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Who is right.?..be honest, please!
August 13, 2007
8:34 am
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hopeful for change
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without reading all the replys to your post, let me say that you already know the answer to this.

IS this the way you would treat someone?

Does anyone deserve to be treated like this?

But like in this example, and he treated you in this manner, and you still went with him, you are letting him know its ok to do this to you.

So although its not your fault, you are saying its ok to treat you in this manner.

STand up for yourself, you should have said screw you I am not going, bye.

August 13, 2007
10:42 am
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glittered when he walked
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Pearl,

I don't think that you were being selfish. I do think he was being unreasonable. 15 minutes to wait is not the end of the world.

I think it is fair to tell him "if you wish to go somewhere with me, i need at least 20 minutes notice most of the time. If you ask me to go somewhere with you in 20 minutes, you won't have to wait. - everybody is happy"

Granted nobody likes to wait...but his getting angry over it and acting out as he did is childish. Now, if i was asked to wait 20 minutes and that was repeatedly stretched into 40, then yeah, eventually I would just leave so the other person would learn that they are accountable for their time estimates.

You weren't being passive aggressive in my opinion. being passive aggressive would have meant that you deliberately went SLOW...but you said you hurried.

August 13, 2007
12:47 pm
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lettingo
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OMG I would have thrown a cow if someone sat in the driveway laying on the horn in the drive way after only waitng 15 minutes!!! He must think of himself as very important..arrggh, I think the only thing you did wrong was to end up getting in the car with him.

August 13, 2007
2:37 pm
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pearlseeker
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I see your point.

But the place we were going was to see my son and his family at their campground...for an hour or so. and I really wanted to see all of them...

It makes it hard to put on a smiling face in public, though, when you are hurting inside. I have learned to hide it well.

August 13, 2007
2:52 pm
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Zinnie
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Then here is the alternative.

When he drove off acting like this? Get in your own car to go where you needed to go. The first stop? Probably to a hardware store to get new locks for the door.

I would very clearly tell him "I will NOT tolerate that type of behavior. I need more than a minute to get ready to go someplace, and if you cannot allow me that, then do not expect me to hop up at your whim."

Now, here is the tricky part for you - you have to stick to this.

Z.

August 13, 2007
11:54 pm
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pearlseeker
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Wannabe, you said if I know what he hates, I should try to avoid it. I do try. But there are SO many things this man expects.

He wants his plate warmed up for meals. And the buns always have to be warmed.

I must put his jalapeno peppers on the table at each meal.

He won't wait for anybody...

He wants me sitting with him every evening watching TV, even if I don't like what is on. So, I read...or get on the computer, but I am still in the same room

He wants me to get all the housework done before I can read a book.

Well, these don't seem so earthshattering. It is his REACTION that is earthshattering if I don't comply. And I truly try to comply because I do want to be a nurturing wife. A husband and wife should be able to let their needs be known and a loving wife and husband should try to comply. But if I forget, or don't do what he wants, he reacts so meanly.

I will set boundaries. Again.

I will get stronger within myself.

August 14, 2007
12:30 am
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bevdee
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Pearlseeker

You say - "Well, these don't seem so earthshattering." No, not earth shattering, but very very controlling.

August 14, 2007
1:02 am
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fantas
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Pearlseeker,

How long have you been married to this man and has it always been like this? I have to admit that every time I see the term "nurturing wife" I get very nervous. Many of the women who use it wait hand and foot on their husbands who barely notice it. Sounds like yours is one of these husbands. Ecologically speaking, it's impossible to nurture any species in less than ideal conditions. You may get malnourished, mutated, stunted, or dead imitations of what the end product was supposed to be.

The only way you can trully nurture your husband is to make sure you are not caretaking, help him understand that you too do run out of steam and like him, you need to be recharged by him. Especially, let him get the concept that you are not his personal assistant. I am sure there is a good side to him but it sounds like you cannot enjoy this side of him because he is too busy bossing you around. And does he realize what a gift you are to him or
he just assume that you will always be there at his beck and call?

How do you think he'd react if he woke up one morning and you told him that your days of waiting on him hand and foot were over and he will have to share in the chore 50/50?. If he didn't do dishes, he wont have clean ones to eat. If he doesn't put his peppers on his plate, he doesn't eat them? And if you actually stuck to this decision? I bet it would he a whole lot different in the house.

August 14, 2007
1:40 pm
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Zinnie
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I have to disagree, these all seem pretty earth-shattering to a huge degree. Putting his jalapenos on the table with every meal? I mean, I admit, freely, that I will "wait on my husband" when I'm home. I do this for two reasons, but, first and foremost - I WANT TO. Secondly, I'm not always home. When I say that, I mean I can be traveling with work literally for 12 to 18 months at a time.

But, sweetie last I checked - if he wants his jalapenos on the table, perhaps he should get them while you are working to prepare his meals. If he makes a big deal of it, think of what spilling that jar of jalapenos over his head would do? Burn the hell out of his eyes I'm sure to where he would remember to get them himself.

Z.

August 21, 2007
1:42 pm
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pearlseeker
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Zinnie, I really don't mind putting his peppers on the table at each meal. In fact, I had mentioned nurturing in a previous note here. I believe that a husband and wife should nurture each other. If my husband likes something...and I don't mind doing it...then I should do it. No problem. Nurturing to me is caring for someone.

