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who are you people
July 16, 2006
7:43 am
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lonelywoman
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emph - I'm glad you found this site, you are getting lots of support, encouragement and good works....I was re-reading the posts this morning and see on my post - I made a typo - I said stay away - visit/listen/share - I meant to say - STAY AWHILE - I'm sorry for the typo - I'm glad you are still here. You sound pretty scared and mistrustful - but, I'd like to share something I see....you are here! and you are coming back and reading responses. It is a baby step, but it is a step! Somethimes that's all we can do - one baby step at at time. Sending love and ((hugs)) to you this morning.

LW

July 16, 2006
8:56 am
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startingover
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Emphcfr

I am checking back on you.

I think the people here are genuinely nice. I have never been hurt here, and I've been here since January.

We have all run into, been attracted to (like magnets I think sometimes), whatever and however have been used and abused by parents, husbands, wives, children, friends, and strangers, too.

No one here is perfect, but we're basically nice people, as most people are...do you believe that - that most people are basically good? I believe it.

The people here are especially good people, because this is not a self-serving take-it-all place...we give and receive here the companionship, advice, and the feeling of belonging somewhere human.

I am sorry you are in such pain.

SO

July 16, 2006
9:58 am
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lovinglife
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emp~ Have you heard the saying...

"A person will lead themselves to their greatest fears?"

If you believe (have fear) that you should not trust 'this community' for whatever your reasons, what do you think is going to happen? Either you leave never knowing or maybe you'll cautiously open up some, people will respond, and instead of reading what others are replying in way of support-encouragement you’ll read it in defensive way expecting that they should not be trusted, don't you think? Sounds logical to me.
You seem to be a very deep thinker- does that sound in the ball park?

I felt similar to what you’ll feeling before I decided to share my story- I thought (only for a moment though-get to that in a minute) that what if my story, what if my pain gets rejected, what if no one cares about me….what if no one responds…what if I sound crazy…what if I sound stupid… then what? (Oh and by the way, I also thought… “just who are these people?”…and “can I be apart of them too?!”). I (only for a moment though) thought I couldn’t take that risk of once more being rejected, once more told that I didn’t know anything, once more told that I have problems and needed help. However I only let those thoughts last for a moment as I WAS IN pain and what I had inside me needed to get out. I had to take the risk. And before I made my first post, I read the threads-and read people pouring out their support to others and thought-"I’m going with it, I have to." Heck the 1st day I found my way here I didn’t even know what my story was as I was so confused about my life.

And all I can say is that today, I am so glad that I took that chance.

A suggestion to get you started…start a thread on why people don’t trust others- you never know, it just might spark a lot of in depth conversing back and forth, and in the process maybe you’ll find some answers, maybe you’ll learn a little bit about yourself.

“This community” seems to me to be about growth within ourselves and it’s a wonderful, safe place to start the process. There’s resources passed along to each other, there’s support, there is encouragement. It’s all a process emp, and if you're looking for a change, looking for answers, its gotta start somewhere- why not here? No one can see you, no one knows you, heck I don’t know how many times in the last month I’ve been sobbing (in a good way) on my side of the computer-because someone said what I needed to hear or someone passed along a beautiful piece of wisdom.

and with that- Have a wonderful day!! Hope to see you around on the threads- I think that you have alot to offer here (your a deep, deep thinker!)

July 16, 2006
1:33 pm
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lightchaser
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Emphcfr:
Just checking back to see how you are today. Don't worry, you did not offend me in the least by your post. I understand the feeling of " I can't take one more thing in my life" and being afraid.

I liked what you said about " I may know you,You may have hurt me, I may have hurt you, but despite our past actions . . . we are here to heal and offer support"

It's true, we think of the people who hurt us as the enemy and we HATE them. I am coming to learn that the people who have hurt me are just people going through their own "Stuff". I have compassion for them and their plight so I no longer hate anyone.

I hope you are okay today.

July 16, 2006
5:08 pm
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turnabout
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lovinglife,

"A person will lead themselves to their greatest fears?"

