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Who's on tonite??
November 6, 2004
12:04 am
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sewunique
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What level says makes laot of sense. You have to take care of yourself first. A relationship is based on sharing. so many times we seek in that other person, what we lack in ourselves. They say you have to be complete as a person first.

But hey, look at me talking; easy to say it, it's another to do it and live it. Level you sound strong and know your boundaries. Do you feel it inside? Can you believe it of yourself? You do sound like you are on the right track!

Bub, that carrot cake sounds mighty fine to me. Hope you get out of the house tomarrow. Feel the sunshine upon your face and let it's warmth surround you. Just as all the great people here are reaching out to you. It' hard to see the sitting in the cradle. I been there before and can feel for you. Silly, but I used to ick uo the phone, just to hear the dial tone to make sure it was working. Waiting is so hard. Starting this post tonite was a great idea; for you and all of us sitting here doing nothing but posting and reaching out to each other.

November 6, 2004
12:08 am
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Btw, BUB, I'm not bagging on you, I feel your pain, really I do... The situation sucks, I've been there.. But I'm just trying to point out that while you might have lost a battle (her), you won't lose the war (the rest of your happy life)...

The answer is you, and it's staring you in the face, you just can't see it at the moment because you're sad.. The key is to move on with yourself, whether she comes back or not... I promise that is really the way to make your pain stop.. I wouldn't lie to you.. I hate seeing everyone here in pain... Really I'm trying to help.. And all I can do ( without a license) is speak from experience... I really am giving you my best, and hope she does come back to you...But don't let that be the end of your work!

November 6, 2004
12:11 am
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bubishi76
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Sew,
Let me tell you. It is hard. I was in a relationship where I totally lived that. Then, after 71/2 years she came to me one day and said, it's over. So, with this one, I got scared and busted my butt to do everything I could for the relationship. Now, it's tettering on the brink of falling apart. Makes my heart really hurt. Makes me scared. I guess I also have expectations that I bring from seein my grandparents make it for 46 years.

November 6, 2004
12:16 am
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art angel
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Bub,

I think you're doing well. Just keep yourself busy. I like taking walks. That really helps cause you're out of the house and you feel like you're going somewhere instead of waiting for something....(even though you probably are)...

I don't know what else to say I guess, but just know that you are doing the right thing by letting her go and have some time and space.

art angel

p.s. you're welcome Level! This board is great, huh?

November 6, 2004
12:17 am
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bubishi76
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I'm tryin Art, I'm tryin.

November 6, 2004
12:19 am
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sewunique
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Bub,

I hear your aching and fear of this falling apart. What started all this?71/2 yrs is a good time for a ling relationship. Sorry, I missed whart started all this. Have you both talked before she went on; what, a business trip? I do not mean to pry, I just know that you have been waiting for her phone call ansd she did call the other day.

I hope I can get myself out that door tomarrow and get my butt moving to do what I need to do. I have many good intentions, but it sure is easy to sit.

So what are you up to besides posting?
What can I do or say to help? I know it is hard for you just not knowing what lies ahead.

November 6, 2004
12:26 am
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Sew,

yes I do feel my strength inside... But it took a sudden epiphany from God, 3 days of crying, and 6 months of some serious self-reinvention to get to this point today. It's still a process, but the world is much clearer to me now, as well as my place in it...

On the God thing: I am not a religious person... I went to a church to see some friends of mine perform... One of them gave a testimony that made sense to me, although I'm not sure why at that moment it did... But I swear I felt God's hands on my shoulders telling me, "You've made some big mistakes in your life, but I love you and you are going to be OK.. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and be the best little human you can"... It has carried me through everyday since... I figure if God loves me, who the heck cares if anyone else does? And to make him proud, I am trying to be the best little human I can... I do not, however, go to church or belong to any particular religion... But I am telling this story because the spirituality, or "God", has given me an option for dealing with the sucky stuff that happens in my life and hte bad feelings that I get.. It gives me a positive option for coping, rather than be being depressed or anxious... It has given me true inner peace and strength... Sure it takes work, but it has been so worth it... When you know that you can rely on yourself, you won't let yourself down, and someone's up there watching out for you, it is the most amazingly comforting and powerful thing you can imagine...

