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Which Man Should I Choose?
June 12, 2009
10:25 am
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I've been seriously dating a man for 5 years. We were once engaged and I broke it off because of his financial instability and an uncertain relationship with another woman. I do love this man and he loves me. He is involved with my family and every aspect of my life. He is; however, unstable financially and that makes me feel very insecure. I don't want to be married to someone who won't do whatever it takes to provide for his family at any cost. He has his own businesses which haven't, for some time, done well enough to carry his obligations. He's also lost a few of his assets. When I broke up with him in November, I bumped into an old childhood friend and we started talking. I told him I just wanted a male friend, nothing serious. He has his own business and is doing quite well and is financially secure. He wants to take our relationship to the next level, and has even mentioned to his mother that I'm going to be his wife. I've told him he needs to slow down and allow me to take my time to make a decision. He knows about my other relationship, which I'm struggling with trying to make a decision about staying or leaving.

If I could merge the two together, that would be great. So do I stay with a man who makes me uncomfortable financially who I love, or do I end it and date this other man who adores me, wants to care for me but that I don't feel quite the emotional, romantic connection with him?

June 12, 2009
10:34 am
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atalose
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You mention you ended it in the past due to his financial instability and uncertain relationship with another woman. He hasn’t changed his financial stability, doesn’t appear he’s going to, so that leaves the uncertain relationship with another woman, where does stand?

Is this childhood friend healthy? Besides him being financially stable, what about the rest of him?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 12, 2009
11:48 am
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He stated the women is no longer a factor and he's gone as far as getting another phone number so she cannot get in touch with him. I did appreciate that move to prove his faithfulness to me. You're right in that he is who he is financially. I don't know if I can live with that. I mean, is it better to have someone adores and loves you, financially unstable, whom you love, or is it better to have someone who's financially secure, adores you but you don't love him. I have a 5 year relationship with the other guy and just started seeing this new one so I can't compare the love thing the same way.

Is the childhood friend healthy? In what way do you mean? He hasn't fully revealed himself to me clearly. He appears to have a caring and loving relationship with his mother, whom I know, his children and ex-wife. He is responsible and is spiritually grounded. Everyone has faults, I just don't see his yet. I did mention to him yesterday that he hides his true feelings for fear of being hurt and is guarded. He agreed.

June 12, 2009
12:35 pm
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atalose
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I was wondering how healthy the childhood friend was in regards to us codies seem to pick un-healthy partners. Partners who have issues such as addiction/emotional unavailability/commitment issues/financial issues, etc. etc. But as you mentioned, he hasn’t fully revealed himself yet.

Do you think you reached out over the line towards this childhood friend out of your frustration over your current partners repeated financial mess. I mean finances can be deal breakers no doubt about that but again us codes like to line up someone new before letting go of what we’ve got!

Another thought, if you were to proceed with your current guy of 5 years, marry and all, what’s to stop you from getting a pre-nup and keeping finances separate based on his track history. That certainly could be something worked out between the two of you in a legal sense for your security and peace of mind.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 12, 2009
12:53 pm
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cancer
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All I want to say is material things cannot buy happiness it's a rare thing to find love, you can be financially stable but how does that work if you are not in love, sounds vain to me, I am sure you are financially independent yourself, so why worry about what a guy can provide you with , if he is a good man, you can do it together.
I dont understand you say you love this guy for five years and break it off when he wasnt doing so well, what kind of a support is that, then of course it will never work, because all you will think about is money.
THe new relationship may have money but in the long run you will still not be satisfied with your life.

June 12, 2009
12:56 pm
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cancer
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By the way you dont love someone for what they have but who they are.

June 12, 2009
1:43 pm
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Zebra
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Counselor,

I do agree with Cancer on this. You should love somebody for what they are, not for what they have. And I do agree with Atalose, you can get a pre-nup.

I think the childhood friend is not worth your time. I think you should talk to your bf of 5 years and let him in on what is happening. Does he even know about the other guy? If he doesn't and finds out, how do you think that will make him feel about you?

