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Who is right.?..be honest, please!
August 12, 2007
12:09 am
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pearlseeker
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I haven't been on here for awhile. I have read some of the threads and they remind me of how great all of you are!

I would like some real HONEST opinions. Because I am truly confused and beginning to think I am a very selfish person. If I am being selfish, then I need to be woke up to the fact so I can work on it!! No one is perfect...

Here goes....today my husband wanted to go somewhere, so I said "Ok, I need a few minutes to get ready." I got up from the couch and started getting ready(wash face, comb hair, change clothes, ect.). After 5 min., I heard him go outside. I hurried. After another 5 minutes, I heard him honking his horn out in the driveway...I wasn't quite ready. So I hurried even more. He kept laying on the horn really loud and long. 5 minutes later I was ready (had to shut all the windows, and shut off the fans.
Well, when I walked outside, he was gone! He left. Then he drove back in, parked the truck, got out and said with his middle finger up in the air said, "F... you! I don't want to go now. You have a lot of nerve making me wait 15 minutes. I don't wait for ANYBODY!"
I was really shocked and upset. I just stood there and said, "What is wrong with you? I told you I had to get ready! I just now got ready!"
He went in the house. One min. later he comes out and says, "God dammit, let's go."
The whole time in the truck, he then lectured me about how he will never wait for me again...like who am I to make HIM wait. He is angry and goes on and on yelling about how rude I am.
Well I have been depressed all day. He does this a lot. So I brought it up tonite and told him that I don't feel like he loves me because when you love someone, you don't treat them that way. I told him I would NEVER talk to him that way. I told him about how depressed it made me.
He waited a minute, then countered with," You know, I don't think YOU love ME because if you loved me, you wouldn't make me wait. Itmakes me mad to wait, so you would have gotten ready sooner and not made me wait.

OK...so who is right? Are we both right? Are we both wrong? Be "brutally honest" because his replay to me really was like cold water in the face. I need an unbiased opinion...I need the truth. THANK YOU!

August 12, 2007
12:26 am
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Anonymous
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Pearl, Ive seen this movie with my xh who is imo a control freak, besides obssessive and compusive. No one has a right ot get out of control and callnames, yell, basically throw a child tantrum.

Think hard how much you can take of this before you totally lose your mind. I didnt think it could happen to me but it did. After 14 years of marriage, I was depressed and didnt know who I was after giving in so much.

Please read between my lines, I could write a novel.

Hugs,

August 12, 2007
12:33 am
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fantas
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Pearlseeker,
No I do not think you were being selfish. In fact, I fee like your husband was being quite unreasonable. Almost sounds like he wanted to pick a fight to me. Since it was a last minute decision to go somewhere, I think he could have been more patient. His reaction to the whole thing was demeaning and abusive in my opinion. You did tell him you needed to get ready, there wasn't a set time, and it didn't sound like it was an emergency situation so he didn't have to act so hostile and impatient.

I do think that you should have just told him that his behavior was hurtful and abusive to you without bringing up the love issue. That's a different conversation. I do not think that his reponse was right but given that he perceives being kept waiting as disrespectful, he too could have attached it to love.

It sounds like there is a whole lot more going on your relationship that is triggering you both to get angry with one another. His reaction to he whole incident makes me think that he must be feeling angry and frustrated about other things. It might be good to bring this up when he seems happy. This is my 2 cents.

August 12, 2007
12:33 am
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pearlseeker
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Well, it sounds like you think he is wrong.
But am I being passive-agressive by not hurrying faster? I probably could
have hurried faster and been ready maybe 5 min. earlier? By passive-aggressive, I mean maybe I was taking too much time because I was more concerned with my having time to get ready than being concerned with him waiting.

August 12, 2007
12:40 am
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fantas
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Either way, his reaction was disrespectful and abusive in my opinion. Only you know whether you were being passive-agressive which means that you too must have some unresolved issues with him.

You said he was upset with you after 5 minutes, so being ready 5 minutes faster would have still put you at 10 minutes which was too much time for him to wait.

Honestly, I do not think his upset had anything to do with you being late. There is more to it.

August 12, 2007
12:40 am
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pearlseeker
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Fantas...I just read your first reply. He has always been impatient. Many times I have had to walk out the door without make up, etc. because I knew he did not want to wait. And, yes, that does make me angry inside.
You are right...I should not have brought up "love". It is another subject. But I was down and not so wise...and it does weigh on my mind when he treats me that way.
Thank you for your insight!!