For BUB, the "if you love someone, let them go" saying is very similar to "giving someone back to God".. In your case, I'd recommend either option.. The point of those phrases is both about giving up anxious control, letting it go, having faith, moving on, and don't worry about it... It will all work out for the best in the end... So enjoy the person you are in the mean time...;-)

November 6, 2004
12:27 am
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bubishi76
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Well,
I mean we had some difference before this. However, we argued prior to a trip she took 10 days ago. She only called once in 4 days and when she came back she didn't come home. Then this whole thing began. She said it wasn't over but she needed some time to think about things. We have been together over a year. I'm just watching TV. I don't know that there truly is anything you can say or do. I just wish I knew what was going on in her head. I thought that after all the time and stuff we've been through, that we'd always be able to talk things out. We always had before. I can't help but fear the worst

November 6, 2004
12:29 am
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sewunique
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Bub,

I have done this before. Sounds silly but it helps sometimes when I forget how good I really am.

I go to the mirror and really look at my face and then do a bit of positive talking; like I am really worthwhile, I am a good peson, etc. whatever it is that YOU need to tell yourself after beatig yourself up before that miror. We have these negative messages that are records playing over and over, especially when something or someone reminds us of thiose old records we have.

I am trying to work on that area and I know it won't come overnite or even a month; maybe a lifetime, who knows.

Just an idea for you I am tossing out there.

Level, you have some good thoughts there, keep 'em coming!

November 6, 2004
12:34 am
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bubishi76
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Sew,
I have no doubt that I am a good person. I've done alot of good things and have lived a pretty good life for the most part. Doesn't stop the hurt when my girls gone though.

November 6, 2004
12:43 am
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BUB,

I worried about what was going on in my husband's head too... Wanting to know is actually a control issue... The point is it doesn't matter... He/she is going to think what they think and it's their problem, not yours... You have zero control over it.. I absolutely agree with talking things out, and trying to understand, that's a great commitment to compromise... But you need to know the truth about you, that you are strong, a good person, nice, loving, etc., and be comfortable in that knowledge whether someone else likes you or not... That way, you don't lose yurself in relationships again, or feel resentful when someone isn't giving you what you need... ( And when they don't, you also feel comfortable in leaving)...

I see you as the offended party here, unless you did something you should be guilty for in making her leave, you are actually the offended party... Why the heck are you worrying about what she thinks? She should be worrying about what you think about her for bailing... That was my real point in all this...

November 6, 2004
12:51 am
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sewunique
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Level.

Ihear what yu are saying. I, too am looking for that inner peace. Where I am not afraid of being alone, if I stay single the rest of my life.

I had many issues with my mom. did not talk to her for 10 yrs. She suddenly became sick (passed away this Mar.) I flew down 9 times last yr to take care of her (Am an RN). It was the best thing I ever did. I did resolve issues I thought could never happen, but it did. A lifetime of feeling angry at her abuse to me as a child.

Imagine, me at 54 yrs old, to find resolve with her from my childhood. And we both found resolution and such an inner peace came, upon her face, (she lost her speach with illness), and I had an inner peace flow over me into my entire being, which I never felt before in my life!!!! I told her it was the best gift a mother could give a child (our resolve), and I thanked her and thanked God for giving me that full year with her. She passed on one week later after I had to fly back home.

It has been a profound experience, one that gave me the strength to tell her I would have to file for a divorce; the tears ran down her cheeck in response.

So, I understand what you are saying. I know that things CAN get resolved. I KNOW there is hope for me to live thru all this and to learn to deal and cope with codependent behaviors, or to change them.

I just do not know how. But I can learn. What did you read or do you like go to ALON or a Codependent workshop or what? I want to get out of this hellhole I live in for good. This site is a start.

November 6, 2004
1:03 am
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bubishi76
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Level,
I think she and I are both to blame. We both brought baggage into this that caused issues. I do feel as the offended party, however she probably feels the same. Who knows. I'll give her her space and it will eventually have to come to a head.

November 6, 2004
1:17 am
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Sew,

Nope... Didn't read anything... Didn't go to a meeting... I do have a counselor but I am actually the one who decided to start working on the codep stuff myself, they didn't push me to it..

Really.. honestly.. It isn't a joke... "God" told me I was going to be ok.. So, I am.. Just like that.. (No, I don't hear voices, and like I said I'm not religious at all..)... It really just more of a serious epiphany that I could no longer be the person I was, do the things I did, or live the way I had.. I had reached a turning/breaking point... I was finally DONE (DONE!!!) with drama, and feeling bad about myself, cuz this guy didn't like me.. I just in one shot, all at once, got a sense of myself.. I was suddenly able to look around me objectively... It was scary at first trying to be strong, and have boundaries... But I prayed for strength in all things... Never did it before in my life, honest, I just make them up...

