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Whoops! I slipped...now what?
March 16, 2010
7:43 pm
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LouWho
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Day 36—I am not proud...I slipped...I stumbled...I fell...

Day started out poorly. Last night it was suggested to me that I was “trying too hard to get well too fast”. That I was pushing recovery, taking it too fast. Cooking the books of my recovery to get well fast, I suppose. (I believe I will have the shame please, ala carte)

And while I value the input, it was disappointing to hear. Disappointing in that perhaps I am striving too hard for the gold star, and less hard for learning the real mechanics to healing my codependence. And true, it is true enough.

But it left me feeling bummed out. (A bit more Shame please, perhaps a pinch of guilt if you have it)

As I woke this morning, I felt even more bummed. It took me until noon to get out of pajamas, (which I can do that, I office at home alone much of the time. What customer is going to know that when he’s ordering from me by phone that I haven’t brushed my hair or teeth and am still in my pjs?)

Then I had to interface later in the day with a person I do not care for. He is a man, clearly damaged by his own demons, a negative blood sucking emotional vampire type. Whenever I have to be around him, my skin begins to crawl. He makes un-welcomed advances which is icky enough on its own, but that is hardly a problem in comparison to the angst I feel when I am around him. He is just a really dreadful man, always attacking everyone about anything, preying on their vulnerabilities, always talking about his superiority, and then he parades around playing the I’m-mister-happy-go-lucky-easy-breezy-friend-to-all-mankind tune. It is so baffling. And weird. Very weird.

It really bugs me! I mean REALLY. (If you could just manage a bit of resentment, that would be awesome)

There is something about this guy that is so creepy and sick. You know what I mean, I hope. It drains me to be around him for any length of time, I always feel like I need a shower after being around him to wash off all the negativity.

Enough already….ickiness established.

Anyway... knowing that I was going to have to be in close quarters with him today because of work, I was dreading it. Now normally, I just try to imagine myself as a fish floating and let whatever he says wash off me. He says something negative and I usually say something to the effect of “Yup, that’s the way it goes, Joe.” And really manage to ignore him for much of the contact.

But no, not today. (Order’s up-double order of shame for the pissed off lady at table two)

From the minute I came into contact with him, all of my usual abilities to deflect disappeared. His ugliness and negativity cascaded all over me like he was pouring sticky syrup over the top of my head. The really thick, molten, paste-like stuff. He was in rare form, hating almost everything and everyone, nothing was done to his taste, no one is as smart as he is, everyone’s a dumb ass but him…. it kept getting thicker and thicker and I felt like I was going to drown in all the crap he was spewing.

And then it happened. A major slip for me. (Enter-Shame spiral)

I started thinking about how truly revolting of a human being he is, and that he needed a stiff gut check, and in the interest of society in general, I would take the bullet for this hit. I began to manipulate him, ever so slightly. When he said something really awful about someone, I would slowly, imperceptibly turn it around to where he was actually saying it about himself. The first few times, he didn’t get it. I continued, knowing I was crossing the line I shouldn’t, but I continued anyways. But to be successful, I was going to have to be a little less subtle. When he began to talk about someone I knew and how fat and sloppy they were, I was ready. And being that he was toting an extra 50 pounds himself, I turned it around on him, replying something to the effect of, “Well, losing weight is a tough thing for weak willed people, as you very well know yourself.” The casual conversationally way in which I responded was the real clincher here. Timing, delivery, cruelty... they were all dead on.

Yeah, he got that one. Bammo. Sited, targeted in, direct hit….Boom city, baby. (And a hush falls over the crowd as she is hurled to the ground in flames of shame.)

The remainder of our encounter was rather docile after that. When he realized that I would return each of his negative volleys with a gut wound, he found he had little to say to me. He was shocked, I am not generally not that confrontational, or that overtly rude, it isn’t my style. I may shut someone down, but I rarely head shoot someone.

Yes, it was a slip of good sized proportion. I had no business doing that. I should have kept my big yap shut, as I was taught last week and just endured the limited exposure I had to for business reasons, and then merrily put him in my rear view mirror. But no, I was having none of that today. I had no tolerance for his crap, and I lashed out at him like a child and made him the whipping boy for my own sense of failure. Classic failure. (Welcome to square one again….crap!)

Those words ringing in my head you’re “trying to hard to get well too fast.”

So I am thoroughly disgusted with myself. I not only soaked up his ickyness, but mirrored it right back at him, lowering myself to beneath his level as the Crown Prince of Crap...Jeez, I feel dreadful.

Okay folks…looking for suggestions. What do I do now? How do I get back on the right path?

March 16, 2010
8:08 pm
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CAMER
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don't feel disgusted, you just said what you had to.

I know of alot of people, who are like that guy, judging, calling people names and what not....I always say "stop judging" and thats it.