August 12, 2007
12:47 am
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pearlseeker
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He always says I make him angry...it is my fault. he says If I would just do what he says, then he would not get angry

August 12, 2007
12:57 am
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fantas
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It has to be difficult living like that. Noone can make another do anything. He makes his own decision and he chooses to be disrespectful. My grandpa would willingly offer my grandma money, then fold it into a really tiny piece and try to give to her over the coal fire. If my she dropped it, he would beat her to a pulp, if she said she couldn't get it over the fire, she'd get beaten. He'd literally create scenarios so he could blame her for havin beaten her.

For some reason abusers know how to create these scenarios that will cause their victims to feel guilty for the abuse they mete out to them. My grandma always walked on egg shells because she never knew when he'd start to beat on her. Although your husband isn't physically abusive, it sounds to me like he is the same way with his verbal and emotional abuse.

What do you think would happen if you let him know you will no longer allow him to talk to you this way?

August 12, 2007
1:32 am
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lostnluv2
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I dont believe you are being selfish in any way. I completly understand what your going through my husband does it to me. You shouldn't have to do everything to make him happy especially if you know what your needs are. I believe that love is a different subject here also and he may have other problems causing his anger. One question to ask yourself is If I do everything he tells me am I making myself happy in return, if not then it seems to me he's just trying to control you and believe me you don't want that to happen. Don't think your being selfish you deserve to have your know wants, needs, and feelings. When you told him your feelings in my opinion he had to respond to it by trying to make you at fault for HIS behavior. Just be careful and take care of you and your feelings.

August 12, 2007
2:17 am
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Anonymous
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Oh, Pearlseeker...this just makes me MAD and SAD. It most definitely IS abuse. I just want to cry hearing you say you "could've hurried faster." Reminds me of how my ex used to say I had three minutes to say what I needed to say before he hung up and interrupted me to say "TWO MINUTES" "ONE MINUTE" and then say "Now don't forget to leave time to say 'pleasant dreams'."

Bastards.

15 minutes to get ready when you were just sitting on the couch not planning on going newhere in the 1st place is NOT "too much time." In fact, to me it seems pretty quick! I know when I'm camped out on the couch I'm usually in sweats, my hair needs combing, and my face needs at least a bit of attention.

And the cursing, yelling, finger gestures, and lecturing -- all abuse. The turning it around and claiming u don't love him -- also abuse.

There's a book by Patricia Evans, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," that I recently bought that defines abuse. I know when I started reading it I was surprised that yelling and cursing qualified. I thought most men did that to some degree in private. I haven't gotten to the "what to do about it" part yet, so I can't comment about that end. I would strongly suggest you check this book out, but don't let him see it.

I feel for you, hon. I've been there and have only been out of it for a month, so the way I was treated is still very fresh in my mind. My heart is with you, and I'll be watching out for your replies here.

Big hugs to you -- you ARE a loving person, the very fact that you wouldn't treat him that way is evidence of that.

NE

August 12, 2007
7:29 am
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sad sack
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Hi Pearlseeker,

His behavior towards you was completely unacceptable. I had to reread your post to see if this was your husband acting this way. How could someone who supposedly loves you, give you the finger and utter the "F" word to you? This is love????

And then he had the nerve to turn it around and make it your fault for him acting the deplorable way that he did. "...if you loved me you would not keep me waiting..."

Oh my goodness. I personally do not like to be kept waiting either. However, in your case, it doesn't seem that he gave you an appropriate amount of time to get ready. And like someone else said, he was annoyed after five minutes, so it wasn't the length of time that was a factor here. He was totally out of line here. Next time (if you allow there to be a next time), ask him if you have time to get ready. If the answer is "no" then tell him to go without you.

I agree with the others who define his behavior as abusive. You deserve better than this.

I wish you the best.