I've also heard that called a "self-fulfilling prophecy." A counselor once used that term to express his concern that I would end up failing out of college b/c I would repeat the negative expectations and fears my parents kept expressing (and the reason they brought me to the counselor) and through reinforcing that expectation for myself when they weren't around, would eventually make it a reality. And you know what? He was right. I did repeat all the fear and negativity to myself even after they stopped and nearly did flunk out of college. Only my stubborness and my resolve to heal myself of whatever kept holding me back eventually got me through.

emph,

I'm curious about why you're so concerned those particular people may be here. They MAY be here. It's an anonymous, public site, so you can't be sure, it's true, but is there any particular reason to think they'd be here? I don't understand where this fear comes from. Is it fear based on probability -- based upon things you know about them and their personal interests or internet habits --, or is it a fear based on... well, nothing but more fear?

It certainly is a risk opening up to people. I'll acknowledge that it can be an immense risk, especially if your previous attempts have backfired on you. There is a need to take that risk in order to form connections, but you'll have to take it at your pace. How much are you willing to risk sharing right now? I can see you are reaching out for support, wanting the confidence that you can share and it will all be okay. I don't know what will happen... what kind of reaction you'll get, but I know there are people here who WANT to be supportive. I know that b/c I've seen them do it.

It looks like you have an inner battle going on where your need to share is fighting your need for self-preservation. I don't blame you for being scared. It can be one of the scariest things in the world. You don't need to put yourself out here more than you feel comfortable doing. Take care of yourself in the ways you know are necessary ~ share what you can, save the rest for later.

July 16, 2006
5:36 pm
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lovinglife
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"fighting your need for self-preservation..." Where have I heard this before?? think LL...think... was it an ethics class, philosophy class.. think I found it in my mountains of journals…

“I can relate to the Legend of Lau-Tzu as I have lived a period in my life in great turmoil. And through my experience of that I lived, I needed to find my own form of self-preservation, which in the end I did. For 11 yrs I lived a nightmare of constant chaos. During this time of chaos I became very spiritual, very sensitive to things around me… had to find meaning to my life and the lives being affected. As I first read about his legend, I thought I bet he knew all along something wasn’t right but he didn’t have the control or the choice, just life myself, to change things. Eventually he had to leave his environment of emotional turmoil (for reasons of emotional sanity) and took what he experienced with him and wrote down his thoughts that eventually became ‘the book’.

Now why I felt the need to share that- I don’t know. Can't question anything I've been doing lately while I'm on this road- in 'this community.'

But what’s up emp- you found your way here- you're reaching out, and I really like reading your deep thoughts. Those deep thoughts don't just come from your average person- I say that because I just found out via the No Contact Club that "I'm not your average woman!" You'd have to be there to understand where that just came from!

Speak to us emp- speak!

July 17, 2006
12:24 am
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emphcfr
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lovinglife, i'm laughing that you find joy in my words and wondering if you are a lesbian. don't be offended.

i wish that i could just spit out the what i really think. although i say that i speak in raw terms, it's not true, there is a filter going on. and this filter is distrusting of everyone. and to tell you the truth, i was so overpowered to get whatever is inside of me out, that the first day that i enrolled onto this site i wrote a thread. and i got two responses back. and yes i was offended, i was like, 'can i get some more please'. emotionally i was like, what are people writing that is getting so much attention, let me take a look. rationally i knew that it had nothing to do with who likes who, who is cool, but emotionally i coudnt understand this. and that's why i'm here. to catch my emotions up to a rational way of thinking. i think it's possible. thank you for your compliment. i've been told that i process words too much. self-fulling prophecy, i've heard of it...and that's why i'm going to start thinking of myself as whole, wonderful, full of joy and justice. i can do this?

turnabout, i'm thinking that these people are on the site for a couple of reasons, if i might try to observe my thinking form an objective point of view, 1) i want to face them. i want to get my justice and stand up to them. beat the bastards. in words and in actions, i want to show them that who i was, i am no longer, and to fuck off. pleasantly of course. cause i do believe that the best way to hurt someone is to be nice. ironic isn't it. 2) i think that they are on this site out of fear. fear that i'm still that person, and once again i'll be silenced. fear that they will talk about me. say how silly it is that i'm trying to 'get better'. and disagreeing with what i have to say. i have fear that i will be shut down before i even get started. 3) i think they are on this site because why not. it's anonymous. it's a possibility.

the mind is wonderful, seemingly devious. why would i imagine something this terrifying for myself. but that's the answer. i imagine it so that i can i fight it and gain victory. it's a personal test. i believe that we create our lives, and whatever we want, whatever we want to conquer, we'll keep testing ourselves until we get it. and then we move on to lesson number two.

