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Whidbey...question for you....from Lotus
March 15, 2006
2:04 pm
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LotusTampa
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Hey whidbey.

You know, sometimes I've wondered if all my back and forth/ups and down/ isnt some type of bipolar behavior (maybe even schizophrenia)?

I have gone back and forth with this guy for so long that it looks like I'm nuts.

On the other hand, I think we both fed off of the dysfunction and kind of liked the back and forth...I dunno...but it really is nutty behavior and I am shocked that I allowed myself to act in such destructive ways.

March 15, 2006
3:22 pm
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whidbey
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Noooo, Lotus, I don't think you are bipolar. Geez, if you are, we ALL are! lol No, it's just that darn roller coaster ride these Ns can keep us on, if we let them. You've come a long way in getting off of it. You're just going through the withdrawal right now. I did this a LOT last fall/early winter, obsessing about that jacket, etc. I am glad I got it back, though, as it would have continued to eat away at me. I'm so grateful to his friend's wife who shamed him into sending it back. Talk about an N injury! However, knowing, by that time, that it would cause an injury, that's why I started screening my calls. Again, I don't know of those calls were him, but because his first jab flew back in his face, I could see him doing something like calling me to find out the name of the florist I used to send him a Christmas tree last year, so he could send flowers to his new supply, or some such lame excuse to directly jab me.

I'm glad you're eradicating all traces of him out of your life. That was one of the best things I ever did. It really sped up the healing process for me.

You keep taking care of you and being glad he's out of your life. NO MORE CONTACT WITH HIM!!! (Yes, I'm shouting at you, with love... šŸ™‚ )

March 15, 2006
4:21 pm
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LotusTampa
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HAHA...you make me laugh.

I seriously am beginning to despise my ex. He just kept taking from me...of course, I kept on giving.

I guess I just would never ever take advantage of someone that way...especially if I knew I didn't want to have a relationship with them.

I gave him an old laptop of mine some time back and he had the audacity to ask me if I ever found the second recovery disc. I mean, shit, after all this...I GAVE it to him...he can find a stupid disc for about $5.00 on e-bay...but, I'm supposed to keep on searching my house for it...so that HE can have it.

I know I have said this a thousand times before, but I just cannot--WILL NOT--give him any type of N supply EVER AGAIN.

That's what they keep us around for, isn't it? For the supply.

The night before I went to Boston he chatted with me on line and I told him I was going up there...he acted all weird about it and wouldn't let me get off line...started saying "I really miss the things we did together"...and "Ya know, I think you're pretty sweet sometimes"...and then he said, "Don't let some guy sweet talk you up there because he just wants to get in your pants...remember, men are pigs."

THEN, he asked me if he could call me when I was up there...and I said, "sure"...I turned off my phone though and then he left me a message like he was perturbed my phone was turned off...it was kind of an accusatory voice mail...

What is with all of that? I told him that he doesn't want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either.

OK, here I am STILL talking about this dimwit...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Well, I am steadfast in my resolve to NEVER contact him again...to NEVER give one more ounce of time to him (outside of me coming to terms with this in my own world).

I had a horrific nightmare Saturday night...I NEVER talk in my sleep and I woke up shouting, "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE"...and I was sobbing...my whole dream was about the ex and his roommate...Now that is a sign that I need to get out of this mentally and emotionally...scary crap.

You can shout at me all you want...you are right.

He played me so badly...it was a humilitating experience.

March 15, 2006
4:23 pm
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LotusTampa
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humiliating (not humilitating). =)

March 15, 2006
4:33 pm
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whidbey
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Hugging you about the nightmare, but you know what? That's okay. That's your psyche processing all the garbage out. You need to go so far as to block his phone numbers and e-mail addresses, etc. If he calls you at work, hang up immediately. Don't even talk. Once you start doing that, you are going to start feeling powerful within yourself again. YOU get to control what goes on in your life, not anyone else.

Most of all, I want you to quit beating yourself up about this. Okay, so you made a mistake in getting involved with him. Just say to yourself, "Damn, I sure pulled a dumb one there" and try to let it go. I could kick myself every way from Sunday as to why I stayed, even after that first visit, but I'm done doing that. I don't mean we shouldn't look into ourselves as to why we put up with what we did, we should. However, the self-flagellation only sucks you back into the mire. I did the work in my books and realized (and re-realized) a lot of stuff about myself. I'm going to love myself enough to forgive myself for the short-sightedness last year and know, now, that I'll never do that to myself again. I say it a lot, but it's true, life's just too short. There's too much good out there to stay focused on crappy people and not feeling good about ourselves.

So, Lotus, pull those socks up, dust your pants off, and get going with life! You've got wonderful children to enjoy, friends, and a whole world out there to explore...

Hugging you bunches!

W.

P.S. As for the "what was all that?" stuff with the ex, WHO CARES??? I quit trying to get into the mind of my ex when he hurt me so badly. I don't even WANT to know how or why they think the way they do. Who needs the mind f***?

March 15, 2006
4:34 pm
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whidbey
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lol "humilitating" Either way, it was a downer...

March 15, 2006
4:43 pm
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whidbey
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Lotus,

Go look at a thread on the msn NPD board called "Focus." šŸ™‚

March 15, 2006
4:45 pm
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LotusTampa
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can you send me the link to the msn npd board?

March 15, 2006
4:48 pm
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LotusTampa
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actually, i found it, thanks!

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