Sad

August 12, 2007
8:56 am
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wasabi
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I've been there done that!
I have no idea how long you have been with this man or if there are kids, but it never get's much better!
My husband used to do that crap & still does now & then!
THE DIFFERENCE NOW IS!
I have learned to DETACH!
He did this yesterday in fact!
Let's go now!!!!!!
I was in the middle of stuff that I could not just drop!
Like you needed 15 or 20 min. to get together & Shut lights & fans off windows whatever!That is fair!
So this is what I have done OK!
I say I need 10 -20 min.s 5 whatever!
an hour!Deepending on what I'm into!
Before I can go with you, if you can not give me this time frame well have a nice time see ya!
We have had that F&&^% fight also!
If he is going to rant & rave! I'd rather stay home or go somewhere alone or with a friend!
I know it is so hard to pretend he isn't getting to you! But when I/YOU stop reacting to his childish tantroms he chills out! There is no reward & no responds to this action then they chill out ........
If your going to stay with this abusive man & control & cusing you out & making you feel bad over stupid little stuff is absive too!
You need to learn how to detach!
My husband can make me wait for hours & days or weeks & years for him ! But when he wants something is NOW DO IT NOW ! I finaly learn to say if you can not be kind & give me a min. then go on or get some one else to do it for you!
Your are far from selfish!
This is a game & you need to change the rules.... he will not know what hit him!
Good luck it's real hard to detach when you care!
Practice your pocker face!
WASABI

August 12, 2007
10:30 am
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luvnlife
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Two words for you- Verbal Abuse. Your husband is verbally and emotionally abusive and he has an anger problem. I'm sure he has done this alot becuase I know his type-I was with someone just like him about 5 years ago and our relationship didn't last a good 8 months. Our situation went something like this: I would be going along with my day, business as usual and out of the blue I did something "wrong." Say for instance -something frivolous like I forgot to buy his favorite shampoo when out shopping. He could turn that into the worst catastrophe ever. One minute I'm grocery shopping then the next minute I'm the most inconsiderate, selfish, and negligent girl friend known to man. He would get so angry over the most stupid things and blame them on me. I got the lectures, the speeches, and the grudges and next thing you know I'm walking on egg shells.
Pearlseeker-this is BULL&*%! Let's be rational about this. If I ask you to go somewhere with me and you're lounging on the couch, I SHOULD expect you to take at least a good 15 minutes to get ready. For me to blow up over something as normal as that means that I cannot cope with just the fundamentals of life. Out of all the things that can go wrong in the world-you cheat on your husband, the house catches on fire, someone has a serious car wreck, etc. Not to mention things like terrorist. There are so many things to legitmately go ballistic about, waiting 15 minutes for your wife to get ready after you invite her out some where is no where close. Notice these red flags, open your eyes to whats really going on and close your ears to his irrational abuse. Beleive me, the longer you subject yourself to this, the more brainwashed you'll become. I can see it's taking its effect on you right now becuase you should be able to clearly see how ridiculous it is. But instead you're doubting wether or not he's the culprit. He is. take it from someone who's been there.

August 12, 2007
11:05 am
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bonni
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while I agree that your husband's behavior is out of line, I have to say that I think a "few minutes" to get ready is about five minutes. 15 minutes is a long time (three times my conception of a few minutes) when you are waiting on someone.

Why couldn't he close the windows and cut off the fans and all of that while you got yourself ready? It would have cut the wait time to nearly nothing. why was he ready to step out the door and you weren't? I mean, does he care alot less about his appearance than you do? or alot more?

since i have kids, i've resigned myself to having to always be pretty much dressed and ready to receive company and go places at a moment's notice.

so, i would think that in a healthy relationship, you might have said, I need 15 minutes and let him make the decision to go without you if that was too long. again, why couldn't he prepare the house to be empty?

So, you did not give him a fair estimate of your time to get ready. He overreacted unacceptably badly. Your error is just a communication accident. His is a character issue. Its not a right or wrong thing at this point, its a question about how you are going to structure your life and how you are going to let him impact you. Is this really the way you want your life to be?

bonni

August 12, 2007
11:32 am
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luvnlife
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Everybody is different. Even in relationships we all have our quirks and pet peaves. Thats considered normal and a part of one of the several phases of a marraige/long term relationship. However verbal abuse and rage is not. Whatever the irritant may be with our husband/wife; they leave the cap off the toothpaste or they take 15 minutes to get ready for an outing, we find loving, healthy ways to deal with this and express our discord. Any time you and your spouse have dealt with this and one on you leaves the "discussion" feeling belittled and unloved something either nonproductive, unhealthy or abusive has just taken place. Pearl, alot of the things you may do will be annoying to him and vice versa. But if he can't stand the heat he needs to either turn on the fan or get out of the kitchen.