you don't understand how much i want to think rationally about trust. it's a risk. but what the hell do i know about taking risks and which ones to take and what to consider. ehhhhh!! it's like this guy that i like who is bi-sexual. it scares the hell out of me. and i'm thinking oh no, this is already an unhealthy relationship, and we havne't even reached friendship yet. unbelievable. i don't trust him. i think every guy is his boyfriend. honestly i do. it's both hilarious and sad and it sends me flying. i know that i'm co-dependent, so it's probable that he is too, since he as well is liking me. i don't know, that's another thread.

glitter, no i don't see a therapist. don't trust them. i went to a counselor...but she seemed to be a talker. i've seen three counselors, all not for very long. and the last one also seemed to be more interested in the advice rather than the listening. i guess it was ok. i counseled her a bit. that was strengthening for me. and middle one, was actuall a social worker, i liked her. she didn't talk as much as the others.

i do. i do trust you all. i also think that there is evil around every corner. you know, like the devil is waiting to conquer and pounch on you.

but since reading your threads, 1) i'm feel that i want to say all my thoughts as raw as they come, and i know that if i offend someone, i'll be questioned on my words, and otherwise i'm excepted. no harm. and if someone does harm me, offends me...i can put out another thread after having contacted the site coordinator. this thread would talk abouthow i feel and what it brought up in me.

loverbee...you're right. why do i focus on the negative instead of what's good. so right. the story of my life. always focusing on what's bad and not what's good.

July 17, 2006
12:43 am
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Anonymous
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EM

Something really awful happened to me last year. Then, something happened over a long period of time to make it worse. I can relate when you say there is evil around every corner. I cannot take anymore harm either.

I lost trust and faith in people.

I finally am at a place where good people seem really good. I never thought I would feel even that.

I made a vow to stop an notice other people who lost trust and faith or who felt despair or like no one understood. You are afraid to share your story. That is fair enough.

You don't have to say you trust us. You say whatever you are ready to say. When you have seen hell, no one can completely understand your distrust. All I am saying to you, is I am here to stop and notice you, and I accept where you are today.

Peace and Love, especially inner peace

July 17, 2006
1:17 am
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tinkrbell
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em

As you can tell by all the responses we are all people who just need understanding and compassion. The world we live in can be so cruel and to have a total stranger truely care about your feelings is a wonderful thing. I have been on this site for over a year sharing my pain and sharing in others pain. Don't be afraid to say what you need to. This site has given me such comfort and I truely appreciate all the advice I have gotten from everyone. Stay here with us and share you thoughts and pain. Trust me, it helps.

Sending you many many hugs and wishes that you feel better,

***tink***

July 17, 2006
5:11 am
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Sophie3012
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I stumbled across this website and pop in time to time, it is a comfort to know that people here understand and no what it is like to go through emotional pain.

July 17, 2006
11:08 am
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lovinglife
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Emp~ just now started reading your post-glad I've made ya laugh a little but have to replay before I go on---and now you got me laughing...

"NO I am not a lesbian-infact quite the opposite- I LOVE MEN- CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF MEN!! Infact I love men so much that when I'm out there loving men, I lose part of myself and when I lose that part, I then attempt to go back and get it- and when I attempt to back and retrieve it- I then become crazy-- Still loving them though! Its why I'm over there on the No Contact thread. Anyways back to your deep, deep thinking....

July 17, 2006
11:46 am
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emphcfr
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lovinglife, i love you. and no i'm not a lesbian either. i'm glad that you liked what i said and that i didnt offend you.

so let's get on to your losing yourself over men...if you wanna share...what's new? maybe i'll see you on the no contact thread....i'll think i'll go there next?

hugs and kisses to all.

thanks for the love, i'm listening to common right now...it's a good feeling to be reading loving responses and listening to loving music.

ummmmmm, so delicious.

July 17, 2006
12:36 pm
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lovinglife
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Emp~

and that desire to tell someone to "f*ck-off, go to hell you son of a b*tch- I'm reclaiming what’s mine....*sshole"....that’s exactly what I've been doing over on the thread I found at this point as my home (and just to add- don't think I've swore so much in my life- think you said somewhere the exact thing I said somewhere on these thread- "sorry but it gives ME the oomph I need to make it real..."). Anyway- it feels so good even if it isn't directly to them. And in the process I'm learning about myself (why did I need to tell them that in the 1st place?). They may never hear our words but tell ya its empowering getting it all out.