With Love,
Z

June 12, 2009
1:55 pm
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CAMER
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when i read this, it seemed like you were after a "money man"...but remember...money can't buy you love.

If your independent and have your own money that is great.

You sound like you don't want to be with the guy (of 5 years) cuz of his money issues, and its most likely too soon for the other guy to even think of marriage.

Why not take this time for you....and work on what your wants and needs are, and what your dealbreakers are etc.

June 13, 2009
7:50 pm
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onlyboringontheoutside
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Is it really about the money, or is it about being with someone who will put the welfare of you and your family first? That can be done in other ways besides a paycheck. My partner and I both take care of the household, although he doesn't earn much money wise. He can fix anything though, and saves us major bank because of his do-it-yourself talents and attitude. I earn a lot more than he does, but if you factor in how much he saves us in home improvement and house cleaning and auto repair/maintenance, we're probably contributing 50/50!

I get the feeling from your post that the financial stability might be a red herring here. Do you feel like he would be a good partner to you in life? Or is there something that's bugging you besides the lack of a paycheck? (Btw, the lack of paycheck is a common thing these days given the economy. How he deals with it is the important thing.)

I agree with Camer that taking some time to just be you without a partner will bring your values into clear perspective for you. After a little while, you might find that neither of these men is really what you're looking for.

Best wishes.

June 14, 2009
2:07 pm
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fantas
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I'm also wondering about the money situation. If you can afford to support both of you, maybe he can be the homemaker if he is willing. It's the year 2009, we want equality so we must be willing to do what the men have done for ever. Everything is negotiable in a relationship. Besides, in these economic times, even the most hardworking man may find himself in a whole lot of trouble. All kinds of circumstances can affect the man you see as financially stable.

IMHO, I think you need to do some work on yourself and what is truly valuable to you. What do you need versus what you want? What are your values and beliefs about life. You mind find that once this is clear for you, you may not want either one of these men.

All the best, keep us posted.

June 25, 2009
2:24 pm
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Hi I'm back. I was on vacation with my cousin and her girlfriends. Jamaica.

I'm sure I sound very materialistic; however, I didn't mention the whole thing in the first post. He is backed up on his child support, his other child's mother complains all the time about him giving her money, he's had to sell his homes and is threatening to be evited from the one he's renting now. This is what I mean by being financially unstable. I think he might want to give with me; however, I have alimony and could jeopardize it being reduced if my ex-h finds out I am cohabitating. We have talked about his situation and he said he's trying his best. He otherwise is a great guy. Yes I could be the sole provider and he is very handy around the house. We are taking it one day at a time in our relationship.

As far as the childhood friend -- well he slowly is revealing his issues. He's demanding, clingy and pushy. He called me yesterday around 8:00 a.m. I didn't call him back until noon. He said "boy you don't know how to return a person's calls. You're making me try real hard for you." I said why are you trying so hard. I told you I wanted to take it slow and let's enjoy rekindling our friendship. Now he's getting on my nerves because I can sense his attitude. I told him he knows who he wants but I'm at a place where I'm still trying to figure out what's best for me. He asked me if he felt overbearing. And I said yes. He said he would back up and allow me the time I need.

I am taking my time to work through this without commiting seriously to my 5-yr man and limiting my dinner and telephone time with my childhood friend.

How did I get here?

June 26, 2009
9:41 am
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I want to be with my 5-yr guy. I'm going to stick with him. I've spoken to him about me possibily having a co-dependent nature and that individuals who date usually pick someone who is also co-dependent. I told him I wanted us to start exploring this and seek counseling separately and together. Life is so short and I don't want to forego love. I'm willing, today, to work with what he's presenting, accept him for who he is, until I can't any longer. I'm taking it one day at a time.

June 26, 2009
11:01 am
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cancer
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Counselor,

Take your time and do whats best for you, when you have love, you can make it through anything, it can be complicated sometimes but its better than being suffocated by someone you dont love. Good luck!

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