August 12, 2007
12:21 pm
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sdesigns
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Pearlseeker:

Just reading that made me all nervous and tense.

Husband wanted you to jump, and he wanted it RIGHT NOW!

What would have been wrong with him to plan ahead a bit, tell you he'd like to go somewhere later, what did you need to do, etc.

If he wanted to go right now and you weren't able to go right now, then I would have said by all means GO.

None of the nonsense he was pulling. Like a bratty spoiled little child and he wants it right now or he's going to throw a tantrum.

SD

August 12, 2007
1:06 pm
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Robert123
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He is clearly abusive. The world revolves around him. I hope you find the help you need to face up to him and learn to care about your self more.

August 12, 2007
1:15 pm
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rachaelle
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Poor poor you feeling so confused and losing perspective of who is right. I can really relate to those feelings. He sounds like an utter bully, it must be really difficult living with someone who is so unreasonable and who demands you walk on eggshells. You are a woman and you have every right to take care of yourself and spend time getting ready and fifteen minutes is no time at all. He sounds petulant like a child and as for changing his mind after swearing at you and verbally abusing you he sounds utterly spoilt! You are not being treated in way that is healthy or good for your self esteem. I hope you can resolve this issue, i know how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship. lots of love

August 12, 2007
2:17 pm
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StronginHim77
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This is verbal and emotional abuse. It is also "controlling" behavior on his part. He said "YOU make him angry." That is a classic example of an abuser, refusing to take responsibility for HIS WRONGDOING...his unreasonable and unjustifiable anger. He told you that if you would just "do as he says, he would not get angry." Another classic example of verbal abuse and blaming the "victim" for the wrongdoing of the abuser.

I hope you get that great book by Patricia Evans, THE VERBALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. I read it this past year and it was a real eye-opener and helped strengthen me in my decision to leave an equally abusive husband.

Your husband has control issues. No doubt about it. If you remain with him and don't stand up to this abuse, it will escalate.

- Ma Strong

P.S. Having read this entire thread, nearly 95% of your responses confirm that your husband was clearly abusive in this interaction.

August 12, 2007
10:54 pm
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pearlseeker
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All of your answers were enlightening. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
Yes, I have the Patricia Evans book about abuse, and I was so upset last night that I stayed up till 3 a.m. re-reading parts of it. Yes, the book reminded me again of what verbal abuse is.
I have been married to this man for 33 years...and I dated him for 3. The abuse started 2 weeks after we were married...so I have been struggling with this problem for a long, long time.
I guess yesterday was just a shocker AGAIN for me. Just when I think things are going along OK, BOOM!!!
And, yes, Patricia Evans DOES point that out in her book. I decided to turn to all of you yesterday because I was just beaten down with all of it. And feeling very unloved.

SAD SACK, you seemed to understand why I brought up love...even though it did not exactly apply to the problem. I cannot and never will understand why the person who I love and is SUPPOSED to love me can treat me like I don't count. The feeling of being unloved and mistreated by my man just doesn't make sense to me. The book does explain we are looking at life with different realities...we are on a different page.

Over the years, I have used alcohol...not so much anymore. I am health conscious...and being an alcoholic is not very healthy! I have used self help books. I have learned detachment. But in a weak moment, like yesterday, I just get really depressed. There are some days that I just can't deal with it.

All of your responses made me stronger. Many of you have been there. And are still there. No, I do not want a life like this. But I do not want to leave either. He is not always like this. But I know the day may come when I cannot take anymore...and then I will end the relationship if that day comes.

I am going to reread that great, great book! And apply more of her principles.

This is a God-send web site. It gives strength to those in need. Thank you for giving me your honest opinions...this was a STUPID situation I was in...and for some reason, I felt like I was going crazy and maybe he WAS right. He has a strong personality. He is a good, hardworking man...never cheated on me as far as I know. A good provider.
Most people LOVE him and his friends seek out his companionship. We have 4 grown children. They all love him. They all know he can be mean to me. They tell me to just ignore Dad...that is just the way Dad is.
But I know I need to set boundaries. And keep setting them till he "gets" it.