*I began to manipulate him, ever so slightly*

LouWho, educated me, how is this manipulation, i know you posted yesterday about something about manipulation.....but i'd like to learn more, yeah, I've been with manipulative people, but who knows, maybe I too am manipulative.

I just see you as being honest, open, and going on a path for recovery. To me its all good.

March 16, 2010
9:16 pm
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onlyboringontheoutside
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I'm confused. What about the encounter is making you feel guilty or ashamed?

March 16, 2010
9:20 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Louwho don't beat yourself for this. We all do similar things from time to time. Its part of being human. If he chooses to dish crap then its only reasonable to expect that if you catch someone on a bad day they will throw it right back at you.

Look at it for what it is and don't let it become a focus or a reason to be hard on yourself. This is an opportunity to learn something about yourself and grow from it. Once you learn the lesson then you won't repeat the behavior. I often fall back on undesirable patterns and just see the mistake as a reminder of what I would like to change for the future.

Why do you think you are focused/hurt by the comment that you are trying too hard to get well too fast? You set your pace and it will be what works for you. Anyone else can have an opinion, but that is all it is. If it doesn't fit you, then let it go.

The year before and after my divorce I changed so quickly and learned soooo much about myself. Its like my healing went into warp speed and all I could do is keep going. Looking back on that time, I was realizing new things every moment sometimes it was a bit overwhelming but I don't think it could have been any other way. It was a very difficult time in my life, but also very valuable. If your life is in warp, then hang on tight and make the best of the ride. From what I've read of your posts, you are doing fine with your healing.

March 16, 2010
9:32 pm
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MsGuided
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I don't see why you expect yourself to be a saint, completly loving and kind all the time with every type of person.

To me he got what he deserved and you shut him up.

You desrcibe his total character as a predatory narccissist who could be charming. He was attacking and belittling others and you just let him know how it feels when it's aimed his way, offering a mirrored reflection of himself.

You need to get some weight off your chest ( you explained you weren't feeling very happy. So what, give yourself a break in the moments you're not perfect) and it wasn't like you lashed out at someone innocent.

Forgive yourself.

March 16, 2010
9:41 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Lou, there is a song call Need You Now by Lady Antebellum. Youtube it and listen. It has been almost two years for me, but I still have my moements.

Bitsy

March 16, 2010
9:44 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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You Now Lyrics

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now

And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without

I just need you now

I just need you now

Ooo, baby, I need you now

It happens to the best of us.

Bitsy

March 16, 2010
9:56 pm
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haythere
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The guy sounds like a jerk and needed someone to put him in his place......you were having a bad day and did it. I'm sure someone out there is thanking you!

Move on, none of us are perfect. Pick yourself up, get back on the wagon and keep working at it. I think you have been doing a great job. And your posts are as entertaining as they are thought provoking.....please keep posting.

March 16, 2010
10:39 pm
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LouWho
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Sorry, I wasn't very clear, was I?

Key to my recovery is taking care of me-policing me-monitoring me and my behaviors, not judging or policing others.

Chel-it is funny...when I read your post asking me why those words got to me, it suddenly occured to me what the problem really was...imperfection.

Wow...that is so wierd. I thought it was because I was doing something really wrong like bending the rules, but now I realize that you both are right. I am moving fast, maybe that will cause more slips, but maybe that is how I have to do it. Maybe he does it slow, you did it fast, but you are both in a better place, right? There can't just be one set way for all.

Wow! That's amazing. I already feel better. I'm such a dope.

In the dictionary next to the word codependent there is a picture of me. (An extremely flattering picture, of course, but still me)

You're right, Ms G, I'm being a little overly rigid. Need to loosen up the old sphincter.

I am letting go...I'll think about that tomrrow, at Tara, afterall, tomorrow is another day.....

March 17, 2010
6:05 pm
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saddoxie
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Yes I will think about it tomorrow. I love that line. My Favorite movie line!

March 17, 2010
7:05 pm
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atalose
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Lou,

What I have learned is:

Change is a process, not an event.

Recovery is a journey…….not a destination.

We can’t think our way into a new way of living……we have to live our way into a new way of thinking.

So you slipped, it’s not a full blown relapse. You discovered what you didn’t like about your own behavior, that’s half the battle!

Just prepare yourself for the fall- out with this guy, he sounds like a passive/aggressive and some where down the road he’ll be looking to strike back.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 17, 2010
7:45 pm
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chelonia mydas
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LouWho, you are a great lady with a talent for writing.

March 17, 2010
8:10 pm
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LouWho
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Ata- I am printing that out and pasting it on my headboard- live our way into a new way of thinking.

Classic! Brilliance!

Bitsy, the song is pretty interesting, thanks-

Yes indeed...we have some good things going on here, haven't we?

Thankx folks-

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