BUT my problem is that it should be a two way street. He should nurture me, too. And he does not. BUT that is not even the biggest problem. The BIGGEST problem is that when I forget to put the peppers on the table, or forget to warm his plate, he gets really angry. See, instead of being happy that I do things for him, he has grown to expect it. And demand it.

All of your imput has put everything in perspective for me. Thank you for that. Sometimes we all need a little support.

Many of you have offered suggestions. And I will put them to good use. I also highly recommend the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. It needs to be owned so that you can refer to it whenever you need help.

August 21, 2007
4:29 pm
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nappy
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"The BIGGEST problem is that when I forget to put the peppers on the table, or forget to warm his plate, he gets really angry."

This statement made me laugh because this wouldn't be a problem unless, this husband is sitting on a chair and he does not have any legs, or hands or arms.

How can someone be demanding of someone else.? I don't understand unless that person allow it to happen to them.
nappy

August 22, 2007
4:40 pm
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pearlseeker
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His Mom was raised in the old school that when the husband walks in the door, he should be treated like a king because he has worked hard all day to provide for his family.
She never worked outside the home.

I worked outside the home for 20 years, after raising 3 kids. I am 59, and have not had to work for 5 years. My kids are grown. We have
been married 33 years.

So, he has learned a lot of his attitude from his Mom. She is deceased now. I also grew up in the 50's (Ozzie & Harriett time).

So, yes, I have unwittingly let this get out of control. I am learning and trying to change this. But again, it is not the expectations that upset me. It is his reaction when things don't go his way. I need to work on getting through to this man. But the Verbally Abusive Relationship book by Evans says it is almost impossible to get through. He is on a different page than me. So I am learning how to handle this situation.

When I let my guard down, as I explained in my first post here, or when I get weak, then I lose control of the situation. And I doubt myself. That is how all of you helped. You brought me back to the reality I live in.

My first husband was easy going. Easy going is so so much better! Life is hard enough without someone bullying you!

Thanks, again!

August 22, 2007
7:13 pm
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_anonymous
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I dont think in life one needs to keep a score card. When one does something for someone it should be with pure intentions. When one does not want to do something for someone one should feel perfectly comfortable not doing so. If one fears if one doesnt do something for another than that is abuse. If one is being abused they have no choice but to get out of the situation. This is not about peppers on the table and warm plates this is about being ruled by fear.

August 22, 2007
7:37 pm
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bonni
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dear pearlseeker,
you know what you need to do. you do not deserve this horrible treatment. i think you want him to change and he won't. he won't. he is as he is. unreasonable, rude and manipulative. he isn't going to change because you want him too. you deserve a better way of living your life.

this 50s myth is a load of crap, if you ask me. my parents and my mom's parents were partners and worked together to do stuff. on my dad's side, they didn't live together. maybe there were some households where the wife waited on her husband hand and foot, but i'm pretty sure that she did it out of boredom or gratitude or martyrdom or love, not fear of reprisal.

I know you will come to a healthy understanding of your situation and a good resolution, in your own time. I just want to remind you that you can rationalize his behavior as long as you like, but it won't make you have control over it. In the end, the one you control is you. take good care of you.

bonni

August 25, 2007
6:58 pm
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Zinnie
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Someone told me once that they grew up with June Cleaver as their mother and hence why they allowed their husband to walk all over them.

I guess I was lucky - my Mom was June with a cleaver. The lesson she imparted to us was "take care of yourselves first" which is what my sister and I have both done; and has led my brothers to be decent husbands to their wives.

Marriage is to be a partnership - sure, I "wait" on my husband, but, it is reciprocated all the time. I also agree 100% with what Destinystar says in that there should not be a score card kept.

So I guess the question now is: what are you going to do to ensure that you are no longer treated like this?

Z.

August 25, 2007
10:47 pm
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alwayssomething
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Hi Pearlseeker,

I made my first post today. I have dealt with an angry man for 22 years. If I put a salad fork on the table instead of a standard fork he goes into a rage. He has always been like this per his family and ex-wife.

I wish I could give you some positive suggestions...I cannot. I will tell you that I am going to be 68 and feel sad.

I have been doing a lot of reading and it seems that the majority of experts recommend therapy, if your husband could recognize he has a problem this may make both of you enjoy life more each day.

It is a bitch to live with someone you has anger issues. I tried and hide this from most people. I have read and read that when these people get angry you should not join them but just walk away.

Good luck to you. I wish I would of left him 22 years ago as he will not seek help.

Alwayssomething

August 26, 2007
1:06 am
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soofoo
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Pearl and always,

If I saw someone fly into a rage over an unwarmed plate or a salad fork I might laugh at him. It's that ridiculous to me.

I'm sorry that both of you are going through this. You are definitely not in the wrong here pearl.

In my experience, men aren't that good at nurturing. Not to say they can't, but it takes some work and doesn't come naturally. Naturally they are better at providing and protecting. So they really have to want to nurture to be nurturing. That would be unlikely for a man who doesn't care to control his temper for his wife.

My suggestion is that you simply don't put up with it. Say "Get your own fork." I might add "and stick it in your eye" but I'm not in love. 😉 Try to unspoil them out of love. If he leans on the horn, let him go without you, and thoroughly enjoy the precious moments away from him. Don't get up and run around trying to please him during his rages. Just sit there and observe him. You may be tempted to laugh.

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