August 12, 2007
11:18 pm
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pearlseeker
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Bonni...you asked why he was ready and I had to take 15 min. Well, he does all of his grooming early in the a.m. when he first gets up. I was being "lazy" Saturday and hadn't washed my face, etc., yet. I know I could have probably rushed it and gotten ready in 10 min...But after reading all of your comments and after recovering from his outburst, I realize I was not upset because he wanted me to get ready sooner. I was upset because of the way he treated me over it. Like laying on the horn in the drive way...like his yelling and critizing and threats. What the hell!!
Many time he is RIGHT in what he says to me...but when he treats me badly over it, I just hate him. And it takes me awhile to get over this hate.

August 12, 2007
11:22 pm
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lalasgirl
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i'm certainly not anyone to give advice.

sounds to me to be a hidden agenda in there somewhere...whether it be you or him or both. but harmony isn't ruling in this situation.

yelling and cursing is abusive.

HE COULD COUNTER: time waits for no one. life is short be spontaneous, YOU COULD COUNTER: when you fail to plan you plan to fail, i got a million of em.....all cliches all trite.

the answer. he shouldn't have asked if he were not willing to wait for you to get ready. he knows you i'm sure. you shouldn't have said sure i will go unless you were ready to jump in the car right then....for you know him i'm sure. there-in lies a standoff.
the hidden agenda i referred to.

abuse is subliminal sometimes....i still think there is a hidden agenda somewhere. take this moment and talk it out...search it through...get honest with each other. abuse hurt you on this one.....sorry for him being rude...sorry you had to hear all that and feel bad after just wanting to be with him. it saddens me to hear that story.

control is the tactic here...and it is wrong. the button wasn't just pushed it got pushed and held down. take care.

August 12, 2007
11:34 pm
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pearlseeker
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Oh, yes...I have talked to him. I have tried to communicate with him. Many times he gets mad and says he doesn't care how I feel. He really is a bully. I know him very well after all these years. Deep down, I am sure he cares somewhat how I feel. But he is not good at these "talks". Many men do not like to "talk".
A big problem of ours (and many people's)is that we are on different pages. He sees life one way...I see it another. The book The Verbally Abusive Relationsip by Patricia Evans explains it very well. I wish I had read it 30 years ago.

August 13, 2007
5:50 am
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wannabe
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hi,
you are both wrong, you are both right.

I hate waiting expacially with no communication.

you know what your hubby hates, try and avoid it, like you dais there are times you ahve had to carry your make up to the car, try communicating say like "honey I was unprepared and may take like 15minutes getting ready, will that be okay with you?

or
"please help me iron this blouse as I brush my hair so we do faster,.."

He over reacted to, when things ahve cooled down, tell him he can express his anger in a polite and better manner other than shouting and hooting.

all the best.

August 13, 2007
7:08 am
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lalasgirl
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the reason i felt bad for you is i too have experienced the same thing. the abuser feels he is right and you are wrong. he wants a completely submissive wife you want a life. (i always hear silent and sovreign wife) he wants you to do as he says and you want to try to do that but you always fall short. he wants you to adore him while he adores others. he wants to call all the shots and if you fall short he wants to rub it in. he will make up things to make you look bad to himself and others and you are fighting a losing battle. they will lie to protect their deceptions and your instinct always tells you different and you know you are being made a fool of. he will blame you for every problem that comes down the pike.

he will keep you on your toes while you are trying to balance walking on the eggshells.

he will go out of his way to start problems when he has another agenda...make it look like your fault even when you tried to please him. it is frustrating and cruel....

shut up and put up is his mantra. do as i say not as i do. you are my slave i am your master. speak only when spoken to. i am tarzan you are jane. i know this man. he is my husband too.

i hope you get some peace. i too am trying to break out of an abusers spell. he took his charming mask off as soon as we married. i see him now for his true ways and he isn't the man i married. so i do understand you ...heck.....everybody in here understands. make your decisions, figure out who you are and be her. no more show-downs about waiting or not waiting....time for you to get courage (just like me LOL) and cut your own path. it is so hard to do but i just know with counseling, information, books like the one you stated and a helping hand of this thread you will get better. i am slowly turning the corner. you can too. take care to not fall in the traps and holes and walk on the ground not on the shells. and remember it is NOT your fault. (we are accountable for our own actions and you can do nothing to change him for he is accountable for his own actions.)

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