And yes it is true, many of us have a filter- why we're screwed up in the head in the first place- we don't (in my case as well as others-didn't) take care of ourselves. We didn't speak up when we needed to (now perhaps that’s where all the cussing is coming from-I’m finally angry and not playing the victim role anymore...hmmmmm do need to get past the anger...its coming...).

and Emp, once again, you've got it right on...."that's why i'm going to start thinking of myself as whole, wonderful, full of joy and justice. i can do this?" Yes you can- you can not afford not to. Do you want whatever is going on in your life, your head to stop? Got to start somewhere and the best place is to start thinking of yourself as the person you know you are- not what other people, not what society says you are.

And oh just to throw in here...thinking about things that have been also said to me most of my life..."you think too much, your odd... you this-your that..." But guess what- you know who also heard things like this and perhaps lived in depression just like myself because of others words and not feeling accepted?? Throughout history some of our most gifted writers, musicians, philosopher’s even actors, etc...WERE NOT your average people and didn't fit into main stream society AND many of them were thought to have a mental illness or thought to be odd(??) Well thank you Mozart for being odd- for being 'mentally ill.’

Don't know if this helps...but I can relate to the fear factor thing about 'them' being able to use what I'm doing here against me for more words of abuse...BUT that has now passed...some. I want to think in my mind that the man or really MEN that got me here are on this site- are hearing me reclaim what they took from me, that they are here seeing me grow-seeing me get healthy. And each day I'm here, each day I pour myself out THEY become more distance from my mind, the 'fear' of them becomes less and less. Each day I continue to get a bit stronger, and get a little more wiser. Can’t sure with 100% of my being that that fear is gone- but its going and I’m only on day 20 of ‘this’ journey.

Oh and yes the counselor thing- it has taking me MANY to find a good one-so thankful for the one I eventually found. And he too has even said to me..."hmmmm, now that’s a thought...never looked at it from that stand point..." But yes, many of the so-called "counselors" have issues themselves and aren't a bit of helped. I had one who talked about nothing but about herself- another one who put just that much more crap into my head. However- there are some really, really good ones out there that do have the knowledge, skill that can help us move our mountains. Don’t give up on that thought entirely. In fact there are some of us in here in ‘this community' that have had a 'successful encounter’ and share what they learned (pass it on) to others. And by the way if ya haven't gathered yet, none of us are 'professionals' but just a bunch of "Not Your Average People" helping, supporting, encouraging others to start writing their own beautiful piece of music while we write our own.

and as far as trust- trust as much as you can allow yourself to. And you are right emp- "that there is evil around every corner…you know, like the devil is waiting to conquer and pounch on you." I can't say that the 'devil' wont find themselves in here but the stronger one gets- we can see when its coming from the 'devil' out to destroy or when its just someone saying something that we don't want to hear but perhaps need to. I haven't yet experienced either of those two things in here, yet but I'm prepared in my mind to either get out my shot gun and shovel (just a No Contact thing of saying-"Go to Hell") or prepared to take to heart something I may need to hear (though at this time I am still a little to fragile if it came across as too overwhelming but not too fragile to get out the ole shot gun. And we NEED to face that demon whether it comes from in here or out in our daily lives, because it is a reality of life.

And our goal is not to offend anyone but to be there to offer support, encouragement, and a listening ear. If we desire in our hearts to 'offend' someone- then that’s an issue we would need to work on!! And I would think that if someone was like that "out to offend"... "out to destroy" there are some of us a little healthy than others that would take them down in a heartbeat.

And yes, yes, yes, replace those negative thoughts with positive. Where has our negative thinking got us? No where but stuck in our own little crazy worlds.

Now I just KNEW you would do this to me emp!! Goodness, gracious- YOU ARE A DEEP THINKER! And here I started out my day thinking I’d be tackling why I have no sense of self. Just another great day in the neighborhood (stole that saying from Ali- and Ali if your reading this- I MISS YOU!)

July 17, 2006
12:43 pm
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loverbee
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EM--I find it so funny that everyone keeps abreviatin your name to EM because that is what everyone calls me as a nick name(em,emmers, emy) etc...ANyway, I learned something that may help. There is something called Musterbation. It means that when you look at things and say "oh I must do that or I have to do that." Instead, you should say things like "i get to do that." It makes your day seem like one big reward.

