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Whidbey, you there? LotusTampa
March 6, 2006
1:04 pm
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LotusTampa
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Hey whidbey...just need some strength today.

It is really hard getting over this creep.

How was your weekend?

March 6, 2006
1:25 pm
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whidbey
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Hey Lotus! Sooo good to "see" you. I kind of had a sucky weekend. Obsessed A LOT! It was a year ago this weekend that I went down for the first time (mentioned on another thread). I really struggled. As well, his friend's wife e-mailed me that she and her husband had gone riding and mentioned ex-N's town, so I know they went riding together. You have no idea how difficult it was not to ask her for any details, but I stayed strong and didn't. I cleaned out my garage, helped clean out my mom's garage (freaked out at spiders), and brother and I took stuff to the dump.

How'd you hold up under his blitz last week?

March 6, 2006
1:51 pm
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Hi.

Well, I held up great until yesterday morning. Don't be mad at me. I sent him an e-mail asking him if we could talk about everything...no response.

He won't talk to me now. I guess he's playing that little game.

But, then again, I basically flat out told him that my feelings had changed tremendously and that there was a slim chance of ever turning back.

Then, I got so weak on Sunday...I was feeling guilty for being so ugly to him and so cold...it's just a vicious cycle.

I guess we're both done, really. Or, maybe he's trying to make me suffer for shutting him out and then me trying to make amends again.

But, we've been through this crap so many times, maybe he is being the smart one with no contact. HAHA!

I have to admit, I do my fair share of crazy making. I really struggle with sticking to my guns! Why is it so hard when someone is such a jerk?

So, at this point, he won't return my e-mail or my phone calls. Why? I dunno especially when his voice mails, texts, and emails seemed so "sincere". Guess not?

Seems we both want control. I must be an abuser too.

I'm glad you did some things with your family. I did a bunch of things with my family this past weekend, one being my neice's 1st birthday party. It was so much fun!

Spiders suck...I hate them and roaches.

My ex is not a nice person, is he?

I've been crying a bit today...sinuses are screwed up, eyes hurt, headache...and I have to drive down to Ft. Lauderdale with a co-worker tonight and am so not looking forward to it.

So, I f'd up on the no contact and sticking to my guns.

I should be thankful he isn't returning my emails and calls...what am I gonna b/c of it? Die? Um, I don't think so.

I'm sure after he thinks I've suffered enough he'll manage to throw me a bone or two...just to see if he can.

This is so stupid.

March 6, 2006
1:58 pm
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whidbey
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Don't be so hard on yourself. *biiiig hug* You have no idea how close I was to picking up the phone myself this weekend. However, my luck I'd call while his new supply was there. Either way, not gonna do it. Have you journaled at all? Have you written down all the things that were so disgusting about him? If not, do so. I picked up my journal that I had kept last year with him and went over all those sick and hurt feelings I had experienced. That pretty much did it for me. The good thing about these "anniversaries" for me is that it starts to go downhill from here on out, with all the hurtful things that happened. Not things I really care to "celebrate" in my mind. I'll be able to rejoice that I'm NOT going through that crap any longer and off that damn roller coaster ride.

If he calls again, be strong enough to admit you made a mistake in calling him and tell him you still want no contact. You can do this!!

March 6, 2006
2:02 pm
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I understand those feelings you are having/or had. We will overcome this. I've had a few prospects on my dating site...I should probably take an offer here and there...dinner, movies...something to distract myself.

Rather than answer if he calls, I think I'll just not answer. There's no point in it really. Oh, he'll probably never call anyway. I'm sure he's done. I mean, it is very rare that he throws out the sorry word, and then when someone doesn't accept it, then that is probably worse for him than being shot in the heart.

None of this matters anymore. I'm just doing my own crazymaking. It's just ridiculous.

I definitely should have stuck to my guns...but, sometimes I just make bad decisions, or don't think I make the right decision...question myself.

Blah blah blah.

Bottom-line...if he was supposed to be in my life, he'd be in it, but he isn't!

March 6, 2006
2:15 pm
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whidbey
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Yes, that's an even better plan, not answering the phone. I know about the crazymaking; I did a bit of it this weekend, lurking on Vh1 Classics channel (thank goodness, Someone was watching out for me, no sign of him anywhere). *blushing* I even went to his web site once. Guess I just had to get it out of my system.

Lotus, if he was supposed to be in your life, you probably wouldn't even be here at this website, know what I mean? Good love is NOT crazymaking, miserable, continually second-guessing, trying to constantly figure out one's hiney from a hole in the ground, you know? I know this by observing healthy relationships of a couple of friends. It's just not supposed to be INSANE! Actually, as much as you don't want to go, the trip will give you something else to keep your mind on beside him.

You know, when you are really ready, you could always block his phone calls (except at work, I suppose) and e-mails, etc. You might feel more in control than the constant wondering. Just a thought...

March 6, 2006
2:28 pm
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Eh, I'm just punting at this point.

I'm not going to go through all the blocking, blah blah blah...I'm just too tired from all of this.

He won't call or email...this is very unusual for him to be this resistant. Whatever.

This is what I wanted anyway, I just got a little weak.

I have to get going...I'll touch base later on this evening if you're around.

Love ya,
Lotus

March 6, 2006
2:33 pm
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whidbey
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I'll check in and out for you. I have to take mom to the doctor (she has the flu), but will be back later. You'll be okay. I promise! 🙂

March 6, 2006
3:39 pm
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gettingthere
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hi lotus,,,im here if you need me iv'e read your thread so sorry that your'e feeling down thinking of you and like i said if you wanna talk say the word..........love GT

March 6, 2006
10:16 pm
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hi gt. not sure if you are around. i'm finally in boca raton...traveling for work...drove here with a co-worker...i'm so tired. today was an incredibly tough day...not just b/c of X, but just life in general. ugh.

