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Who am I kidding- back to Step 1
March 2, 2005
12:30 pm
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kc30
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Aces...you said something in another person's post that nails it for me...I think it boiled down to "did you do it for closure, or for a reaction"

I've been living the past week trying to get some kind of reaction....trying to hurt, to upset, to anger...anything. It's got nothing to do with "owning my power"- it's about control. I hate this affair- I hate hate hate that he's with this woman. I hate it- it consumes me. I want it to stop- so I have been saying whatever i can- sad, mad, glad...whatever...all in the hopes that I'll click something in his mind and he'll end the affair.

I don't want him back- but I don't want him with that whore- I've got it mixed up again- thinking that the only way I can feel good- the only way I can stop hurting and being angry- is if he ends the affair. That's crap. The damage is already done, and it's not up to him to fix me now- that's my job. Again- giving it all away and stuck with an unmanageable life. Man this shit is sneaky!!

Thank God for this board, and for CoDa- I'm only on Step 1- it's the only one that I really "get" right now. Whenever I find myself feeling low, coming down hard on myself, having trouble sleeping or concentrating, I come right back to the "unmanageable life" part. If you're unhappy and obsessing and miserable, that's not a life that's manageable.

One step forward, 2 back and then forward again. Do you think there's a point when you take about 10 forward, to make up for all the lost ground?

March 2, 2005
12:39 pm
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Anonymous
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Yes. And you're there. It's just hard to see right now. But look at the way you dug in deep and answered the question Aces asked you. That's a big leap forward, that kind of self-awareness.

Keep doing what you're doing. You are getting it, and making progress!!!

Love,

Ren'ai

March 2, 2005
12:43 pm
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tracylyn
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Hey kc~

Actually, what you just wrote is such a huge, huge step.

Realizing that only you can fix what's going on in you is a really big step.

I agree too....stop trying to control his situation. He's going to be miserable whether your revenge or control makes him that way or not.

Don't give him or the whore a second thought...it's all about you!! As long as you are still lashing out at him...then he still has too much of you. Let it go baby!!!!

March 2, 2005
12:51 pm
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Anonymous
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kc- I have been you, so many times, even just lately. I will tell you something I haven't even really talked about on here. In the end of my relationship with my ex which was just recently, I did what you have done. I called him screaming, I called him crying, I called him being indifferent, I called him being nice looking and needing some type of reaction from him.

Why a reaction, beacuse then it just fuled my addiction and fire to continue down the road. And I felt that in getting a reaction it showed he still cared.

The thing is that you won't get closure or anything that way. I know the hurt the pain, the unanswered questions, the anger, I know it all, and no matter what you do to try to make it better, it won't get better using those tactics.

I am now finally getting to be okay a month later, and of course, many many postings on this site.

If you like to read i can name numerous books that might be good for you to read.

March 2, 2005
1:34 pm
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kc30
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Thanks for the encouragement so much. I'm so good at putting myself down- it's nice to have a place to go that can help me pull myself up- with people who "get it".

March 2, 2005
1:38 pm
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Anonymous
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There is no reason to put yourself down. You cared for him, you are hurt, and you go through what is natural reactions to that.

Human behavior isn't "normal" "logical" or even "sane" at times. Emotions really control a lot of our actions, for everyone.

I have done so many psychotic things with my ex, but now that I own those things I did, I can say yeah I did them, and guess what I know now what I am capable of. I only really have myself and God to impress.

March 2, 2005
2:41 pm
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tracylyn
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Hey kc ~

My response on your books thread talks about the self esteem stuff. It's hard but it's so much about just believing in yourself and knowing that who you are and what you have to offer is amazing. Know that you are worthy of true love and true happiness but that HAS to start with you. If you don't love and accept yourself then no one will. If you don't respect yourself then no one will. If you don't think you are worthy then no one will and if you don't stand up for who you are...no one will.

Getting a reaction is getting his attention whether is good or bad...it's still attention. You gotta get to a point where you don't need his attention at all and his thoughts are worthless to you.

I think we've all done those crazy things to get their reactions....it's all crazy making and it's time to move on and make this about you...not him.

Hey aces....I use a similar line that is a quote from Cher. "I answer to 2 people, myself and God."

March 2, 2005
2:43 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Kc: I read something once that made a lot of sense to me. It said that as long as you still think about this person and have all of these crazy thoughts and scenarios in your head, YOU are still having a relationship w/ this person even though THEY aren't having a relationship w/ you. So to really end the relationship you have to realize that you're the only one in it anymore and what good is that? Hope this helps. SD

March 2, 2005
6:12 pm
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brendalee
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the ONLY thing that you have total CONTOL over is NOT the situation at hand....but how you deal with the cards that have been dealt your way......bottom line!!!!

March 2, 2005
7:47 pm
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peacesoul
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KC, I just want to invive you over for a tea so we can talk and I could give you a big comforting hug !

Of course we want a reaction out of these dirt bags, we want them to know how much we are hurting. They will never know so it's futile.

My ex took SO MUCH out of me I refused to ever contact him after the break-up (and he broke up with me twice). As much as I want to go over to his house or email him or call him to let him know how much he hurt me, it's not going to give me more strength, it would only make me weaker. It would put me back to "that place" of hurt. So I take my hurt and keep it to myself. I don't want to let such SCUM know how much I am hurting.

There is a peace in not contacting him. It kills to know they are with other women, it kills to know he can be so cruel, but nothing we can do or say will change who they are and what they are doing...It's like trying to wake the dead...it's useless...

Take ALL THAT energy you have right now and use it on YOU!

Trust me, you are going to win, it just does not feel that way right now. But keep thinking, you are going through the withdrawl of your addiction to him and like any good addict going through withdrawl, the shakes, sweats and YUCK will pass.

I feel like you do right now every damn day, but I will use all that energy on me, not on him cause he took enough of me already !!!

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