July 17, 2006
1:02 pm
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lovinglife
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I don't know what your core issue is(ya haven't shared that yet!) but if it is that you need to stay away from someone because either they told you to 'go away' and you can't seem too OR if you need to stay away from someone for your own emotional health- check out the No Contact thread- there is alot of wisdom, strength, and mind blowing light bulb moments going on in there.

Now I've been called many things in my life and accused of that much more, but still laughing (and curious) as to why you would have thought that I was a lesbian?! Maybe perhaps because I've come across as someone who has had to deal with pain-shame-major internal turmoil and not being accepted for who they are?? Would love to hear you honest thoughts that got ya thinking that. But dont give me too much to think about (!) got to get back to "why I don't have a sense of self!"

You're awesome~ and I sure hope that you find your home in here or maybe start a home for others.

July 17, 2006
1:10 pm
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lovinglife
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and P&L that was beautiful what you shared.

July 17, 2006
3:52 pm
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need to make a clarification...

emp- I sure hope that you find your home on one of these threads or perhaps start a home for others on one of these threads!!

July 17, 2006
7:03 pm
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Boy it took a long time to read this and i went thru so many emotions as i did, but i am so happy to see that Emp you see we are committed to be understanding. I hope that you continue to know that we are not here to hurt eachother but to help. God bless you.

July 17, 2006
11:36 pm
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I was hurt many years ago, too. And I thought I would never recover. But I did. and you will, too, if you give yourself love and time. You need to love yourself. And I have found that the only person you can REALLY trust is yourself. And I am OK with that. I have even told my adult children that the people they love most may let them down at times. And that they need to be ok with that, and forgive them if they love them. I firmly believe most people are trying to do their best, but because we are all human, sometimes they fail to do their best.
Everyone on this web site seems very caring. I have only been on here about a week. I have not gotten many responses to my thread, but that is OK too, because the responses I got were kind and helpful.
Life can be serious, but if we take it too serious and do not enjoy it, we are missing something. I suffered pain, too,...but I learned to reach out to others. Because deep down, I wanted the pain to go away. And I wanted joy and happiness to take its place. When you reach out to other people (like on this web site), you can trust that 99% of us are really trying to help you. If we goof, please forgive us.

July 18, 2006
8:08 am
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emphcfr
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loverbee, i love that abreviation. i never thought of it. i love the name that i chose more and more as people use it. it makes me feel like i invented gold. wide smile. "I get to do that" i love that saying!!! love it.

lovinglife you wrote:
I don't know what your core issue is(ya haven't shared that yet!) I thought you were a lesbian not because you gave me a loving compliment. it was almost as though i felt you caressing my arm or hugging me as you were saying it. the tone of the words that you use go through the computer. so i thought that you must be a lesbian, you must have an interest in me. (b/c i thought you were a girl, and i'm a female, lesbian it is.) it seems that the only people that have been interested in me has been for romantic/sexual purposes. i'm just now trusting friendships that are beyond that.

the most recent guy situation...that actually brought me here, is with a guy who is bi-sexual. i think that every guy that he is friends with he has something going on. trust issues. next, he just doesn't talk to me. not even as friends. and i don't know why. during the time that i had told him that i liked him, he didn't call me. whenever we saw each other it was me calling him. so i asked him one day why he doesn't call me, and he says, i don't want to get disillusioned. but i like you, i said. and i thought that something could change, but it was like he wanted all or nothing. he asked me to be his girlfriend, but i said no, i couldn't get to that point so quickly, esp. since i didn't trust him. still no calls, no invitations to do stuff. i don't know what he is thinking and it's fustrating cause i want a friendship with him and he seems to not even want that. no contact is his method, and it's really hurting me. he's willing to do stuff with me, but only if i initiate it. i don't want any relationship like that, friendship etc. so i don't know what to do. i'm sad a lot. for him, and for me. for him because it doesn't have to be the way that he thinks. and for me, because i want to be close to him, i guess i want it all as well.