I will tell you though, that the first thing I did was start being grateful... For what, you ask... My husband tried to leave me twice, I was a wreck emotionally, I'm not where I want to be in my career, I have no children after 10 years(because he won't touch me, my plumbing works fine) what is there to be grateful for? EVERYTHING... EVEN the bad stuff!!! Why? Because it all makes you who you are.. It all teaches you a lesson, and if you open your mind, eyes, ears, and heart to it, and be honest with yourself, it speaks to you, and you realize that all this stuff happens for reason... There is a purpose even in the things that suck, like bad relationships, or loved ones passing on... One them is perhaps those of us here who have had these expereinces will one day go on to save someone's life because we can communicate and have empthy for them.. I'm just saying you never know...

But everyday wake up, and find 5 random things to thank God (or anybody) for.. Truly, it resets your attitude completely... It can be anything from the smallest pleasure of a soft blanket, or the sunny day, to the great gifts of a person in your life...It is hard to be depressed when you're smiling and realize that you actually have a lot going for you!

PS - I got that idea from an Oprah show ages ago, where she was touting a Gratitude Journal... Years later I remembered it and said "what the heck.. can't hurt"... It's worked for me ever since...

November 6, 2004
1:22 am
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I'm glad to hear that BUB, that you can be objective like that... Like I said, I'm giving you my best wishes for this to work out...

November 6, 2004
1:33 am
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sewunique
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Level,
I know what you mean. Itruely believe what you say about your experience. It was REAL. God heals and leads us in so many ways. Call it a Higher Power, if you wish, what ever, IT is real.

I KNOW what inner peace I felt was REAl. It flowed over me into my inner being like I never felt before, and yes, I have been religious, no matter, but never felt THAT before. I believe you. No, I do not ques, "voices" or anything as that. If anyone does, then they have not heard nor read any great writters and philosophers of our time back to Socrates and Aristotle.

Your experience and how you describe it its quite helpful. I've heard about the 5 random being grateful things abiut Oprah before, just never tried it. But I will give it a try!!!

Thanks. One of my learning needs is to read and to find a meeting. just looked on net and found Codependents group hee I think will give it a try. Talking and admitting is helpful as writting on this site with everyone here helps to know I am not the only one.

You are so helpful, I thank You for your time!!!!!!!!!!=)

November 6, 2004
1:33 am
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sewunique
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Level,
I know what you mean. Itruely believe what you say about your experience. It was REAL. God heals and leads us in so many ways. Call it a Higher Power, if you wish, what ever, IT is real.

I KNOW what inner peace I felt was REAl. It flowed over me into my inner being like I never felt before, and yes, I have been religious, no matter, but never felt THAT before. I believe you. No, I do not ques, "voices" or anything as that. If anyone does, then they have not heard nor read any great writters and philosophers of our time back to Socrates and Aristotle.

Your experience and how you describe it its quite helpful. I've heard about the 5 random being grateful things abiut Oprah before, just never tried it. But I will give it a try!!!

Thanks. One of my learning needs is to read and to find a meeting. just looked on net and found Codependents group hee I think will give it a try. Talking and admitting is helpful as writting on this site with everyone here helps to know I am not the only one.

You are so helpful, I thank You for your time!!!!!!!!!!=)

November 6, 2004
1:44 am
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sewunique
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Bub,

How are ya doing? Been thinkin about you while writing to Level and went to another thread where someone was looking for help.

So how are you doing? It's 12:30 down here, my eyes are getting heavy and typong is getting sloppy.

I am sending you all the warm fuzzies and good thoughts your way. Did you catch them?

Hard to wait and give someone space, right? Your doing a great job, and you reached out tonite and started this thread. Good going!!!!! And I thank you!

I understand your trying to understand and in wonderment of "what's going on in her head" or to paraphrase you. I have always been a "Why" person. I know what you mean. You can drive yourself nuts trying to figure that out.

You seem to be creative (from reading other posts), why not journal this or put it into poetry? You have a lot going on in your head, so why not put it on paper? Hang in there, guy!

November 6, 2004
2:11 am
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sewunique
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1 am here, signing off, nite all peace and good dreams

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