleep with someone else. What the hell does it matter now.

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