i often wonder if him being bi-sexual makes him feel 'less of a man' and being with me brings too much attention to those who know him and already think of him as gay. people who know me and see me often compliment me on my looks, how i move, i stand out to the crowd. for different reasons. but it seems that when we are together guys hit on me, or wanna talk to me, i get along well with people, whereas, he's not like this. he once told someone that he was jealous of me. and i didn't understand if that meant that he was jealous of ME or he was jealous of the attention that i got from guys. i thought the latter, but now i'm thinking that it's probably the former....so this is my current issue. i don't want to stay away from him. but i've tried to respect his unspoken boundary of not contacting me, it's hard. because he hasn't asked this, but its apparent to me, and i hope that i'm not assuming, that he would like it this way. i want to ask him again if this is in fact what he wants, but i don't want to call him or actively initiate it. if we are on nuetral ground, if i see him somewhere etc. i'll ask. but otherwise, i'll go on this way. is this suffering for no reason?

P&L
All I am saying to you, is I am here to stop and notice you, and I accept where you are today.--yes this is very beautiful. your words reached me. it wasn't until lovinglife reminded me that i reread what you wrote. i get so rushed, i have to do this NOW that i forget to notice those who are good to me and those who are hurting. honesty, i want to get better at this. i have to do it now!! that's how i feel about finding my inner peace, which is only perpetuating the chaos. i have time. that's a line that i'm going to repeat as much as i can today. i have time. i have time. i have time. let's see what type of calmness i can find through that.

pamrick
And that they need to be ok with that, and forgive them if they love them.--this is really good advice. i often think that yes it's good to forgive, and the next step on the relationship after that depends on if the actions of the party who did the hurt have changed, awknoledge the hurt, etc. then a relationship can continue. i don't know, i need to learn a little bit more about boundaries. but i liked what you said. i find it to be true--but difficult to forgive. i often feel that they have the power but it's not true. forgiving just means that i'm releasing the hurt, and what i saw as their responsibility, but i have the right to decide what i want next from this person. to continue or leave the relationship where it is. i love it!!

July 18, 2006
10:02 am
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lovinglife
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Emp~ or would you prefer EM?

Truly fascinating that you felt my words as if they were hugging you or caressing your arm-I love to write and don't hear too often how my words come across the screen. I’ve wondered at times if my words come across as my soul, as my heart truly feels. Yes, Emp you were correct- I do have an interest in you. And apparently you felt this- that is good thing (as Martha Stewart would say!). NOW I also find it a bit interesting that you felt my words to you as being one that would be of a sexual interest. Ok we have established that my interest in you is not of a sexual nature- (I just love those men!) so what could my interest in you then mean???

I can so relate to your train of thinking because if someone has an interest in ME- it must be for ANYTHING other than for who I am or what I may have to say. Isn’t that sad? My whole life I’ve tried to figure out … “Why would someone like me?...What do I have to offer? and have also often thought, “If I speak and tell you what I think, what I feel- then you’re not going to like me…” And HERE I have an interest in a person (you) I would like to get to know and honestly want to hear what they (you) have to say. Simple as that. (Other than that I felt your confusion, your pain, your sadness and wanted you to know that you were not alone.) Hmmmmm. I wonder if this should be taken as a message to both of us-perhaps maybe all of us- people may just like us for who we are and may just want to hear what we have to say. I tell ya I’ve lost a man or two over that as I didn’t think they wanted to hear what I’d had to say! In fact, one just recently told me, “Lovinglife, I just wanted to get to know you and you wouldn’t open up…” I was so afraid Emp- it was that fear thing going on- as well as too afraid to trust. Dern it anyways- he wasn’t a good man anyhow- no loss!

Ok now your guy thing- for this I’m going to need some time to sort out my thoughts on, for one because I’m tired- just getting home from work and two- there is A LOT there to ponder on! I’ll be back before the day is over.

Enjoy your day Emp ~smile~ and let us all learn… “We GET do to do that!”

July 18, 2006
8:03 pm
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lovinglife
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Emp~

I just got in 8 hrs of sleep-straight through-for the first time in a long time- it's about time! And going to get in a few more hrs (hopefully) before I head off to work again.

So with that, I won't be getting to your guy thing (too much in there-want to take a few to digest it.) But will tackle it in the a.m.

Now I do want to say one thing that ran through my mind (as I was falling asleep) after my last post: A light bulb moment for me if ya will.