March 7, 2006
8:28 am
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whidbey
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Good morning, Lotus,

How are you doing today, sweetie? I think, for whatever reason, the way the stars were aligned, the moon phase, or whatever, this was a tough weekend for a lot of people (including me) I know. I dunno why...

Did you get some good sleep last night? I finally did, and I am feeling pretty good this a.m. I find when I've not slept well, I am especially susceptible to those "downer" days.

I just want to reaffirm to you that I KNOW you made the right decision in leaving that loser. Try not to second guess yourself, okay? Make a short list of ALL his bad attributes, etc., if you're still feeling shaky today and remember WHY you are letting the flotsom and jetsom go in your life. It's just garbage, after all, isn't it? Big hugs to you this morning, my dear cyber friend. 🙂

March 7, 2006
10:58 am
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gettingthere
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hi lotus how are you today,i agree with whidbey ......how about re-starting that brilliant thread of yours about reminding yourself about the reasons why your glad its over i know for me it helped me greatly,,,just a thought i may be way off track but i think sometimes we have to remind ourselves about just how abusive they were to us and how we deserve better,,,,,,,takecare GT

March 8, 2006
1:41 pm
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Hi whidbey and gt.

Oh, today I'm feeling alright. Got my period so that isn't helping any...I hated being bloated and having a headache.

I think I'm just absolutely tired of fighting the mental stuff about him. It has worn me out. I mean just worn me out terribly. Dunno if that's an incredibly good place to be, but it sure beats crying relentlessly and trying to figure out everything.

I slept like crap Sunday and Monday nights. Worked so much yesterday...had to drive back from Ft. Lauderdale and I passed out on the couch around 10:00pm and woke up at 4:00am. Went back to "couch" and then woke up around 8 or so, I guess. At least I was able to get adequate sleep.

I guess I just don't really care about much right now. Just going through the motions of life...which isn't a bad thing. I think it's better than the extreme highs and lows.

I plan on doing yard work this weekend, organizing this house a bit and going to the gym. I'm also going to a play on Saturday night so that will be good.

One day at a time...

Love to you both,
Lotus

March 8, 2006
2:33 pm
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whidbey
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Yes, most definitely one day at a time. You're still in the breaking away and breaking the habit phase, Lotus. This "deadness" of feeling WILL pass, I promise. It also helps to have complete no contact. I know your life just seems empty right now without all the drama, but you will begin to relish the lack of it soon. It is exhausting, isn't it? I'm glad you'll be busy this weekend; that will help. Hugging you, dear friend.

March 8, 2006
2:34 pm
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gettingthere
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hi lotus,just been thinking maybe having your period dosent help i used to find that leading up to mine i was worse missed him like crazy,and so wanted to talk to him then i used to pick up and felt better after a couple of days then i didn give a damn if i ever saw him again,
looks like you have plenty to do that will help,
takecare ok and always here
love GT

March 8, 2006
8:54 pm
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LotusTampa
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I know no contact is the only way I will get past him. You know something, in my heart of hearts I never wanted a relationship with him to begin with. He just has nothing to offer me what-so-ever. So, it is so stupid that I have put myself through this entire hell.

I guess I just hate not feeling needed, or feeling rejected...I mean, gd, it IS me he rejected...the NERVE! HAHA!

However, I just try to tell myself that I rejected him a long time ago...like when we first met...I remember thinking, "this guy is so immature and so does not have his shit together. Oy vey! Why oh why did I even subject myself to this to begin with? It's just incomprehensible.

GT, I'm sure my period hasn't helped matters...although, at the heart of hit, I absolutely cannot have any contact with him.

I have finally deleted yahoo messenger from my home and work computers. I do not want to be tempted. Although, if I do reinstall it, I have deleted him as a contact and the only way I could add him back is if he approves it...ain't no way I'm going there.

So, I'm doing what I can to stop these stupid patterns.

It's interesting that I was talking with my 14 year old daughter this morning and I asked her if she had a boyfriend...she said, "mom, I don't always have to have a boyfriend and I'm not going to like someone if they don't like me". Hmmmmm...pithy words for a 14 year old.

Also, tonight I finally caved and got my 12 year old daughter a ferret. This is animal central over here. We now have 2 cats, a bird, a ferret and 3 koi. Good god! Have I gone mad?! I definitely don't have time to be bored around this mad house! HAHA!

I really am feeling a lot better tonight. I slept tons today (period related), headache gone, got the ferret...I'm feeling much more peaceful tonight.

Thanks so much both of you for being so understanding throughout all my drama. I am so thankful for this place.

Admittedly, when I first found this site I thought it was kind of silly and self-loathing...but, I'm really glad I decided to put my thoughts out into cyber world.

Thanks again.

Love,
Lotus

March 9, 2006
8:17 am
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whidbey
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Good going on the messenger thing, Lotus! I'm so proud of you!

When my daughter was young, she would say a lot of *old age* wise things too. Yes, it's often out of the mouths of babes, isn't it? It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job raising your girls to be strong, confident women. And, you do know, don't you, that you are modeling that for them, whether you may think so or not. You are stronger than you think, my friend, and it shows.

Love you!

Whid

March 9, 2006
9:06 am
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gettingthere
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hi lotus youre doing really well ,
i know what you mean about the grown up stuff children come out with my 5 year old is so knowing its quite amazing,
your period's dont help i bet you pick up now,and feel a lot better ,
and i so glad you did decide to come here,cause i wouldnt of been able to talk with you.....
takecare.........love GT

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