Ok if I had any part, even a minute part, in getting you to feel a litter safer, a little more trusting, coming across feeling like I care about you, awesome. Because even though I don't know you, I TRULY feel in my heart that I care about you, I TRULY want to hear from the depths of my being what you have to say. Sounds crazy I know, but whatever it’s the truth.

Now thinking about that guy who said to me… “I just wanted to get to know you but you wouldn’t open up…” I can now say… “Yeah whatever *sshole (just an excuse for him to dump me and make a lame attempt to sound like a NICE GUY who tried-BS) as you REALLY didn’t want to get to know me because if you did you would have made me feel safe, you would have made me feel like I could trust you, you would have made me like someone who honestly cared …. and the reality was-you didn’t.”

There was a reason why I would not allow my walls to completely come down with him. Yes it is true that I have A LOT of baggage, but it was my GUT telling me that he didn’t REALLY want to hear a thing I had to say. Mind you this was 3 month relationship and in all that time- he never once said… “I would like to give this a try…I really want to hear want you have to say….I care about you…” and even if he didn’t SAY those things, I never honestly felt it. In ALL the words he spoke to me he never made me feel like I was someone that mattered to him. The relationship was shallow-as most of my relationships have been, and it was shallow because that is what I have always felt comfortable with, someone with no depth, someone who truly did not have an HONEST interest in ME. It was always about them, their needs, and they took and took from me and I allowed it.

Now here is the real light bulb moment for me: In the end it was that he just used me-used me for his gain (this I know now for fact) and because I DIDN’T have an ounce of self worth he was able to pick me out of a crowd and take advantage of that. He was predator of vulnerable women Emp. I WAS vulnerable, he used that, and I allowed him to use that. And once I find my sense of self worth- I will start to be able to see things clearer and not find myself HERE (another man using me) in the head again. And what has helped me realize this is that I want NOTHING from you. I don’t want your body (!), I don’t want your soul to feed off of, I don’t want your money, I just want to be an listening ear, to be someone in your life who truly cares about you and about what you have to say- simple as that.

Now did any of this make sense?! Ok, I’ll be back. Lovinglife.

July 18, 2006
11:17 pm
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emphcfr
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And what has helped me realize this is that I want NOTHING from you. I don’t want your body (!), I don’t want your soul to feed off of, I don’t want your money, I just want to be an listening ear, to be someone in your life who truly cares about you and about what you have to say- simple as that.

yes lovinglife it totally makes sense. how lucky i am to have you want me so. i love using words like that. they are so often used for only sexual terms, and IT'S NOT. SOMEONE IS INTERESTED IN ME, FOR ME!!

you can't see me, you can't see me dance, you can't eat my cooking, you don't see how i decorate my house, there is no other reason for you to want me other than for me, holy shit. honestly. it's going to take a while for that to sink in. but i'm enjoying the smile across my face.

oh my fucking God, you mean that i can use caring words, and suggest all type of hugs and kisses and not be mistaken for a lesbian. i just want my affection to be taken as that, and nothing more. holy shit. i can't wait to start practicing with you heheh.

take your time on the guy thing. i too am just getting in and i'll be going to bed soon.

any nickname will do for me. i love it all.

i'll read your words soon.

hugs and many smiles!

July 18, 2006
11:41 pm
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pamrick
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EM...Just a few thougts for you to ponder. I have learned that for a relationship to be healthy, it has to be two sided. If it is always one-sided...(one person doing it ALL), that is not healthy. You can do it for awhile, if you think the other person will come around. But you shouldn't continue it too long if you are suffering or lacking. No one is worth giving your ALL to and getting little in return.

Think well of yourself. If you get into a definite one-sided relationship, then move on to people who are willing to give what YOU need, too. The give and take of a two sided relationship is so much more fun and nourishing to your soul.

July 19, 2006
12:14 am
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Anonymous
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EM

Thanks for noticing and your kind words. You asked who are you people? I can only answer for myself. I am me. I am me as of today. I know my boundaries better than last year. I know my ethics better. And I live for now more. I have defined myself in the past by my achievements. Now, I define myself by my kindness, integrity, and happiness today much more than my scholarship. I give too much and neglect myself. I am working on that. I am recoving from the events and successes of the past year. In sum, I am me. That is it. You are you. I sometimes am popular, sometimes ignored. It doesn't matter anymore, because my moods are not defined by others anymore.

Now, who are you?

P&L

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